Parents who bring their children home for the New Year, children can always become the focus of the topic.
"Come, generously, show everyone a show";
"Just sing a song!" Why doesn't this child go on the table? Come down."
"It's all right, the child is still young," the relative next to him played the round field. But the child's mother is still breathing.
Such a New Year's scene not only happens every year, but also may be something we have experienced when we were young.
As everyone knows, this has formed an impact on children's mental health.
When the child in the case returns to his mother, the mother does not end there, and there is often a critical education.
Most parents who want to try to motivate their children by humiliating their children will have the following words:
You're so stupid, how come you can't even think of this?
I knew you couldn't do it, you've always been stupid.
It's you again, right? Why is the person who went wrong, always you?
Can you be mature, keep the rules, and don't always cause trouble for others!
Why are you crying all the time? Annoying?!
Why are these words so harmful to children? Because shame is usually interpreted as "I'm bad, and you think I'm bad."
When children think they are bad and those around them think so, they feel unloved and undesirable because they are bad, and thus form a feeling of rejection.
This feeling triggers fear because they subconsciously rely on adults to meet their needs. Adult rejection is a matter of life and death for them.
Shame means you're a mistake. Maybe now you can understand why some children cry and shout when they are in a hurry: Then why did you give birth to me?
Xia Lan said that her mother had been a demeaning and sarcastic education for herself since she was a child. When I was a child, I didn't understand it, and I was stunned by my mother.
After reading junior high school, Xia Lan once asked her mother, "Why do you always say this about me?" ”
But my mother said with a straight face: "When I was a child, your grandmother taught me this way." After being "educated" every time, the same mistake mom will not make again. ”
Experiencing a brief outburst of shame, while it would feel painful, passed quickly. This experience will remain in the memory forever because the intensity of the emotion is high. To avoid experiencing such pain again, we try to avoid behaviors that would lead to humiliation.
It seems that this inheritance of education reflects the mother's "good intentions".
But here's the point: Shame doesn't allow your child to develop positive emotions and outcomes, it only allows children who experience it to create a lot of counterproductive, subconscious, and harmful coping methods.
First, limit children's self-awareness and reflective ability
When a child experiences shame repeatedly, the brain creates coping mechanisms that can alleviate this painful feeling. This will inhibit the child's ability to reflect.
It has to do with brain function. Reflection depends on the prefrontal cortex of our brains. But when a person is constantly threatened or humiliated, brain function is "offline." Because of feeling uneasy and panicked, their brains strike so that they cannot reflect.
When a child is unable to reflect, self-awareness cannot develop.
Second, develop a low sense of self-evaluation and low value
The first point we mentioned is that because of constant humiliation, the brain is unable to reflect and develop a healthy sense of self.
At this time, the recognition of self-worth often comes from critics. The resulting self-evaluation is:
1. I'm a loser.
2. I'm an idiot.
3. I'm ugly and stupid.
4. I'm not cute and annoying.
In fact, when parents are emotionally unstable, even a small response can be detrimental to the child's self-development.
For example, children are urinating urgently and clamoring to go to the toilet. But at that time, only dad was around, and there was no toilet on the street. While scolding the child for being too much, the father took off the child's pants in public and let the child pee under the gaze of passers-by.
Dad's criticism and disgust, and the unfriendly gaze of passers-by, it is easy for children to feel that "I am not a good child".
Except that parents use improper parenting methods. Children who stay in other people's homes may experience emotional abuse, neglect, or a very turbulent life.
When these children grow up, they may mentally suppress and forget the shameful experiences of their early years, but the subconscious mind does not forget these experiences. Therefore, when these children grow up, they often have deep anxiety.
This anxiety is associated with being abandoned, rejected, and not being good enough.
At this point, parents who stay behind their children need to pay attention to their children's performance when they return home for the New Year.
If you find that your child is already traumatized, what can you do to help your child get rid of and overcome shame?
1. Asking children to stop feeling ashamed is ineffective
Shame is an emotional experience that children cannot isolate on their own. If the child does, it may develop into emotional isolation that requires psychotherapy.
Parents can do this by finding ways for their children to talk about their physical sensations and accompanying emotions, while ensuring that they can respond warmly and empathetically in a way that cares for their children. (General psychological counselor or school psychology teacher, due to training, can do it)
If parents don't know how to give their children warm empathy, it is even more necessary to learn. (You can see my previous psychological articles)
Why does having children talk about physical feelings and emotions help overcome shame?
Because when children are able to bravely explore the impact of shame on their own behavior, emotions, relationships, and learning, and the corresponding physical and emotional states, the negative emotional impact of shame is weakened.
2. Teach your child to recognize emotions
When the child is still young, it is difficult for him to distinguish emotions, but he thinks it will make him feel uncomfortable and want to cry.
Then parents can discuss this with their children when they are watching TV with their children, or when they see that someone in their life is experiencing a shame blow.
This allows children to understand what shame is and to talk about it more confidently.
For more information, you can read The Mystery of Child Psychology (all 4 volumes), which deals with four aspects of common child psychology: attachment, sensitivity, shame, and psychological trauma, sharing practical cases and stories, and providing actionable advice in simple, practical language.
If you're a teacher, you should know more about this.
Teacher Mou pointed out in the class that the last person to write this time was: Lily. The teacher's intention was to inspire Lily to work hard and catch up next time through comparison.
However, saying this in front of the whole class was very incapable of motivating, and lily had a physical reaction under the influence of shame: before the next silent writing class, she was dizzy and vomited until she was taken home by her parents.
Most children are very sensitive, parents and teachers should treat children more humanely and help children develop a good sense of self-worth.