The full text is 2435 words
Estimated reading time is 7 minutes
Peer relationships are one of the most valued relationships in a child's development, and it directly affects the child's happiness during growth.
Psychologist Piaget once said:
Children's "childhood has two worlds", one is the world of parents and children interacting, and the other is the world of peers.
Peer groups play an equally or even more important role in a child's development as parents.
In the book "The Myth of Parenting", the author also pointed out that in the process of children's growth, the influence of parents is not as great as everyone thinks, and the influence of children's peer groups outside the family is underestimated.
And as the child grows older, the social circle he is in has gradually increased his influence on him.
In the world of children, who likes to play with, who does not like to play with, who is the best friend... These childish things in the eyes of parents are very important to their children.
Children's friendships are not always innocent and romantic, but also hide jealousy, isolation, exclusion and bullying...
Children's dating situation is a problem that parents tend to ignore in the process of children's growth, and we need to pay attention to and guide them reasonably at any time.
Among them, the most worrying thing for parents is that the child cannot make friends, and the other is that the child makes "bad" friends.
Parents can create opportunities for their children to make friends without making friends, but for the latter, parents are often helpless.
Today's article, we will talk to you about how to face the "bad friends" in the growth of children.
01
Every child may encounter "bad" friends on the way to growth
Once received a call for help from a mother:
Some time ago, I bought my daughter the hairpin she had in mind, but I couldn't find it today, and when I asked, my daughter said that she had borrowed it from a friend in the community.
This is not the first time that the daughter has lent something to the other party, and it is often "borrowed or not returned".
The mother asked her daughter, "Don't you particularly like this hairpin?" How can you still be willing to lend her? ”
The daughter said, "If I don't borrow her, she won't play with me." ”
The mother was very distressed to hear that she intended to reduce the chances of getting along with the two children, and she also thought of ways to take the child to meet other new friends and expand the child's circle of friends.
This mother's troubles have been experienced by many parents.
In the growth of children, it is inevitable to meet some children who are not so "well-behaved", and the nature of these children is not morally "bad", but the behavior habits are not good, as parents, we can't help but worry that children will be hurt in such friendships or learn "bad".
For example, children who never speak dirty words will inadvertently learn to speak dirty words after meeting new friends; children who usually obey the rules will also follow other children to bully others.
Adults often do not understand why children like to play with such "bad" friends, and even many children will behave very "humble", just like the little girl above who gave her beloved hairpin to others, she chose to suppress herself and cater to each other.
In fact, this is all because the child is too afraid of not having friends, the child is far more afraid of loneliness than we think, and cares more about what peers think of themselves.
In order to integrate into the circle of friends, they often make some involuntary decisions, even if this thing is wrong and they are not willing to do it, which is what we often call "peer pressure".
After the age of 3, the child's social consciousness begins to awaken, and slowly enters a sensitive period of interpersonal communication; after primary school, the child will be more eager for the acceptance of his peers; and when it comes to adolescence, the influence of peers on the child will even exceed that of the parents.
Throughout the child's formative years, what kind of partner he encounters is uncertain, and what kind of friends he is willing to play with also has his or her own criteria for judging.
Meeting "bad friends" is something that is difficult to avoid.
02
When a child meets a "bad" friend, should the parents interfere?
There is an ancient Chinese saying: near Zhu is red, near ink is black.
When adults are dissatisfied with their children's dating partners, they will often try to discourage them.
Some parents, when making friends with their children, especially emphasize:
"You don't want to mess with the "tail of the crane" in the class every day, you play with the top few more!" ”
I've even heard some parents say to their children:
"You play with children of our family who are about the same size!"
When children make friends, parents are somewhat realistic and utilitarian, but children do not consider these at all, and will not look at the appearance, achievements, and family situation of their peers, which is where the child's innocence lies.
When choosing friends for children, we must not take a single standard to select friends for children, destroy the child's innocence, and teach him a diversified view of friendship in order to better cultivate children's ability to distinguish.
Therefore, when children encounter "bad friends" when making friends, we do not recommend that parents directly and rudely make decisions for their children to prevent them from interacting.
After all, it is the child's right to choose who to be friends with.
Even if the other party is a child with many "bad habits", parents need to let the child realize that the "friendship" he values hides many problems.
First, understand why the child is friends with him, communicate with the child from the child's point of view, see the child's social difficulties, and "prescribe the right medicine".
Second, don't rush to criticize the child's "bad friends" and guide the child to find the problem on his own, you can ask like this:
He always orders you to do this, do you feel comfortable?
He always doesn't say hello to take things away, do you really feel happy?
(Kids and friends bullying others) How do you feel if you're the one being bullied?
Don't underestimate your child's ability to discern right from wrong, and when he perceives a problem, he will choose to change.
In the whole process, parents should try to calm down, because for children, friends are friends, if we simply say "friends are not", it will cause children to resent.
Third, talk to your child about your worries and how to change. You can talk to your child about your friends, let the child understand what a normal friend should be like; and then reveal your worries about the child, listen to the child's thoughts, many children will take the initiative to propose a solution to the problem at this step.
03
The key to preventing children from making bad friends,
It is from an early age that children know: what is a normal friend
The reason why children make "bad friends" is nothing more than two points: one is that children are afraid of loneliness and are afraid of being isolated, and the other is that children do not know what a healthy friendship is like.
To avoid children being affected by "bad friends", instead of strictly controlling children's friends, it is better to teach children the ability to distinguish between good and bad friends.
Parents can talk to their children about it before they enter school life.
The focus is on the following points:
1. True friends will not force you to do anything you don't want to do;
2. Healthy friendship must promote each other to become better and happier together;
3. We can reject our friends, and we must also have the courage to be rejected by our friends
4. It is easier to make sincere friends by following the rules of the game
5. Learn to think in a different position, do not do to others what you do not want.
You may wish to use picture books and film and television works, many of the plots in picture books are portrayals of real life.
You can also play role-playing games with your children, telling children what kind of friends are worth associating with and what kind of behaviors are not worth emulating...
Let the child know that in a healthy friendship, friends are equal and progressive to each other, and if the other party always makes you sad, inferior, and uneasy, you must seriously consider whether this friendship is necessary to continue.
Children learn to discern, which is the key to harvesting sincere friendship.
Click "watching", I hope that children can harvest sincere friends and have a happy childhood.
END
Edit | No two
Illustration | In
Original articles, original illustrations
Please contact the authorization for reproduction
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.