Reflections after 8 years of giving birth to a second child: Why is the personality contrast between the two children so great?

Hello everyone, I am the circle owner Hua Chuan (Chuan Ma), who has a son and a daughter. He studied in Europe and is a positive parent correctional instructor in the United States. Here to share with you the knowledge of second child pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, as well as the parent-child education experience of their own two treasures.

Every time it is close to the beginning of the school year, my second treasure Han little sister is excited to look forward to the life of the new semester, while the big Baochuan brother has always been worried, and even showed a fear of going to school.

I asked Brother Chuan what he was afraid of. Brother Chuan said that in addition to the pressure of studying, he always felt a little embarrassed to stay in school.

"Why is it embarrassing?" I don't understand.

Brother Chuan stood up and played out what he said about the embarrassing scene like a sketch:

When the exam was broken, he received the paper from the podium, took a heavy step back to the table, first scratched his head with his right hand, beat his chest with his left hand, and then threw himself on the desk in an extremely painful position, as if he had been seriously ill.

At this time, the classmates around him will be very curious, especially a few enthusiastic female classmates next to him, who will gather around him and twitter to care about him and comfort him - which makes him feel very embarrassed.

I made up the picture, well, it's a little embarrassing.

I can't help but sigh that this baby is too sensitive and fragile.

It's just a small exam, and I never think about his exam results, and he's still sad to this point.

I also remembered that during the winter vacation, the family played the poker card "Fighting Landlord", just playing, there was no reward or punishment for winning or losing, but if Brother Chuan lost the game, his face was particularly ugly, and once he was hit by a "bomb", and the tears almost flowed out.

Chuan's father also sighed with me: they are all teenagers, and this resistance is too poor.

Brother Chuan said, "I also know that this is not good, but I just can't help it." Sometimes I feel so bad that my heart is hurting. ”

Heck, that's a real problem.

I also can't help but reflect deeply on what exactly caused ChuanGe's personality.

After all, han xiaomei born in the same belly is a completely different style. Since her daughter was born and is now more than 8 years old, she has not seen her feel bad several times.

First of all, we have to admit that a large part of temperament is innately determined.

The two treasures were just born, and their temperament was not the same.

Brother Chuan is sensitive and loves to cry from the swaddling, and often adults don't know what's going on, and he's already crying earth-shatteringly.

And Han Xiaomei was born meek and well-behaved, almost did not cry much in the infant stage, and her default expression setting was a smile.

Whether it is the child's IQ or personality, it is often determined by the combination of congenital genetics and acquired environment.

According to the existing scientific research conclusions, under normal circumstances, the influence of congenital genetics is still greater, accounting for about 70%, and the impact of acquired education accounts for about 30%.

In fact, if parents can do 30% of the day after tomorrow, it is enough.

For example, a very sensitive child, if he can be fine-tuned to "seven points sensitive" through 30% of the educational influence of the day after tomorrow, his adaptability to the environment is already much better.

But apparently, my 30% fine-tuning of Chuan Ge didn't do it properly.

Reflecting on the growth process of Brother Chuan, during his 0-4 years old, I was a working mother, busy at work, impatient, and his education was very irregular.

After the age of 4, I resigned as a full-time mother, and I had a little more companionship with him, but soon, the arrival of Erbao stung his sensitive nerves even more.

I was in chuange near elementary school, and when I was about 6 years old, I figured out how to get along with him through continuous learning and reflection. Since then, I have given him enough care and acceptance.

However, the sensitivity and fragility in his bones still have not been improved.

I consulted some psychological sources, and the individual psychologist Adler said:

"A person's life experiences before the age of five have determined the way he or she interprets his or her encounters and responses as an adult."

Obviously, before Brother Chuan was five years old, my mother was extremely unqualified.

Especially during the stubborn period when Brother Chuan was two or three years old, my self-righteous and strict discipline caused great harm to his young mind.

Until now, Brother Chuan often recalls the grievances he suffered in his childhood (see the article a few years ago: 10-year-old son confessed his psychological shadow to me: How much "sorry" do we owe to our children? ）

Perhaps, in Brother Chuan's innate genes, there are about seven points of sensitivity, and my education of him before he was 5 years old had a negative effect, making his seven points sensitive to become very sensitive.

Although after he was 6 years old, I corrected the wrong way of education in the past, the best window for character development has passed. His current personality is at least nine points sensitive.

Until now, when he was a teenager, he had to seriously ask every day or two: "Mom, do you love me?" ”

The growth of Erbaohan's little sister is just another situation.

First of all, from the perspective of congenital temperament, the daughter herself is an optimistic and cheerful child; secondly, the arrival of the daughter is the expectation of all, and as soon as she is born, she has received everyone's attention and love.

More importantly, when I raised the daughter of the second treasure, whether in terms of time, energy, mentality, and cognition, I was much better and stronger than raising the first few years of the baby.

Through many lessons in raising Dabao, as well as in-depth study and study, I basically grasped the growth rules of children and knew how to "raise children gently and firmly".

Although the daughter is more well-behaved, like most children, there are still some typical problems at a certain age.

At the age of one or two, I like to throw things around;

During the two- or three-year-old stubborn period, you let her go east, she wants to go west;

When I first went to kindergarten, I cried almost every day;

When her unreasonable request is rejected by an adult, she will also throw a roll.....

The problems that my daughter had growing up with were not much less than those of her brother.

However, as a mother, my mentality has changed, there are more methods, and I am not impatient when encountering problems, and I can easily resolve them soon.

For example, when I refuse to buy her a junk snack, she will cry and say, "Mom doesn't love me." ”

I'll give her a hug first: "Mom will always love you." ”

Then scratch her little belly: "Mom just doesn't like the little worm in your stomach, it always lures you to eat garbage." ”

She burst into laughter and went home with me.

No indulgence, no scolding, just a hug, a game, easily solve the problem.

Therefore, at the stage when my daughter was 0 to 5 years old, I almost did "positive work" in her education.

If her innate temperament is seven points optimistic, through the 30% promotion of the day after tomorrow, her current personality can be said to be very sunny and optimistic.

Now that her daughter is also a primary school student, she has experienced many setbacks in her studies and life.

But she is rarely knocked down by setbacks, and her emotional resilience is good.

For example, when her daughter gets a broken paper, she does not beat her chest like her brother, but calmly reflects and remediates:

"Although the score is not high, I did not miss the question this time, and I still have progressed in this regard."

"I always make mistakes in doing calculations, but I believe that it is better to practice more, and Mom, you can assign me some calculation problems."

Sometimes I think that even if my daughter is not very good, she is so open-minded and optimistic by nature, and so good at self-repair. The main theme of her life must be joy and happiness.

Summarizing my experience of raising two treasures for many years, I have four experiences to share with readers in the circle, especially the mothers of the two treasures and three treasures in the circle.

First, every child has a different innate disposition. Innate genetics determine the tone of a child's personality. The purpose of acquired education is not to subvert the child's temperament, but to avoid the formation of extreme personality through positive adjustment.

For example, sensitivity is not wrong, and introverted children are not necessarily bad, but extreme sensitivity and extreme introversion will also hinder the development of children's lives. Parents' education is like a weight on the balance, making timely adjustments to avoid children's personalities going to extremes.

Second, the influence of parents on their children's education decreases as their children grow older. The younger the child, the more malleable it is.

Combined with my experience in raising two treasures, as well as the cases of thousands of families that I have tutored in the "Huachuan Family Classroom" over the years, I have preliminarily summarized a rule:

Children 0-5 years old, the golden age of establishing parent-child relationship and shaping children's good character;

5-10 years old, the silver age of education;

10-14 years old, the bronze age of education;

Over 14 years old, the black iron period of education.

Therefore, education should be carried out early. Early education, half the work; late education, half the work.

Third, in families with many children, the temperament of different children and the fit of their parents may be different (fate or non-fate). Parents should not lose their fairness in educating their children because of subjective preferences.

For example, excessive arrogance and indulgence to children with pleasing personalities, excessive blows to children with stubborn personalities.

In particular, that kind of "worse" type of education is the easiest for children to form an extreme personality.

Although there are differences in the temperament of each child, human nature is common, and education is also regular.

In addition to yelling, there are more scientific and effective parenting methods worth learning and trying.

I have also written about the educational methods I have practiced over the years, especially the happy and interesting experiences in the process of raising my daughter, into "Games, the Golden Key to Cracking Educational Problems".

The book introduces small games about emotional management, habit formation, learning enlightenment, and other aspects of children's growth, each game is equipped with illustrations, suitable for parents and children to read together.

The methods described in the book work best for children aged 1-7 years. There are also many dabao over the age of 7 who have learned to educate Xiaobao after reading, and some children have learned to educate themselves after reading independently