Science does "psychologically strong" with 5 misconceptions and 7 tips

The other day, we received a message. The messager said: "I have arrived in a new city far from home, and I am still far away from my girlfriend. It's a lot of pressure to work overtime every day, but I don't tell them about the thought of upsetting my family and girlfriend. Now I will report good news and not bad news, that is, the so-called maturity... But it's particularly hard, it's irritable, and I can't help but complain on the phone. I don't think I'm strong enough. KY told me, how can I get stronger? ”

Like the commenters, many people think that mentally strong people don't want to talk about their negative feelings, or even not have too many negative emotions. They have a mentality towards others and themselves, "I see that you are really arrogant", and feel that they are not strong enough inside.

But is this true? Is having negative emotions a pretense? Is not complaining strong?

Today we will talk about 5 misconceptions about being strong and 7 tips that can help us become mentally strong.

Many people will say that they want to be stronger, but people often have misconceptions about being strong, such as thinking that to be strong is to become more indifferent. Here are some myths about strength (Morin, 2016):

Myth #1: Thinking "strong" is innate.

Clarification: Some people think that being strong is an innate quality and can't be changed: how strong you are at birth, how strong you are later. Everyone can develop on an emotional, behavioral, and cognitive level to make themselves stronger. Just getting stronger is like changing bad habits, it takes constant practice and continuous effort.

Myth 2: Think "strong" = "can control everything"

Clarification: It is impossible to control everything, and even if you plan carefully and have more resources, there will still be uncontrolled things. Strong people can't "control everything", they just can pay more attention and focus on what they can control, and let go of what they can't control.

Myth 3: Thinking that being "strong" = becoming aggressive and bossy

Clarification: Strong people focus on personal boundaries, so they stick to their principles and opinions. At times they seem a little impersonal because they stick to their boundaries and don't compromise with others. But a principled approach can be moderate and does not imply a condescending attitude or an aggressive approach.

Myth 4: Thinking "strong" = not having any negative emotions in the face of adversity

Clarification: In the face of difficulties, everyone will have an emotional reaction to a greater or lesser extent. Strong people do not mean that they will not experience negative emotions such as disappointment, wandering, anxiety, etc., nor does it mean that they will face less adversity than others, but they can eventually face emotions and properly regulate and manage emotions.

Myth #5: Thinking "strong" = not expressing vulnerability

Clarification: Many people think that being strong means not expressing vulnerability to anyone is because expressing vulnerability is equated with cowardice. But on the contrary, expressing vulnerability is a sign of responsibility, which represents people facing up to the current problems that are causing them, rather than escaping or covering them up. In addition, expressing vulnerability can also help people become stronger, and we will talk about this topic in a later article.

Since being strong does not mean controlling everything, nor does it mean being strong and emotionless, what is strong? Strength refers to the ability to recover after facing the blows that will always occur in life, that is, "resilience" or "resilience".

Psychologists define mental resilience as an individual's ability to adapt well to stress and adversity. After experiencing the same dilemma, people with less mental resilience are prone to collapse and live a bad life, while people with higher psychological resilience can succeed.

Just because you want to be mentally resilient and strong doesn't mean you have to get tougher. On the contrary, softness and strength coexist in human nature, and the truly strong person must have the soft side of ta, and those who are the softest in the relationship may also be the strongest.

Here are some suggestions that seem to soften, but can actually improve our mental resilience:

Tip 1.Try to express vulnerability while pre-setting the boundaries of the conversation and envisioning the possible consequences of vulnerability.

Many people are afraid to express vulnerability, for fear of being ridiculed for letting others know something that they don't think is "good" enough.

But exposing vulnerability allows us to better regulate negative emotions and reduce obstacles to problem solving. If a person does not express vulnerability for a long time, it may only be repressed, but the repressed vulnerability does not disappear completely, it may be transformed into other emotional manifestations, such as anger, which will cause more conflict.

If you're really worried about the effects of expressing vulnerability, be prepared to start with small exposures, such as telling the other person about a small mistake you've made, testing the other person's reaction, and adjusting your exposure as the other person reacts. When you're starting a difficult conversation, set boundaries beforehand: for example, you can make it clear that you want the other person to just listen and not respond immediately; or you can suggest you on what you need.

(In fact, "vulnerability" in interpersonal relationships is a necessary existence, click here to see why "living itself is a vulnerability" | why we should actively choose vulnerability?) ）

Tip 2. Don't let vulnerability turn catharsis, and don't pin your hopes entirely on the other person.

Note that vulnerability does not equal venting. When you want to state your facts and emotions, try to express them in a calm, authentic way; if you do need to vent, please explain beforehand that "I really need to vent my emotions now." Ultimately, we are able to express and respond well to the premise of vulnerability, and it is we ourselves who become more powerful. Therefore, you can hope for others, but don't use them as a lifesaver or as the only motivation for change. Ultimately, others can only respond, support, and advise you, but change still requires your own efforts.

Tip 3.Acknowledge and try to communicate your fears about vulnerability itself.

Sometimes, expressing vulnerability can start by telling the other person how afraid you are. After you are ready, try to choose the object to practice and try. You can choose friends and family members you trust, such as those who usually listen to you and are not so sympathetic to your ideas, but still respond to you gently.

In fact, a person who remains vulnerable is often more popular, because they tend to be more relaxed, more accommodating between people, and more complete and real. Others also feel less pressure in front of exposing vulnerable people, and perhaps unexpected support and help.

Tip 4. Strengthen your sense of self-worth.

When you fully accept yourself and affirm your worth, you will no longer be afraid, and you will be able to freely acknowledge past experiences or emotional ups and downs without considering them embarrassing. You can also be confident enough to believe that even if you show vulnerability to others without getting a response, you can still accept and bear the consequences as an independent individual.

Tip 5 Try to look at yourself and others more holistically, rather than judging one by "how one behaves in a particular situation."

For example, usually you are very patient with your friends, but today you encounter a lot of unfortunate things, very irritable, so you are very mean to your friends. But this does not mean that you are a mean person, it only means that you are "mean when you are in a bad mood, but you are still a gentle person overall." After learning to evaluate holistically, we will not be overly anxious because of our temporary, intermittent negative state.

Tip 6.Try to look at "shortcomings" in a new light.

Make a list of traits or performances you don't like and try to find their strengths. Keep in mind that as the situation changes, some "problems" may no longer be problems, but rather merits. For example, if you don't like being "too detail-oriented," you might try doing a part-time job as a proofreader. Sometimes finding the right situation is more important than changing in vain.

Tip 7. Usually, we can contact more people who are not the same as ourselves.

For example, talk to friends and family members who are different from their own concepts, listen to voices that are different from their own, and observe a different life from themselves. Gradually you will realize that differences and disagreements do exist, and that being "different from me" does not mean that opinions and people are necessarily ugly or wrong. Ultimately, this will help you accept a side of yourself that you may not have been acknowledged before.

From today onwards, I want to tell those who feel that negative emotions are pretentious, be strong enough to dare to cry out in front of people!

Interaction Today: Have you had any recent "flirtatious" moments of vulnerability? Try to express it to us