In 2004, a documentary called "Kindergarten" was released in China, which used real lenses to expose children's social situation in school.
A boy said the name of the girl he liked in class, but he was immediately rebuked by the girl: "He looks so ugly!" ”
One child had been noisy during his nap and was told to the teacher by another child, but this child was isolated because he "reported" to the teacher.
There was also a little boy, who suddenly changed his face, pointed to the little girl next to him, and said fiercely: "You don't sit next to me, do you hear me?" ”
Our schools don't usually have a "how to deal with others" class, and don't specifically teach children about cooperation, empathy, conflict resolution, emotion management, and communication skills.
If they encounter social bullying, or other social difficulties, children have little opportunity to learn and practice the corresponding social skills, so they grow up with doubts or fears about social interaction.
Nowadays, all kinds of communication courses for adults on the Internet are popular, is this not the bitter result of the lack of social skills development in childhood?
So today, Qingdou Jun wants to talk about the topic of "social bullying" and share with you the coping strategies for "social bullying" in the book "How to Cultivate Children's Social Quotient".
If our child is also suffering from social bullying, at least we need to know how to help him.
Definition of social bullying:
Deliberately bullying you with my relationship with you
What is social bullying? Children form small groups to ridicule, exclude or isolate a child, and these more "invisible bullying" are social bullying.
In a nutshell, social bullying is "deliberately bullying you with my relationship with you".
For example, the sudden snub and love of a child;
For example, co-opting small groups to target a child;
For example, threatening to break up a child and saying, "No matter how you do, I will not play with you";
Another example is to mock a child behind the scenes, spread rumors about a child, and so on.
This kind of "bullying" is relatively hidden, and if the child does not say it, it is difficult to be detected by adults.
Let's look at a real-world case:
Dan Dan just went to the third grade, recently she always pretended to have "stomach pain" and did not want to go to school, her mother took her to the hospital for examination, and did not find any abnormalities in her body.
Later, under the questioning of her mother, Dan Dan said the reason: several girls in the class always mocked her Mandarin, and deliberately removed the items on her table...
Before Dan Dan could finish speaking, her mother asked, "Have you offended them?" Dan Dan said urgently, "No! Mom still said doubtfully, "Otherwise, why do they always look for you?" ”
Dan Dan stopped talking.
Back at school, Dan Dan tried to ignore them, but these girls continued to bully themselves, they spread the rumor that "Dan Dan does not bathe", who makes friends with Dan Dan they isolate whoever...
Dan Dan didn't know what to do now.
If the child is "socially bullied" like Dan Dan in the case, how can we help the child?
You may be the first to think of "intervening" to fight for the child, but when things are not serious, this is not the optimal solution.
The book "How to Cultivate Children's Social Quotient" says that blind intervention by parents not only fails to solve the problem, but also does not let children learn how to deal effectively with bullying.
Reject social bullying:
Find your sense of strength
To allow children to respond effectively to bullying, the most important thing is to help the bullied child regain a sense of strength, while weakening the bully's strength.
Those children who bully others are actually testing the bottom line of others and showing their strength in temptation.
If the child is bullied, he also shows timidity and forbearance, but it will promote bullying; only if the child has the courage and strength, the other party may stop bullying.
That is to say, we must first pass on a belief to the child, that is, to clarify their bottom line and tell the other party: "I am also not humble and powerful, not to be bullied by you." ”
How do we make our children "not humble"?
Reasoning alone is useless, it has to be practiced. How to "practice"? We can teach our children to do it at home.
You can use the "role-playing" approach:
You and the child, one person plays the "bully" and the other person plays the "bullied person", first let the child learn to soothe his emotions, and then practice some language and actions to fight back.
The following few words can effectively soothe the child's emotions, we can usually practice talking to the child more about these words, see which sentence can bring strength to the child, let it become the "soothing language" of the child's emotions.
"Maintain a sense of humor."
"Never let them see me sweating."
"I can handle this, no problem!"
"Just let them!"
According to the child's usual personality and preferences, you can also find more sentences that can help the child calm his emotions for practice.
When the child's emotions calm down, they can calmly fight back against "social bullying".
One way to deal with social bullying:
Why do these simple words have a miraculous effect?
How do you fight back? This is not to let the child laugh and bully others in turn, but to let the child learn some language of counterattack.
You can let your child see the humorous side of bullying and respond, which in turn makes the bully feel that the bullying behavior is stupid.
Suppose your child's stationery box is thrown on the ground again, and you can have your child practice responding this way, saying in a sarcastic tone:
"Wow, you scared me to death!"
"This trick is too old-fashioned!"
"Is that all you can do?"
"Can you be a little creative?"
Such a response can weaken the bully's power and make him find that bullying does not make people sad or angry.
Of course, you can also work with your child to find a response that is more suitable for you. These responses do not need to be humorous, just admitting the facts and saying the facts can play a good role in countering.
For ease of understanding, let's take a few more examples:
Children are always ridiculed by some children because Mandarin is not standard, you can remind children that no one is perfect, I can practice speaking Mandarin well. You can ask your child to respond to the ridicule of others by saying, "You're right, my Mandarin is not good, I'll learn it later." ”
If a child says that a child always kicks his chair, you teach the child not to criticize the other person, but to say the truth, "You are kicking my chair", give the other party a step down, and let him stop this behavior.
Of course, you can also teach your child to say "yes," "whatever," "well said," "yes, yes," and "really?" "So what?" Words like that, fighting back against bullies, these seemingly simple words, will have an unexpected effect.
In a talk about "verbal bullying," the speaker invited a girl to the stage, played the role of "bully", played the role of "bullied" herself, and explained that she could end the conversation in 5 minutes.
The speaker asks the girl to constantly "attack" herself with all kinds of malicious language, such as "You are the stupidest person I have ever met, not one of them", "Your speech is so bad"...
The girl's words were harsh, and every time she said a word, the speaker looked at him calmly and responded, "And then?" "Oh, that's right." "You're right." "It's a pleasure to talk to you" and so on.
A magical scene occurred, the girl was originally "aggressive", but then the voice became quieter and quieter, until the words were exhausted, and she could not say a word.
The speaker did end this "verbal bullying" in less than five minutes.
What does this story illustrate? Sometimes, a simple response that seems bland and emotionless may be the "weapon" that can most weaken the "bully".
Method 2 of coping with social bullying:
Deal with bullies with "ugly faces"
Not all children are good at fighting back or verbally expressing themselves.
Then, for children who are not good at words or do not like to fight back with words, we can also teach him a "silent victory over sound" method in role play, that is, to give the bully an "ugly face".
You can practice how to make an "ugly face" with your child in front of the mirror, for example, you first demonstrate to the child a serious look, frown up, mouth up, stare at the eyes, and then let the child do it for himself, repeated practice the child can grasp the essentials.
"Ugly face" can be as powerful as language, and the key is to find the posture that best expresses the child's confidence.
Finally, no matter which way we teach our children to "fight back", we must remind our children that after responding to bullying, we must immediately walk away and do not give the other party any chance to bully again.
To detect that your child is being socially bullied:
Be sure to pay attention to these five signals
As parents, many times we simply do not know that the child is being bullied, or the child himself does not realize that this is a very serious situation, so what can we do at this time?
This requires us to be careful in our daily lives and pay attention to these "signals" of bullying:
First, the child's academic performance has dropped significantly, and he often proposes to you that he is "unwilling to go to school";
Second, the child complains many times about physical discomfort, such as headaches, stomach pains, stomach pains and so on;
Third, children's stationery, books and other personal belongings are often damaged;
Fourth, the number of emotional outbreaks in children at home has increased, such as tantrums and crying for no reason;
Fifth, children have fewer social activities outside of class and on weekends, and fewer friends to play with.
When you find that your child has these signals, it is likely that he is experiencing social bullying, you must be alert, find an opportunity to confirm with your child whether he has encountered "social bullying".
You can choose a relaxing time, such as before going to bed or when you go out for a walk, and talk to your child about "social bullying".
You can ask your child, "Looks like you didn't have a good time at school today, is there anything that makes you unhappy?" If the child doesn't want to say it, you respond patiently to him: "If you want to say it whenever you want to, let me know." ”
If your child communicates with you, listen carefully, understand the whole thing, and don't rush to come up with a solution. If necessary, you can check with the teacher about the situation.
Such a chat can not only let you understand the child's situation, but also pass on a message to the child, that is, mom and dad love me and pay attention to me, which will make the child feel safe enough and will also become a force for the child to face social bullying.
"Social bullying" is actually just one of the many social problems of children, in order to fully improve the social skills of children, as parents, we need to do more. Like what:
Help your child to join your partner smoothly;
Let children learn to communicate smoothly;
Read the "unspoken meaning" of the small partner and receive the "social signal";
Skillfully resolve conflicts, control anger, and more.
Does your child need your help to improve "sociality"?
Let's start with a small test:
“
Quiz: Is your child's "social quotient" qualified?
1. Can children see the role they play in relationships?
2. Can children take responsibility for mistakes they make in their social life?
3. Can children think differently?
4. Can children come up with multiple solutions to social problems?
5. Can children follow a well-thought-out action plan to address social issues?
6. Can the child foresee how others will react to him?
7. Can children think of the short- and long-term consequences of their actions?
8. Can children speak their minds with an open mind?
9. Can a child set a goal for himself or herself and work on it step by step?
If all of the above questions are answered in the affirmative, then congratulations, your child is already a social master, and you can let go and let him explore in interpersonal interactions.
And if some of the answers above are no, you don't have to worry, in fact, most children's social skills are not innate, they need to be trained to improve, and the method you need is in the book "How to Cultivate Your Child's Social Quotient".
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