To get a win-win relationship, you must first let go of this matter

"The wind and fire are fierce, our love is like a war, we have not shed blood but have all sacrificed"

Faye Wong's song "Will Love" sings a common situation of intimacy in her singing voice.

We entered into a relationship with the vision of healing each other and warming each other.

But in reality, many relationships are a war, and both sides of the relationship are playing "Game of Thrones" every day.

Whether online or in life, or even in our own lives, there is often a situation in which no one bows their heads when they argue with their partners.

Even if you know that you are wrong, you must have the upper hand, that is, to make the other party admit that you are right and obediently do what you say.

Based on this obsession, small things that do not need to be quarreled will also become big things, and a quarrel cannot be stopped.

Even in order to win, they will say some harsh words and do some impulsive stupid things.

As a result, of course, as the song goes, "We have not shed blood, but we have all sacrificed." ”

This kind of relationship model that must defeat the other party, must not lose, must be higher than the other party, and obtain the desire to control and speak, which intimate relationship experts define as: "power struggle period".

When the relationship enters the stage of "power struggle", there will be frequent conflicts, quarrels, and serious relationship breakdowns.

So why is the power struggle so damaging to relationships?

How to stop the power struggle in the relationship and let the relationship develop benignly?

01

The struggle for power can compete for the right to speak, but it cannot bring harmony

Some time ago, the popular TV series "Our Marriage" told the story of the power struggle in the marriage relationship.

Shen Yanxing, played by Bai Lily, was originally capable and intelligent, and in order to take care of the family and children, he took a back seat and became a full-time housewife.

And her husband, Sheng Jiangchuan, played by Tong Dawei, firmly controls the family's right to speak.

Opening his mouth and shutting his mouth are bragging about his contribution to the family, and when he encounters tedious and complicated family affairs, he hides under the banner of overtime.

He is often arrogant and righteous to dislike his wife for eating soft food, and when his wife goes to find a job, he blames his wife for not caring about home.

In order to compete for the right to speak, the only way that Shen Yanxing thought of was to return to the workplace and was willing to pay any price for it.

However, when she only wanted to win the other side, wanted to prove that she was stronger than her husband and useful than her husband, she did not make the family harmonious, but made the contradictions between the two escalate, and various small differences continued.

It seems that her career has improved, as if she has won her husband, in fact, her husband's temporary "transfer of power" is also unwilling.

As soon as he caught the opportunity, he wanted to regain power, and the two fell into a vicious circle of mutual intransigence and frequent fighting.

In fact, neither the whole family nor herself is nourished.

Whether the other party wins you or you win the other party, only one party wins the relationship, it is not a healthy relationship.

Is Shen's purpose just to win her husband?

Of course not, her original intention is to be able to have more freedom and autonomy, and some things can be decided by herself;

It can make her husband more considerate of himself, be able to fight side by side with his husband, and overcome one challenge after another in life.

To achieve these goals, it is possible to communicate in a relaxed manner, talk seriously, and express needs.

For example, tell your husband: "I am really hard and tired with children, I am afraid that I can't make money if you hate me, there are some things I really can't figure out, I am lonely, I want your support ..."

Remember: Revealing your feelings and needs does not mean that you are weak and inferior.

On the contrary, having a strong heart can be honest with the other person, and your honesty is more likely to be understood and supported by the other party.

02

The sense of control that comes with the struggle for power is vain and fragile

There is a power struggle that wraps it up in a gentle phrase that is very secretive, and that is "for your own good."

For your own good, so you have to listen to me, dress up according to my wishes, so as not to be targeted by people with bad intentions.

For your own good, so you have to focus on my needs, and then think about yourself second.

For your own good, so you have to do what I want, and I have the final say.

Some time ago, there was a variety show, male guests never helped their wives to do housework, asked him why, he actually said unashamedly:

"I'm for her own good, and if she doesn't do housework, she will feel useless."

Wrapping up his own private use for such a ridiculous reason made the audience drop their jaws in shock.

That is to say, this power struggle is aimed at controlling the other party, transforming the other party into their own ideal form, or a tool to serve themselves.

For this group of people, perhaps they have seen many of the power struggle patterns of their parents in their original families, and they are deeply afraid of becoming a person who is inferior in power, which will make them feel that they have lost their self and dignity.

They may not have the upper hand in economic or other ways, and in order to gain a sense of control, they will put on a grand coat of control: for your own good, for the good of the whole family.

Or control the other person in some way: I pay more for the family, so I have the final say.

I'm a woman, I'm a weak person, so I have the final say...

I'm a man and I want face, so I have the final say...

But in reality, this temporary sense of control is very vain and fragile.

No one likes to be controlled, and even if someone is temporarily brainwashed and willing to obey, this obedience is not from the heart of happiness and love.

If you always get along with strong grievances and resentment, the controlled person will one day be intolerable.

Candy once gained temporary power in this way.

Every time she quarrels with her boyfriend, she always moves out: "A good man does not fight with a woman", "To spoil a woman should tolerate her temper", these words to suppress the boyfriend have indeed played a certain role.

After each fight, the boyfriend would first bow his head, apologize, and try to make Candy happy, and Candy never felt anything wrong.

Until one day, she didn't know why her boyfriend stopped coaxing her, and she would never bow her head after arguing, no matter how cold she was and how she flinged her face, it didn't work.

In a hurry, Candy blurted out: "That's good to break up!" ”

As a result, the boyfriend actually pushed the boat along the water and said without hesitation: "Then divide it." ”

Candy was shocked and couldn't believe it was coming from her usually good-natured boyfriend.

It wasn't until this moment that she understood how damaging this one-sided "power" was to the relationship.

The fear of losing each other, and the idea of losing to each other even more, eventually made her lose the relationship.

03

Mature relationships move from power struggles to win-win situations

In the past, there was often a sentence in romance novels and film and television dramas: if you are serious, you will lose.

Many people take this sentence as a love treasure book, and also, you are seriously in love with others, others do not love you, you are not losing.

But where is love where you lose and I win, and you die and live the war?

It should be said: "From the moment you want to win, you lose." ”

A good, healthy relationship must be something that both partners in the relationship can nourish, benefit from, and enjoy.

Do not skimp on the good of the other party, and never grievance or suppress yourself.

Intimate relationship experts believe that intimate relationships are usually divided into five stages: romantic period, power struggle period, integration period, commitment period and co-creation period.

That said, it's very common to encounter periods of power struggles in relationships, and it's not scary.

Because when both parties feel that the bottleneck stage is related and needs to be adjusted, they will naturally enter the integration period, the commitment period and the co-creation period.

The last three stages are the stages in which both sides of the relationship work together to seek win-win cooperation.

As mentioned in the TV series "Our Marriage" mentioned above, Shen Yanxing and Sheng Jiangchuan came to the adjustment stage after losing both the power struggle.

Sheng Jiangchuan began to understand the difficulty of staying at home, took the initiative to share the task of taking the baby, and was happy for Shen Huixing's career progress.

Shen Huixing found his own value, felt the support of her husband, and no longer clinged to her husband's head, controlled the right to speak, and in turn supported and warmed her husband.

The relationship between the two is even more mature and resilient than when they were in love.

This is what the fruit of love looks like when it is ripe, abandoning unrealistic fantasies and putting aside the impurities of the power struggle, the two have one heart, and work hard for a common vision.

No matter how many big truths there are, no matter what high-sounding reasons there are for "for whom's good", don't use these to suppress the other side.

The willingness of both parties is the most important indicator of joint decision-making.

Who wins and who loses, who has the final say, is it still so important?

Isn't the most important thing in the relationship that you have me in your heart, I have you in my heart, you pay for me, and I pay for you?

If you're in a power struggle in your relationship, be aware of the hidden needs you always want to win, and see each other's needs, make a balanced choice between the needs of the two of you.

For example, if you want the other person to help you cook, you can offer to help the other person wash the dishes or beat your back.

This is much easier to use than directly ordering the other party: "If you don't cook, you don't pay for the family, you are good and lazy to cook", because the other party also feels that you care and care.

After continuous grinding, your relationship will surely move towards resilience, openness and happiness.