Sending their children to a rattan school is the dream and goal of countless parents who apply for the party. From the early school choice, participating in various study abroad exhibitions, to accompanying the child to "war" the TOEFL SAT, brainstorming documents, afraid of taking a wrong step, but the protagonist of this article, a penn graduated mother, frankly said that she was very glad that her son failed to climb the vine, what is going on? Let's walk into her story together.
Author: Summer Summer
The original text of this article comes from: Gu Yu Planet
There is always a cow mother behind the cow baby.
Today, this mother graduated from the Fujian University of Penn wharton and raised three excellent sons:
The eldest son graduated from the Fujian University of Pennsylvania, majored in computer science, and joined the headquarters of Amazon;
Xueba's second son climbed the vine unexpectedly, but the mother who graduated from the top famous school is very wise and encourages the child to continue to explore, this year he graduated from New York University for three years with excellent results, and won the job offer of his choice in the United States;
The third son is different from the "science and engineering bully" brothers, in the case of mathematics has not yet opened the door, he found a road that no one at home has ever thought, this year is ready to apply for college, think about going to the college of arts and sciences.
Gentle and gentle, always smiling and squinting, this mother is decisive and brave in the face of countless intersections. Leaving a top financial company, starting the first children's clinic in Shanghai, giving up everything to pursue a career as a home coach...
On the way to becoming a mother, she said that she also made a lot of mistakes, importantly, wrong, so what?
01.
I also had a Harvard dream
But he was grateful for his son's failure to climb the vine
Every parent must have dreamed of Harvard and Qingbei.
When the third eldest was born, my husband said that I hoped that all three of my sons would go to Harvard. In his opinion, the father is from the California Institute of Technology, the mother is from Penn wharton, and the child should go to the Ivy League.
It is too normal for parents to expect their children to have a prestigious school, and everyone wants to give their children the best education. But slowly, as children grow, I begin to find that standardized expectations are "unrealistic."
My family has three sons, all born of the same mother, and my father has never changed, living in the same house, eating the same meals, and going to the same school, and the personalities are very different.
For example, before the exam, I will let the transparent first estimate the score and then compare the results, the boss is expected to be closer to the result, the prediction of the second is always far lower than the result, he said that the 60 points of the test are basically 90 points, and the third is just the opposite, saying that the 90 points of the test are almost 70 points.
It is not difficult to see that the second older personality is conservative, introverted, has high requirements for himself, typical science and engineering bully, when the grades are good in the upper and outer secondary schools, the high school went to the top boarding high school, and also graduated with the highest grades, according to the convention, the top ten of these two schools are basically Qingbei jiaofu, The Vine School is picked at will.
But the second brother exploded a big cold door that year, and climbing the vine failed.
At that time, everyone suggested that he apply for Bin university early, his mother was an alumnus, his brother was reading, and his own strength was placed there, not to mention steady progress, the probability was higher.
But he wanted to rush to Princeton and fight for the dream school, and after discussion, we also respected his ideas, and after being rejected, he went to New York University, which is a very good school, but it was indeed a blow to him who was full of spirits at that time.
Parents often have the obsession, only a certain primary school, middle school, university, it is possible to succeed, can not go to a famous school, the child's life is over.
In fact, when it comes to that day, you will find that the world has not collapsed, and life still continues as usual. We accompanied him, taking setbacks as the norm of life, what to do during the holidays.
And when the psychological quality of the boy mother must be strong, my suggestion is that the boy mother must give space, let go, do not be afraid to make mistakes.
I made some mistakes in choosing a school, I was quite aggrieved, and he followed where his brother went, but his personality was not as cheerful as his brother's, and later he learned that he had not made friends in a certain school for a semester. For introverted children, less tossing and turning, it is more important to have a sense of security.
Including going to Meigao is also, he is a science and engineering bully, to go to Meigao to receive humanistic education can be more whole-person development, he is also willing to go, but if you go again, I am also reflecting, if he stays in the upper foreign annex will be more suitable?
But there is no absolute right or wrong in life, so what if you go wrong?
How many pits parents have stepped on, children also have to step on to know how to go. If the parents cleared all the roadblocks, the children were all the way to the shade of trees, birds and flowers, a wide and beautiful road, no challenges, no possibility to enjoy the unknown adventure, of course, no curiosity and motivation.
After setbacks, the second oldest is now very mature.
During the pandemic, he was determined to return to the United States. One day, he almost never sent a circle of friends, to the effect that the reason he returned to New York was that he did not want to affect the interview because of geography: "I sent countless cover letters in the dormitory, very lonely but persevered, today I finally got the job offer I wanted the most, I did it on my own." 」 ”
It is very difficult to raise boys in the city, it is late to mature, there is no pressure, it is too well protected, and it is easy to lose the internal drive and fall into comfort under the smooth sailing.
After this time, I was the least worried about the second eldest, he had too much more important resistance to setbacks than the aura of the famous school.
02.
Counterattacked by the third elder of the school bully
"To make up for shortcomings is to be averaged"
Yuval Harari, author of A Brief History of the Future, has made this bold statement: "In 20 to 30 years, more than 50% of jobs are replaced by artificial intelligence. "In this way, children living in the future must have some characteristics."
My third brother is very different from my brother, in terms of scores, he is not a bully, and he can try to get into the middle of the school, and when he was in junior high school, he had not yet opened up mathematics.
Like most mothers, I was anxious at first, almost telling him how you are inferior to your brother, and then going to make up for the math and make up for the shortcomings.
We have also tried to make up lessons, but his initiative is not highly conscious, let alone learn well, just learning is not happy, the results are small things, and the enthusiasm for learning is miserable.
At that time, I happened to be studying the Tao Te Ching, and my mind was more open, so I told my husband that we would work together to find a different shining point for the third elder.
We found that he was good at socializing, empathetic, had many friends, had high emotional intelligence, especially his language skills and writing skills were very strong, so I suggested that he try drama, and since then he has been out of control. He especially liked it, and also became a key member of the drama club, and after going to high school, he had a stronger advantage in drama, and he was also famous for his theater expertise in school.
I was also quite surprised that my whole family was studying science and engineering, and he had a talent for art.
But this experience led me to discover the importance of strength education. I have always encouraged the third, you have to be what you are really good at, even if other weaker it does not matter, make up for the shortcomings is the same as others, the same only the fate of being averaged.
It should be reminded that parents should not overly participate in and plan the development of their children's interests.
A common mistake many parents make is that when the child is still in A, he thinks of Z.
As soon as the child said that I was interested in the violin, the mother was eager to bring the music conservatory professor to the class, and in a few days the child's interest turned to ballet, and the mother went to develop resources in this regard. After a few times, my mother would be annoyed: "I have paid so much for you, why don't you insist on it at all?" ”
There is a saying that as soon as the mother is in the heart, the child gives up. When too many expectations are poured out, this thing that was originally a child's interest becomes a mother's dream.
My three sons play the piano "halfway", saying that they don't want to play it, it doesn't matter, as long as there is a legitimate reason, then don't play, I can accept it. It's possible that if they meet their other half or encounter something in the future, they will regain this hobby, right?
I've also been wondering, what the hell did you do to raise such a good child?
The answer sounds a bit empty, but what I did was to believe them from the bottom of my heart, and slowly do nothing according to the situation of the child, and do a reasonable advance and retreat.
Of course, parents must grasp the degree of goodness, sort out which are principled issues, and must push a push.
I know that sports help them, and at the beginning they sent every week without moving, and now my three sons have been playing football for more than ten years.
One year I wanted to let the third senior go to Chinese culture class, and at that time it was difficult for him to do it in the fourth grade, and if I told him directly, I would definitely not go. I thought for a long time how to convince him.
Finally, I wrote a letter to him in the name of the principal, congratulating him on his admission and describing how interesting the next trip would be, how fun the classmates would be, and how much the teachers were looking forward to his arrival.
I believe that as long as the eyes of parents stay on their children, truly believe and pay attention to them, parents will definitely find ways to manage them.
The book recommended by my mother, "Vision" written by Dr. Tao Yong: The destroyed life can be rebuilt, because the brilliance of human nature is eternal
03.
Mom should learn to show weakness
My son is happier than going to a prestigious school
"Learning is the only thing you need to care about."
"You only need to read, child, and the mother will take care of everything else."
"I'm too busy reading, I'm too late doing housework, and I never let my children worry about these chores."
I often hear mothers say this, the intention is good, but it puts the cart before the horse.
Reading is to live a better life, when there is no life, how can you read a good book?
My proudest thing is that my sons are especially good at cooking, and this year's epidemic home I have eaten fat, especially blessed. And because of cooking, the sons also experienced the joy of life.
When they were young, I was still in the entrepreneurial stage, mr. was particularly busy, I would show weakness, tell them that my mother is tired and tired, can you please help? I remember once I was too busy to eat, and when I rushed home, I found that the third elder had made me three dishes and a soup, which was much happier than when he went to a famous school.
Let the children participate in family affairs, they will be responsible, our whole family will be divided when they go out to travel, such as dad is responsible for driving, mom is responsible for purchasing, sons are responsible for cooking, they must participate in the things of life, can not be isolated, can not be a tool for family life.
I've always joked that if anyone is applying to college writing to do housework, I'm sure to recommend it (laughs)
Like the third elder likes drama, I encourage him to find materials from life and express the things he experiences in life with drama. He wrote and directed a drama on the theme of school bullying, which was very profound. He also particularly likes to hike, encountered several dangers, and once vomited to death, but this kind of walking is particularly helpful for him to discover himself, find direction, and set goals.
When it comes to companionship, many parents say that it is not enough for me to accompany my children from morning to night. But some companionship is of low quality, even if it is communication, it is also with presuppositions and judgments, and over time the child is unwilling to share, and the bond of parent-child relationship is loosened.
I regret that 0-3 years old did not spend more time with the children, young parents at this stage, have time to spend as much time as possible with the children. When the child grows up, the efficient accompaniment looks at the quality rather than the quantity, and the words and deeds of "the chicken baby is not as good as the chicken itself" are too important.
04.
Every middle-class family
Psychology should have "poetry and far away"
Nowadays, the problem of psychological depression in adolescents is becoming more and more serious, especially the middle-class children in the city who do not worry about eating and wearing.
I've seen a data before, released by the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, that shows that 24.6% of adolescents are depressed, with severity reaching 7.4%. Adolescent children, in particular, are confused, miserable, and do not know why they want to live.
From the Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China released in 2020
Many parents say that my level is not so high and I don't need to think about such a lofty issue, but I feel that for most urban middle-class families, this problem is already imminent, which is the lowest value of a family and will affect many decisions.
Everyone should have heard a lot of stories about more and more children choosing to end their lives, in the face of life and death, what are the achievements?
My husband has a prediction that is not necessarily correct, he said that in the near future, 95% of people do not need to work, in such a big environment, in the social media vulgar culture spiritual emptiness of the present, if there is no tall thing to support the belief, after the material conditions reach a certain foundation, the spiritual level can not keep up, will gradually move towards nothingness and collapse.
For middle-aged mothers, how to live for themselves in the second half of life is not only for their children, but also for their own soul questions.
One day, a friend came to me anxiously and said with great distress, "What can my son do if he has no dreams?" The conditions are so good, why do you want to be a salted fish?
The child listened and asked: So, Mother, what about you? What is your dream?