"Children can't get used to it, the worse you treat her, the more she listens to you, and the more filial she is to you when she grows up!" On the weekend, the neighbor Aunt Cai came to the house and couldn't help but move out her set of "parenting scriptures".
Aunt Cai has two daughters and a son, and the daughter is very filial, and after getting married, she went to the house for three days to buy things. Usually Aunt Cai has a bit of a headache and brain fever, and they take care of it. The son hanged his son all day long, and there was no serious job in his thirties, all relying on his two sisters to help.
Aunt Cai often said that it was because she was too spoiled for her son that he now had this kind of virtue, and the two daughters who had beaten and scolded before had grown up to be more sensible and filial.
Therefore, whenever Aunt Cai sees a baby mother with a baby in the community, she will appear and say: "You can't be too good to your children, the worse your parents are to your children, the more filial your children are!" ”
I listened to the laughter and did not speak, this kind of correct "crooked reasoning", forgive me can not be implemented like you.
The worse the parents are to their children, the more filial they are?
Raising children and preventing old age is a deep-rooted concept of most Chinese parents, which is nothing more than relying on them when they are older. However, they can't help but worry: as children grow up, their personality and thoughts begin to be independent, and their feelings for their parents will change, so what if they don't filial piety to their parents in the future?
Therefore, some parents do the opposite, using a bad way for their children, trying to exchange their children for their own good. They believe that the worse the parents are to their children, the more obedient and obedient the children will be out of a pleasing mentality.
Psychologically speaking, this set really has a certain basis, psychologist Wu Zhihong in his "Why home will hurt people" has analyzed this phenomenon, he talked about why "the more cold the parents, the more the children cater" said: because the panderers can only get a little pitiful attention from their parents through pandering.
From the perspective of parents, I can establish the prestige of my parents and make the children submit; I can make the children love and ignore them, which can make the children know how to cherish more and learn to take the initiative to fight.
But, ask yourself, do you just want a "filial piety" child? The biggest side effect of this kind of pressure education is that it is easy for children to form a flattering personality.
The desire for the love and attention of parents is the nature of every child and a manifestation of self-preservation. Children from the age of 2 or so began to germinate self-awareness, began to take the first step in interpersonal communication, parents are the first to push the door to society for their children, but also the source of courage for children to explore the world. If parents are very bad for their children, often verbally humiliate or hit their children, or even hit their children at every turn, they will distort the newly established parent-child relationship.
Children at this age have unconditional trust and dependence on their parents. When they are treated badly by their parents, their thinking has not yet reached the level of "I want to try to change this situation", but out of instinctive obedience, they want to cling to the life-saving straw to live. It is even possible to form a solidified thinking, thinking that "my parents are so bad to me, is it that I am not good enough, I am doing it wrong", thus strengthening my obedience to my parents.
What if I want to get my parents' attention? What if my parents want me to value me? Can only cater to them, obedient, sensible, try to be a good child. Over time, this unconditional obedience to parents will form inertia, develop into obedience to others, and develop a flattering personality.
In real life, many "foolish filial piety men" and "brother-in-law demons" are the reflection of flattering personalities. They are careful to curry favor with their parents, seek perfection, and have become accustomed to sacrificing their own interests to win their parents' attention, and they dare not resist or resist, for fear that once they do not meet their parents' wishes, they will be rejected.
Pleasing personality, pleasing others, but not pleasing yourself
Some parents are still complacent about their own way of education, believing that there is nothing wrong with a flattering personality, children are obedient and filial, parents are at ease, and the family is harmonious.
As everyone knows, the child whose parents are not good to him may have to spend his life to heal his childhood.
In the recent hit TV series "Female Psychologist", it tells a story about a flattering personality. Mo Yu is an ordinary company employee, with a typical flattering personality, and obeys everyone. Not only do they bring breakfast to their colleagues every day, but they also accept all of them according to the order in the face of their unreasonable requests. Once, when a colleague had a meal to temporarily change places, no one remembered to inform him, and instead of getting angry, he thought that he had done something wrong and was ignored by everyone.
The reason for Mo Yu's personality is related to his childhood experience. When he was a child, he was often bullied by his classmates, and he went home to complain to his parents, but his parents told him: "Others don't like you, you have to find more reasons from yourself." Gradually, he decided that as long as I made others happy, others would not hate me and bully me.
So, can a flattering personality really get the liking of others? Obviously, what Mo Yu got was not the liking of others, but contempt. At the same time, he also fell into deep entanglement and pain. Sometimes, his heart is obviously resistant, but he will still unconsciously act of pandering.
American educator Mitchell. Farn attributes the formation of a flattering personality to childhood trauma. He believes that children who have received little or no "unconditional love" from their parents during childhood have a high chance of forming a flattering personality.
The "pain point" of the flattering personality is that it will always bring unnecessary trouble to yourself. In interpersonal communication, they dare not express their true thoughts, do not know how to refuse, suppress their own needs, have low self-esteem, care too much about the eyes and evaluations of others, and are afraid that others will not recognize themselves. Such a person will have a very difficult road in his life.
In order for parents to do so, they can educate filial children
The view that "the worse parents are to their children, the more filial they are" is tantamount to "filial piety under the stick", and it is indeed possible to cultivate filial piety, but it is certainly impossible to cultivate happy children. As a parent, you can't distort your child's personality because of your own selfishness.
Under the premise of not harming the future happiness of the child, if you want the child to be filial, it is the wisest way for parents to do this:
1. Lead by example and be a good example
Parents are the best teachers for children, and when getting along with the elderly in the family, parents should set a good example, respect and honor the elderly, take more time to accompany the elderly after work, do their children's responsibilities and obligations, and create a good family atmosphere. Children are subtly affected, and they will also develop good habits of respecting elders and filial piety to parents.
2. Take your child to experience the hardships of parents
Tell your child about his or her career, take him to his or her workplace if he has the chance, and let his or her know how parents work for their families. Through intuitive experience, children can understand the hardships of their parents, have respect for their parents, and learn to be grateful.
3. Give your child the opportunity to express filial piety
When doing housework, you can let your child help share some of the things within their ability, enhance the sense of family responsibility, and help parents reduce their burdens. At the same time, give children more opportunities to express filial piety, such as serving meals to elders, helping parents beat their backs, etc., and praise or reward children's performance in time, so that children have a sense of pride and achievement, and also let him know that filial piety is valuable.
Write at the end:
Filial piety is not unconditional obedience, and children are not appendages of their parents. As parents, what we have to do is to let the children grow up healthily in a loving atmosphere, and never turn the pure parent-child relationship into a parent-to-child PUA, distort the child's personality, and hurt the child's happiness in life.