Lily was fighting her 6-year-old daughter again, and in her words, she was sent by Heaven to punish her. The cause of the matter is very simple, the child wants to watch TV after doing homework, but does not say it directly, and uses roundabout tactics to go around in circles.
She said, "Mom, you see, I'm done with my homework." Lily is a mother, as soon as she looks at her girlfriend,she knows what she wants to do, and Lily doesn't say anything broken, so she says to her daughter, "Yeah, you're doing it pretty fast."
The daughter then said, "Mom, can I relax?" ”
Lily deliberately twisted her daughter and said, "Then you go play lego for a while." The daughter pursed her mouth, unhappy, and slammed the pen in her hand. Lily was angry when she saw it, and the decibel grew bigger, "Do you want to watch TV?" If you want to see you, you say, you don't say it, you don't want to see it. ”
The daughter pouted, and the hard bang threw out two words, "Don't look." She hadn't been happy all morning, and Lily was holding her breath. She told me, "I hate it when she talks in a roundabout way, wants to say nothing directly, and sulks without giving her." ”
Many children are like Lily's daughter, what they think in their hearts is not the same thing as what they say in their mouths, parents look anxious, it is inevitable that like Lily, the mood of the day is affected.
There are reasons behind the child's behavior, if the child has something not to say directly, but to turn the corner, parents should not rush to correct the child, find the reason behind the behavior, in order to find a way to solve the problem.
01
The child speaks roundabout way because he is defensive
The reason why the child does not tell the truth is because the child has a defensive mentality, and the child does not dare to tell the truth, so he will express the "double message", and what he thinks in his heart is different from what he says. There are two reasons why children express dual messages:
The first reason, "Chinese-style politeness", allows children to learn to "speak insincerely".
"Chinese-style hospitality" exists in many families. Bought new clothes for the old man, and while the old man happily tried it on, he accused you, "Buy me what this, net money, don't buy it in the future." ”
The child asked timidly, "Mom, can I go out and play?" Mom said on her lips, "Go, who won't let you go," but the expression on her face was extremely reluctant. If the child goes out to play according to the mother's mouth, the mother is not happy, and the child questions the judgment standard of the language, and will speculate on the true intentions of the family.
These insincere words will make the child's heart full of uncertainty, and the child will also learn to express it in this way, and the original thought of this can be said to be that.
The second reason is that the end of telling the truth is very tragic.
Although there are situations in the adult world where you can't "talk straight", that is also the result of weighing the pros and cons. In the child's world, you should still express yourself frankly, enjoy the happiness of innocence, in the process of growing up, and then slowly join the things of human sophistication, the child has experienced innocence, will enjoy simple happiness.
Having something to say may make your child's situation worse. When a child says, "Mommy I want to watch TV," the mother may issue a series of questions, "Just know that watching TV, homework is done?" You watch people who never watch TV, read books every day, why don't you learn from people? ”
The child expresses the real idea, and in exchange for the crackling of the batch, slowly the child will choose to make himself safer.
No matter which of the above two reasons, it will lead to the lack of children's sense of security, too much uncertainty, so that children have words in their hearts that dare not say, and a defensive psychology will be hidden and become a child who is twisted and turned.
Lily's children have something to say and have a relationship with Lily. Lily always hides half of her speech, wanting to make others have an epiphany, others can't understand her points, she can't help but complain and complain, these are all in the eyes of the child.
Even she and her daughter are angry with the same routine, she thinks that the child has something to say, she is the same. Knowing that the child wants to watch TV, she wants to screw the child, not so much that she is angry with the child, but that she is angry with herself.
02
Children have something to say, parents should do these 3 points
Children talk and hide, we should not be angry with the child to accuse the child, we should first see if they have done what parents should do.
First, parents are consistent in their words and deeds, and set a good example for their children.
Parents are the child's first teacher, and the child is the mirror of the parent, so the problems that appear in the child are more or less the shadow of the parent.
As parents, we must first be consistent with words and deeds, can not say a set of do a set, let the child look at the clouds in the fog. Just seeing the neighbor still smiling, closing the door and viciously slandering others, this is not the work of a gentleman. If there is indeed someone you hate, you can "make a gentleman's friendship as light as water", but there is no need to maliciously slander.
Family members should also learn to express their feelings, express gratitude and love for their families from words and actions, and make the family full of love. Children will also learn to express, accept being loved and loved others.
Second, face up to the needs of the child and guide the child to express his true feelings
When the child is twisting and turning, we don't have to screw the child like Lily. We must face up to the needs of children, meet the needs of children, and pay attention to guiding children to express their true feelings.
Take Lily's daughter, for example, when she euphemistically expresses her desire to watch TV, we can tell the child, "After doing your homework, I guess you want to relax on TV, so let's watch it for 10 minutes." "The child will be very happy, we can say one more sentence, "The next time you want to watch TV, you can tell your mother directly, in case the next time your mother guesses wrong, isn't it bad?" ”
No matter what way the child expresses it, we must face up to the child's needs and do not force the child to use the expression we like. We just need to let the child understand that in addition to the current way of expression, he can have other choices, as for what to choose, it is up to the child himself.
Third, give your child enough security.
The three words of security appear in almost any parenting book, and the importance of security to children is self-evident. A sense of security is the foundation of a child's life, and if he is convinced that he is loved and that his parents' home is indestructible, he will have infinite strength and courage.
How do you get a sense of security in your child?
When he is a baby, let him eat and wear warm, hug him when he cries, and coax him when he is bored;
Standing behind him to encourage him and hug him when he was toddler and fall, he appeared in front of him when he had a conflict with his children and beat him or was beaten, telling him that his parents were here, don't be afraid;
When he returns home with a failed exam paper, give him a hug, accept his loss, and analyze the exam paper with him to improve his grades. These behaviors will give the child a sense of security.
Giving your child enough security can solve many of your child's seemingly strange problems.
Many of the child's seemingly rebellious and troublesome behaviors are actually testing him, testing his parents' attitude towards him, testing how much his parents love him and how much they can tolerate him.
You can feel that the child's way of talking is not good, you can guide the child to change, but you can't reject the child's emotions and refuse to continue to communicate with the child.
Every child's performance is different, some performances meet the expectations of parents, and some performances give parents headaches. But no matter how the child behaves, we should all accept the child.
Accepting the child is not accepting everything about the child, the child's behavior is right and wrong, what we have to accept is not the child's behavior, but the child's emotions and the child himself.
When the child has enough security in his heart, the child does not need to use the "defensive psychology" to protect himself, because he knows that no matter what he says, he is loved.