Living with Loneliness
Seven steps to freeingyourself from being lonely
Coexistence with loneliness
Seven steps to free you from feelings of loneliness.
Posted Feb 09, 2017
Have you ever had the experience of feeling lonely, like no one around, no one to talk to, you seem to be in a state of sadness or anxiety, and you also worry that you will never be able to overcome it? Isn't that feeling that sometimes overwhelms you? If you've ever felt this loneliness, then you're far more than just lonely. Loneliness is one of the most common and unpleasant emotions among thousands of people. For some, it can be a fleeting emotion; for others, it's a recurring sense of despair and sadness. But for all of us, it's also part of human nature.
Loneliness can lead to alcoholism or overeating as a way to suppress those unpleasant feelings. It can lead to depression and rumination, such as when you think about "Why am I alone?" This problem can cause you to feel hopeless. But it's important to understand strategies for coping with loneliness, which can help us prevent depression, substance abuse, and even avoid choosing the wrong peers.
Let's take a look at seven ways to cope with loneliness:
1. Normalizeloneliness.
Normalized loneliness
A scholar who specializes in loneliness, John Cacioppo, points out that our loneliness is on the rise, from 11 to 20 percent in the 1970s to 1980s to 40 percent to 45 percent in 2010. So, you're not alone when it comes to feeling lonely.
The disruption of human-to-human connections in recent years may be related to the decline in family ties, the increase in divorce rates, the more frequent movement of people, the decrease in the number of people going to church and the decline in the number of people involved in organizations such as governess associations and trade unions.
As Robert Putnam, a harvard social historian, explains in his book Bowling Alone, people in the 1950s would join organizations like bowling leagues, but now people bowl alone. Loneliness is becoming more and more common and frequent, so we have to recognize that we need some strategy to deal with it.
2. Relate loneliness to your values of connection.
Connect your emphasis on connection with feelings of loneliness.
We can ask "What's the benefit of being lonely?", which sounds useless. But I would say that loneliness reminds us of the value of connection, intimacy, or simply sharing an experience with others. The evolutionary process has got us used to smaller communities, where we meet each other face-to-face every day and raise children together. Things have changed for most people, but loneliness may remind you of the fact that you still value connection with others, and that importance of connection is an important part of human nature. So when you feel lonely, don't give up the connection.
3. Have a plan.
Make a plan
The first part of making a plan is identifying your lonely "hard times." It could be evenings, weekends or holidays. You can make a plan for these times in advance.
On weekends, you can make plans to stay with friends or family; you can also go to museums, concerts, bike tours, walk tours, attend church events or Rabbinical gatherings, or connect with people on Meetup.com or other websites.
I like to turn myself into a traveler during a certain day or night. Or, if your hard time is in the evenings, make a plan for how many nights a week you can connect to someone, even if it's just by simply connecting on Skype.
You can also plan to watch some videos, listen to some music, take a yoga class, attend a health club, or develop a hobby. A friend of mine, who is very adaptable, started picking up a guitar and learning to swim at the age of 68, and he was passionate about these activities. So what's your plan?
4. You don’t needsomeone else to do something rewarding.
You don't need someone else and you can do something meaningful.
People often say, "I don't have anyone to do things with." You don't need anyone else to go to the movies, go for a walk, go to the gym, go to a concert, or develop a new hobby. Some people say, "I find it embarrassing for a person to do these things." You can try to figure out what makes you feel embarrassed by thoughts that might be, "Others will see me alone and think I'm pathetic." But how do you know what other people think? Even if they really think so, why do you care? Maybe doing things alone means you're independent, powerful, and free.
In fact, doing something on your own can be a great way to meet new people. Imagine you're in a museum or bookstore and start talking to the person next to you about a painting or a book. Or imagine that you are taking a cooking class or a yoga class and starting to talk to people. Get out there and empower yourself by realizing that you don't need someone else to do something. You will also have "yourself".
5. Identify your loneliness thoughts.
Identify your lonely thoughts
Write down some thoughts when you are lonely. These ideas may include what was said before, or the following:
I will always be alone.
I will always be alone.
If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy
If I were alone, I would feel lonely and unhappy.
I must be a loser, because I am alone.
I must be a loser because I'm alone
I can’t stand feeling lonely.
I couldn't stand being alone.
If you have these or other negative thoughts, then you're like countless others, feeling trapped in loneliness and unable to move forward. But you can also try some of the following rational and beneficial responses:
· You're just alone in those moments (minutes, hours), and you'll soon have interactions with other people – at work, going in line, chatting with friends, or attending an event. You're not on a desert island.
Being alone doesn't mean you have to feel sad and lonely. You can think of it as an opportunity for you to do what you love. You can enjoy quietly reading what you like, listening to your own music, making your favorite food, watching your favorite movies, or visiting the museum at your own pace.
Because you're alone, the idea that you're a "loser" makes no sense: everyone has moments of loneliness. Recent studies have shown that about 45% of people feel lonely. Being alone is a kind of situation – and the situation is changeable.
· It also makes no sense to think that you can't stand being alone. Maybe you really don't like being alone, but what matters is the way you relate it to yourself. If you associate loneliness with protest, anger, despair, or failure, it will be unpleasant. And the idea that you think loneliness or being alone does come and go, and it's something we all have to deal with. Accepting some of the things we'll all go through may be better than catastrophizing them.
6. Direct compassion and tenderness toward yourself.
Give yourself some compassion and tenderness
Don't think you have to get love, acceptance, and compassion from others, you can also direct these thoughts and feelings to yourself. This can include acts of caring for yourself, such as taking care of your health or buying yourself a small gift; directing the thought of love to yourself, supporting yourself to be yourself and being your best friend; and recalling the gentleness of you by recalling the people you felt loved in your childhood (your mother, grandmother, father, aunt). Take care of yourself and soothe yourself as a panacea for loneliness.
7. Build acommunity of connectedness.
Build a close-knit community
We all need to connect with others, even animals. A lot of people —friends, family, patients — have told me how much love and connection they have with their pets. So consider getting a cat or dog, or volunteering at a local animal shelter. A woman I know who volunteered for months at an animal shelter said she did a great job: "helping cats socialize."
Another way to connect with the outside world is to volunteer because we all need to be "needed" too. You can search your community for volunteer organizations that interest you, which can be organizations that work with children, the elderly, cancer patients, or the poor. When you show kindness to others, I don't think you're likely to feel lonely.
Make some plans to meet others (including using social media). Just because you've had very little contact with someone lately doesn't mean you can't initiate contact with the other person. Or you can join organizations with which you share interests—political, cultural, religious, or social.
Being alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely. Feeling lonely also doesn't mean you have to feel lonely indefinitely. All emotions will pass, depending on what you are thinking and what you are doing.
It’s up to you.
It's up to you.
Author: Dr. Robert Leahy, the world's most respected cognitive psychologist, is an internationally renowned avant-garde author and speaker in the field of cognitive psychotherapy. This article is reproduced from the public number: Zhang Pei Super Heart Studio, Duan Di non-translated Zhang Pei Chao School, has been authorized.