Planning / Two dogs
Written by / Er dog zi, Sui Zhen, Giggle
Professional support / Miranda, eyes
Editors / KY Creators
It's new year again soon. Seeing the recurrence of the epidemic, friends around me have planned their return schedules in advance. Only one friend calmed down and said he didn't plan to go home this year.
This state of friends is also a real problem existing in many small partners in the background of KY.
They work hard, live hard, and seem to live a lively life, only they themselves know: a certain corner of their hearts seems to be more and more empty and lonely.
Where does this loneliness come from? How do you tell if you're in a sick state of loneliness? Is there any way we can eliminate this loneliness without relying on social interactions?
On this new year's day, I want to talk to you about the loneliness of adults.
Some time ago, a friend of mine described to me this experience:
Ta and colleagues go to the bar for New Year's Eve. A room full of people laughed and laughed and counted down the New Year's Day, but he suddenly felt a wave of unexplained sadness.
However, when he and his colleagues exchanged this feeling, the other party said that he could not understand his troubles.
"Am I not normal like this?" Could it be a precursor to depression? The friend asked worriedly.
If you have ever had such a concern, you can put your mind at ease. Because, you are by no means alone.
Loneliness has nothing to do with whether you are alone or in a crowd (Boomsma et al., 2005; Khazan, 2017）。 It is a subjective feeling, a painful longing for the missing absent love object.
To take the simplest example: you are taken by your parents to visit relatives, but at this moment, the truest desire in your heart is to nestle in your room and play games. At this moment, sitting at the dinner table and surrounded by relatives, you can't help but feel a loneliness that no one understands.
In situations where there is a difference between reality and desire, loneliness occurs.
Does that mean that if we can stay alone as we wish, this loneliness will disappear?
The focus of eliminating loneliness is not only in "longing", but also in "connection".
The first is the connection with oneself. People who cannot connect with themselves will behave against their hearts in life and become less and less like themselves. In severe cases, they may even feel like a "living dead" and fall into loneliness and emptiness.
The second is the connection to the "other." It's not easy either. We may have many friends who have fun together, parents who provide rich material things, and partners who go on a date and travel together, but because none of them can understand themselves from a deep level, we feel more and more empty and lonely inside.
Simply finding connections is not enough. We also have to really feel at ease in this relationship.
Loneliness disappears only when people make enough connections and are satisfied and reassured about those connections (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008).
Although loneliness is inevitable, the degree to which people perceive loneliness varies from person to person. In the mildest cases, it may simply make us feel unpleasant; in severe cases, it can also be an unbearable torture.
(The feeling of loneliness may not be unfamiliar to us, but if loneliness often brings you negative emotional experiences, you can try this test to help you clarify and cope with this state.) ）
Long press to scan the code to understand your loneliness
Studies have shown that chronic loneliness is associated with many physical/mental illnesses, including depression, schizophrenia, cancer, high blood pressure, sleep disorders, and more (Fekete et al., 2018).
A lonely mental state increases a person's risk of death by 26 percent, while prolonged loneliness weakens a person's immune system, making lonely people more likely to die prematurely (Knowles et al., 2015; Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008）。
Next, we will start from the common situations where two kinds of loneliness occur, to talk about: how to resolve these two "loneliness"?
One of the typical manifestations of a lack of connection with the other is the feeling that "there are fewer friends."
We often say that "the older you get, the lonelier you get." In fact, due to changes in our adult circumstances, we may indeed lose the closeness we once had with some of our old friends (Adams et al., 1998).
However, well-developed social networks and a wealth of entertainment activities still provide us with a wide range of opportunities to make new friends. As long as we want to, it is not difficult for most people to expand the scope of friends and increase the number of friends.
What really gets less is not friends, but deep connections.
When we can get a feeling of "being seen" and "understood" in each other, we will feel a deep connection and love between each other. However, reality often disappoints.
We may have had the embarrassing experience of opening up to others, but the other person can only respond to the embarrassing experience that we "don't understand" and "don't understand":
"We are obviously so familiar, why don't you understand me?" You have failed my expectations! ”
This aspect has to do with the personality traits of the other person: some people are already good at feeling emotions and can deeply empathize with others in a very short period of time; others are temporarily incapable of doing so.
As for another reason, it may be a bit of a heart-wrenching:
Although when we call a person our friends, we tend to default to the relationship being mutual. But research proves that half of the population simply mistakenly believes they are friends with others.
In the eyes of the other person, you may be just a "friendly acquaintances."
Taking a step back, even if your relationship is close enough, a good friendship needs to be managed and maintained for a long time.
We may not need to be in touch with friends most of the day, but that doesn't mean that friends are a supposed presence that will always be in the same place and wait for us to "suddenly think of ta". After all, who would want to be a "tool man"?
When we ask these friends for emotional support, the other person may be unable (or unwilling) to respond, blocking the emotional connection between you and making you feel "unseen" loneliness.
This also explains why there are some people who seem to have "friends all over the world" but are still very lonely, and they can't always find someone to accompany them at critical moments.
If these problems are also your real problems, does it mean that my current friends are generally of poor quality, and I should choose a new batch of quality friends?
In fact, in a sense, close friends and perfect lovers are similar - encounterable but not sought.
We all dreamed of having a perfect lover: good looks, single-mindedness, thoughtfulness... In real life, however, this is often not realistic.
We can only choose those needs that are vital and indispensable to you, and give up others that are less important or can be compromised. The same goes for friendships.
Robert Weiss (1974) proposes four major social provisions: intimate attachment, social integration, reassurance of worth, and advice/guidance.
He argues that in order to meet these different social needs, our social network needs to be more diverse.
It may be difficult to find a soul friend who meets all of these social needs, but we can seek different social relationships among different friends.
When you inevitably encounter disappointment in your friendship, you don't have to be discouraged, and you don't have to deny your friend's entire personality because of it —you just haven't found the "right person" in this type of social need.
In friendship relationships, being a "sea king" is not shameful and useful.
The absence of the second type of connection is about ourselves.
Sometimes, it's not the people around us who make us feel lonely. Instead, we choose to "seal our hearts and lock our hearts" and take the initiative to make ourselves alone.
Although loneliness can be a personal choice, we still need to be wary of the message behind "active loneliness":
Loneliness is sometimes a form of self-aggression. When people feel they are not good enough and unworthy to be loved, they try to punish themselves by actively seeking loneliness.
At this time, he will enter a defensive social state: because he is afraid of being hated by others, he will no longer actively contact others; because he is afraid of being ridiculed by others, he does not dare to try new things, and becomes afraid to shrink and shrink, suffering from gains and losses. What we exhibit is a kind of "pseudo-independence."
Other lonely people, on the contrary, show great eagerness for companionship. However, they would rather have some substitutes (such as star chasing, CP, paper-loving people), or some illusory fusion, rather than trying the companionship and proximity of reality.
Highly developed information technology makes it easy for us to build a taste-and-stop relationship. Chat has words, love has routines, but we also gradually lose the ability to communicate deeply and sincerely with people (Turkle, 2011).
Such a state may make people feel safe. However, once the change occurs, we will suffer more intense repercussions and fall into a overwhelmed panic.
In addition, a number of sociocultural factors have been shown to be associated with higher loneliness.
Non-heterosexual students feel lonely more than heterosexual students, and people who have experienced "atypical events" (such as parents with severe psychosis) are also more likely to feel lonely (Rubin, 2017).
In addition, contextual factors at the micro level are critical. For example, after experiencing loss, people tend to feel more intense loneliness for a period of time than in the past.
This loss is not limited to the death or breakup of a loved one, but also to some festive events such as marriage, promotion, and going to school abroad. We experience a change of identity and loss of connection to our "past selves," such as going from "single" to "wife."
These events prevent us from forming a continuous, stable inner life, and it is precisely this lack that brings us loneliness.
Which of the above situations does your loneliness come from?
In the eyes of most people, "loneliness" is not a good word. It is often associated with negative descriptions such as "lonely", "desolate", and "left behind", and because of this, "loneliness" is often an unrecognized feeling – such loneliness usually refers to "loneliness".
Loneliness is a negative emotional state that can make people feel uneasy, miserable, and exhausted. It is a feeling that we want to avoid. However, some lonely people who are reluctant to admit loneliness will think that they are enjoying the situation away from their surroundings. They are looking at life through the eyes of a bystander, and they are so independent and different.
In fact, the feeling of "loving solitude" is often just a self-preservation mechanism that protects us from greater suffering. For example, the competition for power in social relationships, the risk of rejection in interpersonal communication, and the helplessness and passivity of not being able to ask for people and things.
So, is there no other way to alleviate the crisis of loneliness than to build a high-quality social life?
In fact, in English, in addition to "loneliness" means loneliness, "solitude" also expresses the meaning of loneliness. However, the color conveyed by the word "loneliness" in solitude and Chinese is different:
Solitude is a state of active choice that allows oneself to feel enjoyed. People in solide actively avoid contact with the outside world, and they feel peaceful and happy about it.
To dissolve loneliness without relying on social behavior, we can try to transform "Loneliness" into "Solitude."
An important way to live is to live with a mindset of mindfulness. In this state of mind, we are actively engaged in the present moment, paying attention to new things and being sensitive to the environment.
Shelly Carson and Ellen Langer (2006) improved a range of techniques to improve mindfulness that had been used in the clinic. We've selected 3 exercises that are particularly easy to do every day to help you gradually achieve true self-acceptance.
Exercise 1
Actively observe new changes
Actively pay attention to new people, things, and things in the environment, or new changes in people, things, and things that already exist; don't take these for granted. Just observe, and don't judge. It will be easier for us to discover aspects of the self that we don't yet know, or that we have been avoiding.
Exercise 2
Imagining the self as a "polished work"
It may be easy for you to habitually deny yourself. For example, "I'm not popular with others" and "I'm just not attractive." The next time you want to deny yourself, you can replace "solidified words" with "possibility words". For example, replace the sentence form "I am (is/am)" with "I may be" and "I could be". Just a small change in language will help us to be less self-denying and see more possibilities for change.
Exercise 3
Write a "mindfulness" diary
At the end of each day, write down the important events of the day. As you look back, practice focused, non-judgmental observations and document those observations and experiences.
This kind of diary writing helps you to experience the next life mindfully, and it can also make it easier for you to find the continuity and direction of life, so that you can be more accepting of yourself in the present.
Of course, we still encourage people to take the initiative and seek out the social connections you lack. As we deepen our connection, we re-understand each other's meaning.
Shi Tiesheng wrote in "Sick Gap Broken Pen":
"Love is difficult, and the heart is open and even dangerous. Someone else may be your hell... Of course, there are still lonely hearts trembling, and there is still an unquenched thirst for communication. ”
Loneliness itself is a complex emotion. And complexity is what people really look like. When it comes to knowing oneself and knowing human nature, the answers that are simple and certain are often not true.
Behind the pain there is the ecstasy of the heart, and after the loneliness there is also the glory of being alone. At the end of the day, we are paying the price for our choices, regaining our freedom at the cost and cost.
Hopefully you can live well alone, but also never lose the ability to love.
Good night!
Interaction today: "We are all lonely ships sailing on the dark ocean. Although we cannot touch these ships, their presence and the similarity of their situations provide us with great comfort. "Write down a moment of your loneliness, how do you usually deal with loneliness? Welcome to leave a message and share with you.
Do you also have moments of loneliness? When?
What type of loneliness do you belong to?
How do you deal with loneliness?
Scan the QR code into the group
References：
Boomsma, D. I., Willemsen, G., Dolan, C. V., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2005). Genetic and environmental contributions to loneliness in adults: The Netherlands twin register study. Behavior genetics, 35(6), 745-752.
Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need forsocial connection. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.
Fekete, E. M., Williams, S. L., & Skinta, M. D. (2018). Internalised HIV-stigma, loneliness, depressive symptoms and sleep quality in people living with HIV. Psychology & Health, 33(3), 398–415.
Knowles, M. L., Lucas, G. M., Baumeister, R. F., & Gardner, W. L. (2015). Choking Under Social Pressure SocialMonitoring Among the Lonely.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(6),805-821.
Adams, R. G., & Torr, R. 1998. Factors Underlying the Structure of Older Adult Friendship
Networks. Social Networks 20: 51-61. doi:10.1016/S0378-8733(97)00004-X
Weiss, R. S. (1974). Loneliness: The experience of emotional and social isolation. The MIT Press.
Turkle, S.(2011). Life on the Screen. Simon and Schuster.
Rubin, G. (2017). 7 types of loneliness. RubinGretchen.