Hello teacher, I am 50 years old this year, my daughter is 23 years old this year, looks, family background, talent and other aspects are very good, but I can't understand how children talk about a relationship will always be so troubled and lost, often very uncontroversial mood is low, bad mood in the room crying.
She had two emotional experiences, the first was when the boy proposed to break up, she saved most of the year, and then the look of pain made me think about it now is too terrible, I was very reluctant to see her like that again, I felt that our whole family was about to be destroyed at that time. This time she talked to the boy for almost three years, half a year ago she said that they had a big conflict, she talked about the desire for stability, want to work with the boys for the future, buy a house, study together, but at that time the boy was very silent, saying that those things that were too far away he could not give her any promises and guarantees, after all, his own work is not very stable now, how the future is, he is also very confused.
After hearing this, she asked the boy if he was going to break up, and the boy said silently, no. Then they said something else and hung up the phone. Since that time, she has shown that the loss and loss are very serious, often because the boy does not reply to the message in a second, but she does not dare to question the boy, is not in love, to break up.
Every day she gets up very low, lately she often cries in her room, I don't know how to persuade her, I don't understand, with her looks and the conditions of our family, how can she not be tough? Her father often scolded her and said that she didn't have a little backbone, and I also felt that as a girl, she didn't consider her face at all? Why do you wronged yourself so much? What she told me was that she couldn't do what we said she was, and she was miserable.
Now looking at this child, I do feel that my heart has been consumed, sometimes I don't want to pay attention to her at all, let her fend for herself, but I think, if I don't care about her, she has any problems on her own and finally wants me to help her clean up, I think she really hates the iron her father's temper is very grumpy, often punching and kicking her, this I also have no way, I can only maneuver between them, I myself is a special screw, sometimes the child wants something, I think not, But looking at her disappointed expression, I was very remorseful, so I would buy her back. His father often said that the child was spoiled by me, and I wondered why she did not cherish our dedication as a parent to her, but always clinged to her boyfriend, and the other party was particularly happy with her concern, and the other party did not do anything and she was sad.
Consultant Reply:
Hello lady, the pattern presented by the child's love problem is worth exploring.
The problem that children present in their feelings: their sense of self-worth is relatively low.
Let's look specifically at the child's sense of self-worth, where does a child's sense of self-worth come from, at the beginning from the way the main parent treats himself, here you talk about your own treatment of children without principles and boundaries, such as when buying things, because you can't bear the child's disappointed and disappointed expression, you will trigger inner self-blame, and then start to put into action to spend money to buy things for children.
Such a move is more chaotic for the child, making her feel confused about her own needs, such as whether I am worth my mother buying me or not? If it is worth it, then why did my mother not directly express yes at the beginning, but let me experience rejection, I feel that I do not deserve it, but when I feel that I am not worthy, why did my mother agree and buy it for me? Am I worth getting? I don't know, it feels so chaotic, then her sense of self-worth will be unstable, very ethereal.
On the other hand, the child's father is grumpy, often punching and kicking her, such a parenting style to cultivate the child is easy to lack of security, resulting in two extremes, one is a special rejection of violence, instinctively in the search for the other half of the time to block out very violent people, one is to repeatedly experience the experience of being irritable, that is, will find a very grumpy person.
From your description, I can see that your child is very weak, powerless to resist, and the words behind her reaction are that I myself am very weak, and what I say and do is ignored and rejected, so I can only attach myself to the stronger and be protected, so that I am safe. This will make her show a attachment psychology in her relationship, seek a symbiotic relationship, and even let the other party swallow herself or swallow the other person herself.
When the child's sense of self-worth is gradually formed, it will become a pattern internalized into the self, no matter how good the child is in all aspects of the outside, what she experiences internally is that the self is not good, it is not worth it, and it will bring a lot of twists and turns with her feelings, which is part of the factors that affect her in the relationship, so how to enhance the child's sense of self-worth is the aspect to be considered.
Shanghai Psychological Counseling - Good Psychologist - Shanghai Lotte Psychological Counseling Center