Text | Yo-yo Mom
Official number | Yo-Yo Mom German Parenting
In last week's book list, I recommended the book "Choice 3" that I have been most inspired by recently.
I think everyone has some resonance when they read this book. At our age, sooner or later in life, we have encountered some difficulties, perhaps in the process of getting along with family, perhaps with friends, or in work and career.
And this book tells the truth: the reason why we feel trapped in it and difficult to get out is often because we are setting limits for ourselves to think that life is an AB multiple choice problem.
Either I want it or I don't; either listen to you or listen to me; either continue to work, or choose to jump ship...
But if we are willing to give up our own limits, there is actually a third option in life, a choice that transcends the original option and allows everyone to grow.
To achieve the third choice of thinking, the author Covey proposes four steps: I see myself - > I see you - > I find you - > I work with you, but also let us see this thinking whether it is in the family, school, workplace, or society, or even some national events, can exert its powerful power
I've always wanted to talk to you about the contents of this book, but because there are so many insights, I can't finish one...
Today's article will write about the first step of these four steps, "I see myself", and talk about how it can help us in our family conflicts. Although it is only a small part, I think it is enough to make people suddenly enlightened!
In fact, most family conflicts, in the final analysis, stem from the way people deal with differences.
You must know that there are no two people with exactly the same values in the world, so when two people form a family and get along day and night, there will be differences and conflicts
But the difference is that some thinking will amplify small differences into big differences, and finally even become irreconcilable contradictions;
And some minds will see differences as opportunities to run in, and turn small differences into the growth of two people and grow into better looks.
This is the 3rd choice thinking in the family.
Two people from different original families with different ideas and outlooks on life see each other's highlights in the differences, learn and explore each other, and create their own new home culture, so that everyone in it can find their own value. Eventually 1+1 will be greater than 2.
If you want to do this, it is not difficult to say that it is difficult, it is not simple to say that it is simple, and the first step is to see yourself first.
We all tend to say to ourselves:
"He doesn't care about me at all",
"He's too selfish",
"As soon as he has time, he knows to play games, the child is crying, but he can't hear it at all, it's too irresponsible",
These complaints are common human feelings, but if you always have this idea of finding reasons from others, it is difficult to move towards the third choice.
I also know that it's too hard not to let myself think that way. Why should we be willing to be complete, endure the "selfish" behavior of our teammates, and we are so dedicated, and we also hope to get the care of our teammates!
The key to changing this "I am wrong" thinking is to realize one thing:
All your thoughts and feelings are not the truth, it is like a mirror, the only thing that can be seen is our own heart.
That's too abstract to say, but let's take an example
I had a period of time before the public name was particularly busy, so Marx took on a lot of tasks to take care of Ran ran, so that he who was already very busy with work and housework was busy, busy and busy, and I was very overwhelmed with guilt.
As a result, during that time, when I heard Ran ran crying, my heart would immediately feel guilty; sometimes when I saw Marx sitting on the sofa and emptying, I would hint in my heart: It was because of me that he was so tired, and he must be complaining about me in his heart.
In fact, now that I am out of that state of mind, I look back and think it's not a big deal. However, crying, Marx loves to let go, it is normal, and at that time, because of my own guilt, the whole person was enchanted, and nothing was right.
If Marx had asked again at that time, "It is so late, why has the work not been completed?" ”
I would bring myself in, thinking he was feeling guilty for complaining that I was spending too much time at work and not taking care of my family; or taking the complaint as an attack and taking a defensive response: "Either I want to be so late, or there are too many things, and I have worked very hard!" ”
And the sentence "So late, why hasn't the work been done yet?" "At other times, I'm likely to interpret it as concern and heartache for me, wishing I had an early break."
So you see, many times our thoughts are not a reflection of the external world, but a reflection of our own inner world!
It is precisely because of this that we can withdraw a little bit and peek into our true inner needs by looking at our feelings more, that is, seeing ourselves.
Unfortunately, many times, we can't see our own hearts, we only see ourselves at the emotional and ideological level.
This sentence, I take an example from the book to explain it~
The wife and her husband were walking together, and the wife suddenly said, "It's so cold here!" ”
But the husband was suddenly provoked at this point, and retorted: "Where will it be cold, it is now 21 degrees!" ”
Here, he understands her cold feelings as an attack on him, "If she says cold, it must feel like it's my fault, I didn't make her happy, didn't keep her warm." Then, for self-preservation, he began to belittle her feelings.
"But I'm just cold, why do you say it won't be cold, and you're not me." So the two men were caught up in a battle.
But what are they fighting for? Is it a truth? Who makes more sense?
No, they're fighting for a sense of self-worth.
Maybe the husband's self-worth is based on his own ability, and he feels that he should be a big man who can be relied on by his wife, so when the wife says cold, he will see it as an attack on his own value.
Perhaps the wife's self-worth is based on her husband's love for her, and she thinks that she will be a complete person only if she is loved, so she will take her husband's rebuttal as a signal that she does not love herself.
But this level of self-worth many people do not see, only see the emotional level of "the wife complains that I am incompetent" and "the husband does not love me", so communication only stays at the emotional level.
It all starts with yourself. The deeper root of many family conflicts is hidden in self-knowledge, so we must see ourselves and must also see ourselves, so that it is possible to break through the predicament and find the 3rd choice.
Most family conflicts are actually cognitive conflicts. If my self-worth is threatened, I attack someone else's self-worth
Those who are particularly angry are not how bad their temperament is, but their sense of self is very fragile, and they always regard a little wind and grass from the outside world as an attack on themselves.
As a result, they become hostile, often denying others, blaming others, and blaming others, which is a way for them to protect their self-worth
We all tend to seek our own life value from what others say about us. This may be due to the comparative culture in the original family, as well as the competitive culture of our society.
"Why can't you be as obedient as your brother",
"My sister scored 100 points this time, my sister is amazing, you have to learn from her",
"Why can't you study as hard as other children"
It is often heard that "flattering personalities" are actually due to the low sense of self-worth and the need to constantly seek a sense of value from the outside world.
But there is one thing we need to recognize: self-worth is something that others cannot give, and we must give it ourselves.
So then there's a question: how do you give it to yourself?
"You forced me to do this",
"I really can't do anything about it",
"You're going too far"
When we are angry, we always feel that it is the cause of others. But in fact, no one has forced you to use anger to control anger!
When someone else's words irritate you, you may go back or swallow without thinking, like a well-written program, or a good clockwork, directly giving conditioned reflexes.
In fact, there should be no reflex between external stimuli and self-response, unlike other species, we humans are free to decide how to react.
The book points out that there is still a space between external stimuli and self-response.
This space allows you to make free choices and become an independent and complete person. In this space, you can see yourself and discover your greatest value.
From soul painters
To achieve this state, there are two steps.
Step 1: We need to be aware of the existence of this space.
The reality is that the vast majority of people are unaware of this mental space and have never been in it. But don't mistakenly think that staying in this space for a while is to give yourself a little time to calm down your anger, not to act impulsively, to be patient.
Not at all, realizing that this space says:
I have the freedom to choose how to react to any stimulus, and no one can force me to feel or do anything with my objections.
Maybe I can't control what happens to me, but I have the ability to decide how to think, how to feel, and how to take action.
You can stop in this space and think about what you value most, and naturally, you can make your own inner decisions.
I believe that any mother will have that kind of crazy, intolerable moment, when the child challenges your bottom line again and again, you can roar back at the ta with anger and shock the ta with your anger.
Or, you can allow yourself to pause in this space for a while, think about your love for your child, and think about this is a good opportunity to help your child learn the rules... That way, you may know what kind of treatment you want most.
In the second step, we have to practice deliberately.
Perhaps as long as you are aware of this mental space, you can suddenly be enlightened, and instantly feel that in the face of various "stimuli" of your teammates, you can make yourself rational and online, and make the right response.
However, this new mode of thinking will be accidentally beaten back to its original form, and when the next time we face the stimulus, but it is too late to sort out the thoughts, the old thinking mode will reflexively enter the mind, allowing us to react without thinking.
Developing new thinking is like developing new skills and growing new muscles, which requires constant and deliberate practice.
The book gives the example of a family therapist who is good at helping domestic violence abusers control their impulses, and what he does is guide the abuser to think deeply in this space.
Over the next month, the perpetrators received 750 different training sessions, each time in a conflict situation, and then they had to think about what they really wanted and then react appropriately.
These deliberate trainings help the brain form new circuits, establish new "mental reflexes," and eventually become a habit.
Although we don't have the help of experts, we can arrange some deliberate training for ourselves. Give it a try and ask yourself to stay in this space once a day.
When facing conflict, maybe when your husband doesn't understand your efforts, maybe it's when your mother-in-law disagrees with you and argues, maybe it's the child's unreasonable and unreasonable trouble, don't rush to give your conditioned reflexes, but tell yourself that there is a self-space, and I can find myself in it.
To experience your own feelings, is it sadness, anger, or grievance?
What do these feelings actually reflect your self-perception?
What part of my self-worth is at stake?
What do I crave...
You can also try to think of these as a "see yourself" diary, insisting on writing them down bit by bit. It may be very difficult at first, but as long as you keep going, you will definitely see the self you want to be more, and the difficulties in life will gradually disappear.
Because, that's how I used to come.
Well, about the "I see myself" part, I will share it here today, if you like, please click "Watching", or leave a message to tell me that I can continue to interpret the other steps of the four steps for you!