Wen/Lan Mama on parenting
"Good people say three winter warm, bad words hurt people June cold", as parents we should never underestimate the power of language when educating children, a sentence that seems to be understated is actually a deep influence on the growth and learning of children, especially the children's experience and understanding ability is limited, parents inadvertently a true meaning expression may cause serious harm to children.
There is a friend who has lost his mother since childhood, his father has been dependent on his grandmother since he went out to work for his life, and his grandmother's love for his granddaughter is beyond doubt, but his grandmother, who was born with a "knife mouth tofu heart", gave his friend a painful growth experience, when he was a child, he was often said "I owe you in my previous life, you have to torture me like this in this life", and when you grow up, you often say "If you are not me, you don't know where you are hungry, and now that you are grown up, filial piety is also your business", every sentence is like a thorn into the heart socket.
Grandma's appeal, in fact, from the opposite point of view is to hope that the granddaughter will understand more when she is a child and accompany her more when she grows up, but this is obviously "disgust, resentment" or "guilt" for the young mind, and the growth experience brought about by the continuous germination of the seeds of pain is naturally full of negativity, just like the "filial piety" that Grandma hangs on her lips when she grows up, saying more is moral kidnapping, even if the heart clearly wants to get closer, but once the taste of speech changes, it will involuntarily want to escape.
Want to do a good job in family education, care for the healthy growth of children, language cultivation is a necessary growth lesson for every parent, the importance of language is like water can carry a boat, but also can overturn the boat, after all, we have all been young, have felt the influence of language, as parents we also have to learn from this moment to "speak well" to children, of which the first step to do a good job in language cultivation is not to say what should not be said.
Good family education starts with parents keeping their mouths shut, and there are 6 sentences that suggest parents must not say again:
1, the first sentence: "You just manage the study well"
"You manage learning well, you don't have to do anything else", this sentence is a typical single-minded reading of the sages, both ears do not hear things outside the window, from the learning point of view, children can participate more to have more opportunities to experience, from the perspective of growth, it is not necessarily a good thing to focus on only conquering children who read, many children lose motivation when they read, and they rebel when they learn to learn, in fact, this is the child's lack of independence to grow.
When learning becomes a rush and life becomes an arrangement, how can children take it seriously as their own business? Not to mention that learning is originally a long and boring time jogging, want to let the child not be alarmed, do not fall in the wind, then parents should let the child know independence, master self-reliance, usually guide children to participate in housework, self-reliance, which has a very strong positive energy transmission for the growth of children.
2, the second sentence: "You can't even do this"
Everyone, including children, wants to hear positive energy words, especially when making mistakes, the depths of the heart are fragile, at this time, a casual sentence of hurtful words can swallow people, there are many parents who like to say "you don't even know what you are doing all day when their children make mistakes", seemingly reminding a sentence but giving children a sense of shame on the basis of a bad chase.
Many times, parents may not say that the child can feel the mistake and correct it, but the parent's denial immediately makes the child fall into the inferiority state of self-denial, the child's growth needs to encourage parents to learn to control their own language expression, usually try to instill positive energy language on the child to make the child thrive, such as "you can't even do this, change it to "you can try to do it again"...
3, the third sentence: you are very smart, just not diligent enough"
Encouraging children is also a language cultivation, many parents encourage children when they like to "first raise the child, and then point out the mistakes", this method seems to comfort the child's young mind, point out the mistakes, but often say "you are very smart" class of elevated words are easy to make children fall into conceited thoughts, always unrealistically think that they are very smart, under the influence of the conceit effect, children will think that doing anything is very simple, and usually when they encounter difficulties or do not reach the goal, they always give up the opportunity inappropriately.
From the aspect of the language cultivation of encouraging education, parents encourage children to be not wrong, but we must master the way of encouragement, especially when the child is not good enough in some aspects or reflects it more prominently, it is recommended that parents should master the language cultivation of "not exaggerating wisdom to boast behavior", such as the child's endorsement is fluent today, or when the endorsement is not on time, we must say to the child: "You endorse it today is really fluent, the teacher is pleased, we must continue to keep it", "Your voice is really loud, the teacher likes to listen to your endorsement." ”...
4, the fourth sentence: "Crying and making trouble again, I don't want you"
Crying, is the child to the parents for help, seek comfort of an emotional expression, everyone has joys and sorrows, the younger the child is more innocent and pure, the expression of thoughts and ideas are relatively simple, as a parent we have to care for the healthy growth of the child First of all is to allow the child to cry, only by expressing the emotion can we better understand the needs of the child, if we cry when the child cries and scolds them "crying again, I don't want you", This kind of sentence that seems to relieve anger and stop the child from crying has invisibly affected a door in the child's heart that comes to us.
And when the child begins to hide the emotions and no longer cry, you will find that the distance between us and the child is gradually far away, so the language cultivation of health education is indispensable to accept the child's crying, even if at this moment we are very broken to warn ourselves to "wait", give them 30 seconds to cry when the child is crying, and then say to the child "What's wrong with you", "Don't be afraid, I have been with you, I will listen at any time when you want to say", with a gentle companion language that will not be abandoned to infect the child, Under the influence of a safe and secure language environment, the child's mentality will gradually stabilize, and at the same time, it will also open the door of language to us.
5, the fifth sentence: "Disobedience, see how the teacher cleans you up"
Disobedient children are almost a sign of childhood, without their childhood is not called childhood, when we face children's disobedience behavior, the correct way to do is to understand children, guide their behavior, rather than through some rough language to stop children's playful behavior, such as "disobedience, see how the teacher cleans you up" It is easy to make children afraid of the teacher, and it is an unfair blackening behavior for the teacher.
Teachers such as parents, many parents often feel that "the teacher's words are like a holy will", parents also blindly think that the use of the teacher's majesty can change the child's naughty behavior, in fact, the child wants to see the teacher and parents to give affirmation and encouragement, rather than intimidating language violence, if the parents often say to the child "the teacher likes your xx behavior", you will find that the child will work harder in this direction.
6, the sixth sentence: "Say you, for your own good"
The best way to educate children is to seize the opportunity at the moment, when children make some behaviors that are not as good as expected, many parents hate iron and steel, and even often tell children some big truths to instill ideas, such as "don't study well, you will pick up the rags later", "Now say that you are all for your own good, and you will know when you grow up later" ... In most cases, it is also the parents who say that "they have touched themselves, but they cannot move their children", because these words, these future or understanding after growing up, are unknown to the children themselves.
If you often talk to your child and don't understand it, how can it have a good language effect? Therefore, the communication between parents and children should try to say as little as possible "for your own good, good in the future" and other future without feeling, because the child does not understand, and will not experience it personally, and parents should not say a lot of words that move themselves, but rather talk to their children about the current feelings, future expectations, such as "what kind of life you want to live in the future, what plans do you have now", this kind of language cultivation that affects the current behavior through future goals, is more sincere than talking about the future and educating you in the same way.
Educating children is a two-way growth, need to learn to receive education is not only children, parenting first to raise themselves, the environment also determines the child's vision and growth pattern, parents want to educate children first of all to change their own concept of speech, with beautiful and understandable language and children to communicate, hope that every moment, every sentence can be gained!