I am avoidant, my ex is anxious, we have been in love and killing each other for almost 3 years, seriously, she is too troublesome, emotional at every turn, and likes to interfere with my freedom, I have thought about breaking up a hundred times!
But today I calmed down and recalled all the love and hate, and the words I wanted to say to her most were: Thank you for your bravery and firmness, which healed me for the rest of my life.
In fact, before she confessed, I had a good feeling for her, but I never said it, because I knew my own virtue too well, and I may have dispersed again in a few days, so I have been staying with her in the ambiguous stage.
Unexpectedly, she was particularly fierce, and took out an inevitable posture and said to me: "You don't pretend, I know you like me, let's be together." ”
I burst out laughing, and I said are you so direct? Forget it, we are not suitable, I am a scumbag, but I can't harm a good girl.
(I wasn't trying to scare her, that's how my friend said I didn't deserve love, and I later learned that it was because of the illusion of avoidance, and I'll talk about it later.) ）
Good fellow, she not only did not get discouraged, but also said to me with special certainty: "I like you a lot, I think it is very suitable between us, others think you are not good, that is their blindness!" ”
It was a magical feeling to hear this sentence, but I remember it to this day, as if a light had come to me, and I had been seen, what if she was destined by Heaven?
Now I think about it, but I really liked to stay with her at that time, she was a very cheerful, chatty, emotional intelligence and high girl, and my personality just complemented.
Later, we were naturally together, it was very sweet at first, and it didn't take long to start arguing, and I don't remember how it got together, probably for two reasons.
The first one is that she especially likes to arrange me.
Today asked me why I did not take the initiative to chat with her, tomorrow I was asked to go out shopping with her, but I would prefer to stay at home alone, play games and enjoy the weekend;
The second is that she is particularly sensitive.
Once she found that the co-pilot's seat was adjusted, from the beginning of the car with me yin and yang weird, said I did not start to dislike her, think she has a lot of shortcomings, I thought she was nothing to find, has not paid attention to her, and then she was aggrieved to say, it was because of this detail, suspected that I cheated, in fact, I was just a colleague by the way.
There are many things like this, and sometimes I don't know where she is angry, and it is difficult to understand her feelings, because I don't know the reason at all, and nothing big has happened, thinking that she will be able to get better on her own.
I have begun to retreat in my heart, I find that she is not the same as I imagined, she really needs me too much, this is not OK, I have been independent since I was a child, no matter what the relationship between the two people, at least the freedom and space still have to be given, this excessive demand makes me quite bored.
I offered to break up.
Later, after I learned about the avoidant type myself, I learned that this is the typical feature of most avoidant types, that is, coming and going quickly, either feeling too close to violate their own boundaries, or feeling that they are controlled and very disgusted, so they stopped in time.
But I want to tell you the truth, I didn't think I would bring her harm at the time, I felt that I couldn't get it, I simply didn't do it, let you and me have a way to live, but in her eyes it was another angle.
In her words: "You want to go? No way! ”
Avoiding and wanting to escape, anxiety is just to follow behind, send me a lot of small essays every day, as well as a variety of big truths, my feelings are:
After a few rounds of head-breaking, she changed her strategy again and began to tell me that she was not good, she now knows how to get along with me, let's try again...
Now say it may be everyone is going to spray avoidance again, but I didn't have a little feeling of wavering at the time, I think she is very selfish, she has never cared about my feelings, like a bottomless pit filled with dissatisfaction, today I want to accompany her, tomorrow I want to coax her, I want to clean up how it is so difficult!
She frantically vented her emotions to me every day, I really felt very helpless, or simply ignore her, she will give up in a few days.
Unexpectedly, she continued to pestering me, but this time she changed her strategy, and she asked me if I had never loved her, and she wanted someone to be sincerely good to her, how could it be so difficult.
I don't want to put up with it anymore, saying a lot of ugly words, which is also a major feature of the avoidance type, sometimes avoidance is not because it can't speak, but it will hurt people as soon as you open your mouth, and it is easy to express it extremely.
She also started attacking me, saying that I didn't deserve to be loved by her at all, that every time she had a fight, she bowed her head, every time she flattered me, and she had had enough!
Then there was no contact with me again, I was full of mixed feelings, I didn't think it was easy, but I looked down on myself, no relationship can be talked about well, and no one will really fall in love with me, forget it, I still made it up alone.
Is it a cigarette that is not easy to smoke? Is the rice not delicious? You have to go idle and have nothing to talk about falling in love!
However, I still betrayed the organization to tell you a secret, I often peeked at her circle of friends in the middle of the night, sometimes she would send pictures of drinking with her girlfriends, sometimes in the middle of the night NetEase Cloud, but soon deleted, the next morning it became a state of full of blood resurrection, sending some chicken soup for the soul.
So I'm really not as good as her, she's much braver than me, dare to love and dare to hate, what to say.
It's not like I'm like a shrunken-headed turtle, when I have the urge, I will pretend not to see, and I can fool around, but I only know it, I can't fool myself, I feel bad when I break up, I am also curious about how she is doing, but I can only digest it secretly.
The turning point was at a mutual friend party, we met again, and I admit that I was a little selfish, I was betting on whether she would come, what would happen to us when she came.
Friends know that we are both a little embarrassed, deliberately arranged us at the head of the table at the end of the table, the whole time we did not speak, nor did we have any eye contact, I thought there was no drama, did not expect that at the end, she came to say hello to me, like a friend: "I haven't seen you for a long time." ”
I chuckled in my heart and said with a strong sense of composure, "Yeah, how have you been doing lately?" ”
Unexpectedly, she looked at me sheepishly, hesitated for several seconds, and then said, "I thought I could forget you, but I just couldn't help but like you, and I didn't save you." ”
I subconsciously hugged her, and I had the feeling I felt when I first confessed, and the light came back.
I seem to see my past self, the child who was forced to be excellent, forced to be sensible, and not taken care of since childhood, how I hurt others in the same way.
At that moment, I felt from the bottom of my heart that I was wrong, she had always been so beautiful and straightforward.
We got back together and we lived together, and I thought that I would have to grind well in the future and stop tossing and turning.
But after a few days of excitement, I found the problem again, and after the last breakup, we both began to be a little cautious, even if there were some skirmishes, both of us held back and didn't say anything, and got along very awkwardly.
She is still the same as before, what little things like to tell me, I am a more rational person, will instinctively deal with those cluttered information, resulting in serious internal friction, but in order to avoid conflict, I still listen carefully, but every day feel very tired.
She is also a very poorly planned and casual person in life, which makes me feel more miserable, feel that my space has been disrupted, and my mood is always inexplicably irritable.
And the small emotions that come with her everywhere still exist, I should be with her on the surface, but in my heart there is actually a feeling of contempt, why can't she even do this little thing?
She should have been putting up with me, but I couldn't communicate, or she opened her mouth first, she said: "You don't always have to be afraid of quarrels, sometimes it's quite simple to say it, if you always hold back, I will feel that there is a big gap between you and me." ”
I have tried to change under her influence, and I will express my dissatisfaction, but I am really too empathetic, often say something that does not know the weight, she will occasionally get angry, but still choose to be tolerant.
But unfortunately, we still broke up, this time it was she mentioned, she was much calmer than the last time, like a farewell between good friends, she said: "You are a patient, I thought I was a doctor who can cure you, I did not expect to turn myself into a patient, and now I am going to heal myself." 」 ”
This time, she did not look back, I did not look for her, after all, when I was young, how could I feel that I was a patient, I felt that we might really be inappropriate, don't force it.
I've always been a little slow about feelings, and after more than a year of breaking up, I started to reflect and try to recall what she said to me and did from her point of view.
Only to find that her grievances and concessions were taken for granted by me, and I did not bear her emotions and careful thoughts, but she was like an angel, carrying all my dark side.
I began to feel the pain of lost love, but there was another feeling, I seemed to be much more real than before, I was able to face my emotions, rather than force myself to hide.
Later, I contacted her through a friend, but I didn't say compound, I seriously apologized, she was quite surprised, said that I would actually bow my head, I also dead duck mouth hard said: "Yu, I did not bow my head, we are a smile and a vendetta." ”
So today I think of her again, and I still feel warm in my heart, and she is still the person who smiled and bent her eyebrows, like a little sun.
Although she sometimes loves to be unreasonable and insecure, she has always illuminated me with her own strength, even if she did not come together in the end, she protected me in the most decent way and made me a better person.
Later, when I faced my feelings, my first reaction was no longer to dodge, but to be able to accept the differences of others, and even give strength to others, which was the truth she taught me by leaving.
I also want to say to all the avoidant types like me: "If you really love her, don't be a shrunken-headed turtle, she will get tired and go sooner or later." ”
I also want to say to all the anxious types: "Don't doubt yourself because others, your sincerity and bravery are the things they need to learn for a lifetime!" ”
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C