Academic achievements, talent competitions, coupled with the popular Chat Baby in the circle of friends... Parents are eager to roll up their sleeves and do everything for their children.
Why are we so anxious? One reason is because we believe in a lot of popular fallacies and make ourselves too nervous and tired. Try to see if you can gently put down your anxious heart and experience the kind of parental love that only appreciates with your eyes, does not make changes, only provides encouragement and support, and does not impose oppression and burdens.
The author of this article, Zhao Yukun, the father of a 6-year-old child, is a Doctoral Student in Sino-US Joint Training Psychology, a master's degree in applied psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, and the author of the positive psychology monograph "Positive Life in the Negative Era".
He had an interesting point: Our children are all Schrödinger's dogs. What's going on? Read on and you'll know. Rational, and grounded analysis, patient reading, will be enlightening!
Although parents can't help but imagine their children's future, in the infinite number of possibilities, what kind of life your children will have is something you can't decide. No matter how anxious you are, it is impossible to eliminate the uncertainty of life's growth.
-01-
The tiger in your eyes may just be a wildcat
Many parents are in a state of excessive anxiety. The child just did not do a good math test, and his scalp was numb: "Finished, it seems that he has no mathematical talent, what can he do in the future? Mathematics is a compulsory subject in the college entrance examination, and it seems that he can't go to a good university. Can't go to a good university, isn't it over in a lifetime? ”
Then get up in the middle of the night. Searching the Internet for ways to improve your child's math scores, the next morning I went around asking where there were good math training classes, and I took my kids to pay for them in the evening.
There are also parents who seem to be unable to live without anxiety. First of all, the anxious child speaks late, the child can talk, and then the anxiety of the child is not polite and beats people; the child does not hit people, and then begins to worry that the child can not learn to spell; the child can spell, and the anxiety of the child does not take the initiative to speak in the class...
In short, the anxiety in the front has just disappeared, and the anxiety in the back has followed.
Whether anxiety is good or bad depends on the degree – the level of anxiety should match the level of danger of things. The tiger will eat you, which is very dangerous; the fox will eat your chicken, causing a great loss to your property; the wild cat will steal your fish, of course, it is also a property loss, but you work a little harder, and you can make up for it by catching more fish.
In the face of these three dangers, your anxiety levels should match the threat they pose to you: tigers produce the most anxiety, followed by foxes, and feral cats the least.
When I first arrived in the United States, I once saw a story on the Internet about a girl who wrote to her parents in China:
"Mom and Dad, I'm all right in America and recently had a boyfriend. Although he only graduated from junior high school and did not have a job, it didn't matter, I borrowed money from my classmates to use for him, because true love is priceless. He's 19 years older than me and loves me like a daughter, and I love that feeling.
He sometimes hits me when he's unhappy, but I don't blame him, because it's always me who makes him angry first. He has many hobbies, such as skiing. We went skiing together last week and he pulled me up the underworld and I broke both legs. So, I'm lying in the hospital writing this letter to you...
Well, in fact, none of the above has happened, I am all right in the United States, I have no boyfriend, and I am in good health, but this semester I have a homework that has not passed. ”
Apparently, the girl was afraid that her parents would be angry or too worried about her failure to pass her homework, and she fabricated the worse scenes in front of her, first scaring her parents, and waiting until her parents were extremely worried before saying the real problem she was experiencing.
By this time, her parents must have discovered that failing their homework, a problem they had been very worried about before (wildcat level), was not a big problem compared to their daughter's life in danger, breaking two legs, and being cheated by an old man (tiger level).
In the process of growing up, there will always be problems of one kind or another.
Some of these problems belong to the tiger level, for example, those that seriously affect the health of children, and even threaten children's lives with major diseases and accidents;
Some belong to the fox level, although not fatal, but may significantly affect the child's future, such as moral character, social disorders, learning disabilities and so on.
And most of the questions, which only belong to the feral cat level, will not adversely affect the child in the long run, such as failing an exam, not interested in the interest class you arranged, and having a fight with other children on the playground...
When you encounter a tiger-level problem, you should be unable to sleep all night, anxious, and try to solve it by all means. When encountering fox-level problems, you should attach great importance to it, study it carefully, and solve it step by step. When you encounter those feral cat level problems, you must also deal with them, but there is no need to stay up all night and make a big fuss.
If you are anxious about some problems that have little impact and can reverse or greatly mitigate the consequences, it seems that life and death are at stake, and the future is here. These excessive anxieties are self-inflicted.
-02-
Too much anxiety, beware of being stupid
Excessive anxiety causes you to use too many resources to solve a secondary problem that is not worth the loss in the long run. I'll give you three examples of simple mistakes that people make in a state of excessive anxiety.
1. Underestimate the opportunity cost of choice
My son is 6 years old this year, and the most parents talk about together is what tutoring classes to enroll their children in.
"Before the age of 6 is the first sensitive period for learning a foreign language, you must start early." I heard that the foreign teachers of the × × training institution are good, so let's report it together. ”
"Now there are requirements in primary schools, people must know 100 words when they are in school, and they can do addition and subtraction within 10." Young articulation must be done, let's fight a class together. ”
"The Olympic number should be grasped from the doll, and in the future, when the small ascension is first, you can add points." If the child can win the Olympic mathematics competition, all the cattle schools (the top key schools) are rushing to get it. Go report one. ”
At this time, I am generally the one who makes everyone unhappy, and I don't report this, and I don't learn that. Therefore, some parents came to persuade me: "Children have time anyway, idle is idle, learn more things, art more do not press the body, and do not lose anything, right?" ”
That's not right! Children lose the opportunity to choose other options and pay the opportunity cost. Opportunity Cost is an economic concept that refers to the maximum value of something else that is to be given up in order to get something.
In general, even if adults do not know the concept of opportunity cost, they instinctively consider opportunity cost when making choices.
For example, if someone pursues you, you think about other potential suitors and compare them; you go to find a job, you receive an offer from a company, and you have to wait and see if any other company wants to hire you; not to mention that if you invest, whether it's buying stocks or buying a house, you know that if you buy this stock or this house, you can't buy that stock or that house, so you have to choose carefully.
But when it comes to parenting, parents are not so rational. English, literacy, math, which is not important? There are also manual (hands-on skills), piano (receiving musical influence and improving mathematical skills), children's programming (that is the most important skill in the future)... Shouldn't we all learn?
But have you ever thought about it, there are many things that are beneficial to the growth of children, but the child's time is limited.
What is the most important thing in a limited time? Parents tend to focus on energyized knowledge, such as English word count, literacy, and math problems, while ignoring the cultivation of unquantifiable abilities, such as autonomy, social skills, creativity, etc.
But in the long run, what determines what a child will accomplish in life? Autonomy, social skills, and creativity are at least no less important than book knowledge and exam skills, and the cultivation of these abilities also takes time and opportunity.
Children can have used the time of the tutoring class to play freely, the "blind play" in the eyes of parents, in fact, has an irreplaceable educational function - in addition to cultivating the child's ability to explore, the most important thing is to exercise the child's ability to choose independently, so that the child slowly learns to make their own decisions.
If a child is arranged by his parents for various activities all day long, and he has to listen to the teacher's instructions in the activities, how can he develop the ability to make his own decisions?
If the child uses this time to play blindly with his friends on the playground and in the park, it is even better, which can exercise social skills and improve physical fitness.
Even if it is in a daze, it is not a waste of time, but a retreat to creativity, because when people are in a daze, the brain is not turned off and rested, but starts the "default mode network", which is the source of creativity.
Excessive anxiety about their children's future makes it impossible for parents to make rational judgments about the actual costs and real benefits of various opportunities.
Why do parents consider opportunity costs when investing and seeking jobs, and when it comes to children's education, they lose their resistance to various "ability improvement opportunities" and ignore opportunity costs?
The root cause is excessive anxiety about the child's future, making them unable to make rational judgments about the actual costs and real benefits of various opportunities.
2. It is easy to generalize and draw conclusions in a disorderly manner
While my son was in toddler, a parent of a child in the same class said to me, "I also want to raise children according to the method you told me, but I can't." My child is too bad, not a little competitive, how can I not give him make-up lessons? ”
I also know this little friend - very lively and cute, and I wonder why her parents would say that she is too bad: "How is she so bad?" I don't think it's worse than others. ”
The parent pulled out his mobile phone and said as he swiped the screen of his mobile phone to show me.
"You see, this is a painting drawn by a child in their class, how vivid! Our kids now only draw circles! This is a diary written by a child in their class, and everyone can write so many words, but my children can only write their own names now! And this video, you listen, the child who learned the piano with her played, only 5 years old and played it so well. What about my kids? Telling her to take piano lessons was like killing her! ”
"You don't seem to be talking about the same child, are you?" You let your child draw better than the one who draws, the best child who writes better than the one who writes, the best kid who plays the piano than the one who plays the piano, and of course your own child can't do it. ”
"How can it be compared if it weren't so much?! Is it better to draw than to draw, to write than to to play the piano? Isn't that a Q? ”
"Of course you can't compare that much, you have to compare yourself with most people."
This parent made the mistake of sampling bias, that is, to generalize with partial generalization. When she is looking for a husband, she will not compare her husband with the richest man, the appearance with the actor, the IQ with Einstein, and the figure of C Luobi, because reasonable people know that it does not mean average.
But with WeChat, it's different. The children who send out the children's drawings in the class group are definitely the parents of the children who draw particularly well. If there are 40 students in a class, and 4 parents send them, it is only 10% of the class size, but you see 4 children drawing beautiful pictures a day, can you still hold your breath? You know, this is not the painting of the distant geniuses of the art school, they are all the same class of children.
At this point, you've forgotten that it's just the top 10 percent of the best drawn in the class, and mistakenly thought it was the average class.
To make matters worse, it is particularly easy for parents to bring together the advantages of different children and become the legendary "children of other people's families".
"Someone else's child" is a fictional character like his dream lover, Prince Charming. When you buy a car, you don't have to have the safety of a German car, the fuel economy of a Japanese car, the spaciousness of an American car, and finally the price of a domestic car.
But when it comes to children, he has the courage to compare his grades with the first place in the class today, his body and sports top tomorrow, and his emotions and "well-behaved" children the day after tomorrow.
You know, in this world, except for "my children", it is all "other people's children", which is equivalent to letting the children win the world alone. Is this fair? Can the child bear it?
This is also a mistake of sampling bias, using fictional characters as real samples.
These are mistakes that you don't make when you're looking for a husband or buying a car, so why do you make them with your children?
Because you are too anxious, too worried about the impact of those "qualities" and indicators on the child. When you are overly anxious about your child's future, you will repeatedly check your child's indicators, preferring to go up too much than to loosen up.
But these indicators do not determine the life and death of the child, most of the indicators will not even have a significant impact on the child's future, such an unobjective, inaccurate comparison, will only make you pay too much attention to those things that are not so important at all, bringing unbearable pressure to the child, and is not beneficial to the child's growth.
3, anxiety followed by anxiety, endless
At my son's elementary school parent-teacher conference, the school asked parents to talk about the issues they were most concerned about.
Parents of first-graders said: "Our children have just entered school, and they are particularly worried about the problem of early childhood connection. Children have been loose before, can they adapt to the rhythm of primary school? I saw that the child had to get up so early every day, and he had not taken a nap at noon, and I was worried that his small body could not be carried. ”
Parents of second-graders said, "Oh, you don't have to worry about these problems, your child's adaptability is very strong, and it is good to adjust your work and rest habits." You should pay attention to the children's relationship with other children, I think this is the biggest challenge in elementary school. Everyone has been together for six years, if the class atmosphere is not friendly, there is a phenomenon of exclusion and bullying, what can be done? ”
Parents of third- and fourth-graders said, "You guys are all small problems, what do you have to worry about in the first and second grades?" Just have fun. In the third and fourth grades, the school began to worsen, and you knew that the parents were not good. Children's grades are not ideal in the class, and we all have to review where we are doing wrong and how we can better help our children learn. ”
The parents of the fifth and sixth grade students said: "You are all floating clouds, and the beginning of the primary school is the key." Children can't go to a good junior high school, and there is no hope for a good high school, let alone a good university, and the rest of their lives will be ruined. For the sake of our children's junior high school, we couldn't sleep for several nights. ”
It's not surprising that I listened, because from the day my child was born, I was used to the conversation patterns of the parents around me. The parents of the two-year-old will guide the parents of the 1-year-old and say, "Don't worry about his walking problem, I used to worry that our child would not walk until 15 months, but now he runs as fast as other children!" You have to pay attention to the language, don't think that he can't understand, talk to him more, otherwise his language ability will lag behind at the age of two. ”
Parents of 4-year-olds will say to the parents of 3-year-olds: "Shy? Don't dare play with other children? That's not a problem! At the age of 4, children naturally dare. I was too worried when the child was 3 years old, pushed too tightly, forcing the child to play with other children, you see him now, bullied by others do not know angry, but also behind the ass of others, oh sad me! ”
The most interesting thing is that this is sometimes the same parent. She worries about walking badly when she is 1 year old, talking late at 2 years old, shyness and no friends at 3 years old, cowardice and being bullied at 4 years old, discomfort in the first and second grades of primary school, not keeping up with grades in grades three or four, and not being able to go to good junior high school in grades in fifth and sixth grades...
The previous question was successfully solved, and she did not reflect on why she was so anxious: "This problem does not seem so terrible, why was I so worried in the first place?" Instead, he immediately pounced on the next question and continued to worry.
This is a typical feature of people with excessive anxiety, and anxiety does not disappear with the disappearance of the problem. When there are tigers, anxious tigers, when there are no tigers, imagine wildcats as tigers to continue to be anxious.
If you repeatedly make mistakes in your judgment at work, but never look for the reason and continue the original judgment mode, the boss may have talked to you a long time ago, but in the process of parenting, you have naturally made a mistake in judgment. Why is that? Perhaps it's the excessive anxiety that makes you quickly forget about these mistakes and quickly turn your attention to the next danger that emerges on the horizon.
-03-
Your children are all "Schrödinger's dogs"
When they grow up, they may become sales dogs, program dogs, nurse dogs, and maybe scientific research dogs, training dogs, and entrepreneurial dogs. They have gradually experienced high school dogs, college dogs, graduate dogs, some are biological dogs, chemical dogs, some are historical dogs, comic dogs, all have to be single dogs for a period of time, most of them will become domestic dogs. If you're lucky, it's all mortgage dogs...
But you don't know exactly what kind of dog your child will become, like Schrödinger's cat.
When the child lands on the ground, knows nothing, can't do anything, how can he slowly grow into that naughty ghost? How did you get so many weird things in your head? How did he become a steady, responsible, hard-working, and contributing person to society? I often feel that if anyone claims to understand parenting, he must not understand.
Schrödinger's dog is the most amazing thing about parenting – your child has endless possibilities to become a dog of all kinds. That is, you have children who are now superimposed in various dog states. However, with the passage of time, the infinite variety of dog states in his body will collapse infinitely many times every day. Eventually, he will only become a dog (of course, he may also become a slash dog).
The above translation of the adult words is: your child has an infinite variety of possibilities for life, but these various possibilities are reducing dimensions and merging every day, and finally in reality, he will only take a life path.
Childhood children, like microscopic particles, are inherently uncertain. This uncertainty, of course, will cause you anxiety, which is understandable. But don't forget that the problem you have to face is only a Schrödinger dog, not Schrödinger's cat.
Schrödinger's cat is a matter of life and death. If your child is seriously ill, or takes drugs or joins the underworld, it is uncertain whether he can survive normally, and you should be so anxious that you can't sleep day and night.
Schrödinger's dog had to face only the problem of direction. Did he study liberal arts or science? What if a boy doesn't like finance and computers, but likes to draw and read?
None of these questions affected the nature of his life. Liberal arts dogs and science dogs, perhaps one type of dog has a better future than another type of dog, but which type of dog can live a wonderful life; financial dogs, IT dogs and art dogs, edit dogs, statistics can show which type of dog can eat more meat and bones, but each profession can bring fun and a sense of achievement.
Which is better? It's really hard to tell. Maybe in your eyes, hounds are better than pugs, and black dogs are better than white dogs, but your baby dog may not think so. Maybe in the end you will find that no matter what kind of life, it has its own unique value and joy. These choices are far less heavy than you think.
What's more, no matter how anxious you are, you can't eliminate the uncertainty of life's growth. Human observations don't determine where the particles are, and your upbringing doesn't completely determine your child's future. So why not embrace this uncertainty?
Opportunities that were previously impossible are constantly emerging. A child can live a good life by doing things that as long as a thousand people like it, and each person is willing to pay five hundred yuan a year for his services, and in the Internet age, it is not difficult at all to find a thousand people.
So, let your child be a Schrödinger dog. Let him experience the wonder of exploring the unknown world, let him feel the pride of perfecting himself in constant trial and error and correction. Every experience is an exploration of the infinite number of possibilities.
Since you can't preset your child's future, embrace this uncertain future with an open mind. What you lose is the anxiety of worrying that your child will deviate from the path of life you have designed, and what you will get will be the surprise of the child's own creation of the future.
When we are able to let go of anxiety and have a peaceful mindset, perhaps, it is the most beneficial help for the growth of the child. The growth of parents is the bridge between children and the world.