Author: Han Bing
First published in the public number: Qu Weiwei (ID: qvweiwei1111)
I don't know if you have such friends around you-
She seems to have been in love, boyfriends have changed one after another, and there is almost no window period;
She easily starts a relationship, but often the sweet period does not last long, always caught in various painful and entangled relationships, exhausted;
She always seems to choose partners who don't match herself, but even if she finds the other person bad, it is difficult to break up, unless she meets the next one;
Yes, they seem to be "addicted" to falling in love.
Why would anyone be addicted to love? What is the real inner craving behind addiction? And how do you get rid of this negative cycle of emotional patterns and stop getting yourself hurt?
I believe that after reading today's article, you can find the answer from it.
01/
Others are addicted to buying bags, I am addicted to falling in love
My college classmate Alice is a famous "love master" in the circle of friends, since knowing her in college, she seems to have been in love, to be precise, her love history began in junior high school, making our group of little girls who had never been in love envious.
But after getting acquainted, I realized that something was wrong. Alice's boyfriend didn't last long, and I met five of her boyfriends in four years of college. At one club reunion, she brought a new boyfriend, the barber brother next to the school, and we were all surprised at the time (I didn't mean to say that the barber brother was bad).
Alice spends most of her energy on love, and my biggest impression of her is either falling in love and skipping class to go on a date every day, or crying in the dormitory when there is a problem with her feelings.
And her boyfriends, no matter how "perfect" they are at the beginning, will eventually happen all kinds of dog blood things - some people split their legs and cheat, some people are found to have girlfriends, some people are very controlling, some people are cold and violent.
And even if she finds that the other person has a problem, Alice will have a hard time saying to break up, unless - she has found a home.
I remember drinking at a bar with Alice, who had just been broken up with her boyfriend, one night, and she told me, "What to do, I feel like I can't survive." ”
"But he sucks, isn't it a good thing to leave him?"
"It's horrible to be single, I can't be left alone, I need a boyfriend too much."
After graduating from college, we were still in a city, but there weren't too many contacts, and I occasionally heard from friends that she was in a relationship with a married man, she and her boyfriend got into a fight at the police station, and she broke up again...
Later, I realized that Alice was actually a "love addiction", like a child who was hungry for love, constantly repeatedly putting herself into a low-quality relationship, even if she was hurt, she could not stop from this cycle.
02/
It was as if there was a hole in my heart, and I couldn't fill it with love
I've always felt that people who are addicted to love don't crave not the relationship itself, there's something else behind it. So I found some friends who had "love addiction" like Alice, and found the "fear and trauma" hidden under love.
@Ah Ling
Eager for love, it is difficult to establish deep intimacy
It's not so much that Ah Ling longs for love as she craves "hot love", yes, what makes her head is the passion and novelty of falling into the early stages of love: meeting a charming new partner at a friend party (what kind of romance will it be?). Received a lover's WeChat (what will be said above?). ), found out that his partner had actually won the Olympiad competition (what surprise?). ）
"I've always felt like my life was boring and empty, and only when I was in love would I feel like I was alive." Ah Ling told me.
There is no problem in enjoying the passion of love, but correspondingly, Ah Ling cannot stand the "flat period when the passion fades". So she will endlessly curry favor with the other party to retain the passion period, or to meet a new person to start a new relationship.
"No matter how high I am at the beginning, it is easy for me to get bored with a person and want to run away when I feel bored, but the premise is to find a good home." 」
@Xiaomi
Fill in the inner scarcity with love and escape from real problems
Love itself should be the spice of life, which can make people feel happy and happy, but there is no and no. But for Xiaomi, love is a necessity, and nothing is impossible.
Because her love is meant to be used to solve the problem, what problem? Her inner scarcity and weakness, as well as the life choices she faced.
Xiaomi's hometown is in a small city in Guizhou, and after graduation, he came to Beijing alone to work hard.
"If I wasn't in love, I felt that life was too difficult, getting older, and I had to face the problem of my career development, whether to go back to my hometown or stay in Beijing." 」
"And I don't know if you will feel this way, it may be that the city is too big, I am always panicked when I am alone, I just can't stay alone, I always want to have someone to rely on, so for me the empty window period is terrible." 」
With a lover, Xiaomi can escape the fear in her heart and shelve the big problems that need to be chosen, but the result is that her heart is getting weaker and weaker, and the result of using problems to solve problems can only be more problems.
@Round Boy
Childhood Trauma: Unhealthy Attachment Patterns
Generally speaking, the intimate relationship patterns of a person growing up are mostly related to the attachment patterns of childhood, that is, the relationship between you and your parents when you are a child.
Yuanzai had a not-so-happy childhood, her most memories are of her parents quarreling, her father cheated when she was in elementary school, and spent every night in the quarrel between her parents, and had to cover her ears to write homework.
Mom also often said bad things about her father to Yuanzai, telling her that "your father is going to abandon us", which caused Yuanzai to live in fear all the time. But her parents, despite their bad relationship, have never been divorced.
Growing up in such an environment, Yuanzi has always been very insecure, she is not close to her father, but she is very eager for his father's love.
"I sometimes feel sick in the relationship, extremely dependent on each other, but it's hard to trust each other. I can't do it without love, but I don't seem to believe in love at all. ”
03/
Can "love addiction" still be saved?
If you also have characteristics similar to "love addiction", are always consumed by feelings, and have difficulty building healthy intimate relationships, here are some specific suggestions that I hope will help you.
First, learn to discern what a bad relationship is and what true love is
The key to getting rid of "love addiction" is to be able to discern what is a bad relationship and what is real love, so that you will leave in time when you realize that something is wrong.
There are many criteria for judging whether a relationship is healthy, the most important of which are your emotions and feelings.
In a bad relationship, you often feel that you have a loss and a loss, extreme insecurity, easy to worry and panic, feel that you have no power, and even pay too much attention to your partner; and true love will make you like yourself more and more, feel solid and stable inside, full of strength, trust yourself and trust each other.
Try to be aware of your emotions in the relationship and trust how you feel (remember not to self-reflect).
Second, look for alternative emotional support and give yourself an empty window
As with alcohol and food addiction, if you're in a relationship all the time, it's hard to realize what your real problems are —the real problems you avoid by falling in love.
So it's important for a relationship addict to consciously choose to spend a period of time, like leaving your addiction source.
If you've just ended a relationship right now, don't rush to start the next one, or if you're in a bad relationship and want to end it but can't leave without a home, try ending it.
Of course, the empty window period may be very difficult for you at first, and you still habitually want to get into love to solve it. So find some alternative emotional support for yourself, such as choosing family or friends you trust to spend some time with you.
Many times it is not the real dilemma that imprisons us, but the imaginary fear. Maybe slowly you'll find, "Huh? Single doesn't seem so scary? ”。 In this way, entering into an intimate relationship, you will not be pathologically dependent on your partner, and it is possible to have a mature and rational lover.
Third, face and explore the inner trauma
When you can distinguish what is healthy love, but also can not rely on love to live for a period of time, the next step, you have to start to face the real trauma inside, after all, you know, addiction to love is only the appearance of the problem, like the tip of the iceberg, hidden behind is some of the trauma in your heart.
Combing through your relationship patterns: Think about how each of your relationships started and ended, and what kind of partner you usually choose. Maybe you'll find some common problems in it.
Dialogue with the inner "child": reminisce about childhood, write down memories that make you miserable, or some painful feelings, such as "I am afraid of being abandoned", "I long for my father to love me".
You can go to some psychology books on the original family and attachment patterns, and if possible, you can try psychological counseling and explore deeper problems with the help of a counselor.
Everyone faces different problems, and the trauma has accumulated for a long time, these methods can give you some direction to guide, but in the end the solution of the problem is still up to you.
Real life is full of problems, so many people learn to escape – like lonely people looking for comfort in love, frustrated people looking for satisfaction in alcohol, confused people looking for fulfillment in games.
But eventually you'll find that the methods used to evade the problem will never solve the real problem, or even make the situation worse.
I hope that every girl who is addicted to love can face the fear and uneasiness in her heart, gradually find her own strength and security, and no longer rely on love to save herself.
I also hope that we will not be hurt by love, trapped by love, and learn to love and be loved normally.
Cover / Tokyo Daydreamer
Illustration / Tokyo Daydreamer
Text / Ice
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Qu Weiwei, a young writer, a million-fan self-media person, and the most storyd female classmate. The annual blockbuster book "After Today, Countless Possibilities of Life" Autographed Book is in hot sales such as Dangdang Jingdong, and the pre-sale night ranks first in the Dangdang Network classification list and the third place in the overall list. It is said that every young person who hopes to have a new start in 2017 has bought the book. WeChat public account Qu Weiwei (qvweiwei1111) Weibo @ Qu Weiwei.