When children are very young, you are often tired and physically exhausted, but now that they are older, you are often mentally exhausted. More anxiety, more arguments, more mental battles. So, how do you allow yourself to discipline them effectively while remaining calm?
An American wrote an educational book about the psychological state of adolescents at all stages and how parents should cope.
The United States and China are so different in every way that some of the questions raised in the book or the way to deal with them are difficult for me to apply to my own children. However, several of the ideas in the book struck me and forced me to reflect on whether my actions were appropriate. Specially done to share with you:
01 Roller coaster thigh bar
Have you ever had such an experience? When you were a child, the child who used to stick to you suddenly closed his door one day and stopped letting you in and out at will? He started sighing at you, rolling his eyes, rejecting anything you wanted him to do? Has he been rude to you, cold to you, alienated from you, or taciturn?
Congratulations, what you have is a real teenager.
When you read this, did you get some psychological comfort? I have, and I have finally calmed down in countless times of madness. It turns out that my child is not incurable, it turns out that these behaviors are normal manifestations of children. Thanks to this book, I realized this and made me feel that my education was not too much of a failure.
So, what kind of psychology is the child?
Ever taken a roller coaster ride? In addition to the seat belt, there is a thigh pressure bar, and when it is lowered, have you tried to push it, experiment with it, pull it with both hands? Do you want it to fail? Of course not. You do that only because you need to make sure that the lever can hold up.
Children are the same psychology.
They'll keep testing you, pressing you, pushing you, and seeing if you hold up like a roller coaster's thigh lever. They need to know that you are reliable when everything else is unreliable and uncertain.
You're solid.
You're safe.
You can hold on.
But what have I done? When I want my child to visit my loved ones with me, he doesn't want to go. But I said to him, "If you don't go, it will make me very faceless, so you can't go with me for me?" If you don't want to go, you don't go, and your behavior is so selfish. "Am I not selfish when I speak to my children like this?" I'm so on the line that I'm pushing my kids farther and farther away.
What should we do?
If they push you, press you, and test you, it's actually a sign that they desperately need you, they just don't know how to express their needs in words, they just deliberately cover up because they are afraid.
If we compare adolescence to a roller coaster, we are thigh pressers. When we are the safest thigh press for children, can we still choose to avoid because of our emotional madness?
From now on, spend more time with your children and have more high-quality interactions.
1 Schedule your own time
Set aside a fixed amount of time to communicate with your child alone. For example, the first Friday night of every month.
2 Remember: You don't cancel the agreement
Unless someone dies, or you break a bone and go to the hospital, don't even think about canceling your date with them. I tell you, do that and you'll lose their trust.
3 Make dating fun
Don't spend the night exploring how to make your relationship better. This barely works. Spend your time doing something you both love. Actually doing so will make your relationship more harmonious.
Plan a plan with your child for something that both parties want to do. For example, watching a movie, going to a restaurant for dinner, an outdoor outing, anything.
4 Train in a targeted way, not just try
Training is step-by-step, planned, build a plan to repair the relationship with your child, and then take action step by step according to the plan.
Perhaps, the above suggestions are not smooth for you to operate. Please don't be discouraged, and remember the following:
Nothing good or important in life can be accomplished effortlessly or without resistance. All that can grow naturally without having to spend effort is probably the breeding of fungi, spreading weeds and growing weight.
Believe that your time together is a sowing process. Keep practicing, you will do better and better, just like you do other things, don't get discouraged. If you feel like nothing is happening between you, that's great, and that's the best effect.
Your teenage kids deserve your extra time. I know it's hard because you don't see results quickly in kids. No one will give you a medal for what you're doing. Doing a thigh bar on a roller coaster is a thankless task, isn't it? But, from a real personal safety point of view, of all the parts of that huge, complex roller coaster, the most important thing is the thigh crusher. Let's all make a good press bar.
02 The rules of the game between you and your child have changed
Suddenly, one day, you find that your innocent, cute, simple child has become a teenager who makes you elusive, completely strange, and sometimes even unbelievable.
At this time, when you still handle the relationship between you according to the previous thinking mode, it will inevitably not work.
How to be a good coach?
1 The coach has absolute authority
See power as a "burden of responsibility" based on communication such as trust, influence, written rules, and values.
2 Focus on personality development, rather than just staring at the results
Life is much more than what we can or can't achieve, the key to life is our heart.
If he does something very challenging on his own, don't care about nothing, just evaluate the results.
Rehearse with him before it even starts. That is, to help him simulate the real environment, reduce stress, and overcome fear. You should always ask yourself, what special situations may your child face? What can you do to prepare them for these special situations?
In the process of things, let go, unless the child takes the initiative to come to you for help.
When things are over, let's review together. "What did we learn from this? Before the rehearsal, what worked and what didn't work? How can you improve? ”
3 Deliberate discussion of "devastating" failures
Devastating failures are those that can seriously disrupt a person's life. In all the circumstances of life, if a person suffers a devastating failure, his chances of success will become very slim. We have to talk to him about these failures, because they are real and the consequences are extremely serious.
For example, dropping out of school, making friends who can't make mistakes, getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant.
4 Discipline children with values rather than emotions
When he does something wrong, when he acts rebellious, or when he openly confronts us, there is often a nameless fire in our hearts that wants to burst out, but, personally, I have found that tantrums do not help at all.
Some parents are aggressive, emotionally impulsive, and hysterical, often doing so to regain control of the situation. As a result, children are often despised for their negative emotional outbursts.
Some parents are just the opposite, they do not get angry, but sulk alone. Some people call this kind of behavior ignoring, avoidance strategy or cold treatment, no matter what it is called, the result is the same, which is a kind of relative retreat. In some ways, it may be more dangerous to do so.
Whatever tendency you have, the result is the same, and you let the emotions dominate.
When you're dealing with him, you have to remember who the adults are and who needs to behave more maturely. Don't be emotional, act based on the principle of values.
The key to disciplining children is to establish the goal of consensus and to outline the privileges and consequences of clarity.
5 Most Important Words: Encouragement is always more effective than punishment!
Don't pale up and say, "You're great," "Nice," or something like that's not nutritious. To encourage his behavior, for example, "Today's online class you answer the question is particularly active, positive, your mother is optimistic about you", "This math problem you answered in 2 minutes, 3 minutes faster than usual, how to improve so much?" ”
Let your child know what he does and get your appreciation.
If you don't use the previous suggestions well, don't skimp on your "praise". This is more important and valid than all recommendations.
03 Psychological characteristics of children of different ages and the role of parents
The characteristics of American children in which age may be different from China, when comparing this table, it is recommended not to look at the age group, directly look at the characteristics of the child's behavior, and then according to the table shown in the right medicine.
04 Eight sentences every teenager needs to hear
1 I love you: Express your love.
2 I'm proud of you: give more applause to children for their efforts than achievements.
3 Sorry: Adults have to be responsible.
4 I forgive you: Let your child dare to admit his mistakes.
5 I'm listening: You can't control your child, but you can influence him by listening and asking questions.
6 It's your responsibility: to provide spiritual encouragement and guidance, but to hold himself accountable.
7 You can do it: Your trust is the best encouragement for your child.
8 No: The negation of error is the affirmation of right. When it comes to matters of principle, it must be said "no".
The following is an excerpt from the original text.
05 21 Ways to Indirectly Understand How Your Child Was Doing at School Today
1 With what, your school will be better? What is missing, your school will be better?
2 If you were a teacher, what would you like to teach?
3 What's the best/saddest/funniest/scariest thing you saw today?
4 What did you learn today?
5 If the content of today's class was to watch a movie, which movie would you like to watch?
6 Who do you think could be better for?
7 Which course is easiest for you? Which course is the hardest? In which course did you learn the most and in which class did you learn the least?
8 If you could read minds, which teacher's mind would you like to read?
9 If you had to give a theme song to today, which song would you choose?
10 Which class do you like best?
11 What do you think you should do more in school?
12 What are the three things you hear your classmates talk about the most between classes?
13 What do you think is the most important part of going to school?
14 If an alien ship landed at your school, who would you like to be brought to the ship by the tow wave and taken to an alien planet?
15 Who have you helped today? Who helped you today?
16 What time of day do you most look forward to? What time of day are you most afraid of?
17 What improvements would you like to make to school lunches?
18 Which classmate do you think is most likely to be arrested/elected as chairman/become a millionaire/become a movie actor/other?
19 If you could only take one class a day, what class would you choose?
20 If you could use an emoji today, which emoji would you choose?
21 What do you think teachers will talk about in the office after school today?
06 41 Ways to Build a Good Relationship with Your Child
1 Simply go with him to enjoy a lunch.
2 Take him to an event and surprise him.
3 Hand-write a card for him, not necessarily on a special occasion.
4 Send him encouraging text messages from time to time every week.
5 Care about what he cares about.
6 Tell him that you are proud to see him do something meaningful.
7 Participate in his activities such as sports, band performance, theatrical performance, debate.
8 Teach him the right way to shake hands.
9 See his troubles as potential wealth.
10 Tell him directly about the difficulties the family faces.
11 When you mess things up, apologize immediately and honestly.
12 Ask him which movie he likes best, and then take him to see it without saying a word.
13 Ask him about his future career plans.
14 Involve him in making important decisions.
15 Get the whole family together to participate in activities he once told you he liked.
16 When you are confronted with a child's angry/aimless/emotionally changeable behavior, think carefully about what he really thinks.
17 When you see him doing good, praise him in public.
18 Squeeze out some fixed time each week to stay with him.
19 Ask him some open-ended questions that will help develop critical analytical skills. "If you could, what changes would you like to make to your school to make it better?"
20 Understand His fears, even if you think it doesn't make sense.
21 Watch and comment on an important documentary together.
22 Discuss the lives, achievements, and even failures of eminent people, asking him who he admires most and why.
23 Make a list of ten places he makes you admire and show him those lists.
24 Encourage him to read important books on self-development.
25 Encourage him to use a compassionate person in his news reports as an example for himself to follow.
26 Start your conversation by having a few frequent individual conversations with him on important topics, "Let's discuss a challenging topic in five minutes. ”
27 Ask him about his future, what are you most worried about?
28 Even if he refuses, keep inviting him.
29 Talk to his friends, remember their names, and be their advocates.
30 Volunteer with him at a local nonprofit that will develop his sense of gratitude and ability to discern right from wrong.
31 Ask him which song he likes best, listen to it, and experience a deeper meaning beyond the song and lyrics.
32 Fix a time to eat together.
33 Do not belittle him in front of his friends.
34 Hear his thoughts on political events in news reports.
35 If conditions permit, travel with him, and let him set a destination.
36 Give more praise to the effort that is given, rather than the result of the effort.
37 Do what you say.
38 Unless unpleasant topics are naturally mentioned, arrange another time to talk about them.
39 Randomly be alone with your child and surprise him.
40 Ask him to help with something very important.
41 Pick a dish that is difficult to make and follow the recipe with him.
Getting along with adolescent children requires patience, needs to restrain their emotions, needs encouragement, and needs trust.
Be his most trusted thigh bar, and we'll work together to accompany a better child.