Why do couples who often quarrel rarely choose to end their marriages? And the partner who seems to be very polite and polite chooses to end the intimate relationship in the middle of silence and seeks the relief of life.
Behind politeness is the defense of intimacy, the emotional isolation, the way to clearly define each other's boundaries, a reminder through action: I don't need you. And quarreling is an emotional dependence, a desire for the other party to connect with themselves, an expression of emotional need for a partner, and even an announcement that I have the right to lose my temper with you, thus determining the existence of mutual emotional connection.
We have two kinds of relationships: the first is the dimension of power in society, drawing clear lines, and contrasting forces. The second is the emotional connection in the family, which merges with each other and forms dependence.
So we see that behind politeness is the boundary, behind the boundary is the norm of social behavior, and behind the behavior is regulated is a rule of rights.
If you bring the dimension of power into family relations, it is very easy to lead to cold violence. It is I who will punish you by severing my relationship with you. However, the relationship is two-sided, and punishing the other party will also make you feel pain, so you will try to make yourself more independent and less concerned. Use cold violence to declare the other party, I can leave at any time, you can't control me. Transform the family into society, transform the partner into an opponent, but inwardly expect the other party to take the initiative to give in. Seeing that the other party does not react to their own cold violence, you will feel a sense of shame. Two hearts that wanted to be close to each other began to accumulate resentment and disappointment.
And a person with a wounded self-esteem is even less likely to take the initiative to alleviate this antagonism, push the relationship to the extreme, and finally completely disintegrate. We used to think that the weak tend to submit to the strong, which is a phenomenon in social relations. In a dependency relationship, a strong person is more comfortable in the relationship and is easily "surrendered".
Because the strong will not choose to build the family relationship on the strong and weak dimension, but accept the intimate latitude, no one in this relationship controls anyone, some just really see each other's feelings, and can endure each other's occasional non-cooperation, incompatibility, and hatred of themselves in the relationship, behind this hatred is attachment.
The strong are more able to perceive the demands of such weak people, fragile, aggrieved, and sensitive. A person with high self-esteem will instead put down himself, to feel the pain of the other party, to care about care, to communicate, at this time to take cold violence people do not seem to find the battlefield, because the two sides are in different latitudes. Your warmth can switch the weak from the dimension of self-esteem to the dimension of intimacy, and enjoy the intimate relationship between the other party and yourself.
To love someone is to be willing to give the other party the right to hate you, and you can see the worry, grievance, and anxiety behind the hate, she is not hating you, she takes her past to meet you, the frozen past has not dissolved, she is waiting for your acceptance and support.
Therefore, the soul has weight, love has responsibility, life has metaphors, the road has temperature, and all the worthiness of life is because of the healing of love.