Meet a haggard mother, facing her daughter who is about to enter the middle school entrance examination, she does not know how to enlighten?
Her daughter did not love to learn since she was a child, and she did not know what stimulation she had received, and in the last semester of her third year of junior high school, she vowed to study hard.
She tried to memorize words, she tried to brush up on questions, she tried to go to training classes... Unfortunately, after hard work, her grade ranking did not rise, and she still stayed where she was.
The daughter told her mother that she did not want to be a child who "just worked hard", but she was really confused: can't see the effort to improve, is there still a point of perseverance?
The mother said that she wanted to comfort her daughter with "hard work and reward", but the cruel reality made her understand that the time that had been wrongly paid by her daughter was not so easy to make up!
Before she began to work hard, she saw despair, and when she thought of how long her child's future road would be, her mother also panicked:
How hard do we have to work to see hope?
A glass of half-water, some people who see it, will say, "Ah! There's still half water!", is optimistic. Some will say, "Ah! This glass of water is only half left!", pessimism.
We often pretend or praise others for their optimism, but pessimism is the common problem for most people.
01. We're always very good at thinking things badly
Remember a passage that was very popular before? The girl said that if she called her boyfriend, if he had bemoved several times before answering the phone or simply not answering the phone, he would feel that he was cheating on him every minute.
I remember when I was in love, I couldn't contact my boyfriend on WeChat or phone, and within half an hour I felt like he was spending a lot of time outside. When I didn't reply after an hour, I wondered if he was talking to other girls. If I don't contact him all day, I will think that this person must not really love me, and for him I guess it is a dispensable spare tire. Because if you really love me, even if you are busy, squatting on the toilet will take time to reply to me with a few messages.
After this mental activity, I will be sad for my silly efforts on the side, and when he finally contacts me, I will inevitably make a fool of myself.
After a conflict with a family member or friend, people close the door or open a window a little louder, and they think that he is deliberately creating those harsh noises to vent his dissatisfaction with me. So, my anger inexplicably surged again, and the result was that the atmosphere of disharmony was postponed.
When I was working, the boss gave a temporary task, and I was overdue. Nervously sent the finished copy to his mailbox, waited for half a day and could not see his reply, my mood was like ants on a hot pot, anxious. It's been so long, do you think the copywriting is very poor after reading it? The boss won't be disappointed in me... This mood was not relieved until the boss replied: yes.
As soon as I answered the call in the group, I was cold, did they all have an opinion on me? Hate me for this person?
I've even heard of people who have a sudden headache worrying about whether they have some incurable disease or whether they will die in obscurity one night.
02. Did you know?
It is negative automatic thinking that is at work.
The above example has a commonality, that is, the parties artificially hastily conclude in the absence of factual evidence, and identify unilateral conjectures and assumptions as "facts", which is called "automated thinking" in psychology.
As the name suggests, automated thinking refers to the thoughts, ideas, and ideas that arise automatically in the brain. They arise automatically, they do not require effort, and they sound reasonable.
Automated thinking often appears in fantasies, daydreams, and fantasies. For example, you can imagine in your mind a date with your crush tomorrow, imagine that you're going to have a great time, and so on. You may also have in your mind the arguments that will unfold when you meet with the nasty person tonight, and you may also think about what he will accuse you of, how you will deal with him, etc. You keep repeating in your mind things that may not actually happen and that you will not do at all.
Habitually thinking things in a bad way is negative automatic thinking. After a long period of research, american psychologist Ellis has summarized the 12 most common negative automatic thinking.
1
Polarization
That is, the extreme thinking of "either-or" only pays attention to the two poles of things and ignores the intermediate stages. For example, "Failure is failure" and "either a good person or a bad guy".
2
"Terrible place to stay"
Things are not the worst, only worse, but we tend to see what we encounter as "the most terrible" and "hopeless", and thus fall into extreme anxiety, nervousness and other bad emotions. For example, "If I can't pass the Tsinghua Peking University, I will be completely finished" and "She doesn't love me, I am the most unfortunate".
3
Excessive humility
In order not to let people talk nonsense, we habitually ignore or deny our positive qualities. For example, "This time the results are good because I am lucky", "I fixed the machine, but anyone can do it".
4
Emotional reasoning
Treat bad emotions as facts and use them to determine your own behavior. For example, "This man makes me uncomfortable, he must be a villain", "I feel so sad, he must not want me".
5
Label negative
Ignore the actual situation and put a fixed label on yourself and others. For example, "My work is worthless, I am not worth anything."
6
Maximize/Minimize
Exaggerate the negatives and narrow the positives. For example, I excel in mathematics because I am lucky, and passing the language shows how stupid I am. In short, "I'm not learning that material."
7
The heart of the people
Thinking that you can understand the minds of others, and take your own inferences as facts, neither paying attention to other possibilities nor verifying. For example, if you don't say hello when you meet, he must look down on me.
8
Be self-centered
Think that everyone thinks like themselves, thinks that the way they see things is the way others see things, or insists that others should abide by the same standards of values and standards of life as themselves. For example, I think women should take care of the housework, so my wife should take care of all the housework.
9
Hypothesis = Conclusion
Don't look at the facts, start from the assumptions and draw conclusions directly. For example, today I went upstairs and walked 13 steps, I heard that the number 13 is unlucky, and I am going to be unlucky today.
10
Sweeping
Extrapolate a comprehensive conclusion from one or several things. For example, when you meet a liar, you think that there are scammers everywhere in the world.
11
"Should" and "Must"
Have some precisely fixed, rigid ideas, and use these ideas to restrain yourself and others. For example, I must be a successful person; I should win the appreciation of everyone; others must treat me fairly, etc.
12
Don't trust other people's good reviews
Don't trust other people's good opinions of themselves. For example, others praise me because they have other intentions, or because they are polite, or because they don't understand me.
I believe that many people see themselves from the 12 examples above.
03. Things are not as bad as we think,
Even it could be wonderful
But in fact, we will all find out in the end that things are not as bad as we thought, and even it may be beautiful.
There is a saying that prepares for the worst and does your best. In fact, sometimes making more bad plans can really enhance your ability to adapt to difficult situations. However, once things are excessive, it is always bad.
Thinking wildly, no matter how bad people are, will make people have different degrees of anxiety, tension, fear, irritability and other conditions. Severe ones can affect your life for a certain period of time, leading to severe anxiety disorders and even depression.
Once, when I was in danger, I was ordered by the head to ask me to do a good job. The night I took on the task, I lost sleep for a long time. All that comes to mind is the fear of messing things up tomorrow. The more inhibited, the stronger the thought became, and as a result, the whole night was in a trance, and the slightest noise woke up, and as soon as I woke up, I was worried about it.
The truth is, the next day with a huge black eye, I got things done smoothly. Yes, I was "exhausted" for seven or eight hours in vain.
Why do we always think things so badly for no reason?
1) These negative automatic thinking may be related to our expectations of transactions.
After the exam, before the results came out, I was worried that I might hang up the subject, because our expectations for the results were very high. When we get the task, we have all kinds of anxieties before we do it, because we have high expectations of our performance.
2) These negative automatic thoughts may also be related to our own ideas.
For example, some people (especially women) will completely deny themselves after encountering marriage changes, labeling their lives as "failures". Because, in their view, marriage is a major event in a woman's life, and women who cannot manage their marriage well are failures, overemphasizing the responsibility of women's identity in a happy marriage, and ignoring the objective understanding of their actual ability. These ideas are often formed in the acquired environment.
04. How to get rid of this negative automatic thinking?
1. Delay anxiety and divert attention.
Delaying anxiety is a term I coined. I believe that many people have discovered the fact that the chances of what cause us to be overly anxious every time will eventually happen are extremely small. So, as soon as I find that my negative thinking is working, I try to divert my attention.
For example, turning out the list of movies that you have been hiding for a long time, watching one after another; such as asking three or two friends to go to the rooftop to pick up strings; to hurry up, bubble feet to jump into bed, cover a thick cup to hibernate... After this particular period, it is often quick to prove that you are right to delay your anxiety. Because things aren't as bad as you think, and it may even be a break through the beauty you think.
2. Negative automatic thinking list.
In high school, I was under a lot of pressure to study. In stressful situations, people are more likely to think wildly due to nervous tension. I don't know if you found it, every time you prepare for the exam, it is always easy to lose your mind, and the content of the wandering is often those things that embarrass you or bad memories.
Realizing that I was thinking blindly, I would take out a piece of paper and write down my negative thoughts and anxieties. After the matter is over, write down the direction of the real thing. Collect these small notes, and look at them every time the negative automatic thinking comes up, you will find that ah, you have been blindly embarrassed so many times. Gradually, my problem of thinking of the bad in the face of things has also improved.
3. Change wrong concepts and cognitions
Compared with the first two points, changing wrong concepts and cognitions can cure negative automatic thinking, but it is also the most difficult. Many times, our thinking is deeply affected by misconceptions and cannot be self-aware. Because automated thinking happens so quickly, sometimes even in seconds. Compared with the rational analysis of emotions/thoughts, we are more "willing" to indulge in the emotions/thoughts of the moment and cannot extricate ourselves.
At the same time, many misconceptions/perceptions have become ingrained in our minds with experience and time, and it is often impossible to shake their roots on our own. Therefore, it is recommended that those who have too much negative automatic thinking contact a reliable psychological counselor for cognitive therapy. Under the correct guidance of the teacher, it is possible to ensure the correction of erroneous cognitions/concepts, thus eradicating negative automatic thinking.
Finally, I hope we don't embarrass ourselves too much because of our own wild thoughts! You know, things are not yet decided, and the result can be beautiful that you can't expect.
1
You worked so hard, why are you still panicking?
"You have to work hard, only hard work can you reap the rewards!" Since I can remember, almost everyone has grown up listening to the teachings of their parents and grandparents.
As children, we believed in this, but as we grew older, we discovered another indisputable fact: the harder we worked, the more anxious we became!
Both for themselves and for their children.
I remembered that before my son entered school, someone around me always advised me: it was time for early education, it was time to send English cram school, it was time to recognize words and learn pinyin... For such a suggestion, at first, I laughed and was not in a hurry.
In this way, my son spent a wonderful preschool time happily.
Sure enough, after entering the campus, the ranking class was at the bottom.
I was a little helpless, but accepted the reality: the child is talentless, maybe he is just an ordinary child.
People are often able to accept the results of the unexpended efforts; but once the effort is made, if the results do not match expectations, they often cannot let go.
As the child's learning status gradually adjusts, the grades rise steadily, but at the same time, the imbalance is the psychology of the parents.
I found that I began to care about the results of "hard work must be rewarded", and because of this, whenever the child was having a good time, I always panicked and tried to pull him back to the study table, advising him to "work harder".
I also found that I could not accept the result of "effort and results do not match", and whenever my child's grades slipped, I would panic, afraid that he would miss out on his future and hope.
The child is getting harder and harder, and I am getting more and more anxious.
One day, before going to bed, my son asked me confusedly: "Mom, why did you feel happy when I took an 80-point test before, but now, I have scored 98 points, but you are not satisfied?" ”
My son's words stopped me: Why? What's wrong with me?
I look back at myself, in fact, this anxiety has always been with me growing up.
Study hard and work hard, I never dare to slack off in the slightest, for fear that if I slacken off, I will lose my own existence value.
Uncertainty about the future, insecurity always hung over me, and I was afraid that if I didn't work hard, I would put myself in a worse situation. And all this comes from: my original family.
When I was a child, the conditions at home were not good, and most of the girls of the same age graduated early and went to work.
I was not willing, in order to prove that I was a piece of reading material to study desperately, and finally I did not live up to my parents' money saved from between my teeth and went to college.
After working, in order to prove that reading can get a better survival, I worked diligently and studied hard, for fear of being ridiculed by others: "After reading so many years of books, it is not as good as a beginner Chinese mixed up"...
Every day, I was busy, fulfilling, but anxious.
I suddenly realized that the harder I worked, the more anxious I became, and "fear of losing" was the biggest demon.
In fact, many people's anxiety does not come from whether there is any effort, but from a heart that wants to work hard but is too anxious.
2
Why do you try to succeed and still fall into anxiety?
Many times, we often think that hard work is hard, and once we reach our goal, we will become happy.
But the truth will tell you that the joy of success is only a moment, and many times, it still can't hide the black hole of anxiety.
How successful you are, how lost you are.
Why?
Psychology points out that there are two kinds of forces that push people to success:
One is love from the heart, and the other is fear from the heart. The former is fully engaged because of love, and the latter is desperate for fear of losing.
The result is also success, but the goal achieved under the impetus of fear, no matter how big the achievement, cannot satisfy a person's inner happiness.
Why do people still fall into anxiety when their efforts are successful?
Because effort itself does not bring happiness, what can bring happiness is a sense of accomplishment.
Compared with those who are working hard because of love, they are never afraid of failure, nor do they shrink back because of failure.
Every time they fail, they will be ignited, because that is true love.
There's a movie based on a true story called October Sky, which tells the story of an ordinary boy who goes from coal miner counterattack to space engineer.
In the beginning, like all his peers, he was just an ordinary high school student, worried about his future.
He had bad luck and failed in the team selection due to his poor physical fitness.
The son with mediocre grades and mediocre physical fitness is a "child who did not show up" in the eyes of his father.
The father decided early on that this son would be like himself in the future, but he was also a miner.
However, the boy named Homer was not content with mediocrity, and he said to his father: The coal mine is your life, not mine, and I want to go to space.
Homer dreams of building a rocket, but everyone around him is laughing at him, but it is a "fool's dream".
Thankfully, the boy's chemistry teacher supported his distant dream, telling the boy that dreams alone were not enough, he should go to the library to look up materials and learn everything related to rockets.
During his days in the library, Homer accidentally met a like-minded friend, who was also a space fan, and two "outliers" in the eyes of others became good friends, they studied theoretical knowledge together, made rocket models together, and tested flights together.
Despite countless failures, love didn't make them give up trying.
They analyzed the reasons for the failure, tried to improve it, found more heat-resistant steel, and even went so far as to pry discarded rails as materials...
Finally, the rocket test flight was successful, and the unattainable dream was realized.
In this way, step by step, the boy who insisted on his dreams because of his love, with his own efforts, finally became an engineer at NASA.
True love never looks ahead because of hard work, nor is it afraid of failure and becomes a joke of others.
Because they always know what they are working hard for and what they want; they also enjoy the whole process, and success is just a gain in the journey.
People who really work hard, they never feel anxious, on the contrary, they will only follow their own rhythm, perseverance, step by step efforts to get closer to the goal.
When a person works hard because of love, all efforts will become effortless.
3
Think differently and work harder
Psychologists have found that the difference between people and people is mainly in the difference in thinking.
Because the thinking mode is different, the life direction is different, success or failure, hidden in the thinking transformation.
In this world, no one has ever been able to succeed casually.
The value of effort should not be denied, parents in the process of cultivating children, but also pay attention to the cultivation of children's thinking.
When children learn to see the world from a perspective that sees through problems, many problems will be solved.
Think differently and work harder! These three psychological thinking effects, parents please be sure to know:
1) Flywheel effect
"Rubbing" is a common disease in children' bodies, getting up and rubbing, washing and rubbing, eating and rubbing, going out to grind, writing homework rubbing...
The child can't move, and the parent should be clear about the reason.
Behind the rubbing is actually the problem of "slackness", that is, the child's psychology of refusing the next action before knowing that he is going to do one thing.
Behind this mentality lurks the "flywheel effect", which pushes the child to progress, just like pushing a stationary flywheel to rotate.
In the beginning, you have to spend a lot of effort, pushing round and round, until the flywheel reaches a certain critical point, gravity and impulse become part of the thrust, and the flywheel rotates on its own.
The same is true for children, parents should let their children understand the fact that after surviving the beginning, they will gradually enter a better situation; at the same time, parents themselves must be prepared to wait patiently.
When the child's progress is slow, when the child is regressive, please firmly invest in the effort with the child, believing that there will be a moment to push the flywheel.
2) Birdcage effect
The birdcage effect stems from an interesting bet between psychologist James and his friend Professor Carlson.
James predicted that Carlson would soon have a bird, and to prove his ability, he gave a beautiful birdcage to his friend.
From then on, whenever friends visited their homes, they would ask Carlson when to continue raising birds. Forced to do so, Carlson had to buy a bird to go home.
Because of a bird cage, there is a bird, which is the "bird cage effect".
Parents' rational use of the "birdcage effect" can stimulate children's interest in learning.
such as:
Send a flower pot and let the child fall in love with raising flowers;
After taking your child to a piano concert, let your child fall in love with the piano;
Watch English cartoons with your children, let your children love school English...
Give the child a "bird cage" to stimulate the child to transform from passive learning to active learning, the "bird cage effect" compared to the "bitter mouth" preaching, as if to give the child a chance to explore the "world" on their own.
3) Caterpillar effect
This stems from an experiment done by the French psychologist John Farber: the caterpillar is joined end to end, placed in a circle on the edge of a pot, and then sprinkled some pine leaves not far away for food.
Experiments have found that caterpillars circle around the basin day and night, but do not know how to change direction to crawl to food, and eventually exhausted, one after another death.
When the child gives a lot but gains very little, parents should help the child examine the question: Has the child become the caterpillar?
In the mentality of blind obedience, seeing what others do, they will do what they do, blindly following the trend, and the results have little effect.
Efforts require persistence, and efforts also require adjusting direction from time to time to make more valuable efforts
4
The Taiwanese writer Long Yingtai once said to his children in a book:
Child, I ask you to study hard, not because I want you to compare grades with others, but because I hope that you will have the right to choose in the future, choose meaningful and time-consuming work, rather than being forced to make a living;
When your work has meaning in your heart, you have a sense of accomplishment;
When your work gives you time and doesn't deprive you of your life, you have dignity. A sense of accomplishment and dignity that gives you joy.
What is the use of effort?
When your child asks this question, as a parent, please be sure to tell him the truth of the world, that is: how much love and persistence you have, the world will return to you how much freedom and respect.
This is the greatest meaning of effort!