01
Before my son went to junior high school, I heard many people say to me: "I really envy you, there are old people to help you with children!" ”
Yes, for the "dual-worker" families who work hard in the workplace, it is really a very happy thing that the elderly can help pick up and take care of children's learning.
However, at that time, I did not realize that the laziness I had stolen needed to be repaid by my children and me.
My in-laws are both retired elementary school teachers, and my husband and I are very relieved to leave our sons to discipline them.
The first grade entrance examination, the school according to the grade Z parallel class, but the son's student number is 01 in the boys, indicating that the exam played well, at that time I also took a "reassuring pill":
Due to the early enlightenment, coupled with the strict discipline of the grandparents, the son's learning foundation is still relatively good.
But in the second year of junior high school, my son's academic performance began to slowly decline. From the class teacher, I privately learned that my son's ranking fell rapidly, not only in the class to the middle, but also to the middle of the grade.
What made me most angry was that the class teacher reported to me that he often copied homework with his classmates.
I realized the seriousness of the problem: my son was gradually becoming a poor student!
02
The child's father basically came home at 9 o'clock every night, and I usually came back after dinner at the unit.
But after learning about my son's learning situation with the class teacher that time, I decided not to work overtime, get off work every day, have dinner with my son, and then learn more about the reasons for the child's regression.
After dinner at 7 p.m., I noticed my son often sitting at his desk in a daze.
When I asked him what he was rubbing, why didn't he hurry up and write, he wrote a few strokes slowly.
I asked him again how he had stopped writing, and he complained that the homework was too difficult.
I took it and looked at it, it is the basic full-class proof, even the auxiliary line does not need to be added, how can it be so simple?
Watching him either in a daze or without thinking, I was so angry that my blood pressure soared.
Not only is it grinding at home, but the state of being at school is also worrying.
At the parent-teacher meeting after the middle of the second term of the first year, the teacher told me that my son's learning momentum was not high, he did not pay attention to the lectures, as if he could not raise any interest in learning, and he did not seem to be interested in anything, so let me pay attention to his mental health in adolescence.
I listened to myself uncontrollably, and when I got home, I calculated with his old account and new account:
Only the second grade of mathematics failed, what do you think?
Do you want to go to high school like this?!
My son stared at me with tears in his eyes, the same look as he looked at the enemy:
You've never thought I couldn't do it anyway!
Say I'm not clever, say I'm slow to react, in the eyes of my grandparents, I can't do anything well, and now you say the same thing about me as they do!
Looking at my son's collapse, I was shocked:
I didn't expect my son to have such a low evaluation of himself!
03
After calming down, I had a patient conversation with my son.
My son told me that he was a stupid child, not as talented as anyone in the class, and not as smart as anyone: "I just can't learn a lot of things, and my IQ is not high enough." ”
I wondered why he saw himself so much?
"My grandparents used to say that about me." The son bowed his head and was depressed.
After a detailed understanding, I understood that it turned out that it was the in-laws' educational philosophy and speaking habits that caused him a psychological shadow.
When the in-laws were primary school teachers, they pursued traditional "percussion" education, and the children in the class were always obedient. Therefore, they also mainly speak harshly about their grandson, constantly belittling and suppressing him:
The son made a mistake, "Look at you, look at others." ”
The son did not learn to understand, "Oh this child is stupid, it is far worse than your father when he was a child!" ”
The son scored a perfect score, There is nothing to be proud of, don't your tail! How many 100 tests do you have in your class? Ah, so much, which means that the full score is not worth much...
I don't know when it started, my son defined himself: In fact, you are right, I just can't do anything.
The child is so self-abandoned, the mother can't be happy anyway.
But I also understand that the child's problem is not caused by two days a day, and it is a bit difficult to return.
Elementary school knowledge is small, the difficulty is low, there is no ranking in the exam, and the teacher basically praises every child, so I don't think there is anything unusual about my son's learning.
My son Xiaosheng was assigned to an ordinary junior high school, and the placement test score was good, so I was happy for a long time.
Every day after dinner, I came home, and when I came home, my son wrote his homework behind closed doors and did not talk to me, and we often could not say two words a night.
I really regret that I found out the problem so late!
Complaining that my in-laws were useless, regretting that I was lazy and useless, and I had to do something for my son.
04
My junior high school son no longer needs in-laws to pick up and drop off, and after discussing with my husband, let my in-laws go back to their homes to enjoy a comfortable life.
And I changed jobs and focused on my family and on my son.
Every day I get up early to make breakfast, make dinner in the evening, let my husband take home the work to make, and then every day our family of three eats dinner together. Watch a variety show while eating, and chat and comment. Every dinner, basically eat a full hour.
You might say that it's too long to finish eating for so long, right? However, after a month of doing this, I can clearly feel that the smile on my son's face has increased, and even when he goes into the house to study, he no longer closes the door.
In order to better help my son catch up with the progress of learning, I began to read books and articles on family education, hoping that through my own education and guidance, I could help my son get out of the nightmare of "low self-evaluation".
05
I quickly understood a truth in my studies:
A parent who is stingy about praising his or her child will surely make his child unable to praise them. What adults say to their children, whether they are praise or accusations, will form a "fixed trend" in the child's psychology and feedback from his subsequent actions.
When a child grows up, there will always be many moments of making mistakes, disobedient behaviors, children who are often humiliated and suppressed, he has a violent temper, self-exile, and a negative and pessimistic view of things.
Some parents use "percussion education" to motivate their children, which only destroys their children's self-esteem and backfires.
The philosopher James said: "The essence of human nature is the desire to appreciate, especially children, appreciation can make children grow into towering trees, and depreciation can make children wither and deform."
Therefore, parental criticism or praise will greatly affect children's emotions and behavior.
If parents always like to belittle their children and deny their children, they will cause their children to have low self-esteem and inferiority, think that they are not good, bad, and lose the motivation to work hard to get better.
And the most important thing for children to learn is the internal drive. A child who has lost his internal drive is numb to his parents' education and criticism, saying that he will not feel ashamed of anything, and his learning will naturally become worse and worse.
Parents' expectations, trust and love can add impetus to the growth and change of children, and even become the key to their children's success.
A child who continues to receive positive expectations will grow endlessly.
Realizing that my in-laws' wrong way of education has caused so much harm to my son, I am not qualified to complain about my in-laws, and I can only regret that I did not spend more time with my children.
Now when I meet my in-laws with children, I always advise them not to let the elderly take the children if they can't let the elderly take the children. Unless, the elderly only care about the child's eating and drinking, education, leisure, and growth must be managed by parents themselves.
Children worry more when they are young, and they can worry less after the age of 18.
06
Child education experts once said: Good children are exaggerated.
How to boast, we must pay attention to skill.
▼ Praise the child's enterprising and hard work
Compared with praising a child for being smart, praising his efforts can better stimulate the internal drive of children's learning.
Boasting intelligence will make children feel that doing a good job and learning a subject well is because of their own talent, not under their control, if you change to an area where you have no talent, or the difficulty increases, it will make the child worry about his failure because of lack of talent, so he chooses to give up.
Children who are praised for their efforts will think that as long as they work hard enough, they will continue to improve and achieve results, so they are more willing to accept the challenge.
▼ Praise should be meaningful and pay attention to detail
The more specific the praise, the more attention to detail, it is equivalent to pointing out the direction of the child's efforts.
For example, when a child writes a good essay, don't just say "well written" and "awesome" such as empty encouragement, but point out the details: "This sentence is very realistic, making the whole article vivid." "Not a single wrong question, very serious!"
In this way, the child will gradually understand what aspects of improvement will make the whole better.
▼ Give your child unconditional love
Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, once said: What parents must not do to their children is to belittle.
Every child is unique and has different abilities and preferences.
If parents compare their children's deficiencies with others, then the blow will be all-encompassing and eternal.
Acknowledge this difference and help your child develop their strengths and make up for their shortcomings. In the face of children's temporary backwardness, do not rush to blame, but give children tolerance and acceptance.
Unconditional love from parents will give children a great sense of security, make him full of confidence, dare to challenge, in the effort again and again, his potential will be fully developed, in a positive direction.
When your child feels loved and trusted, miracles will soon appear before your eyes.
After practicing with my son and praising my son for more than two months, my son's changes exceeded my expectations.
The constant encouragement gave him the confidence that he no longer considered himself a useless "stupid kid", but instead believed that by making a little progress every day, he could do better.
After this final exam, I asked the class teacher about my son's ranking.
The class teacher praised his son for making great progress, not only did the homework in the final review stage be done well, the correction was timely, and the grades were also ranked in the middle of the grade.
At noon on the day of winter break, I took a leave of absence to pick up my son from school. He said to me excitedly: "Mom, my general evaluation of all subjects is excellent, and I have been rated as a good student!" ”
I'll never forget the look on his face when he was so happy that he flew up.
As a mother, what could be more satisfying than seeing your child happy, improving, and satisfying?
My efforts have finally helped my son regain his self-confidence, and I will continue for another 5 years, cooking for him every day before he goes to college, and staying with him every night.
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When the child is young, worry more,
After the age of 18, you can worry less.
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