It was my own real experience.
Once again, I was going to explode emotionally, and my expression must have been sinister. Tense inside, he tugged at her fist and grabbed her by the neck, holding her against the wall and lifting her up so that she was suspended in the air. Looking at her fearful, helpless, and weak feet struggling, I looked as if I was going to eat her, angrily shouting "Why are you doing this to my son?" This she is the old lady, that is, my mother, why am I so angry?
Just now, the old lady asked my son whether he was going back to our house or to his mother-in-law's house, and the son casually said that he would go back to his mother-in-law's house. The old lady became angry and indignantly said to her son, "You white-eyed wolf, I will take you down every day, buy you good food, go and go, go with your mother-in-law (mother-in-law)."
Then the old lady pushed her son to the mother-in-law, and at once she threw her son to the ground, the son cried, and the mother-in-law hurriedly picked up her son and coaxed the baby. The old lady was indifferent to her grandson's cries and turned away.
The old lady and the 3-year-old grandson gambled, she will not reflect, she takes the baby all day, but the baby does not kiss her. In an instant, my anger was ignited, and there was the inner drama at the beginning. However, the inner drama returns to the inner drama, the reality of me, did nothing, I still constantly convince myself in my heart, control the emotions, the old lady is not not not loving children, but she does not know how to love children.
Even so, I felt like I was going to split. On the one hand, the old lady gave birth to me and raised me, without her there would be no me today, on the other hand, I have anger that I can't vent, and I have to live so divided and integrated.
I remember the picture when I was a child, the old lady and the neighbor quarreled, I did not speak for the old lady, the mother spit on my face, she felt that I had no conscience.
Similarly, I didn't look after the flour in the yard, and when I was pulled by the chicken, my mother beat me with a bamboo stick, almost blinded my eyes, and finally went to the clinic to bandage. She was afraid that the neighbors would see the blood on my face and say that she didn't have a serious beating, and my mother coaxed me to go to my uncle's house to play, to avoid the accusations of others against her, and I didn't feel love in my childhood.
Thinking about the above scenes, readers will not feel that when I grow up, I will have psychological problems and will remember and hate the old lady. But the reality is that I don't hate her, why? I doubted for a time that I was not biological, and it wasn't until a few years ago that I had a new understanding of maternal love.
While I was writing these words, the old lady gently pushed the door in, put a cup of hot tea in the corner of the table, and retracted her hand again. She didn't say a word to me, just gestured to me with her eyes, the tea was brewed, and then she went out.
At that moment, I clearly felt her love for me. More than that, there are many moments like this, when I'm lying on the couch half asleep, she'll take a blanket and cover me, when I...
I was reminded of a quote from my psychology teacher who said that my mom was divided into two parts, one part being good and the other part being bad. I can remember the bad part of her, but subconsciously, what my mother had a big impact on me was the part of her good love for me. These are the parts that made me what I am today, otherwise I might have suffered from depression a long time ago.
1, the first step in reconciliation with parents is to understand the parents' past
I'm pretty sure that I've lived with my mother for decades and we've never chatted for more than 5 minutes. Even if she is chatting, she is busy with things in her hands, or her eyes are looking elsewhere, giving people a feeling of "I am busy, I am not important, you don't come to bother me, you don't pay attention to me". The old lady was closed in her own world and could not establish intimate relationships with anyone, including her children and loved ones.
Neither my own mother nor I could establish an intimate relationship, so how could we build a relationship with others? That's why I have severe social impairments when I'm an adult.
I've been trying to understand why my mother was so deeply isolated, and when I knew what she was going through, I understood her more deeply and our relationship improved.
The old lady said that she was thrown into the pigsty by her father (grandfather) when she was born (grandpa said that the family did not eat, it would not feed her, it would have just been liberated), the old lady was frozen for one night and did not freeze to death, before her brother took her out of the pig pen and raised.
I think that the night she was in the pigsty, when she was just born and couldn't say she couldn't move or think, she must have had a perception that "I am not needed." Although the old lady survived, the scene of "I am not needed" was constantly played out later in life.
When the old lady was a little older, Grandpa went to work in other places and went to the primary school for half a year, and Grandma went to see Grandpa for more than 1 month. For more than a month, the old lady had no milk to eat, no porridge to drink, the old lady was hungry and crying, and my brother (my uncle) went to dig up wild vegetables and mashed the juice for her to drink.
A month later, when Grandma returned, except for her eyes, she could turn and move, and her hands and feet were hungry and could not lift up, she could not move, and could only lie in her arms. Everyone else said that she could not live, and in the end it was the grandmother who insisted on taking care of her, and the old lady slowly eased up and survived.
When the old lady said this, she had no emotion, no sadness or pain, no feeling of "I am pitiful", as if she were telling someone else's story. At that moment, I seemed to understand why the old lady was so deeply isolated, why she could not be close to anyone.
In her experience, if she does not isolate her feelings, any time she is abandoned, it will make her miserable, and isolation is the best protection for her, so that she can avoid experiencing the pain of "I am not needed" again and again.
Everyone was smart, and although she didn't realize it, she best adapted to the environment with isolation. It's like a machine that's been calculated with precision, always using the best protection mechanism to survive.
There is a famous psychological saying: a person always uses his actions to tell people about her past experiences.
However, isolation can adapt to the past, but not to the present, and she also treats me and her grandson in a segregation violence. She hadn't seen a good relationship template and didn't know how to love, she gave me everything she could give me, what else could I complain about her?
Knowing one's past makes one understand one's behavior, which is the first step to reconciliation.
2, trauma is not terrible, the terrible thing is that there is no one to soothe after trauma.
These traumas are so severe that I may not be able to get rid of this negative effect in my lifetime. However, complaining about such an old lady in her 60s, how can I bear it? She had so many moments of abusing me and so many moments of loving me.
When I was young I didn't feel her love, now I feel it, and whenever my emotions are triggered and I'm going crazy, I say to myself "it's not that she doesn't love me, it's just that she doesn't know how to love me". When I understood that the harm she had done to me was not her intention, I was much calmer inside, no longer had so much resentment towards her, and I suddenly seemed to be better at once, as if I had been healed.
Trauma is not terrible, what is terrible is that you are injured, no one understands your pain, no one comforts you. Seeing your own pain is the first step in healing. When others can't see it, we let ourselves see our own pain, self-soothing——— psychology, which is called "mourning" for ourselves.
3, if you can't reconcile, allow yourself to move forward with regrets
Being physically abused and verbally abused by my mother, I had a lot of grievances and anger in my heart, and there were some extreme things in my heart, just like the inner drama at the beginning, I viciously choked the old lady's neck. It seems that I am doing justice for my son, but in fact, it is also telling the grievances of my childhood.
Before I studied psychology, when my emotions were uncontrollable and my heart was extreme, I would blame myself, thinking how I was so bad, how could I treat an old man like this. My social phobia, my relationship with the leader, my lack of courage, I will blame my parents for all this, they are harmful. I may hide at home and avoid integration into society, afraid that others will see my inferiority and see my powerlessness.
But after studying psychology, I can understand myself more deeply, which is not all my responsibility, it has to do with my family environment. I can better accept myself, I am not afraid of my shortcomings being exposed, I try to break through to change, to integrate into others.
When others learned about my past, they thought I was amazing and gave me a lot of encouragement. In my dealings with others, I had a completely different experience of relationship patterns than my parents, and this wonderful relationship experience in turn healed my fear of intimacy.
If you feel that your trauma has not been handled well, and you still have a bunch of shortcomings in yourself, you are not willing to move forward. Then you give up trying to completely new relationship models and instead close yourself off, which is not conducive to your change. Try with your flaws, your flaws will be exposed, but your strengths will also be discovered. The recognition of your merits by others will prompt you to look at yourself more objectively, and the recognition of yourself is a manifestation of maturity.
Problems in the relationship, to return to the relationship to solve, the shortcomings are not terrible, the terrible thing is to immerse themselves in it and can not extricate themselves.
Finally, I would like to say that reconciliation with parents is not to force ourselves to accept them, nor to be enemies with them, but to establish a boundary with them, they do them, we do us, and we are not affected by each other. This border is not a wall and is airtight. It is a fence that allows air to flow and feelings to interact, feelings that are good or bad, but do not affect each other.
If you want to learn more about psychology, or seek solutions to more problems, you can write to me privately.
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