From the rules of the game to the norms of society, in the process of civilization development, in order to maintain efficiency and safety, human beings have set up various large and small constraints on "dealing", and understanding, respecting and appropriately improving these rules is an important embodiment of individual rule awareness.
New Zealand's Maori have always been an important group of anthropologists, and there is a well-known study of their respect for and use of rules.
Among the Māori community, there is a unique culture: if someone asks you directly for food, you can't refuse. The existence of such a rule is not difficult to understand: it guarantees the survival of the community as a whole, so that everyone is not forced to starve to death when the resources at his disposal are extremely scarce. This is a relatively primitive but very humane social security system.
But one man used this rule very deliberately: he went to the Maori fishermen specifically to ask for fish to eat, and he had to do a lot of it every time. When they came and went, the fishermen were naturally bored and very dissatisfied, but "rules are rules", everyone is not easy to say anything, and no one dares to violate the social norms established and followed by their ancestors, so every time this person wants fish, although everyone is very dissatisfied, they will still give him.
In the end, the insatiable man completely angered the Maori fishermen, who, although they did not refuse his request, made their own decision: to join forces to beat the man who wanted the fish to death.
Māori fishermen would rather beat people to death than simply refuse their requests for fish. This may seem strange to many people, but the sense of rules behind it is easy to understand. People are social animals, and whether they can understand the rules, respect the rules and even manage the rules in social interaction directly affects a person's life in society.
We describe a person as "unreliable," and this so-called "spectrum" largely refers to rules. There are two kinds of "not playing cards according to the routine", one belongs to "creative innovation", which is positive, and the other belongs to "not following the rules of the game", which is often more annoying.
Therefore, it may not be important to help children set certain specific rules, and it is normal for different families to have different attitudes towards the same rule, but helping children build a sense of rules through some rules can benefit him for life.
To make rules for adults, you can legislate and enforce the law, but to make rules for children, you must have another set of operation methods that are completely different from those given to adults.
So what do you need to establish rules for your child? How to establish rules that are most effective? How old are the children to set the rules? Here are three things you need to know.
First, when setting up rules, the child's real needs are the first, and your needs are not the first.
Children over 20 months old can establish a true sense of rules. Before this, although they could cultivate some behavioral patterns and simple preferences, they did not have any awareness of rules and habits.
Only after 20 months, when the child has self-awareness and basic empathy, can we work with him to formulate rules and communicate effectively with him about the rules. Children of this age, curiosity drives a considerable part of their active behavior, so there will be graffiti, tearing paper and tearing books, littering and other behaviors that are "unruly" in the eyes of parents.
The essence of these behaviors is actually that children are practicing how to interact with the world, they are looking for the upper limit of their abilities, and in general, whether you intervene or not, these "unruly" behaviors will slowly disappear and never return. Many times, the rules set by parents are not to achieve children, but more to facilitate themselves.
Setting up rules with the original intention of "saving some energy" is irresponsible to children. The establishment of each parenting rule should be based on the basic premise of respecting the needs of the child and conforming to the child's development law.
Second, the establishment of rules requires the participation of parents and children.
When we go to the mall, we often see such a scene: a child who holds a certain toy and does not give up to buy it, next to his reluctant parents.
Many times, an important reason why children have the problem of "parents say or not listen" is that the rule you said is actually not involved in the formulation of the rule. The rules you make are all your own wishful thinking, so in the child's place, of course, you can't escape the fate of "hot face sticking cold ass".
You don't buy toys for your child at the mall, so did you agree with him before how to buy the toys he wanted? Where there is oppression, there is resistance. What is the difference between rules made privately without mutual consultation and tyranny? If you're a child, you'll be disobedient.
The best rules are those that emphasize cooperation: I do what I should do, you do what you have to do, and we all get what we want. The cultural anthropologist Thomas Wesner said:
"In any cultural context, when a family establishes a stable daily routine and daily activity, the family's happiness is enhanced, and it is also conducive to the growth of the child."
The first of his four core requirements for establishing rules is to meet everyone's needs while minimizing conflict.
And a large number of parents set up rules for their children, there are always such shortcomings, either can not meet everyone's needs, or do not let the children know what form of needs will be met, or create more conflicts for the family. So you can take your child with you to participate in the formulation of rules.
Third, give an example, don't be reasonable.
When parents talk to their children, one of the basic skills they must learn is "dimensionality reduction expression". Your abstract thinking and sleek sophistication are not owned by the child, so many of the things that seem natural to us will only become question marks in the child's head.
Don't "drop the book bag" in front of the child, he can't understand. Simply and directly tell him "what is your behavior" and "what will happen if you do this", then ask him for his opinion and opinion, and the child will draw his own conclusions through the example you give: what to do, or what not to do. The child is not stupid, he just knows less.
After doing the above three points, I believe that you have obtained a good set of rules that can be agreed with your child. But after the rules are enforced, it is equally important for parents to give their children good feedback. Establishing rules is the preliminary work, and the recognition of the implementation of the rules is equally important later work.
Note: The above content is from "21 Tricks, Let Children Be Independent"
This book addresses the problem of children's psychological parenting, and proposes to seize the critical period of independent development of children aged 0-6. Many living habits and psychological qualities are laid at this stage, once this stage is missed, and then want to cultivate children's independence, it may take many times more effort, and the results are minimal. How to help children successfully develop independence and accumulate rich independent capital?
Establishing the foundation of 2 major parenting, around 3 life dimensions, to create 21 daily life tips, this book gives you a set of independent models of raising children, from behavioral habits to social skills, telling parents what to do, in order to achieve the ultimate purpose of parenting, that is, one day you can safely let go of your hand, let your child live the life they want in a world without you.