Nathaniel. Brant's Psychology of Self-Esteem writes: "A person's evaluation of himself will directly affect his core values and whether he has a positive attitude, and self-evaluation will also affect his way of thinking, emotions, hopes, and life goals, as well as his behavior." ”
Since self-esteem is so important, what can parents do to help their children see themselves as a valuable person and strengthen their self-confidence and self-esteem? The easiest way to do this is to praise your child.
01 About praise
Children who are often praised at home feel better about themselves than those who don't, are more willing to accept life's challenges, and are more willing to set higher goals for themselves.
But praise is not a perfect parenting tool.
1. The disadvantages of praise
There is also the question of whether praise is valid or ineffective
For example, we always say "you are awesome" at every turn, this empty phrase, in fact, does not prepare children for the real life, nor does it help children grow, but it is likely to promote children's pride and arrogance. Children who grow up under the praise of their parents are often prone to lack the ability to cope with difficulties alone.
Inappropriate praise can lead to two extremes:
This may lead to some children becoming "flatterers" or "people who always seek approval from others," while others hate praise.
Former: These children (and adults grow up) may develop a self-concept that is completely dependent on the opinions of others.
The latter: These children hate and rebel against praise because they don't want to meet the expectations of others, or because they are afraid that they will not be able to get praise easily.
Some people mistakenly believe that praise can "give" children self-esteem
But in fact, self-esteem can neither be given nor accepted, self-esteem is cultivated, from the ability to cope with disappointments, solve problems, and learn from the many opportunities to learn from mistakes, the sense of self-confidence and ability.
Even though praise may seem useful, we must consider its long-term effect
We do love to see our children's faces glow when they are praised, but we also want to think deeply about the long-term effects of a child if they rely on other people's opinions.
So what exactly is the correct posture for praise?
2. How to praise your child correctly
American educator, homeschool speaker, best-selling author Elizabeth Clary, in the book "Saying Goodbye to Scolding and Coddling", suggests: When praising children, there are the following 4 points to pay attention to:
Praise should be clear: first describe what you see, then describe your feelings, then ask the child how he feels, and finally summarize the child's praiseworthy behavior into one word.
For example: "You see the plants in the pot dry up and then you water them, and your mother is glad that you can do this. Isn't that a sense of accomplishment? This is called having initiative in things. ”
Such a simple description process will have a profound impact. Because as we describe the subtleties of our children day in and day out, children are constantly increasing their inner strength.
In this way, the child will often praise the child, the child will find that he can clean up the messy house, he can make a gift to bring help and comfort to others, he can write touching articles, he can do punctuality, he has the ability to control himself.
All of this would be stored in his heart, and no one could take it away. No matter what others said about him, the time he bravely explored and expanded his horizons and the days when he tirelessly insisted on learning would not be erased in his heart.
All these experiences can give him comfort and encouragement when he is frustrated and confused in the future, and will also become the source of strength for his future success.
Praise should be timely: the child should praise immediately after showing the expected behavior, even if there is a slight delay, it may not have the effect of encouraging good behavior;
Praise should be sincere: do not act, really, children can always feel that your praise is not from the heart;
Invalid praise: When you mix praise, negative evaluation and comparison, also known as the "sandwich praise method", it is very likely to make the praise lose value.
For example, children who have achieved good results and want to share their joy with their parents. Parents said: "I am really proud of you, this is the harvest of your hard work some time ago!" You must be very proud of yourself! ”
Originally, it was perfect at this point, but I would like to add a sentence: "Next time don't go back bald!" You see next door XX has been keeping in the top three! This sentence will make the child have negative expectations, thus offsetting the excitement of the child when he is praised, and the child feels that he is still not good enough, and his confidence in the future is also hit.
So, in addition to praise and appreciation, are there other ways to help children develop self-esteem and self-confidence? Yes, that is encouragement.
02 About encouragement
The famous American early education expert, Amy McCreeddy, wrote in the book "The Book of Positive Discipline Magic": Encouragement is more intelligent than praise. Because when you encourage your child, you send a message: you focus on the child's positive behavior process and good qualities, not the outcome.
For example, rather than an A that your child can easily get, a B that he has worked hard to get should be encouraged by you.
1. How to distinguish between praise and encouragement
When we're not sure what we want to say to our child, praise or encouragement, it might be helpful to think about the following questions:
Am I motivating my child to self-evaluate, or do I rely on other people's evaluations?
Am I respecting my child, or am I putting the parents on the shelf?
Do I see the child's point of view, or do I just see my own point of view?
Would I say that to my friends?
For example: The following two sets of comments, which group is more beneficial to children?
Group 1:
"What a perfect report card, I'm so proud of you."
"Doing your homework?" Good boy. ”
"You're a very generous person."
Group II:
"This result represents your determination and countless hours of hard work, and you are sure to be proud of yourself."
"It takes self-discipline to keep doing homework when you're so tired."
"When you saw George forget to bring a sandwich, you gave him your share."
Obviously, the second group has a more positive effect. Because the first set of comments puts parents in control, they have the right to decide whether to give praise or retract it. The second set of comments linked the child to his own abilities, causing them to praise themselves.
2. The art of encouragement
Praise is like junk food, yes, mass-produced, and often neither personal nor meaningful. A small smiley face stamp indicating "Good Child" or "Ten Good" can be stamped on the hands of any child.
True encouragement is more targeted, will notice and recognize each child's uniqueness
You can say awesome to the barber, the puppy and your partner! And "Thank you for giving me such a beautiful hairstyle," "You've found your bones—the fragrance," or "You look really good in this blue visor, not the same as what you usually wear," these words are not interchangeable. If your words are unique to a person, an occasion, or a situation, it is more likely to be an encouragement.
Look for your child's talent and potential as early as possible, and give your child the opportunity to try it out
More powerful than the most loving and appreciative words are the experiences of those who let children know that they are capable and capable. Look for your child's special talents and talents, his abilities and strengths, and the things that will make him passionate. Then, give him the opportunity to try these things.
Also give him the opportunity to help you and take on some small responsibilities within his power. Early success shows that the "I can do" experience is a powerful building block for building a sense of self-worth.
Teach your child skills and be patient enough
When children have "capable experiences"—that is, when they learn skills and develop confidence in their ability to accomplish something "entirely on their own"—a true sense of self-worth arises.
Yes, toddlers are still very young, but you might be surprised that your little one can do so many things. Your child can set napkins on the table, wash lettuce leaves in the sink, and wipe off water stains with a sponge. He could put cheese slices on top of a hamburger and pour his own juice.
Will he do these things perfectly? Of course not – that's a good reason to have realistic expectations, a lot of patience, and a willingness to teach your child these skills more than once.
However, skills are the foundation of a healthy sense of self-worth and self-confidence. When you teach your little one, you're helping him become a more responsible, self-reliant person.
03 Write at the end
"Our most precious gift to our children is to let them see themselves positively and realistically."
Therefore, encouragement will mobilize the child's internal motivation, let the child recognize the connection between his own efforts and natural consequences, and the child will maintain his positive behavior. The role of praise is only temporary, and the role of encouragement is long-term, and the long-term effect of encouragement is that it can make children confident.