Wen/Lan Mama on parenting
"Two men, most likely, will only look alike in their lifetime, and those who are lucky enough to become confidants and those who are unfortunate can only be A and B." - Li Zongsheng
This song comes from Li Zongsheng's inner feelings for his deceased father, some people say "This is not a song, more like a letter, it is a reconciliation letter that has never been sent to his father", and Li Zongsheng's "newly written old song" is very special, whether it is mv, or the lyrics are very special, this is what he specially wrote to his deceased father, you know that in Li Zongsheng's songs, he often writes about his mother, but rarely mentions his father, many people feel that Li Zongsheng and his father's feelings are not good, and the role of father does not bring too much warmth to Li Zongsheng...
In fact, whether it is a song or a letter, or why a "newly written old song" can stir people's hearts to tears, the touch lies in the use of concise and simple words to express the strongest inner emotions, especially the sentence "compared to the mother's worries, he is more like a deliberately restrained bystander", which once resonated with many people.
"Those years were just for myself"
"My pursuit, he is incompetent and powerless to participate, only remember that I am in a hurry"
"Maybe because of this, I didn't hear the faint praise."
If you appreciate from the concise words in the words, in fact, this song writes a lot of people and their father's actual state of getting along, compared with the father's estrangement, the mother's love has always been more active and enthusiastic, many children are more willing to share their own life fun with their mothers, this sharing and closeness undoubtedly makes the parent-child relationship more intimate and loving, and the father is usually not good at expression, when the child encounters some difficulties, he does not know how to participate, and it is this absence that makes the parent-child relationship more and more distant, As a result, the father gradually became less and less voiced in the family and education.
I remember a long time after this song, there are often friends who are worried: "Young people do not listen to Li Zongsheng, understand is not confused years", yes, in the minds of the vast majority of people, the mother is gentle, every time she recalls it is also a gentle and admonition, even if it is nagging and nagging, it is ultimately full of concern and love, after returning home, the table is always indispensable to hot meals, fresh fruits, and the room is warmed by clean and tidy bedding, neatly arranged clothes, and all needs.
But what about the father? Most of them are not good at words, or even smiling, as Li Zongsheng wrote in the song: "He is more like a deliberately restrained bystander", like the sad statement of "good fathers are from other people's families" in reality, in fact, it expresses the absence of the father in a family, but compared with the regret in Li Zongsheng's "Newly Written Old Songs", those of us who are experiencing or about to experience the role of the father are lucky, and the absence of the father, the lack of words, and even the lack of laughter are not all their fault.
Tell me a story:
Jingjing is a post-90s mother, she has always been relatively strong and independent in a single-parent family environment, a person pulling two children, privately also taking over manual part-time subsidies for the family, in the outsiders look Like Jingjing is happy, and lucky, the child is raised around personally, and can earn money to have economic independence, but who knows, what kind of pain is endured behind this seemingly peaceful?
Jingjing said:
"I spend a day like a few hours"
"I don't have time to go shopping"
"I don't have time to dress up"
"I don't have time to chase the drama"
"I don't have time to sleep a little longer"
"I didn't even have time to argue with my husband"
…
Many people think that the family with such a mother must be very happy, but behind Jingjing's busyness is the child's dependence, the husband's pastime, the child can do a lot of things on his own forever waiting for the mother, the father will always lie on the sofa after returning home, start his game mode, in a intolerable Jingjing collapsed and said "I want you to have any use, housework does not matter, the child does not care, learning you do not care...", and the husband just said after hearing it, "This is not you, I am afraid that I can't do it well, and I will add trouble to you."
After this incident, I suddenly understood: "It turns out that my mother's attitude determines the degree of my father's baby"!
Many times "good fathers are other people's families", it is not that they are seriously absent, irresponsible or not close enough to their children, but they are not good at words, or even smiling and lacking participation, although they are not as gentle and considerate as the mother's love, warm and thoughtful, but they eat and sleep, they endure humiliation and burden, they drink and socialize, they live and run, all in order to create better living conditions for their children and families, if you have such a father around you, but always in the child, Lack of enthusiasm for participation in family and education, please do not complain and do not quarrel, use the attitude of mother to awaken the degree of father's baby, you will find that in fact, "good father is also his own".
How to use the attitude of the mother to wake up the degree of the father's baby? It is recommended that mothers master the following wisdom skills:
1. Learn to let go
We often say: An introverted, married to an optimistic boy, the life can be tasteful, this is because the two people with introverted and optimistic and cheerful personalities can form a complementary relationship in life, and in the leisurely time, they can also make up for the boring and tedious taste of chai rice oil salt sauce vinegar tea, which also shows that any good relationship is based on the complementary relationship of complementing each other, and the relationship between husband and wife, family education, including parent-child relationship should also be so.
In terms of parent-child education, especially when one of the parents has less participation in the growth of the child, the other party should learn to let go appropriately, such as when the father is usually too busy at work and does not have too much time to accompany the child, the mother should give the time of parent-child companionship to the father as much as possible, and try to let the child and the father experience the fun and warmth of family affection in the parent-child companionship, of which the happy and unpleasant companionship will be integrated into the footprints of the child's growth, and form a warm sense of happiness.
2, learn to be spoiled
In the father with the baby, the helplessness and chagrin that the mother encountered when she let go of it was "the unreliable things that the father did", such as squeezing the baby into the clothes to show her head and watching TV together, throwing it aside and casually dumping the loser, hungry and not feeding milk powder, not changing the urine and not getting wet, always taking the baby and not watching games and watching TV...
This scene, but all the mother's estimation is unbearable, after the previous scolding, it began to clean up the mess, but what is the significance of this operation of finishing the scolding, anger and finishing the work? Especially after a day of work home is more tired and anxious, if the mother continues to complain and accuse, it is easier to provoke resistance and boredom, so the second attitude of the mother to wake up the degree of the father with the baby is to be spoiled.
Learning to coddle your husband is actually not the child's family, or the motherhood of the house, but the equality and respect from the perspective of emotional rationality, such as "Husband, you are back, the son thinks you are about to cry, hug him quickly", than "I went to cook, you gave me a good son" Is it more comfortable?
It is said that "children who will be spoiled have sugar to eat", in fact, the relationship between husband and wife is the same, when the mother gives the father emotional warmth, and the need, the father's participation, including the process of taking the baby, is naturally more eager and attentive, because in the eyes of the father, "my son needs me, my daughter-in-law also believes in me", this radical demand-type emotion not only helps the husband and wife to improve their feelings, but also greatly benefits the family and education.
3. Learn to share
Many times, the father can not bring the child, or try to save the heart, not that they are unreliable but lack of experience with the baby, recalling that when the mother is not once busy, never will not come to the meeting? To be a wise mother, we not only have to learn to spoil the husband, but also try to believe him, many times when the father with the baby can not see the endgame, although in the end although the scene does seem to be pleasing to the eye, but the mother's intervention is contrary to the original intention of letting the father participate, the sudden atmosphere destruction will also affect the father's confidence and emotions with the baby.
Therefore, mothers should also give enough trust when letting dad take the baby, even if the father with the baby appears to be unreliable things that can't be seen, we should also pay attention to the way when giving on-site guidance, like dad "worry about abusing the baby" also does not affect the game, watching TV, the mother can naughtily share the things that she once took the baby, such as "I was also lazy to watch TV before, but the child either lost the mobile phone, or hit me with a toy, hey, I am purely in "nothing to find something for myself", hahaha" 。
In this way, from sharing things with children, to parenting experience, to educational skills, you will find that there are more and more topics to talk about between yourself and your husband, and this kind of emotional interaction that guides fathers to participate in the baby, experience, including the sharing process is a valuable trust, especially trust and respect is also the wisdom crystallization of mutual support between husband and wife and accompanying life.
4. Learn to plan
Just as the so-called "male and female matching, work is not tired", on the road to raising children has never been so simple as eating, drinking and having fun, from wow and crying at birth, health and companionship in growth, and then to cultivation and expectation in learning, each stage is an irreproducible repetition, as parents we not only have to give our children sufficient love and companionship, but also bring children a positive and optimistic sense of happiness on the road of education.
However, the road to education is always difficult and long, especially after the child goes to school, the chicken flying dog jump is always nerve-wracking and worrying, many bad, rebellious parent-child relationships are from the beginning of school, school is the first stage of the child's entry into society, and on this road the existence of parents is not only a guardian, but also a growing guide, in order to better play the direction and value of the guide, it is recommended that parents have the best division of labor and learn to do a good parenting plan.
For example, children prefer to chat with their fathers, we can arrange the plan of tutoring homework to their fathers, children prefer the food and clothing life arranged by their mothers, then the mother is responsible for making nutritious meals and life plans for the children every day, but in the division of labor and planning arrangements, parents also have to support each other, when they encounter difficulties with each other, they should encourage and understand more, in short, good family education is "husband and wife together, and their profits are broken."
Finally, may all the parents in the world master this wisdom, and children can hold happiness, health and thrive!
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I am Lan Ma, focusing on the analysis of the parenting field author, with personal examples, a variety of family education examples, to record the moment of parenting feelings, like friends, welcome to pay attention to @ Lan Mama talk about parenting together to learn and grow together!