Today, my mother from my hometown called me and told me about a tragic thing: the distant niece wanted to commit suicide by jumping into the river, and her boyfriend tried to save her and drowned... When I asked my mother why she couldn't think straight, the parents couldn't tell.
I feel sad from my heart, sad for two young lives, and I have more reflections on raising children: if children do not feel warmth and support, when they encounter difficulties, all they have left in their hearts is all thoughts and self-abandonment.
Although they have not seen each other for seven or eight years, the scene of the distant niece when she was a child often comes into view. Her parents worked outside the home and grew up with her grandmother, but when her grandmother wanted to farm and work, she let her play alone. Whenever she was tired of playing with the children in the village and looking for her family, the old man always said: "You will not play first, I did not see that I was busy, where will I have time to play with you?" ”
My niece was playing alone in the corner, and every time I came home, I would see her alone, and the adults thought the child was so well-behaved!
As everyone knows, when children's emotional needs are not met and responded to, they have hidden or suppressed their inner needs, thus going to two extremes, or very well-behaved, becoming an old good person, heavy otaku and otaku, and dare not make their voices heard. Or become a grumpy person who can't stand the temporary unfulfilled desires and will hysterically take them.
Teacher Li Xue said in the book "When I Meet a Person", why are some children very well-behaved when they are young, and when they grow up, they are easy to choose extreme ways to end their lives? It is because they do not receive a response from their caregivers during infancy, and when they accumulate great fear and anger, they have no energy to cope with external setbacks and difficulties.
Therefore, the positive response of parents is not only the source of their children's sense of security, but also the protective cover of their children's safety, so that they are not afraid of wind and rain and face difficulties.
Cliff Experiment: The mother's positive response is the cornerstone of a child's difficulties
I once watched the visual cliff experiment in the Korean program, and the program team let the baby and the mother on both sides of the visual cliff. Actually, the cliffs are not real, just visually, there are cliffs and volcanoes under the visible mirror. The first time, the baby climbed to the edge of the cliff and looked at the mother for help, but the mother did not respond, and the baby returned to the same place.
The second time, when the baby climbed to the edge of the visual cliff again and was in a dilemma, the mother responded to her with a smile and called the baby's name, and the baby did not hesitate to climb to the mother.
When the child faces difficulties and setbacks, the positive response of the mother will make the child feel caring and warm, actively adjust himself, come out of fear and fear, and bravely explore, so as to grow.
In the Winter Olympics, Gu Ailing was able to achieve a big reversal in the freestyle ski women's big jump final, challenge the world's most difficult moves, and successfully win the championship, because of the positive response given to her by her mother from childhood to adulthood, allowing her to bravely explore and develop herself in a persistent environment.
Therefore, loving children actively responds to children, so that they feel warm and supportive in our responses, so that they have the courage to try, rather than being trapped in the vortex of attention, losing self-judgment, and losing the protective cover of safety.
The positive response of parents is the confidence of children to ask for help
I remember seeing Jia Jingwen's daughter WuTongmei post on the Internet last year that she received threatening messages, and the other party claimed that she would send her RF photos to all her friends, saying that she was a slut and would ruin her life.
Fortunately, Wutong Sister asked for help from her mother for the first time, and then published the threat information to the public with Jia Jingwen, and also kindly reminded netizens: "I was threatened, what information did you receive, don't believe him, everyone pay attention to this person!" ”
I think that if Jia Jingwen had not filled the cup of love for Wutong Sister since she was a child, and actively responded to Wutong Sister when she had needs, Wutong Sister would not have actively asked for help from her mother when she had difficulties. It is her mother's positive response and help that makes her know that there are people behind her who support and trust, and she will seek support in difficult times.
In his book, Ballby says, "There is evidence from many sources that human beings, regardless of their age, are the happiest and happiest people who can reach their potential when they are convinced that one or more trustworthy people can stand behind them when difficulties come." The people we trust — what I call attachment objects — can provide us with a safe base. ”
The positive response of parents is the confidence of children to ask for help, so that they are not afraid of wind and rain.
So, from the moment we are born, we should respond positively to them, interacting with them, smiling, and hugging. Respond positively when they have needs; silently accompany them as they explore, giving smiles and encouragement. When they feel that their parents love them, they will dare to ask for help when they are wandering, rather than giving up on themselves.
Responding positively is not about meeting any of the child's needs, but about educating with love
Many people view the positive response of parents as meeting any of their children's needs, which is inappropriate. Responding positively to a child is not coddling, but unconditional love. Children can have any needs, we should fully meet in infancy, but after the child has self-awareness, we should accept the child's feelings, but limit some inappropriate behavior, with love to educate.
In infancy, we should give them a positive response: hungry feeding, sleepy coaxing, pulling diapers and not wetting, uncomfortable to find the cause... After children have self-awareness and rule awareness at the age of two or three, we should teach children social rules and boundaries, educate with love, and guide them to adapt to society.
Therefore, in infancy, we should meet any needs of the child, but after the child has self-awareness, we cannot let all the child's behavior go unchecked, because the child's behavior may hurt others or society. We can accept all the feelings of the child, but we must limit some of the child's misconduct, let them know that they are not the center of the world, and thus become the four young people.
Write at the end
The British psychologist Winnicott once said: "Everyone's self is like a ball of energy." When he extends his energy tentacles to various fields, if he can be picked up by the nurturer, he will respond positively. Then, it will evolve into positive, good positive energy, forming a steady stream of vitality. On the contrary, it will evolve into negative, bad negative energy, which will plunge the child into helplessness and despair. ”
Therefore, as parents, we should actively respond to the needs of our children, let them feel that they are supported and loved, so as to fill the cup of love, have the courage to explore and the courage to ask for help to develop themselves. In this way, in the process of growing up, even if they encounter setbacks and difficulties, they will know that home is warm, their parents will always support them, and they will not do stupid things to give up on themselves.
But what we should pay attention to is that responding positively to children is not to conform to the needs of children without principles, not to permit all the behaviors of children, but to guide them with love, so that they have love in their hearts, light in their eyes, and face the challenges and storms of life calmly.