What can lead a child to happiness throughout his life? Harvard's 85-year study is amazing

All parents hope that their children will be happy in the future. But how to pursue happiness? Today, this 85-year-long Harvard study is like a bright light that illuminates our path to happiness. And this conclusion of using scientific methods to explore "happiness" may subvert our long-standing cognition of happiness factors such as money and prestige...

Text丨Jennifer ed. Lulu

Pity the hearts of parents in the world, no parents do not want their children to have a happy and beautiful life.

Even if they are desperately engaged in an arms race and roll their babies into the sky, they are nothing more than hoping to add more weight to their children's future happy lives through education.

However, what is the guarantee of the greatest probability of a happy life? The question is mysterious and mysterious.

In a survey of millennials, 76 percent of respondents said wealth was their top goal; 50% said they were famous; In addition, there is career success.

After all, money, fame and fortune, career success, these can be quantified, but the word "happiness" is very ethereal. What exactly is "happiness"?

A Harvard University adult development study provided the answer through an 85-year follow-up survey of 724 participants and more than 1,300 of their descendants.

It has also become the longest longitudinal study of human life in history, recording the complete life of many people and conducting objective empirical exploration of their life trajectories and thoughts.

Dr. Robert Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the fourth director of the study, reveals for the first time the full record of the study in his latest book, The Good Life, revealing the mystery of the good life and happiness.

This study found that the most important happiness factor in life is neither money and fame, nor achievement and power, but the quality of relationships.

In other words, the good life is maintained in a network of relationships that give meaning to our lives.

In the environment where individuals are increasingly competitive and isolated, building a good parent-child relationship network for children, so that children have the ability to connect with others and socialize, is a more important link in family education.

The authors even argue that there is an urgent need to add "relationships" to basic education to help students improve their self-awareness, identify and manage emotions, and have the ability to build good interpersonal and intimate relationships.

What kind of person is more likely to be happy?

Go back in time to 1938. This year, the Harvard Research Project began tracking two groups of groups:

The first group is Harvard's college student population, who come from different classes and families and completed college during World War II;

The other group were boys from the poorest areas of Boston. They came from the most troublesome and lowest families in Boston in the 2030s.

Researchers regularly interviewed and questionnaired each teenager and their parents for more than a decade, and then joined their partners and children to further track their lives.

Later, this group of teenagers grew up and entered all walks of life. Some became workers, lawyers, masons, doctors, and one became the president of the United States. Others became alcohol-dependent, and some suffered from schizophrenia.

Some climb all the way from the bottom of society to the upper class; Others, on the other hand, have traveled this journey in the opposite direction.

Researchers have found that no matter what class they come from, whether their life starts in the lottery or is a mess, there are some common factors worth paying attention to for an individual's happiness and even health in later life.

Among them, the closest causal relationship and the easiest to form a watershed of happiness are actually "interpersonal relationships" indicators.

More than career, prestige, and money, what affects a person's longevity and physical and mental health is the ability to form and maintain good relationships.

"How are your relationships? Is it good to have a good relationship with the original family? Do you have a good relationship with your children? Have you had a partner with you for more than ten years? Have good friends? "The group that answered Yes and No had a big difference in happiness satisfaction in life.

When the researchers interviewed the families of the respondents, they looked at several aspects of what their family life was like.

For example, how strict or benevolent are their parents? Is there an ongoing positive emotional bond between parents and children? Do family members often quarrel? In short, how much warmth and support the family environment has for a child.

By tracing many people's lives, we will find that a child who has more intimate and warm experiences in early family life is more likely to establish connection, dependence and support with partners and others, even if there are many setbacks and accidents in their future life.

Research data shows that half of the respondents with warm childhood achieved "optimal adult development"; Only one-eighth of children who had a bad childhood achieved the same optimal level of development.

Studies have also found that if a child is loved and affectionate at an early age (not necessarily from parents, but also from others), he will grow up to make friends and establish strong intimacy;

In addition, the way he behaves and copes in society will make others tend to be closer rather than distant, and it will be easier to achieve career success and high salaries.

A life with good and warm relationships is like a protective net with many layers. Even if you encounter inevitable major setbacks and accidents in life, you will be supported by this layer of network.

And a warm and loving childhood is the initial safety net for many people.

An increasingly lonely teenager

In contrast to how important intimacy is so important for a happy life, there is a serious wave of loneliness emerging in modern society.

According to the latest statistics, an online study of 55,000 participants from around the world shows that 1 in 3 people say they often feel lonely. The loneliest group of these people is 16-24 years old.

With the increase in interpersonal needs, loneliness is also highlighted in adolescence.

Physical and mental loneliness is becoming a driving factor behind adolescent depression that cannot be ignored. In recent years, most studies have also taken loneliness as a precursor to depression, and found that children who fall into loneliness are more likely to become depressed.

A counselor shared a story online.

Among the visitors was a 13-year-old girl who was always sullen when she entered junior high school. Her mother found a counselor, hoping to enlighten her daughter. She said that the child did well in school, had no contradictions with classmates, was well-behaved and sensible at home, and had good grades and versatility. Why is that?

After chatting with the girl a few times, the counselor found that this girl, who was excellent in the eyes of others, had actually been consumed by a huge sense of loneliness. She wrote a poem in her diary:

"I sat in a crowded classroom,

Standing in the boiling playground,

Walk through the hustle and bustle of the city...

Do a lot of things every day,

But they can't resist the great desolation in their hearts.

Perhaps, in my heart,

There lived an old child. ”

The reasons why today's children are becoming more lonely are manifold. Behind this is actually the joint role of school, family, and the overall social environment.

For example, today's children, in the real world with peers, lack a free social environment;

The highly competitive academic environment makes them generally have the psychology of "fear of weakness" and "fear of slowness";

Many children and families have a lack of emotional connection and are broken;

The evaluation system of families and schools for children is too simplistic...

In such an environment, loneliness has become the background of modern society, and even "excellent students" are difficult to escape. In severe cases, it may even become a child's childhood trauma.

Harvard research also found that a child's childhood loneliness can span decades, affecting a person's adult family life and even parenting relationships with the next generation. Even if he has achieved worldly success.

Joseph is the first generation of respondents to the research project. He was born into a relatively poor family, and his parents neglected him because they were busy making ends meet on the farm. At a young age, he developed the ability to be self-reliant and was admitted to Harvard University.

After graduating from Harvard, in the eyes of friends and family, he was steady, reliable, successful in his career, and responsible for his family. However, in the eyes of his wife and daughter, it seems that they have never fully understood him, and they lack a deep inner connection.

When it comes to intimacy, Joseph is absent. He has never been able to overcome a core, deep-seated fear of opening up to others, even those closest to him.

Researchers found that this was influenced by his upbringing, stemming from a deeper knot in his fear of becoming a burden to others. From an early age, he was used to staying independent, not dependent on others, and not showing his vulnerable side, which was a lifestyle that made him feel safe.

Joseph spent a lonely childhood, but during the long years of adulthood, it was difficult to connect with intimacy.

Professor Robert said that "human beings need warm relationships" is a fact engraved in human genes.

Tens of thousands of years ago, Homo sapiens survived because of their sociality, and tens of thousands of years later, human bodies and brains have evolved to connect with other people.

The researchers also did a number of studies exploring the association between social connection and death risk, and the results showed that the more socially connected people are, the lower the risk of death at any age. This knows no borders, classes or genders.

The impact of loneliness on people is not only psychological, but also physical. They will be more sensitive to pain, their immune systems will be suppressed, their brain function will be weakened, their sleep quality will be reduced, and they will be more tired and irritable.

The establishment of intimate emotional bonds is important for both adults and children. This is especially true in a highly competitive and high-pressure modern society.

At present, there are more and more lonely individuals. But for individual health and well-being, what every child needs more is love, connection, and belonging. It is not an optional luxury, but a foundation for happiness.

pressing matter

It's about building intimacy

The biggest inspiration from this Harvard research project is to re-examine how we can help a child embrace a happy life to the greatest extent;

It also makes us rethink whether chicken dolls at the cost of destroying the parent-child relationship are an act of sacrificing the basics; Is it really desirable to crowd out the socialization of children's peers and fill them with various cram schools...

In this increasingly lonely society, building intimate relationships, valuing the connection between people, and making children feel connected to themselves, with other people, and with the world can help them better cope with loneliness and get out of their inner isolation.

What can be done exactly? Professor Robert also gave some practical advice.

1. Patterns of getting along and communicating between family members

Everyone inherits a series of habits, views and behavior patterns from the mode of childhood family of origin. These unconscious inheritances can also affect the way children build relationships with others in the future, support each other, and communicate with others.

Among them, a very important connection is the ability to deal with emotions.

How to deal with and resolve emotional problems between family members often has a profound impact on children's interpersonal communication, and will also directly affect the quality of parent-child relationships.

The way partners get along with each other proposed by Professor Robert actually applies equally to parent-child relationships.

For example, when a child encounters something that makes you feel distressed, disappointed, or angry, we may wish to stop and see what we are thinking before releasing the original emotion. "Why do I have such emotions at this moment? What is the reason for my anger/anger/disappointment? Where does it come from? ”

These can also become empathy, interpreting the other person's feelings. "Why does he have such emotions at this moment? Why did he act like this? ”

The skill of "reflective listening" is also important. In the process of parent-child communication, parents listen without comment, which is often more effective than being a good teacher.

On the basis of listening, we can also provide some personal understanding feedback to cultivate the foundation of empathy between parents and children, such as, "You do this because..... Is that right? ”

Another way to improve emotional processing is the "self-distancing method", that is, trying to "take a step back" from the conversation, jump out, and look at the current problem from the perspective of an outsider.

In any case, the key to parent-child communication and getting along is that we can stabilize emotionally, slow down, and show the child that we are trying to understand him.

2. A sense of ritual in family life

In fact, there are many opportunities to establish family intimacy in daily life, for example, family meals are the simplest and most powerful sense of ritual.

Researchers have found that family gatherings to chat are particularly beneficial for children's development. Regular family meals lead to higher grade point averages and higher levels of self-esteem, while also reducing the incidence of substance abuse, teenage pregnancy, and depression.

The pace of modern family life is fast, and the dining table is often a rare parent-child conversation and communication occasion every day. Therefore, family meals are a very good opportunity to promote parent-child relationships and learn about each other's lives.

Whether it's a discussion of hot topics, sharing of each other's preferences, or the experiences of family members overcoming major challenges, etc., it is excellent conversation material.

Emory University psychologist Marshall Duke devoted his work to the study of the American family in the 90s of the 20th century. He found that children who knew the family story performed better when faced with difficulties.

Knowledgeable about family stories includes, "Do you know where your grandparents grew up?" Do you know where parents meet? Do you know that some terrible illness or thing has happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth? ”

Empirical research has found that the more children know about family history, the more they feel more in control of their lives, the stronger their self-esteem, and the more they believe that they can bring greater success to their families.

At the same time, the understanding of family history can make children have a sense of family belonging, and also make a child have a stronger ability to overcome difficulties and adapt to society.

3. Increase social-emotional education

Professor Robert believes that in addition to reading, writing and arithmetic, basic education should add an important content: relationships.

In fact, this is what we call social-emotional education today.

In this type of education, children develop their interpersonal and social skills, as well as recognizing and managing emotions. In the future, social health should also become the core content of health education.

Studies across age, race, gender, and class have shown that students who engage in social-emotional learning exhibit more positive behaviors toward their peers, have better academic performance, fewer behavioral problems, and less emotional distress than students who do not receive this education.

Today, the world is beginning to pay attention to social-emotional education. The best place for social-emotional education to be implemented, not only in schools, but also in families.

Thousands of stories from Harvard research tell us that everyone is born with a need to connect with others, and that that need for connection is fundamental to a good life.

It is true that life is full of unexpected journeys, accidental encounters and unforeseen events that can take life in a new direction. However, over time, relationships remain the most memorable memories of growing up and are central to the experience of happiness.

Professor Robert said, "When we learn how to love, how to open our hearts to the love of others, when we grow from our own experiences and connect with others, the good life quietly emerges. ”

Bibliography:

1. The Good Life: Implications for Harvard University's 85-Year Study of Happiness, CITIC Press;

2. "Harvard 75 Years of Research: What is a Good Life" TED Talk;

3. "Tracking the lives of 724 people: What kind of people are easy to be happy?" The Answer Subverts the Imagination", China Youth Daily;