"Juvenile Depression", author: True Story Project Editor, Edition: True Story Books| Taiwan Straits Publishing House, February 2022
When it comes to the word "youth", people often think of "youth, sunshine and beauty", but often ignore the secrets and pain hidden behind them.
According to the "China National Mental Health Development Report (2019-2020)", the detection rate of depression in adolescents is 24.6%.
With the rapid development of the mainland economy, the pressure on the whole society has increased sharply and the whole has continued to move down from the family to the children. When I joined the Department of Clinical Psychology at Beijing Huilongguan Hospital in 2007, most of my patients were adults suffering from various neuroses and depression. In the more than a decade today, there are more and more depressed and emotionally unstable adolescents in outpatient and inpatient wards.
Adolescents are in the transition from children to adults, and changes in hormone levels, rapid development of self-awareness, and academic pressures are inherently prone to trigger huge fluctuations in mood. In addition, many parents are wrapped up in the competitive pressure of society, and their children's education is increasingly utilitarian, lacking warmth and tolerance. Because of the single evaluation criteria, utilitarian education will make children more self-critical, and this self-attack is precisely the core influencing factor of adolescent depression.
Children who are ignored or treated with verbal and physical violence are already traumatized early in life, and then begin to enter the adult competition and "inner volume" prematurely, which will only continue to aggravate their self-denial and sense of worthlessness, making them more sensitive and inferior. Once the tipping point of a child's mental stress is crushed, it will have a mental breakdown and appear abnormal, and depression is one of the most important manifestations.
The causes of adolescent depression mainly include four aspects: 1. genetic factors; 2. family factors; 3. social factors; 4. stress events. Among them, family factors are an important factor in the depression of adolescents, because children who lack family support are more susceptible to stress events in the same social environment.
……
The children in this book are the ones who are finally trying to get out of the darkness, so their voices should be heard.
Stop asking what's wrong with the child, but what happens to us. (The author of this introduction is Yu Honghua, excerpted from the preface to "Juvenile Depression", with abridgements.) ）
The author | Zhang Wenjing
Excerpt from | Zhang Jin
According to the "Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China (2019-2020)" of the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, the detection rate of depression among adolescents in mainland China is 24.6%, of which the detection rate of severe depression is 7.4%. A large number of patients in the mainland do not realize that they suffer from depression, let alone have not been diagnosed and treated, resulting in a situation where patients are not self-aware and doctors are difficult to identify. If patients with depression are not treated in a timely and effective manner, it will lead to aggravation of the disease, and other difficult to treat conditions will be derived, and in severe cases, they will self-harm or commit suicide.
01
Misunderstanding and ignorance of depression forced the students to take a break from school
The first time I heard about depression was in high school. It was December 2002, and the school was still adhering to the teaching concept of "college entrance examination results represent the status of life".
At that time, as a key class of the provincial key high school, we were heavy academically and stressed. For some reason, one of my classmates suffered from depression. When she first showed depressive symptoms, no one knew about mental illness, so no one paid attention to it at all. The teacher even told her to "do less", saying that good grades on the test are the most important, don't think about those meaningless things.
"It's about to take the exam, you actually have time to be depressed, don't spend your mind on studying, not a good child, don't listen to the teacher, there will be no future in the future, the teacher is for your own good." 」
After half a year, her depression became more and more serious, accompanied by intense anxiety and panic. Sometimes she would cry out uncontrollably for help, pounding the bed, and hysterically shouting out meaningless syllables. But most of the time she cried in the middle of the night. I understand her quite well then and now. At that time, she had no normal learning ability, and her grades plummeted. Her grades used to be very good, and she was the only "quasi-golden phoenix" in the village who was admitted to the provincial key. Every day, the teacher would criticize her for not spending her time on studying, forcing her to return to her previous grades as soon as possible. She couldn't do it, but she also felt that everything was her fault, so she felt more and more guilty.
It was a kind of torture, and when she got up every morning, she thought that if she didn't improve her grades, she would fail to live up to everyone's expectations, but if she couldn't learn, she couldn't improve her grades. She tried to force herself to stop being depressed, but it only made her more depressed. Every night was very difficult for her, after all, when she woke up, she had to face a situation that she could not solve.
No one could do anything for her at the time. The housekeeper teacher will also complain about her frequent symptom attacks, complaining that she is a demon in the middle of the night, making other students unable to rest, affecting everyone's learning status. The class teacher had to send her to the hospital overnight, and the hospital did not find any physical diseases in the hospital. The doctor suggested taking her to a psychologist, but at that time the hospital did not have a psychiatric department, so she was sent to a psychiatric hospital, and finally diagnosed her with depression, and the doctor prescribed some antidepressant drugs to her. Although she was not truly mentally ill, the school dropped her out of school.
With people's understanding of psychology at that time, they did not understand the difference between psychological problems and mental illness. The relevant school leaders heard that her illness was to be sent to a psychiatric hospital for treatment, and although she could control her symptoms by taking normal medication, the school immediately decided to let her withdraw from school and go home "out of safety concerns about the reputation of the school, related influences and other students", but finally reserved the opportunity for her to take the college entrance examination.
When she left, no one sent her, only the class teacher and the parents. I crept up to look at her on the balcony, and she spotted me too, just waving at me without speaking.
Later I asked the class teacher, can't we do something for her? The class teacher said that only a professional psychologist could really help her, but we didn't have it here, and it was expensive to go to a big city, and her family couldn't afford it. It was the first time I had seen the power of depression, which destroyed a rural girl's dream of changing her destiny through the gaokao.
I never saw her again.
Now that I think about it, I was able to understand her to some extent, probably because it was a subtle psychological induction between people with the same disease. But at that time, I didn't realize that my constant pain was also caused by depression.
02
While studying psychology, I sorted out the root cause of my depression
After graduating from high school, I proposed that I wanted to study psychology, but my family refused on the grounds that there was "no way out of money", so I went to an engineering major.
But there were some things, as if I was destined to do them.
In October 2005, my freshman year, the state called on all schools to set up psychological counseling rooms and equip relevant psychological service personnel. The school opened a psychological clinic at the request, and the teacher sent me, the student president, to study psychology, and at the same time served as the president of the school psychology association. The premise of learning psychology is to first clarify your own growth experience. It was in this process that for the first time I made it clear that the pain that had tormented me for so many years was also depression.
My first psychological crisis was in 1991, when I was 5 years old. My family is relatively strong, especially Grandpa, who is very authoritarian, likes to control everything, and does not know how to respect any family. There was always a lot of bickering in the family, and every few days there was a fierce family war.
One day his father was wiping the window glass when his aunt said something that struck him. I still don't know exactly what she said, but I remember my father was angry and broke the glass with a punch and wanted to jump from the third floor. Just as he was throwing himself down, his aunt rushed up and grabbed him, but there was still a piece of glass that stuck into his father's calf, cutting the hamstring and main blood vessels.
When the quarrel broke out, I stood next to it, still thinking about what to do to make them happy, memorizing a Tang poem or dancing. It all happened in the blink of an eye, and before I could react, a gush of hot blood spurted through my body. I saw my father's legs bleeding, and my aunt's body and the ground were covered in blood. I screamed in fright and hid under the bed. Fortunately, the hospital is nearby, the father got timely treatment, the person is fine, the legs are fine, but it takes half a year of bed rest.
However, the war did not stop because of this, the mother did not forgive the aunt for "forcing the father to jump off the building", and the grandparents helped the aunt speak... The family was filled with anger and constantly fell into chaos.
My father had no income during his recuperation, and my mother began to blame my father because of financial pressures. The father's mood of not being able to get out of bed was even more depressed, and he always shouted to die. My mother was clamoring for a divorce, and every time they had a fight, she would tell me that she was going to leave me with my father, and that she couldn't take me away.
Every adult was trapped in his own insincere, no one realized how much this incident had hit me and hurt me, and my sense of security was completely destroyed in that instant. I often even blame myself for not being able to make them happy, which is why they keep arguing. I began to often recall the image of my father jumping off the building, and frequent nightmares. In every dream, my father always told me that he was going to hang himself in the mountains, to freeze to death in the wild, to jump off a building somewhere; my mother always said that she didn't want me anymore, and that she was going to go far away and never come back.
My mother projected her dissatisfaction and resentment towards my father on me – she always told me that my father was wrong, and then asked me to support and save her, and if I couldn't do it, she would feel that I had betrayed her too, and there was a lot of resentment against me. I want to please them and make them all happy. But I was too young to do anything about it. My mother would complain that I was "useless."
I would always wake up in the middle of the night and cry. This is typical of PTSD, but no one has noticed it. They only blamed me for making the already depressed family atmosphere worse. They questioned me why I didn't understand something, and said that just my father's side was annoying enough. So every time I woke up, I learned to hold back my tears, force myself to go to sleep again, and sometimes wake up three or four times a night.
From my youth to my teenage years, I was facing all kinds of "family wars" every moment, worrying every day about whether I would cause a human life.
I became more and more sensitive, and once I noticed that the mood of anyone in the family was not right, I would tremble and take the initiative to please them.
All this made me more and more inferior. After going to school, he was always a promise, very wooden, so he was not welcomed by the class teacher, and he was also caught in a 6-year-long school bullying. When I was bullied to despair, I asked the teacher for help. But the teacher asked me, "Why don't people bully others?" Asking for help at home, my grandfather and parents asked me, "Why don't people bully others?" ”
I don't know why, it can only be my own fault. I think I'm probably really a nasty person. Until I went to college, I was convinced that I really had no use for anything, no value in being loved at all. I've never been really happy and felt like everything in my life was meaningless.
03
My depression exploded after the breakup came home
In sorting out my mental journey, I almost unguardedly understood: my original family was not warm, and everything I experienced was enough to destroy a person. And the persistent unhappiness and inexplicable depression that have plagued me for years are all because of depression.
All along, in order to make my parents satisfied, I tried to live as they wanted, and in order not to let others say that there was something wrong with me, I always tried to play the role of a normal person in front of people, everything was a disguise. However, in fact, my heart is extremely sensitive and inferior, and I often feel that life is hopeless and that I do not deserve anything good. I will even deliberately choose people who are not as good as my own in all aspects as boyfriends, firmly believing that only such people will look up to me.
In September 2009, I had a fight on the street with my boyfriend, a hotel waitress at the time, and he threw me away. Back at the rental house, I found that he had broken everything in the house and that the belongings related to him in the room had been emptied. I suddenly broke down, fell to my knees and cried, not even noticing that the glass ballast had pierced my knee. The next day, I cried and called my parents in the Northwest and asked them to take me home.
For the first week at home, I kept my normal routine. My parents thought I was just going home for a few days of rest and happily encouraged me to take the civil service exam. For the first time, I talked positively about my status with my family, saying that I had depression and needed some time off. The mother was not impressed: "You are a child, what is not happy?" "My family is a bit feudal, and I respect my grandfather, and his words are holy wills." He said that my depression was pure nonsense, and it was because my parents did not educate me well, so I would use this excuse to lie and not seek progress.
I could understand them, after all I was so bad that I couldn't attend the college graduation ceremony. My family has always wanted to see me wearing a bachelor's hat, and no one wants their children to graduate from college in this form and become my crap after graduation. But they didn't understand me, my family gave me all to blame, and I realized I needed to save myself.
In order to avoid too much communication with my family, I began to lie down day and night. My parents beat me up, scolded me, tore up my books, and threw things away. I rebelled against them, took a knife and slashed it dozens of times in the arm, went to the cemetery on the outskirts of the city to drink in the middle of the night, and desperately quarreled with them, and they had to stop caring about me.
Then I started hallucinating. Once, when I was brushing my hair, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a skeleton in a trance. I am well aware that people with depression commit suicide often at the thought of a single thought. In order not to allow myself to act more extremely, I often paralyzed myself by drinking heavily.
When I was in a slightly better state, I tried to save myself according to the psychological knowledge I had learned: buying foam floors, doing yoga and gymnastics when I had energy; reading positive energy books and writing a lot of positive energy stories; when I really felt that I couldn't live, I would look at photos of real corpses and strange murders, and tell myself that death was so ugly; I also used to make suicide plans and write suicide notes to avoid real execution.
Looking at it now, that year or so has been fascinating, black and white, several times on the verge of collapse, and it is also the rest of his life.
04
Dial the psychological counseling hotline to usher in a turning point out of depression
Isolated from the negative environment of my original family, coupled with self-regulation, my state improved slightly.
In the fall of 2010, I struggled to force myself to get out of the house and find a job as a teacher at a private school. To make it easier to drink water in the office, I bought a plastic water cup. Grandpa saw it and asked, "There are so many enamel cups in the house, why do you have to buy another one?" ”
I said, "Grandpa, you don't understand, and now you don't have a fashionable cup." ”
Grandpa was angry: "You are vain, loser!" Seeing that others have their own wants, after a few days they don't like it, and throw it away. ”
I was not convinced and retorted loudly. Grandpa was so angry that he threw away his crutches and picked up the water cup and spilled the hot water on me. After provoking my grandfather, my relationship with my family completely collapsed, and I could no longer stay at home. The next day, I quit my job and boarded a train to the provincial capital. After buying the ticket, I only had 37 yuan left on me.
After arriving in the provincial city, I had another acute depressive episode and called the psychological counseling hotline. On the other end of the phone was an elderly man, I was afraid that he was unreliable, asked him a few psychological common sense questions and a few very difficult counseling difficulties, and listened to his answers before he relaxed his mind.
This encounter with the teacher was a great turning point and redemption for me.
For half a year, he used his deep psychological skills to do a lot for me. He told me what I was, what my original family was, what kind of relationship I should have with my original family, and what the significance of reconciliation with my original family was. He made me understand that everyone sees the world differently, and that my desperate situation may be someone else's desperate situation. See the big picture and don't get stuck in your own suffering. He gave me many books to show me how wise people who have come out do it. I've seen a lot of people who have experienced even greater suffering than I have, and how they have shaped themselves through these sufferings. He said it was called "standing on the shoulders of giants, and learning to see the world and one's own troubles through the eyes of a psychologist and philosopher." He taught me some ways to calm myself down when I was thinking about it, with Gestalt psychology, meditation, planned movements, painting meditation, music therapy...
He asked me to try to treat depression as a friend and play with it. One day, the teacher said to me that my psychological skills and the adjustment of this period of time were enough for me to solve the problem of depression on my own, and I could try to say goodbye to this "old friend" who had been with me for many years.
That night, I sat quietly all night.
I revisited the experiences of growing up that were painful and important to me in my mind, trying to see and understand them from another perspective. I tried to understand my parents, my grandfather, and the people who hurt me. I searched for treasures of experience and growth in my miserable childhood that I didn't know. I say goodbye to everything in the past, and then accept that it is a part of me and guide myself to love them.
The past experience was like a dream, and I told myself that it was time to wake up. I can live my life my way and care for my past self. I am thankful for everything and forgive everything.
After I recovered, my teacher sent me an invitation. He felt that this upbringing was an important experience for me to become a counselor. He looked up to me, saying that I "seemed to be born to be a seedling of a counselor," and he invited me to his agency to try my hand at being an assistant counselor.
Maybe it's because I've been a doctor for a long time, I know more about depression than many counselors, or maybe the scarred past is indeed my unique strength, and I can understand the psychological state of the client. The eight hundred rounds of that battle with depression made me too clear about how to help people in need get back on track in life.
05
Become a counselor and usher in the first depressed patient
In the winter of 2011, I had my first independent consultation. The client was a 13-year-old girl suffering from depression that I was all too familiar with. The child was beautiful, with big eyes, long eyelashes, a tall nose and protein-like skin, and a straight black hair that fell to the waist.
After she came in, she sat there quietly reading a book. Looks like a beautiful, idyllic and happy child. But I knew it wasn't that simple, and she was holding a copy of Sophie's World. The book seems to be a novel, but it is actually a complete history of philosophy, and adults may not be able to read it, but she can read it with relish.
I opened the initial registration form: Suna (pseudonym), 13 years old, moderate depression, has a history of counseling, because of resistance to communicating with the counselor, refusal to cooperate with treatment, two consultations are ineffective. The 8-year-old mother committed suicide, and her relationship with her father deteriorated 5 months ago, and she developed self-harm behavior. There is not much information, and I have reason to suspect that the guardian who filled out the form is hiding some key information out of the motive of "the family is ugly and not publicized". So I decided to talk to her first and establish a friendly start.
I asked her if she wanted a cup of milk tea. She looked straight at me and said, "You just relieved yourself of your nervousness by drinking water, and in order to make yourself look more professional, you deliberately wore a suit." But you shouldn't usually wear high heels, and I see that your walking posture is very awkward. You should not usually love makeup, and you are stuck in powder. She pointed to the camera on the ceiling and continued, "I think you're a novice counselor, and your supervisor is now watching us through this camera, and if you make a mistake or can't figure it out, he'll come and help you." My dad found a lot of big experts, can't help me, you fledgling sister, what can you do for me? ”
It was an opening I never expected, but I knew that children would only become sophisticated and sensible when no one loved them. In the absence of family protection, people will instinctively raise their psychological age, so that they can survive the pressures that are not the age to bear when no one cares.
Suna's family, apparently lacking basic protection and attention for her. Such children often have advanced ability, but they are strong in the outside, sensitive in the heart, highly defensive, and will not easily trust anyone.
I also don't want to force her to cooperate with me quickly. I told her that if she didn't want to talk to me, she could go back today, read the book, and bring it back the next time she came.
She said you're quiet here, you're comfortable, I like to read here, you can talk to me about the book. I accepted her proposal because in psychological counseling, it is much more important to have the client accept the counselor as a person than how many schools of technique the counselor himself will have and how skilled he is.
The first time we met Suna, we read the same book together, discussing our respective philosophical insights and some insights into life. I think this is a good start. After that, Suna would come to me as promised, and we got along quite well and talked a lot. Although she was still reluctant to talk to me too much, it was clear that our relationship was gradually beginning to deepen.
Once, she came to the counseling room as promised, and I asked her if she wanted to continue reading as before. She said: "My father said that there has been no progress in these few times, you must have cheated money, and this time you don't want me to come." But now I want to cooperate with the treatment, you have to cure me. I feel much more comfortable here than at home, and he always writes 'how nice this would be if it weren't for my kids', and I was really annoyed. ”
I knew that the father-daughter mind had not been on the same channel for a long time. Not getting the support you deserve in your family is not a pleasant thing for anyone. I certainly wouldn't refuse her offer to "talk casually", and I had a hunch that there would be key developments in this consultation. The counselor is sometimes like a keen hound, finding clues between the lines of the client's narration. This is especially important for children with strong impedance and insecurity.
I told Suna, "I'm not going to force 'treat' you until you're ready for me to help you." Just talk about it according to your wishes, for example, what do you want? ”
Suna sighed seriously and said, "I want a cat, a pure black cat." ”
"Why?"
She said: "When my mum was just dead, I sat on the windowsill every night looking at the sky and thinking about her. One day I saw a black cat sitting on the windowsill in the same position as me looking at the sky, and the cat's side face was very beautiful. When I went to pick up the cat, the cat, which was not close to anyone, did not resist me, but rubbed it in my arms. I think cats are like me, there are a lot of feelings that no one can understand, and there are too many things to deal with alone, just as lonely. Everybody didn't understand me, but the cat could. ”
After listening to this passage, I knew that Suna was going to talk to me. She was originally a very literary girl, but in the previous communication, she deliberately avoided talking to me in such a tone, saying that it was "so as not to be pretentious."
After sighing again, Suna continued, "I can't take my classmate's cat home, so I discussed with my father to get a cat too." But he wasn't sure, and he said something hard to hear about me. But years on, I still can't forget the cat. Do you know? When mom left, I was the first to find out. I came back from my hobby class myself, saw my mother lying in the bedroom, thought she hadn't gotten up from her nap, went over to try to wake her, and then saw that she had cut her wrist, and the wound on her wrist was particularly deep. My mom was a doctor and she knew how to get the knife down accurately. I saw her lying in a pool of blood, so much blood, already coagulated, and I poked it with my hand like jelly. At that time, I didn't react to the fact that I didn't have a mother anymore, and the whole person was blinded. Then the family came and took mom. I don't know what happened next. They said it was too obscure for the children to go to the crematorium and cemetery to keep me from going, so I didn't know if My Mother was dressed up before she was burned to ashes or where she was buried. Later, my grades plummeted, my mother used to be particularly strict with my study requirements, and if I didn't take the test, I would beat and scold, and I always worked very hard to take the first place. Suddenly no one pushed me, and I lost motivation. I also thought that maybe my grades had deteriorated, and my mother was in a hurry and would beat me and scold me in her dreams. It's a pity that after so many years of being a poor student, my mother never gave me a dream, and she may really not want me. I gave up on myself, my dad just felt faceless and didn't really care about my pain. So, I really want a black cat, and I think it will know me better than my dad. ”
Suna said so many words in one breath, looking very tired, she took the cup to drink, and the sound of breathing became very heavy. When she calmed down, I said maybe I could give her a black cat.
She hesitated and said, "No, it will be thrown away by my dad." He was afraid that the cat would have bacteria and parasites that wouldn't be good for me. In fact, he is the worst of all for me... I'm a little tired and it's time to go back. To be honest, when it comes to such a thing, I don't think there is any counselor who can help me. ”
Suna asked me for a makeup mirror, and after making sure that her expression had returned to the indifference she had just entered, she bowed to me for a half, said goodbye to the teacher, and walked out.
After Suna left, I started writing a consultation report, and I was right in my judgment that it was a crucial meeting. She once told me that after the first few counselors knew about her troubles, there was nothing they could do to help her, so they reasoned and made her think about her father. It is not that she does not care about her father, but she is unable to protect herself, and she really does not have the ability to think about others anymore. She said they were somewhat standing and talking without waist pain.
After these few meetings, I also felt strongly that Suna felt that no one could help her on the one hand, and on the other hand, she was eager to have someone to help her. She has been slow to cooperate with the treatment, and has been communicating with me to keep a certain distance, which may be the reason. When my father wanted to replace me, she chose not to leave me and exposed her truest side. It means that she is beginning to believe that I can help her and is beginning to have hope for me, which is a precious hope.
After that, Suna and I continued to treat for another month. She also cooperated with me more and more, and her state began to improve, and she was gradually able to accept the departure of her mother and the oppression brought by her father with a peaceful attitude, and gradually had a new understanding and planning for her life. At this time, I found out how much Suna's symptoms were alleviated no matter how much we did in the counseling room, but because her father did not make changes and always played a counterproductive role, she would pull Suna, who was not happy, back into a depressed state again. Suna's depression is still good and bad, everything is normal when it is good, and when she has a seizure, she will self-harm in the early hours of the morning.
My consultation got stuck in stuttering.
06
The child suffers from depression, and the root cause of the disease lies in the parents
Psychological counseling for adolescents, parents will play a key role. In many cases, counselors don't even have to talk to their children and counsel their parents to solve problems. In the communication with Suna, her father did not want to cooperate with the treatment, but simply waited for the counselor to return him a suitable daughter. The consultants who were replaced before should all be stuck in this place. When they couldn't, the father would change counselors.
After much deliberation, I decided to interview Suna's father and talk about him head-on. In the previous interviews, he refused on the pretext of being busy. I told him he had to arrive this time, or I couldn't guarantee any results, and he reluctantly agreed.
When I saw this father, my first reaction was that I was not very comfortable.
He started from scratch by his own efforts and had a company that was still well-known in the local area. In his own words, he started from scratch and went through many hardships to become a "superior person". I saw in him a self-confidence that was clearly unrealistic and a desire to control that I had to control and could control everything.
"My own level is not good, counseling is useless, the child is still disobedient, what is the waste of time calling me?" That was the first thing he said to me.
I feel a little sad about Suna, if I wasn't a counselor, I wouldn't have any contact with such a person.
Being neutral at all times and understanding the meaning behind each of the client's actions is the basic work quality of the consultant, and we do not work according to personal preference. I could understand the father in front of me, who also needed help. It's just that if I want this meeting to play its due role, I have to play a game with him. It is better to consult with men, especially such strong fathers and bosses.
I said, "Since you think I don't have any skills and can only use some carving insect tricks, then you might as well talk to me, anyway, I can't tell you how, you have nothing to lose." If you feel that it is really useless after the conversation, this consultation can be free of charge. ”
He thought about it a little and agreed.
I asked him how he felt about losing his partner very early, missing out on his daughter's company for his career, and less support from the parent-child relationship. He stubbornly sat up straight, saying that the eldest husband was career-oriented, and what I said was nothing to him, and it was not so important.
I continued: "Men need women. No matter how strong people are, they also need to have an emotional supporter and catharsis, what do you think? ”
He said, "I don't have a shortage of women. Since her mother's death, I have wanted any kind of girlfriend. Just considering Suna's feelings, she didn't remarry. ”
I said, "It seems you know to consider Suna's feelings." ”
He said, "Of course I know!" ”
"So what have you done that makes Suna feel very bad?"
"I'm all for her good, what does she have to feel bad about!"
"I'm sure you're all for her good. But being good for her doesn't mean she feels good, so you can tell me a few things that are good for her but she feels bad. You didn't do anything wrong anyway, there's nothing you can't say, right? ”
He said: "It's nothing more than that I have been busy with my career all these years and have no time to spend with her, and I still want to make her life better?" Let her study hard, because the test results are not good for her, which is also for her to have a good future in the future. Nothing else, it's a short thing in parents. Children know what to say, are they not allowed to listen to adults - I don't know what the use of us talking about this is! ”
I said, "Have you ever paid attention to her heart in this process?" Happy, lonely, sad, miserable. ”
"How many consultants have I hired for her, and why don't I care?"
"It's not about asking people to pay attention, it's about yourself." Have you ever talked to her? Did you accompany her to do something she liked? Have you asked her how she felt? ”
"Not really, where do I have time to take care of this?"
I said, "No offense, but the role of parents is much greater than that of counselors." Children who have a good relationship with their parents and are loved in the right way do not need a counselor at all. Suna has no mother, and if you continue to give up the role and role of father, no matter how many good reasons you have for her, no matter how many counselors you find, the problems between you will not change. Even as Suna grows, the relationship between you will get worse and worse. I can't guarantee that she won't do something bad out of rebellion and revenge on you – the percentage of teens who commit crimes because of a bad family environment is high.
"I don't think I'm the first counselor to talk to you about this, and I don't know how the first counselors talked to you about this part, and you obviously didn't accept it. You can also this time when I'm talking nonsense, sticking to my own ideas and feeling like I'm not wrong. Suna is a good daughter, but if you still don't want to do something, she can be your retribution as well.
"I tell you very sincerely that if you want to continue to maintain the way you are with Suna now, our consultation can also be over. I have no way to resolve the issue between you, and I confirm that no consultant can do that. ”
He was somewhat surprised by my attitude. He pondered for a moment and said, "I'd like to hear, what do you want me to do?" ”
I said, "First of all, please listen to Suna's own opinion before making choices and decisions related to Suna. Put away the idea that 'I'm your daddy, so you have to listen to me.' Don't think, 'The child knows anything, I'll choose what's good for her.' For an 8-year-old child who witnessed the death of his mother, whose father has been absent, who has to face everything himself, but who does not even have the right to keep a cat, she may know more than you.
"Second, please schedule no less than two hours of parent-child time twice a week to get a feel for what Suna really needs. Adolescent girls need respect and companionship, not 'for your own good'.
"Third, have you ever met someone who feels that they don't have to respect you, don't need to understand your feelings, just give you material things? Do you hate people like that? You can simply be a father, not obsessed with whether the child is the same as you imagined, just love her as a father, and give Suna's inner real support. You were absent when Suna lost her mother and needed companionship the most. In the days to come, please try to be like a real father, even if you can't communicate, please listen to it, so that Suna feels that there is still someone to accompany her. There are many more, but please do these three things first. ”
When I finished saying these words, Suna's father was silent for a moment. He needs to think that in counseling, silence sometimes represents progress. Soon, he said he was willing to try it, but didn't find it useful.
I said, "You try, although the counselor should not call the client, but you have never been with the child, once you start, there will be a lot of difficulties." For example, you may not know what to do, you may encounter a lot of things that you can't understand, you may find it very boring, and when you feel that you can't get started or don't want to do it again, please be sure to call me. After all, you haven't been able to tell a happy story with children until now. The things your child feels happiest and saddest, you probably don't know. As a successful person, this is also a great regret. ”
After Suna's father left, I was relieved. It looks like it's going well, and the next step is to wait, and I'm confident I'll get a good news.
Sure enough, soon after, Suna's father called. He said that Suna had once again proposed to him to have a cat, but he was worried because Suna had an allergic skin disease, and he was afraid that the cat would cause Suna's old disease to recur, but it didn't seem appropriate to directly and strongly refuse, and he didn't know what to do.
I told him that Suna wanted a cat because she needed companionship, and maybe she could buy a small animal that she wasn't afraid to accompany and could accompany her. So he gave Suna a pair of parrots and fed them with Suna, and they began to communicate how to raise them well. After that, Suna's father often talked to me on the phone, asking how to get along with his daughter, such as how to tell her daughter the precautions for menstruation.
Suna and her father also met regularly as usual, and they gradually began to use me as a medium to convey words that they were unwilling or embarrassed to tell each other in person. For example, my father will say, in fact, I love you very much. Suna will say I don't think you're a good father, but I'm willing to adapt to you. Later, I encouraged them to write to each other if they felt that something was not spoken.
Since their father was still very busy, they decided to exchange diaries to read. I was amazed that such a man could write a diary for Suna, tell my daughter where he went every day, what he did, why he did it and some life experiences, and reply to the questions she mentioned in her diary and what to do when she encountered troubles.
Our consultation cycle has gradually extended from once a week to once a month, and although there are still differences and conflicts, they can basically solve them through communication on their own, and they can gradually break away from my support.
The last time Suna came to me was to tell me that she had decided to support her father in finding a partner. Although her father promised her mother that she would not remarry until she was 18 years old, so as not to make Suna's life difficult because of the arrival of another hostess, she felt that whether life was good or not had nothing to do with whether her father had remarried or not.
Before, my father felt that he needed someone to accompany him, but he was afraid of being told that he had no faith, and he did not dare to openly find a girlfriend, so he engaged in an underground romance. When she didn't go home for a long time, she and her father had a hard time. She felt that she had her life, that her father had her father's life, and that they all had the right to pursue what they wanted. Her father was willing and learned to respect her, and she could respect him. She also thanked me for being with me for more than a year, which allowed her and her father to change and grow. She believes that it is the right choice to support her father's remarriage.
My first case ended successfully.
Later, I provided psychological counseling to many people who needed it. In that ten-square-meter consulting room, I witnessed the transformation of too many people's lives. The beauty of helping others is that when I help others to metamorphose from temporary darkness, I myself will receive the same healing and growth. My heart is nourished and filled with the growth of each visitor, and my life becomes more and more alive.
Many years later, I came to the Chinese Academy of Sciences to study psychology and stayed in Beijing, where I became famous in the circle. At that time, Suna was studying at Beijing Normal University, and we went to have a cup of coffee together.
She said that her father was very happy after remarrying, and she would also live the life she wanted with her heart, and she was very grateful to me for letting her understand that the so-called suffering is just a very ugly gift, as long as you don't give up, life will account for you.
I think so, just as I am still quite grateful for those depressed days, it helped me push open the door of psychology and let me meet a different life.
The doctor said:
Due to the lack of cognition of depression, many depressed children can not be diagnosed and treated in time, coupled with the widespread sense of shame in society, parents often take their children's illness as shame and cannot support their children to actively seek medical treatment, resulting in too many children's illness being delayed, and then a large number of tragic events have been derived.
Like the author's classmates at the beginning of the article, most schools will choose to exclude such students from the school, such a one-size-fits-all approach is simple and straightforward, which will not affect other students and eliminate the hidden dangers, but it does not consider what kind of impact it will have on the hearts of the parties.
School is the second most important place for adolescents after the family, and the unfair treatment received here will make them feel seriously abandoned and deny their self-worth, which will cause secondary harm to patients.
When the school encounters this situation, it can strengthen the cognitive education of students on depression, teach students how to deal with their peers with depression; strengthen the training of teachers, pay more attention to the psychological state of students, timely discovery, timely intervention; for children who are not seriously ill, the school can do some personalized learning plans for her, on the basis of reducing students' mental pressure, to ensure that academics are not interrupted; communicate with parents more and build a healthy external environment for children; for students with serious diseases, There should also be a clear suspension period and comfort communication, preferably a recommended plan for children to study at home; as far as possible to reduce the secondary harm to the child, encourage him to cooperate with treatment, and return to school life as soon as possible.
Depression is largely affected by genetic factors, and stressful events in life can induce the expression of genetic genes, leading to an increased likelihood of depression. The biggest stressful events include the death of a loved one, being assaulted, divorcing or breaking up, and more. The author of this article witnessed his father jumping off a building, injured, parental quarrels, divorce, etc., all of which are particularly serious negative stress events.
Parents should pay more attention to their children's mental health and establish a harmonious family atmosphere for their children. Timely detection of children's problems, especially psychological problems. Be sure to use practical actions to help children solve problems, so that children can feel that they are valued and have self-confidence, and can also enhance their trust in parents.
Editor | Zhang Jin
Introduction Proofreading | Zhao Lin