Studying at home during the winter vacation, many children are caught up in a struggle with electronic devices, and children are often the losing side. At home, unattended, the computer is at hand, and whether the demagogic impulse can prevail depends on what depends on it? Studies have shown that the real reason may be that a child's self-control is consumed. I hope that today's sharing will inspire and help you.
What exactly is self-control? Why is it so strong in its presence, but sometimes there is no trace of it? Self-control is essentially the control of impulses, an ability that we use when our inner goals and impulses occur.
It allows us to transcend our own needs and impulses, further tap into the potential of our brains, and control our emotions, thoughts, and impulses to get the results we think of. A more high-end expression is the exercise of free will.
Self-control is not static
In modern times, we have come to realize that self-control is not just about your mind, but also about your body. In fact, it is a physiological ability, related to the nervous system.
Lack of self-control doesn't always mean weak willpower, and it can also mean that the nervous system is overburdened, which is why many of us eat junk food when you feel too stressed, and in more calm situations, we can resist temptation.
Although many people are born with more self-control than others, we all experience a lack of self-control. Fortunately, the reality is that self-control, like many abilities, can be strengthened.
People develop self-control when they are still in infancy. For most children, at the age of 7 to 9, self-control will work in a more stable way, and at the age of 9 to 12, the child's self-control will usher in a small leap in development.
Then in the adolescent period, the child's self-control will decline again, because the impulse and desire centers controlled by the limbic system have entered a period of rapid development, temporarily surpassing the development of the prefrontal cortex, which is why adolescents are very impulsive and want to take risks.
Fortunately, the development of the prefrontal cortex later caught up, and when the child is about 17 years old, the link development between the two reaches a certain peak, and each other can effectively "communicate", so sometimes when we are impulsive, the prefrontal cortex can stop us in time.
Understand these four points
You will be more considerate of yourself and your children
A large part of our role as CEOs in parents' and children's lives is to help children learn to be aware of their impulses, evaluate their own patterns of reaction with a second thought, and establish effective ways to manage individual impulses until they can internalize these processes and can proceed independently.
Every time a child overcomes the urge to "get away with it" and puts his energy into cultivating strengths (for example, to actively correlate useful content instead of choosing to sleep), it is a further exploration of personal potential. If in the school team, even if other children are harsh and mean, the child can still maintain patience and help others, then the child is using self-control to cultivate positive personality traits.
Every little progress a child makes in self-control accumulates, nurturing his or her potential strengths and laying the foundation for his or her achievements. As parents, first of all, we need to be clear about four factors that consume self-control.
1. Inhibit impulses
2. Make decisions
3. Suppress emotions
4. Face pressure
You will find that all these consumption factors will slowly accumulate in a day, when our brain, nervous system is overloaded, self-control will also have problems, just to realize this, can help us to a large extent, let us more considerate of ourselves and children.
Enhance your child's self-control
The key is to reduce the "consumption" of self-control
Fortunately, self-control, like our muscles, can be obtained through proper use. So, how do you keep your child's self-control? First of all, children must learn to take the initiative to reduce the "consumption" of self-control.
One way to reduce your child's self-control consumption is to help them organize their day, and there are a few tips that parents can use at home.
Remember first that they are children, that their brain regions responsible for self-control are still developing, that they are trying to get by every day at school, attending after-school classes, exercising, doing housework, and doing homework. They also have a lot of decisions to do, to withstand the pressure, to control the impulses, and at the end of the day, the children's self-control will decline.
"Active relaxation" activities allow them to relax, such as reading, doing crafts, walking, running or outdoor activities, listening to music or composing music, or hugging a pet at home.
Talk to your child about how he lived in school, how he can play to his strengths, and then help him do homework based on his understanding of his core strengths, growth-oriented strengths, acquired behaviors and disadvantages.
You can start with assignments in advantageous subjects that will help him face harder or more laborious subjects with positive emotions. Or he can do the harder homework first, so that doing the homework that excites him later is like a reward.
For more difficult subjects, you can try to complete the relevant homework according to the length of concentration that the child can accept, and you can intersperse it with homework from the dominant subject to avoid distraction.
In fact, in the face of a larger child, parents can communicate well with them and agree on which method to try. This is definitely a good way for children to realize their own feelings and learn to deal with the problems of inferior subjects.
Or you can have another option: sit down with your child and plan the week with upcoming tests, deadlines, ongoing projects, etc., which is to teach your child how to achieve his goals, so that he can develop the habit of using senior strengths, self-control, attention, and rationalize his day.
Remember, the concentration time is about 20 minutes at a time, and when you see that your child is irritable or increasingly inattentive, you can advise him to pause the task at hand for 10 minutes and do something that will awaken his advantage.
Like watching funny videos, doing shooting exercises, reading a book, listening to some music and dance music, playing with a family pet for a while, and doing a parent-child game – in principle, anything that allows the child to empty himself.
Especially before important events, or when the child is under too much pressure, parents can temporarily not arrange daily chores for their children, and if they really forget or lose things, don't be too harsh on them, especially when facing teenagers.
You can turn on your strength switch first and do some activities you enjoy with your child at the same time, so that your self-control will also be enhanced because you have had a good time. You can tell your child what advantages you see during this happy time together.
Make a habit and make a to-do list
Habits are a great way to save energy, and research shows that if you bring all the things you want to do out of your brain into a list, the self-control of all the things you need to remember is liberated and can be used elsewhere.
This explains why children should develop the habit of making to-do lists. At the same time, parents should show their children how they are methodical and set an example for their children.
Self-control is divided into two levels, one moment of self-control and one of long time. The latter refers to the detection of changes in an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors over a period of time, noting both the positive and the negative, and using self-control and attention with this awareness to achieve goals in life.
The stronger our sense of self, the more we know that our present attention belongs to that form, the better we can control our behavior, and self-awareness can be cultivated and reinforced through mindfulness.
As long as you take a few minutes of deep breathing or do some activities that make the brain into a relaxed and resting state, you can activate the repair function of the parasympathetic nervous system, slow down your heartbeat, reduce your blood pressure, remind the brain not to release stress hormones, and self-control quietly reappears.
Become your child's emotional coach
Researchers have found that suppressing emotions consumes energy, leaving us powerless to control ourselves, and when we suppress positive emotions, self-control also occurs.
We and our children need to know how to experience and express various feelings, and for parents, we need to point out which behaviors of the child make parents feel frustrated and disappointed:
"I'm disappointed that you sent a message to a friend for half an hour without writing a chemistry assignment."
Of course, in addition to expressing this, you can also use self-control to turn on the advantage switch and let the child know what advantages it can play to make the results better:
"I know chemistry isn't your favorite subject, but you're organized and able to stick to it. Why don't we make a plan to help you complete the task, wait until the break time you send a message to a friend, you say okay? ”
Becoming a parent who adheres to the dominant parenting does not mean pretending to be happy, ignoring their true feelings, or finding their children's misconduct without correcting it, but being able to use self-control to actively deal with emotions and children's misconduct.
Habit-changing exercises
Changing a habit in two weeks can also improve our level of self-control.
Researchers have found an effective way to improve self-control levels: remind yourself to sit well for two weeks. Every time you have the urge to sit loosely, you have to overcome it and sit up straight or straight.
Every time you succeed, your self-control muscles are exercised. I know that the habit itself may be trivial, but the point is that changing a habit can really strengthen self-control, even for this relatively direct change.
You can pick simple things like correcting your posture, or breaking the habit of saying "um" when you say long sentences, or other small habits that are difficult to eradicate to help each other make changes.
You and your child can make a variety of habit-changing attempts to challenge yourself and build your self-control muscles. A child can apply his enhanced self-control to countless important goals he wants to achieve.
There is no upper limit to self-control, and the ability to lock in targets, to supervise and control one's thoughts, emotions, and actions can change, and it is clear that this change may begin unconsciously. With proper care and management, self-control will have a positive impact on the completion of our tasks, and you and your child will benefit from it.
Text | Leigh Waters
Transferred from "Junior Business School"
Compiled from the book "Advantage Parenting"