Reading | The Red Chamber: An Excellent Example of Chinese Interpersonal Communication

▲ Learn emotional intelligence with "Dream of the Red Chamber" and be a favorite person in the Chinese-style human society

▲ "Emotional Intelligence Lesson in the Dream of the Red Chamber", by Ou Lijuan, published by Oriental Publishing House in January 2022

"Emotional Intelligence Lessons in the Dream of the Red Chamber" was born out of the online course of Taiwanese scholar and popular professor Ou Lijuan. The author analyzes the plot of the Dream of the Red Chamber or the classic, or easy to be ignored, explores the high emotional intelligence displayed by the characters, and takes the scenes in "The Dream of the Red Chamber" as a case to teach readers how to play the role of emotional intelligence in different situations and be a person who makes people like.

The book consists of nineteen chapters, which analyze the different emotional intelligence characteristics of thirteen (group) characters. Each chapter focuses on one or more of the characters' emotional intelligence abilities, so that the reader can grasp some of the basic principles needed to behave in the world.

The book cooperates with the "scene reproduction" and "key tips" of the plot of "Dream of the Red Chamber", which is convenient for readers to learn and experience the application of emotional intelligence in daily life.

The author of this book graduated from National Taiwan University, has a doctorate in literature, is a professor in the Department of Chinese Literature of National Taiwan University, and is also an outstanding teacher of the "Global Open Curriculum Alliance". His works include "On the Dream of the Red Chamber", "The Three-Dimensional Theory of the Characters of the Dream of the Red Chamber", "Li Shangyin's Poetry" and so on.

Book Excerpts

Adversity is the touchstone of emotional intelligence

The most prominent emotional intelligence performance of Grandma Liu is, first of all, her perseverance and bravery.

Perseverance and bravery are actually very much related to emotional intelligence, which is not only a method or technique for handling things, but also an external reflection of personality.

Think about it, when do you need high emotional intelligence? When you encounter setbacks, when things are not satisfactory, do you want to give up, or do you want to stick to it? When things don't develop the way you want, are you impatient and simply don't do it, or are you patient, slowly coordinating step by step, and letting things gradually be completed satisfactorily? Also, when faced with pressure, do you stoically bear it, or do you avoid it? In the end, even if things still don't go their way, do you have the courage to accept it?

We usually agree that when encountering difficulties and setbacks, we have the courage to take responsibility, persevere, be patient, and complete things step by step, even if the results are still unsatisfactory, we can also wave our hands in a dashing manner, and do not sit in the city. Such attitudes and practices are the manifestations of high emotional intelligence.

Therefore, Liu Grandma's perseverance and bravery is the driving force behind her high emotional intelligence. When Grandma Liu first appeared, it was in the sixth time, when Grandma Liu's family was facing great difficulties:

Because of the beginning of the autumn and the beginning of winter this year, the cold weather will come up, the winter affairs at home have not been done, the dog is worried, eating a few glasses of stuffy wine, idle at home to find anger, Liu Shi does not dare to confront.

Wang Dog'er encountered things that were not satisfactory, but did not know how to solve the problem, only knew how to complain, get angry, and even anger others, the wife and children in the family became a punching bag. Of course, such an approach does not help, not only can not improve the situation, but also make things worse, it can be seen that his emotional intelligence score is not passed.

Here, I think of a passage said by Don Juan, an American Indian, who I personally thought was the most helpful quote to improve emotional intelligence. Don Juan said, "In your heart, you take yourself too seriously, so that you feel that you can be justified in getting annoyed with everything." You are so important, so as long as things don't go your way, you can turn around and walk away. You probably think that means you have personality. On the contrary, you are weak and pretentious! ”

Doesn't the king dog just confirm this truth? He was a man of a tantrum, but also a pretentious but weak and incompetent man. First of all, he can't control his temper and lacks the ability to control his emotions; secondly, because wang dog has no ability to solve problems, he will sit in a troubled city and use his temper to cover up his incompetence; finally, he only dares to lose his temper with those who dare not fight back, and is bullying weak paper tigers.

People who really have the ability are brave enough to face problems and solve problems, so Grandma Liu can't see it, and she comes forward, she advises the dog to say:

Grandpa, don't spit on me. We village people, that one is not old and sincere, how big a bowl to eat. You were used to eating and drinking because you were young and supported the blessings of your hometown, so you can't hold on to it now. When you have money, you will take care of your head and tail, and if you don't have money, you will be blindly angry, and you will become a manly husband!

We must first understand a situation, Grandma Liu was a widow, and only a daughter who was married, so she lived with her son-in-law's family, which was not uncommon in the Qing Dynasty. But after all, the head of the family is not his son, and the mother-in-law will still give in. However, Grandma Liu is very brave, the daughter does not dare to confront her husband, she came forward to persuade each other, and pointed out the shortcomings of the son-in-law, saying that he was used to enjoying it from childhood, from luxury to frugality, so when he had money, he spent it randomly, and he was angry without money, which is a manly husband!

In other words, Grandma Liu herself is a person who is "old and sincere, how big a bowl to eat", she is satisfied with her duty, she can "hold on" in the face of life, she can plan for a long time with money, she will not squander it all at once, and when she has no money, she also knows how to actively think of ways, rather than throwing a tantrum; moreover, when she encounters her son-in-law," she can also stand up and point out the shortcomings of her son-in-law in person, which is really a brave performance.

Of course, Grandma Liu is definitely not arguing with her son-in-law on the spot, using emotions to collide emotions, which is another practice of low emotional intelligence. So how does Grandma Liu's high emotional intelligence manifest itself?

Grandma Liu did not scold her son-in-law, but objectively pointed out his problems, which were different levels. "Scolding" is mainly to vent their emotions, the tone of the other party must be bad when accusing each other, of course, it is easy to cause the other party to resist, and the result is a meaningless fight. Objectively pointing out the other party's problems is different, which is actually a reminder to him to understand his own situation, once the other party realizes his own problems, there is a possibility of communication.

That's what Grandma Liu did.

Moreover, after pointing out the shortcomings of her son-in-law, Grandma Liu proposed constructive methods to help them solve the problem, so that the other party would no longer be angry, but would calm down and talk about the problem.

Look at what Grandma Liu did, she said to her son-in-law Wang Dog'er:

"Now although we live away from the city, we are finally at the feet of the Son of Heaven." In this Chang'an City, there is money everywhere, but unfortunately no one will take it. Jumping at home is also useless. ”

When the dog heard this, he said urgently: "You will only talk about kang tou'er, is it impossible for me to rob and steal?" ”

Grandma Liu said, "Who told you to steal it?" In the end, I want everyone to cut the degree, otherwise the silver money will not run to our house by itself? ”

The dog sneered, "There is a way to wait for this time." I don't have any tax-collecting relatives, no friends who are officials, what can I think of? Even if there is, I am afraid that they may not pay attention to us! ”

Grandma Liu said, "This is not true." The plot is in man, and the success is in heaven. We have found it, looking at the blessing of the bodhisattva, there are some opportunities that are unknown. ”

Author: Ou Lijuan

Editor: Xue Weiping

Editor-in-Charge: Zhu Zifen