"Your child really understands things!" Hearing such praise, many parents will feel satisfied.
Sensible children seem to be more likely to win favors.
They know how to observe the color of speech and will not make undeserved requests;
They are very good at controlling their emotions, always silently forgiving, clumsily paying;
They seem to be naturally well-behaved and always behave just right.
The vast majority of parents want their children to be "obedient", but some experts say that children who are too obedient are more likely to have mental problems.
A psychologist once shared a case of adolescent depression, he mentioned that many parents bring their children, the most common sentence is:
"My child is usually very well-behaved, how did it suddenly become like this?"
In the eyes of parents, "well-behaved" children, it is impossible to have any problems.
But in fact, children have never "suddenly" had problems, but sensible children, who chose to be silent and patient, hid the pain in their hearts.
The emergence of these psychological problems is traceable in their growth experience.
01, sensible, is the child's forced choice
I saw a video on Weibo.
On the sixth day of the New Year, my father was going to go out to work, and my 10-year-old daughter was very reluctant, full of tears, and her small face slowly began to collapse.
However, in order to reassure her father to leave, she leaned against the tree to maintain her composure, trying to pull a smile at him.
Even if he was already in tears unconsciously, he nodded obediently in agreement when his father asked him to "take good care of the family".
Dad said that his daughter has always been very sensible, even if she has suffered more grievances, she usually just silently endures.
The girl's understanding made her father feel painful, but at the same time, she also made her feel relieved.
Sensible, it seems that it has always been a high praise, a recognition of the child's understanding and warmth.
In the child's world, being praised as "sensible" is perhaps the greatest affirmation for him.
But I also saw another video.
The mother who is working outside the home is leaving, and the children who stay behind are unwilling, crawling and pulling all the way to the mother crying and shouting.
The mother was sad and angry, while slapping the child's hand while scolding, "So big and ignorant, how to make money to support you if the mother does not go!" ”
The villagers were also whispering that the children were too ignorant!
Reflect on the girl in the first video.
Want Dad to stay? Definitely want to.
Will Dad really stay? Definitely not.
What happens if you stop Dad? Not only will you be scolded by your anxious dad, but you may also be beaten.
What about staying well-behaved? Dad will be happy, he will feel comforted, and he will also get a "good and sensible" praise.
To be sensible is a child's forced choice.
"Obedient" and "sensible" all mean the repression of "self". It's not that there is no need, there is no desire, but these things are all accumulated in their hearts by the precocious people.
But stress and emotions will not disappear because of repression without mentioning, and "negative energy" will accumulate day by day until the child cannot bear it, it will erupt and drown the child.
02, sensible children, generally have high-pressure control
One child said that whenever he heard praise from others, he felt uncomfortable and felt ashamed.
And when she hears the negative evaluations of others, she will feel that others are denying her ability, so she will become more depressed and depressed.
Talking about the original family, she said that she has a strong personality of the mother, the mother in her own life is almost everywhere, learning, life, dating, feelings, the mother all have to intervene in control.
With the intervention of her mother, on the surface, she has indeed become an excellent child in the eyes of others: elegant in conversation, gentle in demeanor, filial piety and obedience, and excellent grades.
But behind it, she has a deep inferiority complex, always afraid that she has not met the expectations of others, and always afraid that she is not doing well enough.
Even if she has done a good job, she is still not confident.
There is also a child, from childhood is a well-behaved girl in the eyes of her parents, a role model in the eyes of peers, but after entering the middle school life, due to the environment and learning pressure is too large, the grades have plummeted, and she is depressed and irritable.
The daughter's abnormal behavior made the mother become exhausted, and even one day, the mother found that the daughter had different shades of large and small wounds on her hands.
Under the high-pressure policies and strong expectations of their parents, girls have formed a strong sense of initiative and self-esteem, but at the same time have a deep sense of crisis and love to compete.
Once you can't keep up with the pace of the class academically for various reasons, you will feel anxious and frustrated.
Under the vicious circle, people are prone to depression.
Sensible children often carry imperceptible harm behind them.
From this perspective, each of us should reflect on whether your early years were overly controlled by your parents, and also reflect on whether you, as a parent, are also controlling your children in the same way.
03, sensible children, the backlog of too many grievances
In the autobiographical novel "Human Disqualification", the protagonist Ye Zang is a child who is prematurely "sensible".
He spares no effort to please others.
For example, he dressed up as a clown just to amuse his classmates.
For example, in order to cater to his father, he speculated about changing the gifts he wanted.
As an adult, Ye Zang still couldn't change his habit of flattery.
He said: "Since I was a child, I have been currying favor with those around me, and that was my last courtship to human beings. ”
However, the young Ye Hidden in depression and pain still embarked on the road of extinction.
Ye Zang hoped to gain the kindness of others by pleasing others, but in the process of currying favor, why didn't he be wronged?
In the program "Teenager Says", Yang Xunan, a high school girl, wrote a letter to her two-month-old brother.
She told her brother to love daddy and not to push him, he was hard; to love mom, she gave a lot for you.
But in the end, she said to her brother with tears:
"You have to be a simple and happy child, who can be less sensible and less well-behaved."
The girl's understanding is so subtle that it is touching, but this understanding also gives her a deep weight, so that in the end, she even told her brother to be "not so obedient".
Sensible children are not born sensible. They are just in the competition with their parents, in the pull with society, little by little they have learned to observe the color, learn to hide themselves, put away their grievances, and play the role that everyone wants.
However, under the appearance of obedience, it is hidden that one is aggrieved and unhappy.
They are used to "understanding things", accustomed to flattery, accustomed to consuming themselves, to meet the expectations of others.
However, sensible children grow up, they will not refuse, dare not speak out, and will eventually find that they cannot meet everyone's expectations.
When sensible things become a means of survival, and flattery becomes the basis of value, such a child, with an empty and dangerous heart, can never be happy.
04, let children be brave to be themselves, far more important than understanding
We need to realize that when a child is beyond the age he or she should be and shows excessive understanding, it is a red flag.
Behind the sensible children, there is often hidden inferiority, hidden uncertainty about being loved.
Children have the most instinctive reactions to emotions and desires. Sensible, in a certain sense, represents the suppression of instinct and self-binding.
They were accustomed to looking carefully at the faces of adults and silently pretending not to care.
But if it can be accepted, who would want to swallow the grievances and become sensible?
"Please Answer 1988" has a line:
Sensible children simply adapt to the environment in which they should behave maturely, and get used to the misleading eyes of others.
When your child begins to appear prematurely sensible, please do not rush to praise.
Because understanding is a choice, it is far more important for children to be brave to be themselves than to be sensible.
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