The readers of Mom's Psychology are mainly parents, but at the same time, many confused children will pay attention to us and occasionally chat with us about their troubles.
The letter we received today comes from a girl who has been following us for a long time, who is in her twenties and is now a medical doctor at a shiny 985 school.
In the eyes of most parents, such a child who has grown up with good character and excellent learning will have a happy and bright future, but in this girl's letter, it is full of pain and sadness.
What did she go through?
01.
Literally, I am a 26-year-old female PhD student.
I've been following you for a long time, and I guess many of your readers are parents of children who are not learning well or are in a rebellious period, and children like me who are 985 students and are studying medicine may be the future they want their children to have.
But I'm not really happy.
When I was young, my parents worked outside, and in my childhood memories, there were only grandparents who grew up with me, and there was no concept of parents at all.
It wasn't until I was almost six years old that I had a clear impression of my mother, and although they would come back during the New Year's Festival, they always came and went in a hurry, and they couldn't leave any deep memories for me when I was still young.
However, my mother came back this time, took my young brother to the city where she worked, and still left me in the countryside, until I was in the third year of junior high school, and I was brought to the city at the request of my grandparents.
At first, I was full of hope and excitement, not because I could finally go to the big city to live, but because I could finally live with my parents and father.
However, when I really got here, I found that the days I lived with my parents were not the same as I imagined.
Mom and dad work in the city, the pace of life is very fast, the pressure is also very large, which makes her temper is very grumpy, and I became her "punching bag", when I came home from work, I would be pulled over at every turn to punish me for standing on the wall, and sometimes I would slap me twice when I was angry.
Mom said that it was the grandparents in the countryside who spoiled me.
Mom added that if it weren't for me, they wouldn't owe so many loans to buy a house in the city.
Even when I was in a good mood, my mother would pat me on the shoulder and tell me that my parents had sacrificed so much for you, and you could only repay my parents if you studied hard.
In fact, compared to me, my brother is more naughty and naughty, my academic performance is not as good as mine, and my mother will scold my brother for studying, but I can feel a clear difference from my mother's attitude towards him and me.
Also being educated by my mother, my brother can exchange the method of begging for forgiveness for my mother's "letting go", but I dare not try to do so.
At the beginning, I would comfort myself, maybe it was because my brother lived with his parents longer, and his parents would have a higher tolerance for him... But subconsciously I already felt that I was the child who was not liked by my mother.
Realizing this made me very miserable, this home that I really wanted to have, became a cage, I wanted to go back to my grandparents, but my mother resolutely refused.
So after I went to high school, I chose to live on campus myself and try not to go home. Fortunately, I met a class teacher who was very good to me, who not only cared about my studies, but also provided psychological counseling and reassurance to me in a timely manner, encouraging me to study well to master my life.
I used my studies to numb myself while encouraging myself, and this "escape" was effective, allowing me to survive the entire high school stage and get into college far away.
However, the nightmare is not over, when I was in college, my mother would always call me to tell me that there was no way out for my brother's bad grades, and that as an older sister, I wanted to find a good way out for my brother, not to add chaos to the family, and to find a good job to help my brother.
And when I went to graduate school, my mother even thought that I needed to spend money and wanted me to give up graduate school and earn money early to support my family.
Such words made me even more desperate and sad, why obviously I have tried my best to be excellent, but my mother is not willing to love me, such questions repeatedly torment me.
Even now, I still haven't had any positive improvement in my relationship with my mother, I rarely go home, and even if I have a New Year's holiday, I will find an excuse not to go back.
Whenever I received a call from my mother, I felt resistant or even panicked, unable to relax in front of her.
I am already an adult, I have an enviable record, and I have the ability to support myself independently, but why do I still have such a heavy sense of frustration?
How can I redeem myself?
02.
The experience written by this girl in the letter cannot but be painful.
You know, behind every child who looks "bad", there is actually a wounded heart hidden, they are calling their parents in various awkward ways, hoping to get attention from their parents.
Just like the mother of this child, she does not appear in the most important childhood stage of the child's growth, and in the stage of the child's adolescence, she uses violence, abuse, and constantly hurts the child and suppresses the child's needs.
In such a state, the child's psychological state is difficult to grow naturally, not only because of the lack of childhood care, but also because of the disguised suppression of adolescence.
You know, a child's growth is staged.
0-6 years old is a child's initial birth and exploration stage, and from the age of 6, it officially enters the important stage of developing personality and personality, and the child begins to establish independent consciousness and personality.
At this stage, the growth of the child's inner world needs to be guided by parents so that it will not enter a sub-healthy state because of weakness and dazedness.
However, the girl is missing the company from her parents at this stage, and although her grandparents have given her love and care, in the final analysis, the love from others and the meaning of parents to children are completely different and irreplaceable.
Even after living together, the child's mother does not realize her lack of love for the child's childhood, but uses a rough and simple way to push the child farther.
It can be seen that the daughter is constantly compromising, trying to win the favor of her parents by studying well and becoming well-behaved. But truly healthy love does not require repeated flattery and struggle to attain it.
Puberty is the most sensitive stage of children's emotions, but also the key period of children's personality growth, in this stage, the tone of parents' speech, on the child's emotional intelligence, temperament, and future character formation have a very strong impact.
We can see from the description of this girl that even in the later stage of being sufficiently independent, the child is still dissatisfied with himself, and even has a tendency to flatter personality.
Realizing that she was not loved did not make her blame others, but more intensely reflected and disgusted herself, because she never got satisfied in the love she hoped for.
03.
As adults, as parents, we actually lack attention to the perspective of children, which will make us and children confused when they disagree, and do not understand why adolescent children suddenly change their appearance.
But like the girl who sent the letter, the negative emotions of each child do not come out of nowhere.
It may be a moment of collapse and anger only for a moment, but where you don't notice, the child may have experienced repeated injuries.
Although this girl did not get the love of her parents, the care of her grandparents in childhood and the support of her teachers at the high school level provided her with strength and support, so that she could pursue her studies and improve herself.
But even so, she still has a lack of character, and this trauma from childhood is very difficult to heal.
Not every child has such extreme parents, but not every child who experiences trauma has the opportunity to encounter such a "survivor bias"
Every parent undoubtedly has love for his children, but as the children grow, our love for the children will be attached to various conditions.
Think back to when I was a child, every word that came out of my child's teeth and teeth could be exchanged for our encouragement and appreciation.
On the contrary, after getting older, even if the child improves in the exam and learns some fresh skills, it cannot be exchanged for our satisfaction.
When parents add various standards to the expression of love, they will pass on a concept to their children: I have a threshold for my love for you, and if you want to do XX, I will love you.
Such a concept will give the child an extreme sense of insecurity, either the child will continue to change himself in order to meet the requirements of the parents, forming a flattering personality, or in order to break free from this logical cycle and become a "problem child" in the eyes of the parents.
We can have requirements for children, but let children realize that our love for children is unconditional love, and it will not change because he is good or bad in learning, success or failure.
Only children who are satisfied in love and need to be seen can grow up confidently and healthily and bravely face the unknown world.
I hope that every child can get unconditional love, and I hope that every parent can love their children unconditionally.
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