01
Lang Ping shared a story on a variety show. One of her sentences is very touching.
She has a friend who has been very disciplined with children since she was a child. The child made some new friends, and the friend said, "Don't play with these children, they are children who don't study well." ”
When the child becomes an adult, the circle of life is pitifully small, and there is not a single friend. During the holidays, I hid at home to play games, especially at home, and finally did not even go to college. The friend was anxious at this time and said to the child: "I can't raise you old, you have to go out and find a job." The child said, "I'm not going to work." ”
Because they have not had fun with their peers since childhood, children do not know how to deal with people, are afraid of contacting people, and have social fears.
Lang Ping felt particularly sorry. "Actually, this is a very smart child, and now it is ruined."
This incident also gave Lang Ping a wake-up call: how children make friends, parents should not do too much interference.
"As long as the children are not out of line, let them play."
While it's important to learn well, accumulating social experience is also part of your child's development. As Lang Ping said in the program, in the process of child socialization, it is very dangerous for parents to interfere excessively in their children's social interaction.
02
Who to be friends with, carefully chosen by parents, how to communicate, parents sentence by sentence... It seems thoughtful, but in fact it is extremely thoughtful.
A netizen once confided in this:
When I was a child, I had a conflict with my classmates, got angry and cried, and went back to tell the adults.
The adult said, "That kid is just naughty, next time you don't play with him." ”
There was a girl in the class, dyed yellow hair, which I thought was very novel.
The adult said, "Good boy who dyes his hair?" You play less with her. ”
At the same table is a little girl who loves beauty, likes to look in the mirror, tie various hairstyles, and wear clothes in a mixed way.
The adult said, "Her mind is on dressing up, not studying, don't play with her." ”
Like "how is so-and-so bad, you don't play with her" such advice, I have listened to too much from childhood to adulthood.
Now I often feel lonely, there are only a few close friends, and it will take a long time to adapt to the new environment.
I crave to have a lot of friends, but every time I meet a friend, I quickly find out in her the "how bad" place.
As the saying goes: "When the water is clear, there is no fish, and when people are aware, there is no vain." ”
I understand this too, but in practice I often involuntarily enter a social dead end.
Looking back now, it is because of the lack of running-in, communication, confrontation, negotiation, and compromise with peers when I was a child, and the lack of a less real social attitude of "fighting for a while and reconciling for a while" between children, that I formed a serious stereotype of making friends.
Wei Kunlin, a professor at the School of Psychology and Cognitive Science at Peking University, pointed out that the child's circle of friends should be formed naturally, and parents should let them naturally screen.
You know, children never care what kind of family their friends are from, and it is good to be able to play together.
Let the child make friends in his own comfortable way, so that he can accumulate a wealth of social experience in the natural screening and deal with interpersonal relationships freely.
Don't worry about bad, uncomfortable friendships, children will also stay away on their own.
03
Children are destined to go out and into a wider world. What parents can do is trust and support.
It is true that when the child is very young, you need to use games or reading to warm up some basic rules of socialization for the child in advance, but when the real child is interacting with his peers, most of them do not need our guidance.
The older the child, the less needed it is.
We can recall our own experiences of peer interactions as children. At that time, we were mostly on our way to and from school, and the children would naturally accompany each other.
Once the parents interfere (guide) too much, it is likely to lead to the child's spontaneity weakening or even disappearing. Just like the children of Lang Ping's friends, they eventually became reluctant to come out of the house.
But not interfering too much doesn't mean letting your child's social behavior go unchecked.
What can we do as parents?
Maintain the necessary attention to the child's social and emotional state;
Ensure a good parent-child relationship with your child and a good frequency of communication;
Leave room for children, no space for parents, and room for making your own decisions.
Try to let go of those unwarranted worries. If you are calm and calm with your children, then your children will not be helpless in social life.
If you provide a loving and democratic environment in the process of accompanying your child, then your child will know self-respect and self-love in the process of socialization, and will not be easily led astray by others.
Let go in moderation and give your child room to trust. In this space, you have a basic rule to ensure that the child is safe in behavior, which is enough. As the Russian writer Turgenev said: Even for the sick, it is easier to get together than to be alone.
Don't let your child live as an island.
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