Qilu Qingwei | why a group of people with a child were still so tired

□ author Wu Zaitian has a very interesting question on Zhihu: Why is Chinese "a team with a child" and a foreigner "a person with a team of children"? The point is, we are a group of people with a child, why are we still so tired? A netizen said the point, after giving birth to a child, the most people in the family are mothers, mothers-in-law, nannies to take care of at the same time, there are many opinions, and everyone's habits are different, but there is serious internal friction. What's harder than having children is having children, and there are a lot of marital conflicts and conflicts that begin because there are children born in the family. After the birth of the child, it begins to produce a variety of contradictions and problems around how to raise the child, which then generalizes into the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Around who should take the child, every family faces a variety of problems: "The mother-in-law always finds various reasons to take the baby, and the baby wants to feed the mother, she does not give, but carries out." Hold your baby's hand when feeding. "Mother-in-law to help with the child, half a year to ask for 15,000 yuan, this money, should not be given?" "My in-laws always try to take my daughter back to her hometown, but I have not agreed, what should I do?" ... Why is that? You may have heard a similar story, when the daughter-in-law takes the child, the mother-in-law may be next to say that you can't do this, that's not right. There are also new mothers who may learn some modern parenting teaching methods, such as breastfeeding, mothers should spend more time with their children, etc. But the mother-in-law will completely deny it, and at this time, you may hear a saying: You have not brought children, you know? At this time, many new mothers will hesitate. On the one hand, this sentence sounds like this, I have no experience with children, and my mother-in-law may have more experience. On the other hand, I feel a little uncomfortable, who has the experience of bringing children when she becomes a mother for the first time? At this time, the problem of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was raised. At the same time, there will be such a situation, the daughter-in-law does not want the mother-in-law to come and take the child, or, ask the mother-in-law to come to help, just want the mother-in-law to help in housework, the daughter-in-law still wants to take care of the child herself. However, at this time, the mother-in-law and her husband will become very persistent, obsessed that the child should be brought by the mother-in-law, and feel that the mother-in-law will bring better. And when the daughter-in-law talks to her husband about the need to take the child herself, the husband will even be puzzled and angry. He will think that his mother is doing well with her children, and he may also think that it is his wife's problem. At this time, the relationship between husband and wife was also affected. It is not the body that is tired with children, but the heart Why do we need so many people to bring a child? A friend joked that it didn't feel like serving the emperor? So many people are vying to serve their children, which also means that whoever is close to the child has more status and power in this family. The birth of a child means that the power structure of the family has changed. Children mean the future, and the birth of every child, especially in a patriarchal family, the birth of a son will even affect the future power structure of the family. When a child is born, especially a son, the power in the hands of the mother becomes greater. Because almost every child is naturally closer to their mother. If the husband or mother-in-law cannot accept this change in the family power pattern, especially if the husband listens to the mother-in-law, then their subconscious will make them do all kinds of things to hinder the future change of the family power pattern. So we often hear things like when the mother is still in confinement, let the mother wash things with cold water, do housework, or keep the mother away from her child. The mother-in-law did this in order to pass on the pain she encountered when she was a daughter-in-law to her daughter-in-law. In addition, this can also hinder the increase of the daughter-in-law's power in the family structure. But the birth of a child will inevitably increase the status and weight of the new mother in the family. Therefore, sometimes the mother-in-law will deliberately say to the daughter-in-law: You see what you say about the children do not listen, I only listen. This is actually to satisfy the mother-in-law's inner sense of power. The mother-in-law will even make the child and herself closer in various ways, so that the child and the mother are not so close, so as to increase their matriarchal status in the family. When the mother-in-law denies the daughter-in-law with the child, she is actually expressing that she can only take the child, and she can kiss the child. Therefore, why is it that sometimes a person with a child is not so tired, but when a group of people take a child, the more tired they are. Because at this time, everyone is playing a game of power struggle by taking children. Therefore, it is not the body that is tired, but the mind. And this power game, in fact, is to express a meaning, that is, who has a family that has their own decision, who is the real master of this family. The relationship between husband and wife is the first cornerstone of the family relationship The struggle of the power game is also the presentation of the problem of parent-child relationship. The parent-child relationship mentioned here is not only the parent-child relationship between the new mother and the newborn, but also the parent-child relationship between the new father and his mother. As a son, this man will easily side with his mother, especially if he grows up watching how his mother is aggrieved and angry in the family, how to be bitter. Men are taught to listen to their mothers from an early age, so when the initial mother-in-law conflict occurs, most men tend to side with their mothers, which is the result of the mother's power. So, when this man has a family, even if he has children, he will easily ignore the feelings of his children and his wife, and even deliberately do so, intentionally to express loyalty to his mother - he is a good son. This will lead to a conflict between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law in the matter of raising children, and the husband cannot look at things objectively, but can easily stand in the mother-in-law's point of view. At this time, in fact, it is equivalent to the parent-child relationship between the husband and the mother-in-law, which is higher than the husband and wife relationship in this small family. When men do this, they also plant a bad consequence for themselves. Because his wife also became a mother, a new mother-child alliance appeared, and if he blindly ignored his wife and children, he would lose his place in the future family. This is tantamount to pushing one's family relationship to the brink of a problem. So, in a troubled family, it will present such a structure: anxious mother + non-existent father + problematic child. Especially when the child is getting older, the problem is more serious, such as the lack of father's support, too much glue with the mother, and no room for independent growth. Psychology believes that the relationship between husband and wife is the first cornerstone of the family relationship. If we can follow the principle that "the relationship between husband and wife is the first relationship in the family, and the parent-child relationship is the second relationship in the family", the family will be more stable. If the parent-child relationship is put first, the family will eventually have all kinds of problems. I've seen a lot of people get love by anger, accusation, complaining, and pleading, and their success rates are low. Even if the other person meets their needs, it is often the result of compromise, not genuine love from the heart. But many people use vulnerability, praise, and pampering, but they will get some love, and the people who give it are still very satisfied. In a relationship, if you want to get the other person's love, showing weakness is a good way to do it. Although showing weakness may not be obtained, it is certainly not obtainable to be strong. For love can only flow from the strong to the weak. Just like water, in its natural state, it can only flow from high to low. Love is a giving, a giving. That can only go from more to less. A man's love is many, he is strong. A person's love is very scarce, he is a weak person. When you need the other person's love, when you have a need for him, you are already in a needer role. You need others, and you have to make yourself look strong, and that is, you will get nothing. When you are asking for love, you can't lower your posture, love just can't flow in. It is often said that relationships are equal. What is equality? Equality means that sometimes I have a high posture, sometimes you have a high posture, and sometimes we both have an equal posture. You have never been low, how can you count as equal? Equality is that sometimes you need me, sometimes I need you, sometimes we don't need each other. Weakness is difficult for some people because showing weakness means low self-esteem, cowardice, and incompetence for them. Man's experience determines his first reaction. His first reaction determines what kind of posture he is going to use. Where does the experience come from? From earlier times: low posture from an early age is not allowed. You need Mom, Mom says no. When you show her your weakness, you will only be ignored, disliked, and blamed by her. She will take good care of your life, but psychologically she will not coax you, comfort you, protect you. When you need her, she will only tell you: don't get used to it, come by yourself. You can only make yourself look strong, protect yourself, and stop trusting others. Growing up is an adventure. You can try new experiences. Honestly lower yourself to try, it is not too late to put it away after not being satisfied, at least there is a possibility of being satisfied. But from the beginning you ask for love with a high profile, and failure is an inevitability. You know: the softest and strongest. Anchor/Post-editing: Zhu Ruotong Duty Editor-in-Chief: Wang Juan