When it comes to the way children express anger and dissatisfaction, the first thing we think of may be tantrums and crying.
However, in life, there is also such a phenomenon: children behave very well-behaved and obedient, but there will always be some "inexplicable" behavior:
Obviously, the last bite of food that can be eaten must always be left;
Urging him to go faster, he is not in a hurry, surprisingly slow;
You ask him anything and he's either silent or answers it/casually/doesn't matter;
What is even more infuriating is that every time he makes a mistake and criticizes him, he always accepts it with an open mind, but resolutely does not change.
These soft and hard behaviors of not eating make parents feel angry and speechless than they are in a bad temper and crying.
In fact, psychology calls this kind of soft and hard behavior of not eating and deliberately contradicting it as "stealth attack".
01
Stealth attacks are weapons for the weak
American psychologist Dr. Tim Murphy defines "stealth attack" this way:
The weaker party uses indirect means such as delaying, avoiding, deliberately provoking, and secretly retaliating to express to the stronger party the anger accumulated due to unequal status.
The trigger that triggered it was "hidden anger."
In the family, parents are often the stronger party, while children are relatively weak. Children who are angry and dissatisfied, but cannot express themselves directly, will be presented in this roundabout way.
A plot from the short film The Stained Club portrays this "hidden anger" vividly.
The little boy in the play always has blue marks on his face, and he is ridiculed by his friends.
One day, he ran home sullenly and asked his mother why he had imprints on his body.
Mom was too busy watching TV to take care of him, and she turned up the volume of the TV.
When he asked his mother whether the marks on his face were ugly, her mother pushed him away impatiently.
The little boy slumped to the ground and didn't make as much noise as the other children did. He allowed the blue "gravel" to slowly surround him and invade his body.
When he reappeared the next day, the blue marks on his face increased visibly.
In fact, these blue imprints are the "hidden anger" of the little boy, and it is usually the "hidden anger" of more children who dare to be angry or do not want to speak.
When this anger accumulates in the child's heart to a certain extent, they will launch an "invisible attack".
In fact, to put it bluntly, they will take a "roundabout" approach: I am not satisfied with you, but I act indifferent, so that you can't see that I am very concerned about this, but I will secretly retaliate against you.
What's even more frightening is that invisible attackers don't care about winning or losing, they only care about every chance of retaliation. Sometimes invisible attackers don't realize they're expressing discontent and anger. Its lethality is greater than that of a direct attack.
People do things in an avoidant way for a long time, and eventually become unhappy and often resentful. Over time, it will cause a lot of physical and mental diseases. For example, depression, anorexia, etc., more serious will also hurt themselves.
People who are attacked by invisibility will also become exhausted and even collapse because of the years of avoidance of invisible attackers.
02
What behaviors are "stealth attacks" in children?
When children exhibit these behaviors, perhaps, we should stop and examine: have we been "invisible attacked"? Is there something wrong with getting along with children?
01
procrastinate
Superficially obedient, covertly procrastinating.
For example, after eating, you ask your child to write homework. He also obediently went, but there will always be a few wrong questions, and when you check, he seems to seriously ask you to help him analyze the problem, but in fact, he did not listen to your explanation, so it dragged until 12 o'clock. The next time he does the same problem, he will still be wrong.
02
cold war
Problems are treated coldly and do not express emotions.
For example, if the child goes to sweep the floor, the child will bring headphones to listen to music, symbolically take the broom and sweep it a few times and he will return to the house.
3
forgetful
Habitually forget something.
For example, when I came home and asked him what homework he had left today, he always replied "sincerely": I'm sorry, Mom, I forgot.
4
lie
There are always excuses to whitewash their true motives.
For example, when children go to school, they start to look for reasons such as stomachache, leg pain, toothache, etc., and cry and don't want to go to school.
3
What kind of family is prone to stealth attack babies
Observations have found that the more unequal the parent-child relationship, the more likely the child is to have "invisible attack" behavior, often manifested as:
Parents are too strong, control too much over their children, and only rely on their own ideas and wishes to discipline and arrange everything about their children.
Parents are more severe, picky, often unaccustomed to some of the child's behavior, often blame the child; the child's feelings and ideas are often not respected, ignored and denied; parents do not allow the child to show anger, anger and other emotions, can not see the child's dissatisfaction with themselves.
In such a family, children have always been controlled and strictly disciplined by their parents, but they dare not directly resist, but they have always accumulated anger and dissatisfaction in their hearts, and they will vent their inner emotions by means of superficial obedience, but delay in action, slowness, "yang and yin violation", and deliberate mistakes.
But all along, many parents have an emotional cognitive misunderstanding, believing that "controlling" emotions and suppressing anger is a manifestation of children's high emotional intelligence. This is also the reason why "stealth attacks" are easily ignored by parents.
There are also some parents with an impatient personality and a violent temper, not only do not realize that their own discipline methods are wrong, do not want to guide their children to express their emotions correctly, but on the contrary, they will think that the children are simply slow, and even feel that the children are stupid, and then continue to urge, teach, and harshly criticize the children.
In the long run, children will not only often feel ashamed in the parent-child relationship, their self-esteem is extremely low, but also will use "stealth attack" as a habitual means of secretly controlling each other, and when they grow up, they will not only encounter many social obstacles, but also frequently encounter walls in the workplace.
4
How should parents respond to "stealth attacks"?
If a child is already showing signs of an "invisible attack", how should we respond?
First of all, we need to be clear: we and our children are not on the opposite side of losing and winning, right and wrong. When children encounter difficulties, we look for ways and provide suggestions to solve problems and grow together.
#1
Allow your child to express anger, dissatisfaction, and other emotions
Children will be angry, dissatisfied, disappointed because of some of the parents' behavior, it is a very normal and common thing, parents as long as they think about it, they can accept and understand.
Therefore, in the process of educating children, parents should treat children with an equal and respectful mentality, attach importance to his feelings, allow children to express anger, and help children recognize their emotions and manage emotions correctly.
For example, gently ask the child: "Are you angry because your mother does not let you eat ice cream?" "Do not ignore, reprimand, or prevent the child's emotional expression, wait for the child to calm down, and then explain the reason why you can't eat."
In addition, parents themselves did not do a good job, should have the courage to admit their mistakes to their children: "Dad said good to pick you up forgot, I'm sorry." "Even if the child is angry for a while, he will soon forgive his parents."
Children who are allowed to express emotions are mentally healthier and have higher emotional intelligence.
#2
Let go appropriately and give autonomy back to the child
Many parents always like to command and control their children, let him write homework, go to interest classes, read, make friends and so on according to their own arrangements.
And children have long been under such strict discipline, without a little right to choose and decide, lack of free space, will fall into boredom, rebellion.
We should all understand that raising children is a process of slowly letting go.
Parents only need to grasp the general direction, give their children the right to make their own decisions on specific issues, and respect their ideas. Moderate autonomy, more than the arrangement of everything, can cultivate children's independence and sense of responsibility.
#3
Less critical accusations, more encouragement and appreciation
Some parents have high requirements and expectations for their children, and they always can't help but criticize their children. But every child craves the warm love of their parents and wants to be affirmed, supported and appreciated by their parents.
Children who are always criticized and denied will have feelings of inferiority and powerlessness over time, feel that they are not loved, and constantly deny their own value:
"Why am I not satisfied with how my parents are?"
"Why am I so bad?"
This negative mentality will reduce the enthusiasm and enthusiasm of children to do things, more and more slack, "anyway, what I do parents are not satisfied, simply give up the effort", so there will also be "stealth attack" behavior.
Therefore, we must encourage and appreciate the child more, let the child feel love and acceptance, he will have more courage, self-confidence, behavior in a positive direction, and make himself better.
END