Author | Blue Camel
Remember Fu Jiantao, who was kidnapped and sold with Sun Zhuo?
When he was 4 years old, he was abducted in Shenzhen. He remembers a lot of things when he was a kid, and after being trafficked, he even remembers having his own parents.
And in the past 14 years, he has never shown it in front of a buyer.
Because he remembered that his mother had said something like this:
"If you don't obey, they'll sell you."
He couldn't help but wonder if it was because he wasn't good that his mother really sold him?
Therefore, he did not dare to tell the truth, nor did he dare to look for his parents.
This also gives us a wake-up call:
Sometimes, a joke casually said by an adult can deeply hurt the child.
These 10 sentences, don't say to your child -
"If you don't obey, your mother won't want you."
This is actually telling the child that the mother's love is conditional, that is, "listen to the mother's words".
Children will "obey" in order to get love, deliberately please, and suppress their true emotions.
The book Unconditional Parenting once referred to this kind of education as the "withdrawal of love".
"This temporary emotional abandonment is not corporal punishment, but a punishment that is colder than corporal punishment."
On the one hand, children will lose their sense of dependence and security on their parents, and when children make mistakes, they will fear losing their mother's love and suffer from gains and losses.
On the other hand, children will find that the results that their parents say will not be achieved, and it is impossible for parents to really not want children.
The prestige of parents due to threats will slowly disappear.
"I'm all for you"
When parents say "I'm all for you" to their children, they are actually expressing a strong sense of giving.
The inner presupposition is: "You owe me."
It is easy for children to carry heavy spiritual shackles and make children feel guilty about their parents.
There is a concept in psychology called "emotional blackmail" -
"Emotional blackmailers can always make the other person feel: you are not important, my feelings are more important." You have a responsibility and obligation in life to meet my needs. ”
When parents put "I'm all for you" on their lips, subconsciously they are expressing:
"I made this request of you for your own good. I didn't expect you to do what I said, then you just reject my kindness to you, that is, you don't care about me. ”
Living in this emotional kidnapping for a long time, children silently bear the pressure given by their parents.
Over time, it is easy to produce disapproval of yourself.
"You just study hard, don't worry about anything else"
From a young age, it seems that it is no problem to only let children learn, but in the long run, there is a deep pit.
Although some children have good grades, they have insufficient self-care ability in life, and there are great problems in interpersonal communication.
There is a famous "barrel principle" in psychology, that is, how much water a barrel can hold depends on the shortest board, not the longest one.
The child's world is far more than just learning, and at different ages, there are responsibilities for him.
If you don't have the ability to live independently, you don't have a sense of responsibility, you don't know how to love.
The more obvious the "short board", the more it will affect the long-term development of the child.
"If you don't behave any more, the police uncle will come to arrest you."
Similarly, "If you don't eat well, the doctor will give you an injection." ”
Scaring children in this way will make children feel afraid of the police, doctors, etc.
Once the child is in trouble and needs the help of the police uncle, the child does not dare to ask for help.
When a child is sick and needs to go to the hospital, the child's resistance to the doctor will be extremely strong.
"Why didn't he hit someone else, just you?"
Speaking to a child in this way means: Because you are at fault, you will be beaten.
The child is already very wronged, he needs protection, he needs comfort, his emotions need to be seen.
But at this time, we must question him and deny him.
Over time, he is likely to develop an inertial mindset:
As long as you encounter something bad, it is your own problem.
So that children are insecure, lack of self-confidence, overly sensitive, and even if they are bullied next time, they dare not say it to their parents.
"Look at people"
Always use this unfair "comparison" to hit the child, it is easy for the child to have inferiority and jealousy.
Psychologist Bandura, after extensive research, points out:
"Self-efficacy" refers to one's own estimation of the degree of certainty of being able to do something, and the higher one's "self-efficacy" is, the more confident one becomes.
If children are often compared by their parents, they will gradually think that they have no value, low "self-efficacy", and more and more unconfident.
Forward-thinking parents will not often look at other people's children, but to discover their children's unique advantages, stimulate their children's potential, and make their children better selves.
"How are you so stupid"
Calling a child "stupid" is actually labeling a child.
The child will think that in the eyes of the mother, I am a stupid child, and the child's sense of value will become lower and lower.
And feel like you're not good enough to deserve the love and appreciation of others.
In the long run, children will become more and more inferior.
There is a theory in psychology called the "label effect", which means that once people are labeled, they are more inclined to become the kind of people to which the label belongs.
Parents must not casually "label" their children.
That will internalize into a child's "definition" of themselves and even affect their entire life.
"Say you can't, you can't"
For children, parents are the most trusted and closest people to children, and they will fully accept their parents' evaluation of themselves, and even rooted in their hearts.
Because there is a "suggestive effect" in psychology, that is, people will inadvertently accept messages from others and thus react corresponding to the information.
Subtly, the child will only be convinced that he is like the parents said" "you can't", and focus only on the shortcomings, in the long run, the heart breeds inferiority.
If you are always hit and keep accepting such negative cues, the child will have a great sense of frustration and lack of self-confidence.
"Beating you and scolding you is for your own good, you will know when you grow up!"
Parents who like to scold their children often cannot control their emotions well.
After venting his emotions on the child, he felt guilty, and then self-hypnotized, "I'm all for your own good."
In fact, violence is violence, and confusing violence with love and "for your own good" is very harmful to children.
Because children will only feel hurt and anger from violence.
Children learn by observation, and we will learn this way when people around us treat us.
The way childhood is treated is unconsciously absorbed by the child, forming deep-rooted beliefs and behavior patterns.
Over time, children will most likely learn to use the same violence to solve problems.
"Are you still crying? Do you still mean to cry? ”
Whether it is to intimidate the child to "not cry", or to deny the child's feelings , "You are still willing to cry", it will forcibly suppress the child's emotions.
The child may no longer cry on the surface, but the emotions in the heart are not released.
At the same time, the child's heart will hide more fears: he is afraid that if he cries, he will lose the love of his parents and will be scolded and punished!
The cry of being stopped has the potential to cause even greater trouble.
Although the child may no longer cry easily, the psychologically repressed pain may accompany it for a lifetime.
We have to accept the child's emotions and return the right to "cry" to the child.
In Poisoned Parents, psychologist Dr. Susan Foward says this:
"Children can't distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe what adults say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas."
There are some things that you should never say to your child.
Because an unintentional sentence may affect a child's life.
Every child actually dances on the tip of their parents' tongues.
The power of parental language is very powerful, it can make a child, but also can destroy a child.
The future of every child is hidden in the mouths of their parents.
Visionary parents know how to speak well.
Encourage your parents.
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Author: Blue Camel, Writer, Recorder. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.