Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
How happy are children who are "made rules"?
When it comes to making rules, many people think that this is a restriction on freedom, which restricts the nature of the child and deprives the child of happiness.
However, proper rules are essential nutrients for a child's growth.
Only by giving love and rules to children at the same time, the child's growth path will not be lost.
01
Children who are "ruled" have a sense of security and freedom
I've seen a story like this:
There was a herd of cows in the field, grazing leisurely all day long, as if the whole sky and the whole prairie belonged to them.
Until one day, a calf tried to go farther and came across a line that was so thin that it was almost invisible—that was the boundary line, and the line was charged, and the calf was electrocuted, startled, and stopped—and there was a place in the world that could not be done, something that could not be done.
When we make rules for our children, we actually set red lines for children in life that they can't touch.
You may not imagine that part of the child's sense of security comes from "this line", through the rules, the child gradually understands that all behaviors should be measured, so as not to break the rules and be hurt.
If the family doesn't have proper rules, it means there are no boundaries and the child doesn't know where the scale of safety is.
Many "bear children" suffer because they ignore the rules, and they encounter more problems and challenges in their collective lives than their parents imagined.
Whether it's an adult or a child, security comes from certainty.
As Dr. James Dubson wrote in Discipline, "If there is a railing on the edge of a cliff, then one dares to look down against the railing, because one is not afraid to fall; if there is no railing, one stops far from the cliff, let alone stands on the edge of the cliff and looks down."
The railing is the boundary, and the child who knows the boundaries will feel safe, on the contrary, the child without the boundaries will not be safe because he does not know where the scale of security is. ”
Rules can also bring greater freedom to children.
If you ask your child, "What is freedom?" ”
I believe that many children will reply: "Freedom is to do whatever I want!" ”
But almost all "freedom" in this world is freedom under the rules.
If freedom is everyone's right, then abiding by the rules is a responsibility, and if people have the freedom to drive, that necessarily includes the need to comply with traffic safety laws.
The same is true of the child's world.
In the case of only one slide, each child needs to queue up, do not cut in line, do not scramble, so that there will be a safe environment for every child to play on the slide.
If a child chooses to dominate the slide, they will not only lose their companions and friendship, but may also be blamed and driven away.
The rules here become the guarantor of freedom.
Educator Neil founded the Summerhill School in 1921, known as "the freest and most humane happy school", where every student can live according to his own wishes, and no one will force them to learn.
This relaxed way of education is difficult for Chinese parents to understand, but even in the freest schools in the world, there are still various school rules, and the standard set by the school rules is: "Do not affect others"
Neil explains:
"If a child keeps making trouble while taking Latin lessons, then he should be kicked out of class because he interferes with the freedom of others."
"If you choose a course, you have to abide by the agreement between you and the teacher to go to the class, if you don't go three times, it will affect the progress of others, and you can't go to the class again."
A child who does not know how to follow the rules, no one will give him the right to freedom.
As the philosopher Hegel said, "Order is the first condition of freedom." ”
Establishing rules for children is precisely to give children a higher level of freedom.
02
Make rules for children, what exactly should be established?
Parents often ask us, what kind of rules should we make for our children?
There is no standard answer to this question, every family is different, every child is different, and parents can only decide according to the age and actual situation of the child.
We are broadly divided into the following three categories:
The first category: bottom-line rules about life safety
This kind of rule is the first thing children need to accept and understand, the most common are traffic rules: do not run red lights, do not cross the road, when the car is driving, you can not show your head out of the window, and so on.
A few years ago, two boys in Anhui Province ran back and forth on the main road in the city where traffic was rushing, and crossed the road 13 times in 3 minutes.
Eventually, a sedan dodged and knocked down one of the boys.
There is no shortcut to avoid such accidents, only parents regard safety as a bottom line education and strictly implement it.
In addition to traffic safety, there are also anti-abduction safety, food safety, drowning prevention, fire prevention, electric shock prevention... Such rules really cannot be overemphasized with children.
The second category: rules that help children get along better with the world
A kindergarten teacher once told this story:
There is a child in the class who is "excluded" by her classmates, because she always gives children nicknames, calls them "stupid", "pig's head", and likes to rob other children's things, gradually, everyone does not like to play with her.
Children encounter such problems in social life, not entirely because of personality problems, but because they really do not understand the rules of social, do not understand what kind of behavior will hurt others, do not understand what kind of behavior is welcome.
Getting children better with the world is always the focus of education.
For example, the aforementioned "does not affect others":
Eat out without yelling;
Do not take other people's things without the permission of others;
Do not kick the front seat with your foot when riding the bus;
If you do something that causes trouble to others, you must apologize on the spot;
There are also some basic courtesies and etiquette:
Someone else has helped you, remember to say "thank you".
Don't judge other people's appearance;
Give up seats to the elderly on the bus;
Others treat you to eat, you can say "I am full", can not say "it is difficult to eat";
In the rules of these people's relationship with others, the guidance of parents is mainly to lead by example, and if they are taught to their children as soon as possible, they will be used for a lifetime.
The third category: rules that help children become better versions of themselves
The most common are living habits, such as washing hands before eating and after going to the toilet, going to bed early and getting up early without staying up late; standing up and sitting; watching TV no matter how good it is, you must abide by the agreed time; you have the habit of reading every day, and so on.
The second is the qualities that parents want their children to have, such as punctuality, helpfulness, and the fulfillment of promises.
Some families even have some family style and family training, and the opening chapter of "Zhuzi Family Training" mentions: Rise at dawn, sprinkle and sweep the court, and clean up inside and outside. If you are in a daze, close the door, and check it yourself.
These house rules can often moisturize things silently, affecting the child's attitude towards people and things.
03
How to help children make rules and grasp the three principles
There are three principles for setting rules for children: temperature, early, and consistency.
The rules in my eyes have never been cold rules.
Making rules, although it requires a certain degree of firmness, should be based on love.
The child has played with the mobile phone for more than the specified time, he plays and yells at you, you scold, threaten, and look at it coldly, which is equivalent to choosing parent-child confrontation.
In fact, at this time, we have more warm choices: you can do nothing and accompany the child; you can help the child say how he feels, accept and understand the child's emotions and needs; you can also honestly say your feelings: "I don't like you to do this"...
Rules are never established by persecution, but by understanding and a firm attitude to win the cooperation of children.
If the way we establish rules is too simple and crude, the child feels shame and control, and the sense of rules cannot be internalized.
In addition, the more harmonious the relationship between parents and children, the more willing the children are to respond to the rules.
Establish rules as soon as possible.
Before the age of 12, it is the most difficult time for children to carry, and it is also the best time for education.
Children in this period are like a blank piece of paper, we can easily teach them the most fundamental and important things, and most children have become sensible from ignorance in this period.
Many children who have passed the age of 12 have still not changed many behavioral problems, and even escalate with age. At this time, his parents wanted to correct him and wanted to re-establish rules for him, and the difficulty was greatly improved.
Make rules for your child, sooner rather than later.
Finally, the rules should pay attention to consistency.
Consistency is reflected in two aspects, in terms of implementation, the whole family tries to comply consistently. In life, some children are often heard asking their parents: "Why does my father stay up late every day to play mobile phone games? ”
In order to avoid this, it is recommended to make rules for children, and parents are best to follow them.
Second, the attitude of adults should be consistent.
One of the reasons why many children do not follow the rules is that parents simply impose rules on their children, but they are not firm when they are implemented, and they compromise with their children in exchange for a moment of harmony.
In some families, opinions among adults are often at odds. The mother repeatedly told the child that sugar can not be eaten more a day, will have tooth decay, the father or the elderly look at the child pitifully, always stuffed a lot of candy into the child behind the back, the child fell into chaos, invisibly established a wrong view of right and wrong, and even "exploited the parents' loopholes"
"Consistency" is the premise of making rules, and when we always make concessions, it is also a time when we need to be vigilant.
Canadian psychologist Jordan. Peterson said: "Small children are like blind people looking for a wall, they need to keep moving forward and trying before they can find out where the boundaries are. ”
Using rules to help children explore the boundaries of behavior is an important task for parents in early education.
At the end of the article, I click "watching", hoping that more families will raise children with rules.
END
This article | edited