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Sections of this article:
01, children hit their parents, there are extremely high risks and hidden dangers
02. How do parents respond rationally and effectively?
Every year, 30 April is International No Children's Day. In the past, few people in China knew about this festival. With the development of network information and the increasing promotion of scientific parenting, this festival is slowly understood by the domestic society.
Some parents may think that setting up an international festival for "no children" is not a bit of a fuss? The way of education handed down by our ancestors, children should fight if they do too much, let them have a long memory, and do not fight or not become a tool, what is the problem?
Parents with this concept in China are still relatively common.
So can educating children play in the end? In fact, there is no standard answer to this, and from the perspective of scientific spiritual psychology, it is not really absolutely impossible to fight.
In general, if parents want to fight, they must pay attention to scientific methods and principles, and must put an end to verbal violence! Otherwise, it is easy to cause superimposed psychological trauma to the child, and the risk of mental and psychological problems in the child is very high!
This year, on the occasion of this holiday season, we would like to care about another related topic: if the situation is reversed, what if the child beats the parents?
Some parents may see this problem and burst into tears!
Some parents of patients with depression and bipolar disorder cried to me, "Dr. He, after the child got sick, we punched and kicked, we were really miserable!" ”
Although some children are not depressed or bipolar disorder, they are easily agitated, have a certain violent tendency, and are easy to move when they have conflicts with their parents.
We wrote in the "Patient Parent Self-Help Column" that if the child is irritable and irritable after suffering from mental disorders, how should parents respond? The article also mentions the situation of children hitting their parents and provides some countermeasures.
However, we would like to go into this topic in depth again. Because children hit their parents bring great risks, and this is often a secret in the family, parents are very helpless.
I hope that our following analysis and suggestions can help this part of the parents to alleviate the problem quickly, avoid tragedies, improve the parent-child relationship, and find the warmth of the family as soon as possible.
01, children hit their parents, there are extremely high risks and hidden dangers
Since I am a psychiatrist, the situation of "children beating parents" that I have been exposed to is mainly concentrated in adolescents, young people with depression, and bipolar disorders.
The reason why these patients have "great changes in temperament" and are prone to anger at their parents after getting sick is mainly because they have suffered superimposed psychological trauma from their parents. For example, when they were young, they were often criticized, accused, belittled, and even beaten and scolded by their parents, which was originally one of the psychological roots of their illness.
When they get sick, especially after realizing that their parents have caused psychological harm to themselves, they are often very angry. Some patients who have undergone psychoanalysis and even believe that their illness is caused by their parents will blame all the responsibilities on their parents.
The image comes from the Internet
When they have an emotional outburst at home, they often blame their parents first, or even insult them. Many parents are also aware of the psychological harm they have caused to their children, and they are afraid that the words of rebuttal will further stimulate their children, so they often endure and let their children abuse.
But soon, children find that their parents dare not resist, and because their condition has not improved, they become more and more angry and desperate, and it is easy to develop to beat their parents.
Moreover, many patients taking psychiatric drugs, especially antipsychotics, have side effects of metabolic syndrome, which is manifested by rapid body gain and weight gain. Originally, many children are taller than their parents, and when they get fat, they are even stronger, and when they are furious, they are really like an out-of-control beast, which makes parents very afraid!
I have witnessed this terrible scene.
One patient was more than 1.9 meters tall and weighed more than 200 pounds. During one visit, he remembered the psychological trauma his father had inflicted on him in the past, which was very painful, but he did not show it in front of me.
Later he walked out of the clinic, waiting for his father to come to him, and he suddenly raised his fist and hit his father in the head, and the father was defenseless, suddenly hit the wall, and then fell to the ground. I rushed over to stop him, and he saw that I immediately regained some rationality. I gave him emergency cognitive intervention again, and after he further recovered his rationality, he was very remorseful.
The scene was really terrifying, the patient was like an angry beast, and if no one stopped him in time and guided him back to reason, his father could be in danger!
I later learned that the patient had violently beaten his parents at home many times and threatened his parents not to tell anyone, "If you say it, see if I don't beat you to death!" ”。 His mother was in so much pain that she was reflexively frightened when she saw her son walking toward her.
Patient families like this, I have been in contact with a lot. Originally, the child suffered from depression and bipolar disorder, and the parents' sense of shame was very strong, and they did not dare to be known by others; now the child beats himself, it is even more difficult to talk about.
This part of the parents is afraid, ashamed, and regretful. Many of them are successful entrepreneurs, university professors, and company executives, but no matter how beautiful they are in their careers, they are still very painful and helpless when they encounter this problem, and even cry while talking.
Of course, when some patients beat their parents, they are relatively not so cruel, and their parents are not in danger of life for the time being, and they can still bear it. Parents have not asked for help for the time being.
They may feel that this is "ugly", they may be jealous of the threat of the child, or they may be afraid that after telling the doctor, the doctor will add drugs, or force the child to be treated, and they are distressed by the child.
But parents also realize that if this continues for a long time, when will the child hit the parents when he is unhappy, when is it a head? Will it encourage the child's violent tendencies, and the child may later embark on the path of crime?
In addition, some children do not suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, or parents have not taken their children to the doctor and have not been diagnosed. But they also have the behavior of beating and cursing their parents at home, especially boys.
For example, xiaojie, the case we shared, was often beaten by his father when he was a child, but when he was in junior high school, he suddenly felt that he had grown up, and his father was a little afraid of himself. He became arrogant at home, not only not afraid of his father's beating, but sometimes fighting back.
Later, he became more and more accustomed to using violence to solve problems at home, and even beat his mother when he got excited. Once he quarreled with his mother, he grabbed his mother's neck and pressed it against the wall, his mother could not breathe, the suffocating expression was very frightening, Xiao Jie suddenly recovered his rationality and quickly let go. Her mother was very afraid and finally began to pay attention to the child's psychological problems.
Therefore, the pain and worry of this part of the parents are real. Children beat their parents at home, this kind of behavior is not only not accepted by law and social morality, but also brings extremely high security risks, if not solved in time, it is easy to cause tragedy!
02. How do parents respond rationally and effectively?
So what should this part of the parents do? Especially if the child is depressed or bipolar, how should parents cope?
First of all, it is recommended that the parents of patients have a deeper understanding of the root cause of the child's illness, and why the previously sensible and well-behaved child will become irritable and irritable, and treat the biological parents as enemies.
That is to say, first, parents must first understand the child's inner activities and feelings, but also understand the child's mood that does not want outsiders to know, and first empathize with the child.
Most children actually know that their behavior is wrong, it is not accepted by society, in case of exposure, they will be pointed out by thousands of husbands, or even by the Internet violence, they can not withstand this pressure.
Some children will even sincerely apologize to their parents and buy gifts after beating their parents, but the next time they encounter a similar situation, they will have difficulty controlling themselves. This is actually a large number of superimposed psychological trauma is activated, triggering a strong negative emotion, the child loses his mind.
The image comes from the Internet
Second, parents must have bottom-line thinking, and once a reasonable bottom line is determined, it must be resolutely implemented, which can be called to the police or forced to be sent to the hospital for treatment.
As mentioned above, if the parents blindly endure and connive, not only the risk of life safety is very high, but also harmful to the child.
Such children are difficult to find a stable partner when they grow up, even if they are married, the marriage will not be happy, it is very likely that they will be abused by their wives and children, and the grandchildren are prone to depression, bipolar disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and even schizophrenia, and then the family breaks up. Children are even punished severely by the law and are prone to crimes. To put it more seriously, in case the child's emotions are seriously out of control, our grandchildren may really be killed!
Therefore, parents must think deeply about this point, this problem can not be escaped, we need to face it bravely, maintain rationality, in case the child violates the bottom line, to be strong and resolute, resolutely send the child to the hospital for treatment, or call the police, do not delay the child because of softness and fear.
The patient I mentioned above who beat his parents, and then his parents couldn't stand it and forcibly sent the child to a mental hospital. After the child was discharged from the hospital, he did not dare to act arbitrarily to his parents, and the experience of forced hospitalization made him form a certain fearful conditioning reflex, and when he wanted to beat his parents, he was jealous, and it was easier to restore rationality.
Moreover, although many children know that they should not hit their parents, they are unwilling to face this problem and are unwilling to accept relevant psychological treatment. Then if parents have a clear bottom line and resolutely implement it, it is conducive to children who can only face this problem.
Also, parents also need to know in advance to make a plan, such as in case of mandatory hospitalization, which hospitals can be selected? How to ensure that the process is safer and smoother? This must be understood in advance, not said at that time, otherwise the child is likely to think that the parents are just scaring themselves and do not pay attention to it at all.
Third, the situation of each family is different, the bottom line is also different, parents can discuss with their children, so that children have a certain choice, but also can not completely give in.
The bottom line of some families is that children can scold their parents, but they must not do it;
Others must avoid critical areas, and there is a limit to the number of times, and the child is required to receive psychological counseling or psychotherapy;
Some set time limits, such as within 3 months, if the child's emotional and violent problems are still not effectively alleviated, then go to the doctor, or receive professional psychological treatment...
When the child's mood is more stable and the understanding is more rational, parents are best to guide the child to understand why this problem must be solved, why the bottom line and the subsequent coercive measures should be set, and let the child participate in the process of setting the bottom line. In this way, the child is more likely to hold the bottom line.
Fourth, setting the bottom line and coercive measures is not the goal, the more important premise is that parents must deeply self-reflect, change and improve, improve parent-child relationship and family relationship, and repair the child's superimposed psychological trauma through continuous efforts and efforts. Otherwise, setting the bottom line itself will bring more trauma to the child.
If parents can do this, the child's emotional and behavioral problems will be significantly improved, there will be visible progress, the family atmosphere will be warm and harmonious, and the child's violence will be significantly reduced and reduced.
At this time, parents should give their children affirmation in time, and they can also give some rewards in the aspects that children care about to promote a virtuous circle. This will also make the child more willing to face the problem positively and get out of the predicament.