Children often make mistakes, sometimes even deliberately, and then the adult needs to analyze what happens. The reason can be found from both inside and outside, on the one hand, from the inside to see what the adults pay attention to their own feelings, on the other hand, from the outside to the inside to observe the child's behavior, from the child to find clues.
Generally, there are four situations, let's see if this is the case.
The first behavior: the child makes the parent feel irritated, anxious, guilty, or annoyed, if the parent asks the child to stop, the child's reaction is to stop for a while, but usually start over soon, then the child may be seeking excessive attention.
Second behavior: the child makes the parent feel threatened, challenged, provoked, or sometimes defeated, if you ask the child to stop, he also continues his bad behavior, and against your demands, passive resistance, then the child may be seeking rights.
The third behavior: the child is very negative, I hope you give up on him, don't bother him again, let the parents feel desperate and helpless, then the child may be self-destructive. For example, the child becomes a very laissez-faire person in school, and always makes foreign appearances and jokes in the class, which is actually a manifestation of self-abandonment.
Fourth behavior: The child often fights back at you with some destructive behavior or hurtful words, making the parent feel hurt, disappointed, unbelievable, or hateful, and the child's purpose is likely to be revenge.
In the spring of the French film cattle herding class, there was a child who smoked, and the last choice was to set a fire to burn the whole school, which was extreme revenge.
The most basic and effective solution to the above four behaviors is to establish feelings with your child, you should express your appreciation for him, pay more attention to his advantages, and let him know that his parents have unconditional love for him.
At the same time, there are corresponding countermeasures for these four behaviors.
For children seeking excessive attention, have more parent-child time
For children who seek excessive attention, hug him often and let him feel the love of his parents, especially more parent-child time.
For parent-child time, there is such a story. When a mom was reading with her three-year-old daughter, the phone rang and the mom picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you right now, it's a special time for lolita." "After the child listened, he felt that he had received sufficient attention.
If parents learn to create a special time, their children do not need to get your attention every day. In this way you can walk away from the child at any time, you go on a business trip the child will say goodbye to you, you will not even bother you when you work overtime at home, because he does not need to constantly disturb your work to attract your attention, he knows very well in his heart that the father or mother is very concerned about him.
Parents can also make an agreement or secret code with their children, such as an agreement with their children to play a tune whistle, that is, to meet, and then to do a certain action means that I love you, these unique codes will make children feel intimate, but also let children feel that they are concerned.
For power-seeking children, an effective trick is to quit
When parents and children have a power struggle, the most effective move is to calm down and then withdraw from the power struggle so that both sides have time to calm down. Then, the parents themselves have to admit that you can't force your child to do anything, and ask the child to help the parents find a solution that works for each other.
There are some things that children do not want to do, but have to do, such as early rest, watch less TV, etc., at this time to express the understanding of the child's feelings, while expressing sympathy for the child, but not forgiveness. It's even better if you tell your child that you've had similar feelings or behaviors.
Finally, guide your child to focus on problem solving, use their power constructively, and if your child has no ideas, you can make some suggestions until a consensus is reached.
Remind parents that it is still necessary to often express love and care for their children, because children who seek rights often feel that their parents do not love him and lack love, and the child will express his protest by seeking rights.
For children who give up on themselves, the most effective way is to encourage them
Why do some children give up on themselves? Every child is born to be a good child, and he gives up on himself because he has too many failures in his life and learning. For them, failure is not the mother of success, failure is the mother of failure.
For example, there are some children, just entered primary school, for various reasons, such as late puberty, etc., he also worked hard, the results of the test are not good, other children test 90 points or even 100 points, he tested 80 points.
Then in the eyes of parents, in the eyes of teachers, this is called failure. This signal of failure will be transmitted to the child, let him feel the failure, he is trying, and he has failed, and he has formed a negative cycle. Then he will establish the understanding that no matter how hard I try, it is useless, I simply don't work hard, I give up on myself, and then I deliberately make mistakes.
For children who give up on themselves, parents must find ways to find a successful thing in his life, praise the child at the same time, and encourage him more.
For example, once a child takes the 90-point test, then the parents must give him positive encouragement, let him have some positive psychological experience, then he will be willing to continue to work hard to learn, willing to continue to listen carefully, and then complete the homework well, if this effort will be successful.
Then, you will find that what changes on the surface is a little bit of achievement, and what changes in the heart is that the child's self-abandonment psychology is fading a little bit.
If parents can grasp any of the successes or things that the child has done well, and then encourage the child to have a positive emotional response, then after a period of time, the child's inferiority, the child's self-abandonment, and the child's intentional mistakes will gradually change to diligence. But this process is often not achieved overnight, but requires long-term persistence of parents.
Always remember, use warm words to guide, and remember not to blame with indifference, because people are prone to degeneration when they are in a low mood.
Always say to your child: Child, I am proud of you!
Be a strong backing for children, be proud of children, inject children with full of positive energy, and children will change with their mother's words and become more excellent.
For children who are looking for revenge, parents should learn to bow their heads and admit their mistakes
When a child has said very clearly that he hates you and he wants to take revenge on you, it shows that you really have too much control over him before, and he really doesn't like your control too much, and he doesn't like your accusations too much.
What should parents do at this time?
First, adjust your mindset. You have to realize that the child has grown up and has his own ideas, you must not treat him the way he used to, and you should stop asking for anything from the child immediately.
If the child's heart is still communicating with the parents, there is still a buffer period, if the child locks his door once he locks his door, he does not communicate with you, it will be more troublesome.
Second, write an apology letter. Some parents may say, I am not wrong, why write an apology letter. Children hate you and want to get revenge on you, there must be a reason, have you ever thought about it?
This apology is really because you did something wrong and apologized to the child, for example, I should not control the child, should not only care about your learning, etc., do not ask him for anything in the future. I was also a parent for the first time, just reflecting on my past wrong behavior. I believe that such a sincere apology should be able to make the child's heart move.
The ultimate goal of education is not to win the child, the parents bow their heads and admit their mistakes, in order to win the child.
Third, let the child release himself. The child needs to release what he has suppressed, and the parent needs to give him a little time to release it well. So how long does this take, depending on the specific situation, at least half a year.
Fourth, parents should learn to communicate. Parents should learn more good parent-child communication methods, learn how to recognize him, because the child needs to prove himself too much, and you must recognize it in time.