Kanjian managed the company, but he repeatedly hit a wall when educating his daughter, which is really unspeakably embarrassing for him to show himself as a "successful person". He couldn't figure it out: Why did the education method he learned from his parents make him struggle from a small-town youth to a company executive in a big city, but when he used this method to educate his daughter, it pushed her into the abyss of depression and anxiety? The time he had to live alone outside gave him the most rare opportunity in decades to reflect on himself...
This article is reproduced from the public number: Youth Life Recovery (ID: QSNSMFY2021)
Wen 丨 Li Han (pseudonym) Editor丨 May
In the eyes of others, I am a "successful person". When he was young, he went from a small county town with 1,000 yuan to a big city to work hard, set up his own company, managed dozens of employees, and had an annual income of seven figures. After starting a family, it also provides good material conditions for the family.
Since I was a child, my parents disciplined me strictly. As a man, I feel that I must be responsible, courageous, and not admit defeat. As a parent, I think we must establish authority in the family, and we must not indulge and pamper my daughter, which will only harm her.
Only education full of rules and obedience to parents and teachers can lead well. After all, parents don't harm their children.
Such educational principles, in the past 16 years, have convinced me that I am capable enough to raise my daughter to be an excellent person, until she suffers from severe depression and anxiety...
Became a father
But I didn't know how
When I first had my daughter, I didn't know how to be a father, and my wife and nanny were responsible for everything about baby care.
I should be the one who "lost" in what everyone calls "widowed parenting".
But as my daughter grew older, I found that she began to have some behaviors that I didn't like. When she was only 2 years old, she began to push and beat people, and screamed when she encountered something unsatisfactory... I also like to play with toys at home and often do not listen to my mother's arrangement.
"Disobedience" seems to me really intolerable! I think it's time to start discipline. "Three years old to see the old", the saying handed down by the ancestors is always correct. If you don't "set rules" at this time, you will definitely go astray when you grow up.
So as soon as I found out that my daughter was behaving something that I felt was wrong, I would yell at her. This "blackface" played very successfully, and every time I lowered my voice and yelled at her, she basically obediently did so. This made me more convinced that my approach to education was correct and effective.
As she got bigger, so did her opinions. One day in elementary school, we waited for her to go out to play, but she had to wear a thin skirt and got into an argument with her mother.
I looked very angry, one because I felt that the child did not listen to advice and was too stubborn. One is that he feels that his wife is too weak and can't get the children in half a day.
I rushed over and gave my daughter two smacks and hit her on the back, "If you do this again, fuck me!" What a thing! Adults can't fight you anymore? ”
I don't think it's too much for "Lao Tzu to educate the kid". But that day, her daughter finally gambled and refused to go out, and lost the family's books.
That was the first time I remembered her strong resistance to me, and the first time I felt: the child is difficult to manage.
The collision of teenagers and middle age
My daughter "kicked" me out of the house
The harder it is to manage, the more I have to manage it. Not only was I very dissatisfied with my daughter's state, but I also opposed my wife's education methods, and the contradictions between the three became more prominent.
At lunch, my daughter said that my mother's meal was not the right appetite and ordered takeaway, and my wife allowed it. I was really angry: "What kind of system is this?" "I felt that she was challenging our authority and ignoring my mother's hard work.
So, I picked up the chopsticks in my hand and threw it at my daughter, to the effect that she was as stupid as a pig, and she would not dare to dislike her mother's cooking.
As a result, my wife stood up for her, which made me even more faceless, and I began to complain about her: pampered with her children and an incompetent mother. With that, I dropped the bowl and went back to the room.
At that time, I felt that this was the worst quarrel between us, but I did not expect that for a long time after that, because of my daughter's education, my wife and I, my daughter and me, and the three of us, we have been in a state of "war at any time".
It's less like a home, more like a courtroom or a battlefield. But I feel like I should be the ultimate leader in this venue.
I've always been confident in the wealth I create and the abilities I have: I can manage the company well, how can I not manage my daughter? That must not be my main reason, it must be someone else's problem.
For a long time I didn't want to change my perception, and there were no logical loopholes. I just feel that I am angry at the incorrectness of others (wife, daughter, school, family).
In the first half of the second half of junior high school, my daughter's depression diagnosis became the "verdict" of what I thought was the "right" way to educate. I couldn't help but ask myself, am I really doing something wrong?
Before long, her daughter's situation became even more serious – unable to go to school, often crying inexplicably, and writing two suicide notes. Both doctors and teachers recommend taking time off to rest.
She stayed home every day, did nothing, and only came out for two meals a day. Later, my wife told me that the child did not want to go out of the room, in addition to the reason for depression, but also because he was nervous, shaky and uncomfortable when he saw me, so he preferred to hide.
Internally, I couldn't understand the world of depression, and I always felt that it was children who were disobedient, rebellious, and deliberately against us.
But seeing that the child not only cannot go to school, but also becomes a "dead or not alive" look, he cannot scold education, and as a father, he cannot do anything.
In order to give my daughter a better recovery environment, after discussing with my wife, I made a helpless and a little "gambling" decision - to move out for a while and give everyone a peaceful living space.
Absent dad
Start learning how to "complement"
Living away from home is now a very special experience for me, and it was during that time that I had the opportunity to face myself alone.
After a busy day, I am left alone. It is difficult for middle-aged men to talk about feelings and feelings. For my family, the most familiar and common way to express emotions is to give money and provide material support.
But obviously, in the education of daughters, it is not enough to provide material things. Living in a villa and sitting in a good car still can't stop her from getting sick, taking a break from school, and making a self-harm.
While I was in a mess, a friend suggested that I could call a listening hotline or seek help from a counselor, and she also gave me some enlightenment.
At first I resisted, it was an industry I didn't know and didn't need to know, and until then, I had always thought that consulting was something that "cheated money".
But in order to find out what was wrong with my daughter, I eventually started trying counseling.
When I first went to the consultation room, I seemed very uncomfortable, and it was really difficult for a big man to talk about his feelings in front of a stranger.
I sat on the couch, a little awkward and restrained. I don't have any hope in the face of hundreds of people holding conferences and giving speeches, but it is really embarrassing to face outsiders revealing their weaknesses and difficulties.
But slowly as the months passed, I felt that I had gained more from the counselor than I thought. Through talking to counselors, I began to see that the education I received in my native family was not exactly what I thought I was to be absolutely right.
The so-called "success" label is only based on the ability to work. But as a father and a husband, I realized the most failed things I've done in years.
First, arrogance and conceit, always feel that career achievements are equal to all human abilities, and regard themselves as the absolutely correct standard.
Second, there is no empathy, understanding of the family, and not thinking about many problems from their perspective.
Third, improper education methods, not respecting the daughter, gave her too much fear and pressure since childhood. I turned a heart "for her good" into "poison" to hurt her.
If the academic pressure at school and the conflict between classmates are the causes of her depression and anxiety, then neither of them may be as great as the "crime" of my failure as a father.
With the advice of friends and counselors, I started studying books and articles on psychology and parent-child relationships. These are things that I should have learned a long time ago, but unfortunately I missed out on so many years.
If I had the mind to read educational articles when my daughter was born, wouldn't she have gotten sick?
The only luck is that the child is now taking medicine and is also actively recovering. My separate life from them also gave me enough time to "meditate on myself."
It turns out that it is not that the child is too disobedient, but that I do not understand the child too much.
Return to fatherly love
It's hard but there's always a response
This personal change has gradually been responded to in the interaction with his wife and children.
During the time I lived alone, I basically talked with my family two or three times a week, and sometimes I would go out to dinner together on weekends.
Now at dinner, I will reduce my evaluation of my child and try not to blame her. This is a clear change in the eyes of the children and wife. Because before that, I used to be very strict with my children, not used to seeing here, not used to seeing there.
Now no matter what she says, I try to say to her: If you think you can, try it. Instead of vetoing her idea as soon as it came.
I learned what the counselor taught me, listen to what my children and wife are saying, delay for a few minutes to express my opinion, and don't rush to interrupt them.
These small changes, although I did not do it perfectly, I can feel that there are some subtle changes between my family. My daughter, in particular, is more willing to talk to me more, and she also began to take the initiative to mention the hobbies she is interested in.
This is a good start. Although my friends joked that I was a "poor bug who couldn't return home", they didn't know that the brief separation brought us more understanding and empathy for my family.
I don't know when this lack of concern for my daughter and family will make up for the "end", maybe it will not be "finished" day.
I don't know when my daughter will fully recover and return to school. But even if she doesn't go back to school and can't become a top student, she is still the most important and most worthy person for me.
A middle-aged person's hard work and hard work, if only to obtain a seemingly luxurious life, but the child's psychology is unhealthy, the parent-child relationship is painful, in the end it is not interesting.
If I can get along well with my family and my children can be physically and mentally healthy, this is the meaning of my work and dedication.