Years of psychological counseling experience have found that the smarter and better the children, the more likely they are to have psychological problems, which is not regrettable. When Zihao first appeared in front of me, I felt strange at first glance, there was something wrong that could not be said, a closer look found that the eyebrows and eyelashes of his eyes were gone, Zihao told me, because he was enrolled in the star junior high school, from the primary school is always the first place in the class, to now although he is still the first place in the class, but there is no way to always be the first place in the school, as long as he does not get the first place, he began to pull out his eyelashes, and when he found that the eyelashes were pulled out, and the speed of growth was not as fast as the speed of pulling, He started pulling out his eyebrows, and by the time his family found out that something wasn't quite right about him, it was already what I saw...
Zihao's parents did not understand that they did not put any pressure on the child, why the child would be like this, the anxious parents after the introduction of friends, took Zihao to Professor Rong Xinqi's studio.
Generally parents always feel that the child is carefree, as long as the book is read well, they do not know that the child also has pressure, so where does the child's pressure come from? It can be said on two levels:
First, external pressure: such as learning pressure, such as good grades or homework completion degrees belong to this category; parent-child relationship pressure: communication with parents, relationships with parents and get along; interpersonal pressure, whether there are friends, grouping in school classes and whether there are people who play together after class; external environment, such as the pressure of new crown pneumonia all over the world... It's all a kind of external environmental pressure.
Second, the inherent pressure: that is, the characteristics of the child itself, such as some children are more sensitive, higher self-requirements are more likely to have pressure; if the child's emotional state is more stable, the more stressful the situation occurs; whether the child can express, some children have poor expression ability or are always suppressed by the parents every time they want to express, such as children complaining about homework with their parents, parents quickly teach their children to read is their duty, not only did not listen to the child's troubles but also said the whole truth to the child, It will also increase stress in your child.
How do parents deal with their children's stress, and how do they guide children and adolescents to adjust to stress? First of all, we must change the parents' thinking and the way they get along with the child, by giving the child enough security and love, naturally can help the child change the thinking mode of pressure, because everything will not have only one side, junior high school students will have the pressure of reading, further education, but as long as you change the way of thinking, the vision from the negative, stressful side to the resources, the advantage of the side, you can help the child to manage the pressure appropriately, at the same time, in this process, will also let the child understand the good pressure can help him grow. The first thing to do is to change the way parents think and get along with their children, specifically, through the following three points:
1. Have the mindset of being the right parent:
Parents must ask themselves whether my ideals in life need to be realized in children: children are not your appendages, from the moment he is born, he has his own life and value, your children are not yours, they are the children of "life", the desire of life itself. They are born through you, but not from you, and although they are with you, they do not belong to you. You can give them love, but don't give them your thoughts too, because they have their own minds.
The child is the arrow parent is the bow, and our task is to accompany the child and give them the ability to go where he wants to go. Many parents in the process of raising their children think that as long as love is enough, do not know that children to be able to grow a good boundary is also very important, the boundary is a kind of rules and respect, parents more rules of the establishment and observance; when the child enters the junior high school stage, parenting can be turned into more discussion and guidance, especially the parents of the lead is particularly important, some parents complain to me that the child's mobile phone addiction but they are not willing to put down the mobile phone; some parents complain that the child does not exercise but brushes the vibrato all day long. If you are a child, how can you want to obey such parental discipline?
2. Understand your child's development:
Children have developments and limitations at his age at every stage, and if parents know these developments and changes, they can stabilize themselves and lead their children through every difficult moment. For example, what is most needed in the infant stage is to build his sense of trust in the world by hugging and responding to his needs more, and at the same time establish a good attachment relationship; the most important development in the preschool stage is to establish his sense of order in the world through regular activities.
School-age children have good muscle coordination and balance, while the energy is very abundant, at this time the most need for parents to find his advantages, so that he can go forward on the road of diligence, otherwise the children at this time are easy to feel inferior, once inferior, they are not willing to try new things, they will be very afraid of failure; in adolescence, adolescents are prone to a large number of hormone secretion, in the emotional control performance is more clumsy, this stage of the child's brain and the body also has the same drastic changes, so many adults can not be overwhelmed. At the same time, because teenagers are eager to find self-positioning and identity, they sometimes want to show themselves by rebelling against authority, and they also care about their classmates. Therefore, many emotional changes, family conflicts and communication difficulties are common problems for teenagers.
3. Treatment of positive vision:
I often tell the parents who come to counseling about a concept, we must allow the child to make mistakes, because the younger the child makes mistakes, the more the parents can correct and protect, and when the mistake or failure is an important opportunity for the child to grow, through this "growth mentality", the child can not be afraid of making mistakes, and can accept their failures calmly, and the improvement is indeed jumping higher and going further.
When a child makes a mistake and fails or is stressed, parents should focus their attention from the "why" of review. "How did it happen"? Or even "How can you think that"? Knowing that you see the problem move to the problem-solving thinking of "how do you want things to work out" and "what can Mom and Dad do for you" will put your strength in the right place and have more energy to solve the problem or stress. At the same time, these questions also represent whether you see your child as a person who has the power to solve his own problems, or a strawberry family that relies on his father or mother for everything.
Of course, in the process of assisting children to deal with problems or pressures, it is necessary to guide the child without presupposing a position, that is, parents should not take it for granted that the child must be him when he encounters this pressure or problem today..., through in-depth dialogue with the child, step by step and even ask more "then"? "Later" is a kind of language that guides the description of the process, so that the child can help you have more understanding of him and things step by step through narration, so as to lead the child to break through the current predicament.
To help children deal with stress, in addition to changing the parents' thinking, the next step is to give children enough security and love, which can be achieved through the following two points:
1. Physical contact with the body is the easiest way to make people feel warm and loving, when there is a reassuring physical contact between people, the body will release "oxytocin", which is an important hormone that allows us to feel connected with others, making people feel calm. At the same time, it also increases endorphin through hugging, which in turn resists stress, strengthens immunity, and reduces disease. When the child is getting older, the parents often find that there are more and more problems that cannot be solved directly for him, such as interpersonal problems, learning problems and even whether the child likes to eat a nutritious lunch, which may become his pressure or problem, which means that the child must solve the problem for himself more and more time. I've found that hugs tend to give a lot of positive force.
2. Listen attentively When you know your child is stressed, what is the "comfort method" you use most often? Or is it the "reasoning method"? Or is it the "reprimand method"? In fact, for children, correct listening is more important than anything, before talking about correct listening, explain the wrong way of listening, that is, in the body language part such as: shaking feet, arms crossed, yawning, eyes drifting, frowning, urging children to talk faster or focus, look at the phone, look at the time... The language part appears: interrupting, suggesting, criticizing, inattentiveness, interjection, reasoning, compassion... If you're already feeling stressed or having trouble, it's really hard not to roll your eyes or get angry when you hear something like this. When the child is getting older and faces more and more pressure and challenges, although parents cannot directly help the child solve the problem, they can give the child strength and support through hugging and listening, increasing his frustration endurance and problem-solving ability, then the child naturally does not need to deal with the pressure in a self-injurious or hurtful way.
This article is original from the Rong Xinqi Professor Psychology Hall, if you need to reprint, please obtain permission and indicate the source.