CAT'S VIEWILL OF LIFE
life
It's an attitude
Author: Cornices
Ten o'clock reading | Original debut
In the circle of friends, it is often seen that mothers are blaming themselves:
"I scolded the child today and cried";
"I yelled at my daughter again"...
Children always unexpectedly activate the emotional switch of adults, so that we cannot calm down.
So we picked up the "three axes" of parenting: scolding, yelling, ignoring him if we couldn't do it.
Later, I felt guilty and felt that I was not a qualified parent.
This is really an evergreen topic that torments parents: we want our children to become winners in life, but we always use the wrong way to make him fall to the bottom.
Therefore, guilt alone is not enough, if we do not recognize the harm of these practices, we will often repeat the same mistakes.
I know there is a topic: how easy is it to destroy a child? The answer of netizen @Fiber sparrow received nearly 50,000 high praise:
Belittle him, spare no effort to demean him.
When you lose a grain of rice after eating, you use chopsticks to hit his hand joints and scold: You can't eat, pigs are stronger than you.
When you walk and fall, you slap his calf and scold: You can wrestle when you walk, what else can you do?
Even if it is done well, he will say to him in a dismissive tone: It is not a serious thing that can be done well.
……
Many readers, looking at other people's stories, leave their own tears:
"I have all these sad pieces, but I have more glass slag buried in my heart, and I may not be able to let go of it, and I still can't write it down calmly."
Those derogatory, perhaps only fragments of growth, but clearly imprinted, take a long time to heal.
Those denials turn the child into a seemingly independent, strong, arrogant adult, but a fragmented adult:
Seemingly indestructible, but timid and timid at heart, dare not risk trying new things;
It seems to be exquisite, but in fact it takes a lot of effort, and I am always afraid that others will not like me.
In fact, when children make mistakes, it is the time to test their parents.
There is a word in psychology called "verbal abuse", verbal abuse, which will make children lose motivation and confidence, breed indifference and inferiority.
Some people call these "knife mouth tofu hearts", thinking that children can't listen to the language without some stimulation.
There are also people who call it "the depth of love, the cut of responsibility", but the child's heart has been poked into tofu slag by those "knife mouths", how can you feel the soft love in the heart of the parents?
Education expert Yin Jianli said:
"Strict education" is a kind of dangerous education, and adults use beatings, punishments and humiliation as the main means to carry out compulsory reform of minors, which is not in line with human nature and has great destructive power.
Good education, not blindly denouncing children's misconduct, but focusing on children's strengths and strengths, is "timely praise, appropriate criticism, appropriate arguments, necessary encouragement and effective supervision." ”
A word from a parent can push the child into the abyss of pain, and can also make their hearts full of sunshine and have a sense of self-worth.
The little bit of trust and patience accumulated by parents in their children will eventually gather sand into towers and merge into rivers, achieving children's spiritual growth and mental maturity.
Believe me: the more you encourage, the more you have, the more you deny, the more you lose.
Breakfast was prepared for more than ten minutes, the child was still brushing his teeth and washing his face, and after the mother urged several times, he finally couldn't help but yell: "Come to dinner quickly!" Do you want to be late for school! ”
It has been taught several times, the child's homework has not been completed, and the father has lost patience: "Why is it not finished?" What's so hard about that! ”。
Adults work hard and can't help but shout loudly, and children either passively resist and pretend not to hear, or panic and helplessness and reluctantly do it, but also unwillingly.
Is such a scene familiar?
Psychologist Bai Yanyi suggests trying to lower your voice, in other words:
- Change "faster" to "How long will it take?" ”
- Change "What's so hard about this" to "Tell me if anyone can do it once and need help."
The effect must be very different.
Adjust the tone and way of speaking so that children are willing to cooperate, rather than being forced to obey their parents' orders because of impatience or fear.
Remembering the story of Pele, the king of the ball:
When Bailey was ten years old, mixing with street children smoking cigarettes and being discovered by his father, Bailey was nervous, thinking that he would face a storm when he returned home, and he knew that his frugal and well-behaved father would not allow him to do so.
However, to his surprise, his father pulled him to him and said quietly:
"I saw you smoking with your buddies, how long have you been smoking?"
Bailey said tremblingly, "Yes, yes." Not long. ”
His father put his arm around his shoulder: "You play well, you may become a master in the future, but smoking will hinder you, and that thing can make you lack enough strength to insist on playing for 90 minutes." 」 ”
Father took out a few bills from his pocket:
"Whether you want to smoke or be an athlete, you decide for yourself." If you still want to smoke, you should also smoke your own, how much money you need to take yourself, I will not blame you. ”
Bailey was so touched that he didn't smoke again because of that conversation with the wind and rain.
Bailey recalled:
"If my father had yelled at me and scolded me, it would have provoked my resistance, and I might have become a big smoker who was difficult to change."
"Reasonable is not in the voice height", whether the speech has an effect, not on the volume level, but on whether it enters the child's heart.
Every roar is the beginning of the destruction of the baby;
Every whisper is an opportunity to grow.
Some parents do not yell or scold, but go to the other extreme: they cannot see their children's emotions and ignore their children's demands.
Some time ago, the video of "a 15-year-old girl in Changzhou beating her mother on the street" was circulated on the Internet, and the girl did not buy a mobile phone, pushed and shoved on the street and even pounded her mother's helmet many times.
Many people say that children do not know how to cherish and be grateful, but why is the girl's emotions so broken?
It turned out that the girl made an appointment with her mother to buy an Apple mobile phone, and the girl saved 4,000 yuan herself, and her mother promised to give 2,000 yuan. After arriving at the store, my mother changed her mind and was not ready to buy it, so the mother and daughter quarreled on the street.
When the mother saw that there were so many people gathered around, she was pushing the electric car to go, but suddenly stopped and did not leave.
There were more and more spectators shooting around, and the daughter urged many times without results, suddenly became irritable, constantly pushing and shoving at her mother, hysterically asking: "Can't go!" Can't go! ”
No matter how much the daughter urged, the mother turned a deaf ear and did not move.
You didn't come as I wanted, I was angry with you, didn't want to take care of you, and even ignored you to hang out and give you some color to see.
Many adults do not get the expected response, the mood will still fluctuate violently, let alone children?
So, psychologists say:
For children, where there is a response, there is light, and where there is no response, it is a hopeless situation.
Those intentional or unintentional disregards, in fact, the "mental confinement" of the child will make the child feel that the parents do not care about themselves, their feelings are not important, and the deprivation and alienation of this emotion have a great destructive effect on their psychology.
They will stay farther and farther away from their parents until they shut themselves down.
Psychologist Li Zixun said that in his clinical case, there are two diseases related to childhood neglect by parents, one is borderline personality, such people have a strong sense of uncertainty in intimate relationships, and the other is post-traumatic adaptation disorder (PTSD), which causes personality withdrawal and dependence.
Ignoring is more cruel than abandoning.
Let the child feel concerned, let them feel that the world is full of love and understanding, such a child will grow up, the heart will be more determined and warm, the personality is more independent and sound.
No matter how expensive gifts are, they are not as good as love and acceptance, and they can nourish the little heart.
Our children belong to the world in 20 years, what kind of education can lead them to the future?
Don't wait for something wrong with your child to reflect on the harm we've done to them "in the name of love."
Parents may have times when they are powerless, but we must also do our best to control our own "flood power":
Put away the knife of language and uphold gentle firmness;
Abandon the unbridled roar and learn the technique of restraint;
Let go of indifference and neglect, and give recognition and acceptance.
Open up the second pulse of parenting and achieve the complete personality of children, they will go further and more steadily than we expect.
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The author | Cornices, personal public number: the text of the cornices.
The anchor | Chu Qiao, the anchor of the Healing Department. Hima FM: Chu Qiao _ King of Poetry
Pictures | Visual China
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Introduction: Chen Hua cat, a three-dimensional extremely positive, forever 30-year-old forever romantic realist, loves himself and loves life. Pay attention to the cat's outlook on life (mmqinggan), give voice to women, analyze emotions, feel life, and transmit warmth.