There is a term in psychology called the "south wind effect": the north wind and the south wind are more powerful than the power, to see who can take off the coat of the pedestrian.
The north wind blew out a biting cold wind, and the pedestrians wrapped their coats tightly because they were afraid of the cold; while the south wind blew out a soft breeze, and the pedestrians felt very warm, so they unbuttoned their coats.
The same is true for educating children: how to use the gentleness of spring wind and rain to moisten things in silence!
01
A friend is a mother of two children, and she cried to me the other day and said that she felt that she had failed to be a mother.
It turned out that after Erbao was born, there was a time when she was very anxious, as long as Erbao cried, she would yell at Dabao for no reason. Gradually, every time he was yelled at, Dabao stood to the side, did not cry or make trouble, pursed his mouth and bowed his head, and pinched the corners of his clothes with his fingers in confusion.
One day, because of the toy thing, she yelled at Dabao again, and the child was very aggrieved and slipped into the arms of her grandmother, crying and saying, "I don't like this mother anymore, you take me away." ”
The child's words stung her like a needle!
Actor Xiao Tao Hong once shared an experience of yelling at a child.
Once, before going out, her daughter accidentally spilled the milk, and she rushed up to cover her face and yelled at her daughter: "What's wrong with you?" ”
When she yelled at her like this, her daughter was immediately stunned, looking at her with fear in her eyes, not speaking, and even forgetting to cry.
After Xiao TaoHong saw this expression of her daughter, she immediately realized that she was wrong.
When the daughter "snapped" the milk to the ground again, she did not criticize, but walked over and hugged the helpless child.
At this time, the silent daughter had a sense of security and cried out.
Regarding "yelling at the child", many parents said that after yelling at the child, they are not afraid of him crying, nor are they afraid of him reasoning with you afterwards. I am afraid of encountering the kind of child who "does not cry and scolds" and mutes his emotions.
For children, there is a kind of helplessness in the world that "the mother feels that it is impossible not to roar."
For parents, there is a kind of despair in the world that "after yelling at the child, I don't know what the little thing that doesn't speak is thinking."
Compared with the children who talk back and reason with their parents, those children who do not speak after being yelled at are the ones that parents are most worried and worried about.
02
A domestic educational short film called "How Much Harm Language Can Cause", which is just two minutes long, but it is very shocking.
Maybe some of these words you may have just said to your child:
"You're not ashamed of me, I'm ashamed of myself!"
"I've never seen you so stupid!"
"Look at someone else's child!"
……
We think that hitting a child will hurt the child, but we don't know that the harm of language will also leave a deep mark on the child.
Damn, this kind of verbal harm is abundant in our daily upbringing and is repeated over time.
Searching for the keyword "verbal violence of parents" on Zhihu, I found that many self-narrators who grew up in their parents' "roaring" education environment either harbored fear and did not know what crazy actions their parents would make next; or they were afraid of their heads and tails, and they could not be interested in anything.
Some self-narrators write:
"I know that my mother's language violence is terrible, but what is even more terrible is that I find that I have subtly learned her language habits, and when I am unconscious, I will also bring emotions into words, and every word is hurting people. I knew that going on like this would only push my loved one farther and farther away, but I couldn't control myself. ”
So I gradually closed the window in my heart, tried to comfort myself when I was sad, wrote a diary, shopped, and rewarded myself with good food. I began to be silent in front of my family, trying to escape to a place outside of home, and remembering that if I was lucky enough to start a family in the future, I had to take care of him and not let the same sadness happen to my own children. ”
"It's normal to look outside, to be grumpy at home, and they can never speak in a gentle tone. Inferiority and sensitivity, others can stab me with every word, moody, very defensive about others, as long as the people who have hurt me, never want to approach me again. ”
The child's non-speech after being yelled at is actually a manifestation of psychological trauma. There are several reasons for this:
Some children are out of fear, feel hurt by safety, no longer trust their parents, emotionally forced to break off the connection with their parents, distance themselves from their parents, and begin to wonder in their hearts "Is mom and dad not loving me?" ”
There are also some children who have become accustomed to it, simply breaking the jar and breaking it, although they are full of disbelief, but they are too lazy to refute it. Deliberately using this kind of "non-cooperation" to anger parents, the subtext is "I can't afford to provoke, I can hide";
The most serious is that the child feels that his self-esteem has been crushed, has emotional disorders, is no longer confident, and even has inferiority and autistic tendencies, afraid that he will be wrong to say anything to his parents.
Indeed, yelling children can make children quiet down temporarily, or become well-behaved and obedient, and can solve some small problems in front of them.
However, it has left a great hidden danger for the growth of children. Especially for the kind of children who "fight without crying and scolding", the psychological damage is even more immeasurable.
03
For parents, yelling may only be a matter of 1 minute, but for children, the harm can last a lifetime.
Dr. Montessori said that every character defect is caused by some kind of mistreatment experienced in early childhood. Psychology also believes that any kind of mental illness, tracing back to the source, is a childhood trauma.
Children who have been living under the "roar" education for a long time are like the little penguin in the classic German picture book "The Mother Who Yells When You Are Angry".
It is frightened by the roar of its parents, and its heart is full of fear and insecurity, although it wants to open its mouth to express its voice and needs, but it is worried that no one will listen.
Over time, you can only avoid harm by "not talking".
Image source: picture book "The Mother Who Yells All The Time"
Those children who do not speak after being yelled at are prone to form these kinds of personalities:
Indecisive and unconfident;
Cowardly, unsinkable;
Withdrawn personality, not good at communicating and handling interpersonal relationships.
More importantly, these children are generally insecure, have an instinctive rejection of family affection, and do not know how to get along with their families in the parent-child relationship.
04
The depth of love, the depth of responsibility. No parent can avoid yelling at the child, if the child "does not cry and scold", we should be vigilant.
What should be done to "rescue" the injured child?
Put down your body and go to comfort the frightened child
Although we all say that we should be a loving mother and love each other with our children, in parent-child education, if we are not careful, we will be in a plastic mother-child (mother-daughter) relationship.
Once we've yelled out your child, remember to give yourself a few minutes to ease up, and when your mood has calmed down, crouch down, try to hug your child, and tell him:
"Although your mother yelled at you, your mother's love for you did not diminish at all, and next time, your mother will try to control her emotions." 」
Guide your child to express emotions
Emotions are energetic, parents yell at their children, what is passed on to their children is negative energy, and the child is projected by negative energy, feels fear, and resists this energy with "not speaking".
But in fact, many children do not have the ability to digest negative energy, and not speaking for a long time will only let negative energy accumulate in their hearts.
When the injury is formed, parents must remedy it afterwards
Calmly guide the child to say the true thoughts in his heart, teach the child to learn to express emotions, dispel emotions, and solemnly guarantee to the child that this is just an emotional exchange, not a correction of right and wrong.
Accept your own imperfections, and accept your child's imperfections
Everyone has a "perfect child" living in their hearts, and we try to educate our children according to this standard, so that he can live and grow up the way he thinks he is. Yelling at children is actually a kind of disapproval of parents towards themselves.
In fact, every child is unique, he can only be himself, not our copy, and it is impossible to grow into what his parents want.
Yin Jianli once said: In the face of children, the greatest civilization of adults is to stand in the child's point of view, try to understand what he does, and guide his growth in a way that he is willing to accept.
You must treat him as a "man" as an equal, not as a "weak man" to conquer.
No matter who it is, it is difficult to deal with other unpleasant things when you are emotionally irritable, and when you are in a bad mood and face your child's "unruliness", parents will inevitably deal with the problem simply and rudely.
But parents should be aware that it is inevitable to encounter unpleasantness in work and life, and it is necessary to find a suitable outlet for this unpleasantness, and do not let innocent children bear your negative emotions. Accept the imperfect self, and accept the imperfection of the child.
Here are some specific suggestions:
1, before going home every day, say your negative emotions, and realize that these negative emotions are the first step to controlling your temper.
2, if you encounter a child doing something wrong, you must present your own psychological activities.
For example: "Baby, you deliberately broke the cup, and Mom/Dad is angry right now." Because you have to spend money on cups later, your behavior causes extra expenses in the family, so Mom/Dad thinks it's wrong for you to do it. And so on, both to calm down during the narrative process and to communicate with the child.
3. Try to find an outlet and solution for these negative emotions. Adults usually feel better after venting their emotions.
Therefore, when we recognize that we have negative emotions, we can vent them in a healthy way such as running and doing housework, and when sanity returns, we can consider how to deal with it.
4. When you are very angry, count 30 seconds in your mind before you start speaking. If your emotions have not been dealt with to solve the child's problem, you can be honest but try to gently tell the child that "I am in a bad mood now, may scold you and make you sad, I don't want this to happen, so let's be quiet for 10 minutes together." ”