Text | Qianhe
In the process of raising children,
Have you ever experienced a stage where children like to hit people?
Holding on to mom's long hair,
Smash the adult with a toy at every turn,
Kicking and biting at you when you lose your temper,
I believe that many parents have encountered such behavior in their children.
Some people think that children don't understand anything,
Don't bother with him,
Take a dismissive approach.
But the child's hands are not light or heavy,
Sometimes we are beaten very painfully,
Feeling unbearable;
There are also people who think that children can't get used to it,
The act of beating people is wrong, and it must be seriously educated.
But whether it is patient reasoning or rudely stopping,
Doesn't seem to work for children.
How can I correct my child's beating behavior?
Many parents have done everything in their power.
Some time ago,
A video of a post-90s mother and a 2-year-old son "fighting" went viral on the Internet.
The post-90s mother took this approach to her 2-year-old son, who loves to beat people:
If you hit me, I'll hit you;
You brush my hair, I will brush your hair.
Source: @Surging Video
Even if the child is only 2 years old,
Mom and he fought but were not soft.
The mother said,
Because children always love to beat themselves, they don't listen to how to say anything,
She wants her child to feel the pain of being beaten.
Stop the child's beating behavior by making the child think in a different position.
What people did not expect was that
This mother's ingenious way of educating,
On the Internet, it ushered in a piece of everyone's likes.
Many netizens expressed support for the mother's approach:
Some parents said,
I have used the same method to educate my children.
However, for the child's behavior of hitting the mother,
Is it really a good idea for mom to fight back?
Is this mother's behavior of "countering violence with violence" to educate her children really worth advocating?
In fact
For young children whose understanding and empathy are still weak,
It's hard for them to empathize with what they're hurting.
Parents hope to educate their children through the method of "hitting back",
It does not fundamentally correct the child's wrong behavior.
Why do children like to hit people?
Want to really solve the problem,
Let the child get rid of the problem of beating people,
Let's start by understanding why children behave this way.
1. For babies who are small months old, "hitting people" is an exploration.
Before your baby turns two years old,
Large movements and fine motor development is very imperfect,
It was difficult for him to control the intensity and speed of his movements.
Many times,
The baby pulls her hair on the mother,
The act of picking nostrils and poking eyes,
It's not because he's going to hit people.
Rather, he is exploring what interests him.
There is such an experiment in the American Journal of Frontiers in Psychology,
Researchers used toys to track 24 babies aged 2 to 6 months.
Until they are one year old.
It turned out that as we got older,
The way babies use their hands is also changing
At first, I touched the toy with my small fist and the back of my hand.
Slowly become touching with the palms of your hands and fingers,
Until later to grasp hard.
For small babies,
Whether it is a gentle touch,
Still looking a bit rough scratching and punching,
It's just the act of wanting to explore things.
And not really want to hit people.
2, for slightly older children, "hitting people" is to express emotions.
As your baby grows,
Many parents have gone through the "Terrible Two" stage,
Commonly known as the "terrible 2 years old".
At this stage,
Many children will show that they like to hit people,
In the news at the beginning of the article,
Babies who like to beat their mothers are about 2 years old.
This is because of this period,
The child's intellectual and emotional development has improved significantly compared to before,
Their sense of self begins to germinate,
But language skills can't keep up.
When the child is unable to express himself accurately,
It will be angry and anxious,
Vent your emotions by hitting people.
He tugged at your hair,
May want to block your conversations with others and get your attention;
He hits you with a toy,
Probably to tell you he's bored and wants you to play with him;
He kicked and punched you,
Probably because you took something he loved to eat, he was showing resistance.
Therefore, a child's "hitting" is not the same as aggressive behavior.
As parents, let's not be in a hurry to label him a "violent tendency".
Correct your child's beating behavior
Is it really good to "hit back"?
Knowing that there was once a very hot problem,
Millions of views.
A netizen asked:
"It hurts to be hit by my own 3-year-old child with a toy,
And then it's very grumpy.
What should I do if I want to fight back? ”
Source: @Zhihu
Because children play with it is not heavy,
In the moment of being hurt by a child,
Many people's first reaction must be the same as this netizen,
I just want to fight back.
Although this can immediately stop the child's violent behavior,
But from the perspective of educating children,
Education that "counters violence with violence" will only destroy children in the end.
1. "Countering violence with violence", the effect is short-lived.
My friend's 5-year-old son Lele is a grumpy child,
Visiting her house on weekends,
Le Le grabbed and beat his mother when he didn't agree.
Friends coaxed and persuaded to no avail,
As a result, his father's violent beating restored his quiet.
Friends say:
"I know it's not good, but nothing else works."
stop one act of violence with another,
It works, but it definitely doesn't last.
Because the child stops hitting people is not that they don't want to fight,
It's about compromising on the reality that you can't beat.
And then he'll think,
Hitting people is a way to solve problems.
When he has enough strength to resist,
It will also show violent behavior of bullying the small with the big and bullying the weak with the strong.
2. "Countering violence with violence" provides a false example.
We often say,
In homeschooling,
Teaching by example is greater than words.
Countering violence with violence will only provide children with examples of wrong behavior.
Maybe the child just hit you unintentionally,
But the way you "hit back" reinforces his understanding of the behavior.
It will also imitate your violent behavior.
Especially for young children,
Their ability to imitate is innate,
However, the ability of "empathy" and "empathy" and "empathy" is very lacking.
3. "Countering violence with violence" ultimately hurts the child.
When children use the act of hitting people to vent their inner emotions,
The parent's "hit back" behavior directly cuts off the child's normal emotional expression.
When the child does not know how to deal with his emotions,
Proper emotional venting is necessary.
Freud believed that
Depression is the result of an attack and anger turning within a person.
Parents use violence to stop their children,
will turn the child's aggression and anger towards itself,
Serious cases can cause a variety of children's mental illness.
Kids hit people, you can do that
The act of children hitting people,
"Hit back" is a mistake, though,
But that doesn't mean we have to let go and condone this behavior.
In the parent-child parenting reality show "Super Parenting",
There is a 6-year-old boy named Sun Hechen.
In everyone's eyes,
Sun Hechen was like a little demon.
At home he kicked and punched his mother,
Even a slap on the face,
The nursery teacher Lan Hai was stunned.
In school he was also very aggressive,
Often bully other children,
So no one played with him.
Source: @Good Look Video
And all this is inseparable from his mother's laissez-faire indulgence in his violent behavior.
Because I gave birth to my baby son at the age of 40,
Mother loves Sun Hechen in every way,
When he was a child, when Sun Hechen first showed violence,
Mom didn't care.
Every time Sun Hechen beats his mother,
Not only was there no anger on mom's face,
Instead, he still had a smile on his face.
In life, I have seen many parents like Sun Hechen's mother,
Especially a lot of grandparents,
Be infinitely tolerant of violence against your child.
"The baby is awesome!"
"Babies hit people!"
The child even feels proud and proud in such a tone,
Although children are not very hurtful to hit people,
But when he actually develops into violence, it will be difficult to correct.
How to correctly deal with children's beating behavior?
Parents must first stop but cannot fight back.
When a child hits someone,
You can grab his hands and stop his behavior,
But don't fight back.
I saw a netizen on the Internet who shared a small experience,
When the baby wants to reach out and hit someone,
You can respond with a high-five to stop his behavior.
Then make it clear that hitting someone is bad behavior and wrong.
When the child's behavior is stopped,
The most important thing is that we have to figure out why the child hits people,
Is it to express anger or what is the need in the heart?
Only by prescribing the right medicine can we solve the child's problem.
When the child's emotions calm down,
Don't forget that we still need to review with him.
Teach children how to express themselves correctly.
For example, say to your child:
"If you want your mother to play with you, you have to say it, but hitting people is not allowed."
"You can refuse your mother to let you do things you don't like, but tell your mother well."
On the basis of understanding,
Teach children what can and cannot be done.
At last
How to deal with the parents' own emotions?
I think we can express it appropriately.
After all, people have emotions,
Even if we are parents,
Hurt by the child, angry,
It is also inevitable that there will be emotional outbursts.
You appropriately express your pain and anger,
It will make the child understand the harm that hitting someone brings to others.
But for babies who are too small,
We need more control,
Because of his limited ability to understand,
I still can't understand how you feel.
The more you react,
The more interesting the little one may find it,
The more I want to try this action.
The growth of children is a gradual process,
When their mental abilities are not yet mature,
We can't directly apply adults' social standards of for tat, eye for eye to constrain them.
But it should be based on the characteristics of the child,
More understanding, more acceptance,
Guide your child's behavior in the right way,
Correct your child's mistakes.
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Author: Qian He, a passionate life home, a calm thinker. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.