Article transferred from | Read at ten o'clock
Author | Oops Mom
Broadcast | Wu Bingjie
Visual design | Fan Wei
Column host | Du Runnan
A few days ago, I went to a friend's house, and before I could enter the door, I ran into my friend's daughter rushing out of the house with a full face of anger.
Seeing me slightly stunned, my friend was both embarrassed and helpless:
"You said that my daughter is getting more and more angry." Every time she was asked to learn something and do something, she would go against the grain and always say 'no'.
Just want her to be okay don't go out all the time, don't listen to how to say it, and die!
You know how well-behaved she used to be when she was a kid, and now... I'm really afraid that she will become more intense, and no one will be able to manage her in the future. ”
In the tone of the friend, a deep sense of anxiety was revealed.
In the face of her daughter's willfulness and rebellion, she is helpless, but she wants to do something to change.
Her mood, as anyone who has been a parent knows, was once me, and I was also caught in this anxiety.
However, the truth is that in the process of growing up, "rebellion" is a perfectly normal thing.
Children reject their parents and like to put "no" on their lips, and the most important thing for parents to do is not to transform him, but to guide and educate correctly.
Some time ago, a mother in Zhejiang took her 10-year-old son home.
On the way, I heard my son complaining that he didn't want to continue his interest class.
When she listened, it was difficult for her to understand for a moment, and she thought that she had spent so much time cultivating her son, how to say it would not be good.
No matter what her son said, she didn't agree.
Mother and son quarreled like this.
Seeing that her son did not listen to what she said, the mother was angry, so she threw her son out of the car and drove away on her own.
After a few minutes, realizing that she had misbehaved, she turned around and returned to the spot to find her son.
Unexpectedly, my son was gone.
Afraid of her son's accident, she quickly called the police in a panic.
Fortunately, with the help of the auxiliary police, mother and son were finally reunited.
When I saw this news, many netizens sighed.
Unexpectedly, just one of the child's "disobedience", the mother made such a big fire, almost caused a big mistake.
Is it so terrible and serious that children are willful and do not listen to their parents?
In fact, in developmental psychology, children know how to say "no", which is a normal phenomenon.
This means that the child's sense of self is awakening.
As children age, children slowly realize that they are different from others and are independent individuals.
I have what I want to do, I have the direction of desire to walk, I am no longer ignorant, and what my parents say is what it is.
Once his parents' requirements for him offended his feelings, he would not hesitate to declare loudly in his heart, "This is my business, don't meddle."
He likes to say "no", but subjectively desires to be independent of his parents and decide for himself. So, in the face of the new way children like to say "no", parents should be happy about it, not worried or panicked.
To be honest, the hardest thing in education is not to know how to give the best to the child, but how to respond to the child in the right way when he is not performing as expected.
There is a scene in the hit drama "Opponent":
Duan Yingjiu, the mother, found that her son was being bullied and wanted to use the experience of the people who came over to tell her son not to instigate when necessary, but to know how to resist.
As soon as he said a few words, his son was annoyed and began to talk back.
Seeing that her son's tone was so impulsive, the fire in her heart was quickly ignited, and she unceremoniously shelled her son.
Mother and son, you say one sentence to me, no one will let anyone.
How many parents think that the child is disobedient, that he is stronger, that he is stronger, that his authority is enough to suppress his flames.
However, this practice of forcing children to obey will only lead to greater dissatisfaction and resistance from children.
Psychologist Mona Shure once reminded parents:
"If the parent's discipline is to scold and command, it is easy for the child to show aggression psychologically and verbally."
It is not that the child deliberately wants to confront his parents, many times, it is precisely that he obviously does not want to, but the parents blindly ignore his feelings and wishes, and solve the problem through suppression.
In the eyes of children, the disrespect and incomprehension of parents is the rejection and denial of themselves.
In order to achieve inner balance, he either wronged himself and said nothing, or like a hedgehog, he stabbed at anyone he saw.
Children are rebellious and like to say "no", which is never a problem.
On the contrary, it is the parents' behavior of hurting their children, which brings immeasurable negative effects to the children and seriously destroys the sense of intimacy between them and the children.
In one show, Sha Yi and Xie Nan talked about the changes after becoming parents, talking about a state: showing weakness.
Originally impatient, he could not see the "disagreement" with his son.
Whenever his son has his own opinions and expressions, or conflicts occur, he is prone to erupt emotions and be anxious with his son.
But years of parenting experience, little by little, changed his state and state of mind.
As he said: "Two children can change the personality of a father." ”
All this seemed to him to be the only way to become a father.
For him, he prefers to grow up with his son and make him better and better.
Professor Li Meijin also said in "Today's Statement":
Smart parents should learn to show weakness when their children start to say "no", which is a kind of respect.
As long as what the parents say is respectful enough for the child and makes sense, the child will take it seriously even if he does not agree on the surface.
However, it should be noted that the so-called "showing weakness" is not to let the child do whatever he wants.
Parents should continue to let go and give control of life to their children, but they must also be good, help their children avoid risks, and guide their children to make choices under the right circumstances. Forward-thinking parents, gradually withdrawing from the C position of their children's lives, appropriately serving soft and showing weakness, can win the trust and respect of their children.
I like this passage:
"No one is born to be a parent, everyone needs to learn, needs to reduce themselves to a seed, and grow back into themselves."
Let go of authority and treat children as equals; let go of perfection and be true to yourself.
In fact, in the process of raising children, parents must also continue to prune the branches and leaves of their own lives, and finally complete their lives and achieve common growth with their children. ”
Author | Oh mom (willing to use her heart and pen to open the children's spiritual world)
Responsible Editor | Zhao Li