There is practice, there is companionship, there is strength
Hailan Happy Home 2022 38th practice story
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1
I don't know if people are like me, as long as they speak in public, they will be nervous, even in front of friends.
The other day, I attended a friend party, and everyone had dinner together in the evening, because they hadn't seen each other for a long time, and there were some new friends, so they proposed to briefly introduce themselves and say what they wanted to say.
Hearing people say this, I felt my heart beat faster, and I felt that I had 4 points of nervousness, including worry.
Worried that his body was involuntarily stiff as he spoke, his voice trembled, his throat was tight, as if something had clamped him, and his chest was stuffy.
Some voices appeared in my head: What if I can't say it well? What a shame.
Will others see that I'm nervous? Will you laugh at me?
If I am nervous, will others think: Isn't it just a statement, as for me to be so nervous?
Nervous, worried, scared..... I felt their arrival.
2
For me, every time I speak, there will be no small disturbance to me, like a coming battle, making me immediately in a state of readiness, the inner part of myself active, I always have to spend some effort to appease them, or to fight them, which is quite draining internally.
Sometimes when you feel tired, you hide yourself, try to stay away from such occasions or try to avoid such occasions, which becomes a vicious circle -
The more you don't say it, the less you will say it, and the more you are afraid to say it.
Because it is impossible to cope directly without the accumulation of exercise and positive experiences.
Such negative hints again and again made me feel more and more powerless and inferior.
In fact, this situation does not occur every time, and there are many times when I can still express it very clearly.
However, I always focus on the bad ones that were a long time ago, and I keep chewing and fermenting, which makes my own evaluation of myself in this regard lower and lower.
Because I don't want to appear bad, I also feel that I can't fully control myself and I am not nervous, so as long as there are many people, I need to speak, I will have a little nervousness and fear.
Why, an ordinary speech, makes me so nervous? I wanted to find out why.
3
Following this nervous feeling, a picture of the past came to my mind:
It was 9 years ago, my son was only 5 years old, one day, the parents brought the child back to me from their hometown, the result was a fever in the middle of the night, in the morning the pharmacy opened, I bought anti-fever medicine for the child to take, I thought that there would be no problem, ready to go to work.
When I went to open the door, my father's panicked voice called me back, "Come on, there is something wrong with the child." ”
I ran over to see that the child was unconscious.
I hurried to pinch the child among the people, and the child did not slow down.
Later, I took the disinfected needle, and I couldn't put it down.
At this moment, the child's eyes turned upwards, the horns arched back, the teeth closed tightly, and the area around the mouth began to turn blue and purple, and began to spread.
I just felt that the moment was so long, I seemed to be completely frozen, thinking that I had lost my child.
But I did it anyway, and I asked the mother to dial 120, lift the thick quilt on the child, and move the child to the ground with the father and start doing cardiopulmonary resuscitation for the child.
Soon, 120 arrived, and when the doctor picked up the child, I later heard the father say that the child was getting better by then, and I was completely immersed in the fear of not having rescued the child.
At that moment, I blamed myself: I was a doctor, but I couldn't save my child! The needle in my hand just can't go down.
At that moment, I was very guilty: because I was busy at work, the children were handed over to the elderly to carry, and I also fully believed in the old man's method of taking, and when the fever occurred, the child said cold, so the grandfather closed the window and covered the child very tightly, so the body temperature rose sharply and convulsions occurred.
If I could learn a little more about parenting and not give up my share of responsibility as a mother, I wouldn't be in such a situation.
At that moment, the whole world seemed to be quiet, and time became very long.
Long after that, when I talked about this matter, I couldn't help but shed tears.
4
This feeling of despair, fear, helplessness, and powerlessness is so familiar.
I saw my younger self, probably when I was 7 or 8 years old, and I casually said at home, "I died of thirst, I died of exhaustion."
The speaker had no heart, listened to the heart, and when I was defenseless, Dad suddenly roared, "What is dead, dead." ”
I was so frightened by this unsuspecting roar that my whole body trembled and my heart was trembling.
When I was a child, my father would suddenly get angry because of some of my actions, because I didn't know what to do to avoid not being yelled at by my father.
So, in front of my father, I was always trembling, afraid of saying or doing something wrong.
Slowly, I was less willing to talk more, more obediently, cautious, and many needs and ideas were suppressed...
In the eyes of outsiders and teachers, I am a child with excellent academic performance, versatility, and well-behaved and sensible...
However, I rarely hear Dad's praise and affirmation, and more critical and critical.
Dad didn't say much, usually fine, but if he didn't know anything, he would suddenly erupt and hurt me, and I'd rather he tell me what to do and what the rules were.
Dad's angry point, it is difficult to make people think through, it may be the word "dead" in speech, it may be my stinky and beautiful behavior, or blowing my nose with too much paper, in short, I don't know how to do it so as not to step on Dad's thunder.
For a while, as long as I was alone at home with my father, I felt not relaxed, uncomfortable...
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5
In the face of this Little Lan who is always yelled at by her father because of some inexplicable small things, I feel sorry for her.
I gave her courage, calmness and calmness, and accompanied her to face her father.
Even so, she was afraid to face her father directly and express her true thoughts, and when I talked about my father, I burst into tears.
Eventually, I told my dad, "Do you know how much your uncertain temper hurts me?" I am afraid at all times, afraid of your accusations suddenly appearing, afraid of your sudden loud voice, afraid of your tantrums...
I haven't done anything that hurts nature and reason, so why can anyone else say and do something, but it can't be done here, how can I be wrong? ”
"Daddy you know what? What I want most is free breathing, free expression, choosing what I like, I can decide how my life is going, don't restrict me anymore, look at me, just believe me..."
When I said these words to Dad, I saw that Dad was very guilty, and he also shed tears, and he said sorry.
He also realized that some of the past practices were wrong, in fact, he loved me very much, and he was afraid of losing me.
Now, the more I learn about psychology, the more I feel like my dad was raising me with fear.
He was afraid of losing me, because my grandfather died at a very young age, so he was raising me with some knowledge of the past, afraid that I would go astray, afraid of losing me.
Dad wanted to train me to be a big girl, smile without leaking teeth, sit and sit, stand and stand, let me practice calligraphy at a very young age, have a lot of requirements for me, and discipline a lot.
There are a lot of words that have been engraved in my mind: you can't show your face, you can't shoot the head bird, and so on.
Until the year before, I talked to my dad about the head bird with a gun.
I told him that it had greatly limited my development.
Dad said that in fact, he hopes that I can go further, not to say that I will not compete for the first, he hopes that I will not run to the best at the beginning, but to continue to exert strength, go to the long term, and go to the end.
Some of my father's actions and words from the perspective of loving me still caused me great harm and left a wound in my young heart.
He corrected my mistakes, hit me hard, was afraid that I was too proud, and when he felt that I was doing something out of line, he would come out and educate and suppress me, creating who I am now.
Until I became an adult, he still had to spur me on from time to time.
So, I think in his mind I will never do enough, do not do well, at least not good enough.
I don't get praise, encouragement and support from him, especially when I'm vulnerable and have low energy.
6
I told him that what I needed when I was depressed and uncomfortable was understanding, support, not telling me: Do you think you're doing a good job yourself?
In that moment, I refuse to beat and spur, not that I am not bad, as long as I do not do anything harmful, as long as I do my best, I deserve to be respected and recognized.
Exploring here, I found a point: when I am vulnerable, I especially want to connect with others, ask for help and recognition, and want to get love, support, and understanding from others!
But in fact, a lot of times, what I get from my dad is a second injury.
I'm in the wrong direction— in times of pain, I just want to jump out quickly and rely on external love; in fact, the only person who can really accompany me and accept me during the 24 hours is myself.
Others have other people's ideas, but also other people's limitations, others say what I can't stop, but I can do it, don't let others point out these points, and then hurt me a second time.
What I have to do is to see, acknowledge and accept that I am so miserable and vulnerable when I am uncomfortable.
I can first give myself the care I need, give myself the understanding, support and love I need!
That little me, the one who was frightened when I faced the suffocation of my children, I connected with them and gave them love.
I watched them slowly recover, and I felt the power gradually in me.
It turned out that the nervousness and fear of facing my father when I was a child was the source of my nervousness in the face of public speech.
It doesn't matter, now that I've grown up.
It turned out that the nervousness, fear, helplessness and weakness that were about to lose my son were left in my body, and what was left in my body was stiffness, a blank head, and a tight throat...
It doesn't matter, I already know how to heal, how to heal past wounds from the beginning of the body!
7
My companions told me that when they spoke on big crowded occasions, they would be more or less nervous!
So, I'm not the only one who gets nervous about public speaking!
When others speak, I will also have some opinions of my own, which is inevitable.
Does my opinion at the time really represent my overall evaluation of this person?
No!
In daily life, how everyone gets along is more important!
So, does someone else's opinion really matter?
Not so important!
Although every time I speak, the vocabulary may not be so rich and colorful, but I am speaking from the heart.
And, as long as I speak, it's an exercise.
I can also type the draft in advance, so that when I speak, it will be clearer.
And, as long as the speech goes well, give yourself an encouragement.
For yourself, don't be a bad reviewer, but a praise artist!
Whether I'm good or not, I'll decide for myself!
As long as you try your best, give yourself 100 points!
I believe: the more I express it, the clearer it is, and the better it gets!
Author: Xiao Lan
Editor: Wang Li
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