The child said, "That brother is so annoying, always making trouble while we play!" Mom said, "How come, that brother looks cute, you just play with him." ”
The child said: "Today I just twisted my head in class and was criticized by the teacher for not paying attention, I am really angry!" Dad said: "The teacher did the right thing, it was because you didn't follow the discipline of the classroom." ”
The child said: "I often let Lingling play with toys, but her new toys do not play with me, she is really stingy." Mom said, "It's okay, you can think of other ways." ”
The child said, "My table mate actually complained to the teacher that I copied the answer, and I really wanted to beat him up." Dad said, "How can you do that?" It's not right to hit someone. ”
The child said: "Our teacher always leaves so much homework and likes to laugh at us, we don't like him." Mom said, "You can't say that about a teacher, it's disrespectful to a teacher." ”
The child said: "She always grabs my toys and I don't want to be friends with her anymore." Dad said, "You're good friends, you have to learn to share." ”
The child said: "I am now nervous just at the thought that I will be performing on stage next Friday. Mom said, "You have to be confident, don't be too nervous, I'm sure you can." ”
……
Many parents have heard of the above questions, and the corresponding answers are the same as many parents. However, none of these answers are desirable. Although many of the responses seem to make sense, most parents use negativity, rejection, suggestion, and accusation to negate their children's feelings. Behind these seemingly bland questions and answers, to a certain extent, determines the development of children's emotional ability.
Emotional problems are problems that everyone has to face in their lives, especially in the first few years after the birth of the child, whether parents can deal with the child's emotional problems is related to the child's emotional ability. In terms of improving children's emotional ability, the first step parents need to do is to empathize with their children's feelings.
The word empathy may have been heard by many people, so what exactly is empathy?
By definition, empathy refers to the ability to put oneself in the shoes of others and experience the situation of others, so as to feel and understand the emotions of others, also known as empathy. Many scholars have brilliantly elaborated on empathy.
The famous American philosopher Merov believes that empathy is "to care for a person, to be able to understand him and his world, as if I were him, I must be able to see his world and himself as if he were his eyes, and not to see him as an object from the outside to examine and observe, must be able to be with him in his world, and enter his world, from the inside to recognize his way of life, and his goals and directions."
Parents' empathy for their children refers to the fact that parents can think from the child's point of view, truly understand the child's feelings, and fully accept the child's emotions.
For example, a four-year-old child just bought a lollipop and after eating two bites, he fell to the ground and could not eat it. Many children react with sadness, and some cry.
In the eyes of adults, losing a piece of sugar is not a problem at all, and it is a big deal to buy a new piece. But, for the child, this sugar is her whole world, and it means a lot to him. If parents can't understand this, they can't really empathize with their children.
What does empathy need to be done for children? What do parents do to truly empathize with their children?
First of all, adults should understand the characteristics and abilities of children. Every child is different, the same thing, different children will have different reactions. Children's abilities will also be different, adults should understand the child's own characteristics, do not compare the child with others, which is the premise of empathy for the child.
Second, adults should respect their children's ideas. Children in the mood will have their own ideas and choices, and adults should learn to respect them. However, respect does not mean recognition, but only allows the child to understand that he has the right to express his own ideas, and his ideas will be respected and understood.
Third, when the child is in a mood, the adult should stop everything and concentrate on listening and accompanying the child. This action can make children feel that adults are really caring for them and giving them enough security. In such an atmosphere, the child's emotions will calm down faster.
In addition, when the child's emotional reaction is more intense, or even makes some extreme behavior, adults should not rush to judge, let alone blame the child. If it interferes with others, the adult can pull the child to a suitable occasion and let him vent.
Finally, adults must note that the key to empathizing with children is to respond to their feelings, not their actions. To give the example just now, the child is crying because he dropped the lollipop, and the adult's response is "you don't cry, I'll buy you another one", which is the response to the behavior. If it's "The lollipop you just bought fell off, you're sad, aren't you?" This is the response to emotions.
If you want to learn to empathize with your child, it is not enough to know these theories, parents need to learn, practice, and constantly think and summarize in practice. Raising children is a slow effort that takes time and patience.
Many parents say that their emotional ability is not high, how to guide their children? In fact, the process of improving children's emotional ability is also an opportunity for parents to improve themselves. As long as the kung fu arrives at home, adults and children can benefit.
This article is original by "Guo Lifang Psychological Studio", welcome to pay attention to, like, comment, the article is not reprinted