A 30-year-old young man walked into my psychiatric office:
"I'm afraid I'm going to kill my wife one day!"
homicide? So serious?
I stabilized my emotions and listened to him tell his story.
First, I was so good to her, but she called me "perverted"
Li Yajun (pseudonym), married for two years. The wife became increasingly cold and often refused sex.
The reason is very simple, Li Yajun's desire to control is too strong!
Li Yajun would always ask his wife's detailed whereabouts, down to what she was doing in minutes and seconds.
Take the opportunity to peek at your wife's phone and even stalk her a few times.
The wife was furious, calling him a "pervert" and even fighting several times about it.
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The wife is now doing business with a male friend, which makes Li Yajun can't help but be suspicious, often to make up some pictures: the two chat together, drink tea, and even hold hands, hug...
Li Yajun said that if his wife had a suspected infidelity, he might lose his mind, "Really kill my wife!" ”
At this time, his voice suddenly increased, and he was about to lose control of himself.
Although he said that his wife had never been unfaithful, introverted, and not a big beauty, "I loved her very much and was afraid of losing her." I knew this distrust was disrespectful to her, but I still couldn't control myself. ”
After talking, I found that Li Yajun was very attached to his wife and also cared very much about her attitude and evaluation.
Especially when the wife decided to do business in partnership with someone else, he strongly objected. Li Yajun did not help his wife to start a business, his income was limited, and when he occasionally quarreled fiercely, his wife said harsh words such as "you are useless", like an awl into the heart.
"Useless", the word brought him a deep sense of frustration.
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Li Yajun has talked about 3 girlfriends, and the reason for the breakup is: "I am so good to them, but they say that I am too clingy." ”
The reason why his current wife attracts him is because "the first time I see her, I feel that she is very down-to-earth and very secure."
Security?
This is generally a woman's evaluation of men, but Li Yajun fell in love with this woman because of her sense of security.
His various behaviors can be found in his childhood life.
Second, the deformed love for the wife stems from the deprived mother's love
Li Yajun's childhood was very unfortunate, and his memory was full of parents arguing and fighting. The only warm memories come from the mother:
Hug him, wipe his nose, buy snacks for him to eat.
But when he was 5 years old, his parents divorced. On the day his mother left, the boy cried heart out and knew in his heart that his mother would never come back. His father kept cursing and pulled him back into the house.
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His father never remarried and raised him until college. The mother also re-established the family and almost never had contact with Li Yajun again.
From a psychological point of view, this is a poor example of "childhood object relationships".
What is an object?
Simply put, the subject is yourself, and the object is the person with whom you are with, or the things that affect you[1].
People are very weak at an early age, and they need to establish intimate attachment relationships and gain a sense of security through the care and nurturing of their mothers.
If the childhood object relationship is not good, the interpersonal relationship in adulthood may be problematic, and the emotions of others will be constantly asked for to make up for the lack of childhood.
Li Yajun's childhood, there is obviously a lack of intimate attachment relationship:
He is desperately lacking in comfort, affirmation and tolerance from his mother, and his emotional attachment has nowhere to rest. That's why adults will be desperately eager for this kind of feeling.
At this point, the provider of affection is replaced by his wife/girlfriend, and attachment is also turned to them.
His control over his wife is due to the subconscious learning of his father's behavior.
As an adult, he finally lived to the look he hated and began to control his wife.
However, the father scolded the mother, and his way was to interrogate and check his whereabouts. As it goes on, verbal and behavioural violence can occur at any time.
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Third, people with unfortunate childhoods are curing their childhood all their lives
Li Yajun once looked for the so-called "emotional recovery company", but the other party only taught him some opportunistic means, not the root cause.
He needs the help of a counselor to understand that his state has a lot to do with his childhood experience, and to be aware of and terminate his current pathological behavior in time.
After thinking about it, I tried to help him with hypnotherapy.
In a hypnotic state, I asked him to imagine:
If you could go back in time and face that 5-year-old you, could you say something encouraging to him?
He said "yes" and then said:
"Don't be afraid, although your mother has left you, there will still be someone who loves you and lets you grow up safely." You will grow into a healthy man, a wife who loves you, a child of your own, a happy family..."
I said, "Well, do you think the little boy understands?" ”
"I don't have to understand it completely, but I don't have to be so scared."
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After a while, Li Yajun told me, "Yesterday when my wife was taking a shower, I put my mobile phone in the living room, and I didn't even look at it."
This is indeed a very iconic change. As long as he persists, he will definitely be able to return to the best state of the relationship.
Four or three sets of "cruel" experiments tell you how important your mother is
After Li Yajun's story is over, I believe you must want to ask:
Whose childhood was smooth sailing? Even if it is a little unpleasant, as for so many years can not pass?
Your question is also the question of a psychologist. In the 1950s, the American psychologist Harlow designed a series of experiments using monkeys.
(Psychologist Harlow and his rhesus monkeys)
Experiment 1: Which is the monkey to choose between a mom who provides food or a mom who provides hugs?
As soon as the little monkey was born, he was forced to separate from his mother and gave it to two fake monkeys to "raise".
One of them is made of wire but can provide milk (milk); the other is made of flannel, without milk, but can be hugged.
Guess which mother does the little monkey prefer? "Milk is a mother"?
The answer is that the little monkey is willing to hold "Mother Cloth" most of the time, and only when he is hungry will he go to find "Mother Nurse".
If the monkeys are suddenly startled while they are playing, they will run to the "cloth mother" without exception.
If you put "Mother Cloth" in a place where they can see but can't touch it, they will look at it with their eyes or shrink on the ground and shiver.
Conclusion: Love needs to be touched.
Experiment 2: Will a baby female monkey who is deprived of maternal love grow up to be a qualified mother?
Researchers have found that monkeys raised by "artificial mothers" are not only lonely and depressed, but also attack each other and even self-harm, and the mother monkeys lose their willingness to mate.
So they made a "rape rack", tied the female monkey to it, and forced to have sex with the normal male monkey.
As a result, the mother monkeys were extremely indifferent to their children, often beating and abusing them, and even biting them to death.
Conclusion: Individuals who do not receive love cannot pass on love to the next generation.
Experiment 3: After suffering from the "mother", will the child leave?
The researchers set up various mechanisms on the "cloth mother", including firing blunt-headed iron nails at the monkeys, blowing air conditioners, and making strange noises.
At first, the little monkey will scream and jump away, keeping a certain distance, but soon it will return to it and hold it as before.
Conclusion: Attachment and love for the mother is difficult to shake because the mother hurts herself.
It is no exaggeration to describe these 3 experiments as "cruel", and Harlow himself is controversial because of this. But he exchanged experiments for the healthy growth of a generation of Americans.
Because at that time, American society generally believed that to exercise the will of children, they could not be dependent on their mothers, as long as they were guaranteed nutrition to let them grow up.
In fact, if a child loses contact and comfort from her mother, it can have a serious negative impact on life and relationships in adulthood.
Finally, a word for everyone:
Happy people are cured by childhood all their lives; unfortunate people are cured of childhood all their lives.
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Based on the basic professional norms of the counseling industry and the privacy protection of all clients, the description of this case in the article retains only the basic framework. All content that may reveal the identity of the visitor, as well as content that may make the visitor guess that he is describing himself, has been adapted accordingly.
bibliography
Xiong Wei. Object Relationship Theory in Psychoanalysis[J]. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2000, 027(004):193-198.
[2] Seay B , Hansen E , Harlow H . MOTHER-INFANT SEPARATION IN MONKEYS*[J]. Journal of Child Psychology & Psychiatry, 1962, 3(3-4):123-132.
*The content of this article is a popularization of health knowledge and cannot be used as a specific diagnosis and treatment recommendation, nor is it a substitute for face-to-face consultation by a practicing physician, for reference only.
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