"Dabao, your piano player is not the right shape, have you forgotten what the teacher said last time?"
"Dabao, why didn't you say hello to Grandpa the Janitor today?"
"Dabao, your kicks are too soft, and you see your brother next to you kicking his legs very hard."
……
After becoming a mother, are you like a 24-hour monitor, and your child's every move cannot escape your eyes?
I have a lot of such mothers around me, and they are always worried: what if the child's hand shape is not good and affects the piano? What should I do if my child's writing is too sloppy and affects my grades? Children are not polite to others, how to mix in society in the future?
Some people will attribute this phenomenon to the fast pace of modern society, which leads to stress on children. But in fact, the problem is not in society, but in people. People who are always worried about their own disadvantages and are always in trouble are suffering from "shortcoming allergies".
01
What is "Contraindication Allergy"?
The concept of "defect allergy" was proposed by Japanese education expert Fumiichi Yamazaki.
Born in 1926, Yamazaki participated in Japan's "moral reintegration movement", studied in London, founded the New Family Education Association, and helped many families solve educational problems.
Yamazaki Pointed out in "No Yelling, No Calling Mom" that many people will feel regrets such as if they had done it in the first place under the trend of self-blame.
They read and listen to lectures every day to record the quotations of great men, in order to dispel the evil thoughts in their hearts and nervousness, let themselves fall into the dilemma of confrontation with shortcomings and shortcomings. They always magnify their shortcomings and feel that they are worthless. This is the typical behavior of "defect allergy".
Mothers with "shortcoming allergies" will not only fall into pain because of their shortcomings, but they will not let go of children who continue their bloodline and are pinned high hopes on themselves. As if they were bothered by their own shortcomings, they were deeply troubled by their children's shortcomings.
Do you have a friend around you who often says "sad to die"?
Fangfang is like this, she works in a state-owned enterprise, and she has not been promoted for many years, and she thinks it is because she stutters when she is nervous.
She does have individual overlapping words and pauses when she is nervous, but it is far from affecting the expression. But she always thinks that this problem is a big problem, and it has become serious enough to affect her career.
Fangfang is particularly in line with Yamazaki's description of "shortcoming allergy", she is too sensitive to her shortcomings, resulting in ignoring many of her shining points.
02
"Defect allergies" endanger themselves and affect children even more
Mothers have "defect allergies", which harm themselves, but also children. Just like Fangfang, she magnifies and magnifies her shortcomings, reading all kinds of books every day to change herself, but the effect is not obvious, and she also transfers "shortcoming allergies" to children.
In Yamazaki's description, the mother with flaw allergies is like a flaw hunter. Carrying a polished steel gun, facing the child's every move, no matter how subtle the shortcomings can not escape her eyes.
The moment she discovers the child's shortcomings, she will pull the trigger for the first time, and the bullet will be fired with a "bang", and each shot will be shot in a hundred shots.
Imagine what kind of mentality a child who lives under the "defect shotgun" every day? The child's mind is full of thoughts about how to observe the color, how not to be discovered by the hunter, how to get rid of the dilemma of being targeted.
How can a child who worries about it every day focus on one thing? Mothers with "defect allergies" will raise a nervous child.
Fangfang's children are already "other people's children" in our eyes.
Just in the first grade can read independently, in the library a bubble is half a day, English speaking is very good, play abroad can be a small translator, piano has passed the third level, skating is also practiced.
It is because the midterm exam math did not score 100 points, FangFang thought that the child's logical thinking ability was poor, and applied for 2 math classes, taking the improvement of the child's logical thinking ability as the top priority.
When the child talks to us, he says, "I like to play the piano, I like to skate, but I don't have good logical thinking skills, I don't like math." ”
A 7-year-old child who said that his logical thinking ability was not good. Fangfang's "shortcoming allergies" also affected the child, focusing on her so-called weaknesses.
The child is very relaxed when it comes to piano skating, and when it comes to math class, she is nervous, and she is worried that this shortcoming will be "carried forward" by herself and become worse and worse.
Allergies to food and dust can lead to physical discomfort, and allergies to shortcomings can lead to problems in people's overall living conditions.
But fortunately, "defect allergy" is not a physiological disease, which can be improved by certain methods, and then adjust the pace of life.
03
Disadvantages allergy" nemesis: living with a "dual personality"
Don't be afraid to see the word "double personality", the dual personality here is not a psychological disorder, nor is it a two-faced faction, it is a way for Yamazaki Tomiichi to treat "defect allergies" in harmony with people and themselves.
Cultivating the "dual personality" begins with accepting yourself
Yamazaki believes that people should not deny their shortcomings, and letting go of it is the best choice. If you desperately try to change your personality, you may be attracted by shortcomings.
Man has a greedy, selfish side, which is the original nature of human beings, and at the same time there is a good side of understanding the situation of others, fairness, and full of reason.
Just like there are two small monsters in the human body, people with "defect allergies" always expect good monsters to completely defeat bad monsters, but in fact, neither of these two monsters can kill the other, they must exist together.
The "dual personality" is an adult personality that is loyal to oneself and loyal to life. Man can retain his true disposition, and at the same time he can reuse those "truth, goodness, and beauty" as the second heart of mankind.
Accept the shortcomings of your own body, accept the complete self, in order to better play the role of the second heart, so that the truth, goodness and beauty shine, rather than being used to fight monsters.
For Fangfang, if she can not focus on overcoming her "shortcomings" and accept her occasional small tensions, she will be able to relax a lot and have more time and energy to do more meaningful things.
Discover your child's shining point
When a mother begins to live with a "dual personality," her attitude towards her children also changes dramatically. If her mother can accept herself, she will not hide her true heart too much, and she will no longer let herself be confused and tired.
There is a line in "Huan Zhu Ge Ge" that the blind Ziwei said to Erkang,
"How can a broken me save a broken you", this sentence is also particularly suitable for mothers to children. Only when the mother is happy and treats the child with a complete heart, the child can be happy.
The mother has a "dual personality", she will not dwell on the child's shortcomings, can be divided into two to see the problem, and find the shining points on the child.
Treat the child with a positive attitude and encourage the child, and the child will become more and more sunny and more active.
Subtly affect children, so that children form a "dual personality"
When the mother faces the child with her true self, the child can learn from the mother how to build a second heart of learning and regularity, and slowly the child will have a "dual personality".
What is the role of a child with a "dual personality"?
Look at the news on the Internet, some children are criticized by teachers for not being able to jump off a building for a while because of their poor test scores.
A large part of the reason why children will behave so excessively is that children take these "setbacks" too seriously, and they magnify the parts of themselves that they have done badly and ignore their shining points.
Just like the manifestation of "defect allergy", feeling that you have achieved nothing, you will choose this extreme way to relieve yourself.
People who are plagued by "defect allergies" can only see the problems and troubles in front of them, but they can't see the sunshine behind the darkness.
Instead of torturing yourself and your children with your unwarranted shortcomings, it is better to accept your true self and accept the real child.
Everything has both positive and negative aspects, and people are no exception. Looking at the multifaceted nature of human beings with a "dual personality" can avoid getting caught up in the darkness of the eyes and plunging yourself and your children into pain.
We have to believe that the world is full of sunshine, and even if it is dark in front of us, the sunshine is on its way.
Like + watch, may our children all live in the sun!