01
My son's six years in elementary school were the highlights of my life as a mother.
From the time he started school, I put all my energy into tutoring.
The son is also very competitive, from the first grade to the sixth grade, almost every exam to get the first place, a variety of awards are also countless.
Occasionally because of poor play, a subject is one or two points behind, I will also attach great importance to it, let him do more than a dozen similar question types to consolidate, if it is because of carelessness and loss of points, it must be reviewed clearly for me, and next time I am not allowed to repeat it.
Every day, in addition to completing the homework assigned by the teacher, I will also give him an extra meal, either to make one more test paper, or to memorize one more text, in short, be sure to learn more.
Under my high standards and strict requirements, my son was a well-known "primary school bully" in the primary school stage.
Colleagues and friends around me envied me and learned from me how to raise children whenever they had the opportunity.
Although I was humble in my mouth, "Hey, stupid birds fly first, we are stupid people under more stupid kung fu." "But my heart is still beautiful."
After all, what is better than a child's learning and can add more light to the face of an old mother?
Of course, I also gave a lot.
At work, in order to better accompany and tutor my children, I gave up the more promising position of the unit and took the initiative to apply for transfer to an unpopular department, and then the promotion and salary increase were not related to me.
In life, I basically don't have my own time, and I am around my son from morning to night.
I think that after a few years of hard work, I have laid a good foundation for learning, and I will be able to worry about it when I reach the middle and high school stages.
Unexpectedly, the sky did not go according to people's wishes, and reality gave me a harsh lesson and caught me off guard.
02
After entering the first year of junior high school, his son gradually began to become bored with school and his personality became rebellious.
He always complained that the school he was assigned did not like, that there were no friends in the class who had a temper, and that the progress of the teacher's class was fast and difficult to understand.
The attitude toward me has also changed from not daring to listen to me when I was a child, to the current "thorn head", no matter what I let him do, he has to say a few words, sometimes purely for the sake of lifting the bar.
After school, he often dragged on until he couldn't put it any longer off, and then he started to write his homework, and he was impatient when I said a few words.
I only put up with it when he was entering puberty, coupled with the fact that he did not adapt to the new environment, so he put up with it and did not want the conflict to intensify.
As a result, in the phased examination of the first semester of the first semester of junior high school, my son took a result that made me stunned: the results of each subject were not ideal, and the English test was only 46 points!
On the day of the parent-teacher conference, the teacher said to me in a serious tone:
Now the pressure of high school advancement is very high, entering junior high school must be grasped, do not because of not working hard now, regret it later!
At that moment, my heart suddenly lifted, thinking that my son would not be able to enter high school, I was afraid.
After the parent-teacher conference, I hurried home and asked my son what was going on.
The son was playing a mobile phone game, his eyelids were not even lifted, and he said indifferently: "I didn't take the exam well, I don't like to learn." ”
I was angry and angry, and yelled at my son:
"Can't you not learn without loving to learn?!"
"When I was in elementary school, I was a school bully! How did you get into junior high school and it's nothing? The test is like this, people laugh, your mother's face makes you lose it! ”
My son suddenly jumped up from his chair, pointed at my nose and shouted:
"From childhood to adulthood, no matter how well I took the test, even if I took the first place in the class, as long as I made a mistake in a question and lost a little point, you were like a fly, chasing me in my ear and saying that I had endured you for many years!" 」
"In your eyes, I should be a learning machine!" I couldn't get into high school and I went to move bricks! ”
The more my son spoke, the more excited he became, and the last one pushed me out of the room and slammed the door.
At that moment, I felt more desperate than ever.
For the sake of my son, I gave everything, all for his good, for him to grow up and have a good job and a good life, but he actually hated me so much in his heart.
03
After that day, as soon as my son came home, he shut himself in the house, and several times I wanted to talk to him, but he refused to communicate with me with disgust.
In the cold family atmosphere, my son was even more self-abandoned, even less concerned about learning, and his grades declined day by day, but I was powerless and anxious to the extreme.
After I started reading books and learning how to deal with adolescent children, I learned a little bit about what I was anxious about and what I should do.
Many times, adolescent children rebel and disobey, they are maintaining their psychological space and declaring their sovereignty.
Parents manage too much "in the name of love", although it is for the good of their children, but in fact, they are equivalent to using their own concepts to oppress the child's will and violate the child's psychological boundaries.
At this time, the child's attention is focused on the confrontation with the parents, and it is impossible to keep up with independent thinking and serious reflection.
Therefore, the more the parents manage, the more rebellious the children are.
When the child enters puberty, parents must learn to let go and know how to retreat, so as to leave enough space for the child.
As he gets older, the older the child gets, the more space he needs, and with space, he has the opportunity to take his mental effort back to himself, to focus on the thing itself, to think about what he should do, and then to make the right decision.
So what should I do? Quite simply, leave two spaces for your child:
(1) Give the child room to make mistakes;
(2) Give your child room to vent their emotions.
04
1. Let go as early as possible, let the child experience the challenges and difficulties in the process of growing up, and give the child the space to make mistakes
In life, many parents refuse to give their children the "opportunity to make mistakes", whether it is because of carelessness or make a less correct decision, parents will immediately ask their children to correct and ask their children to follow their own way.
Actually, making mistakes isn't that scary. Only when you experience mistakes will you understand what is right, and this will require the child to walk through it himself to be impressed.
When the child is still young and the cost of making mistakes is low, it is best to leave room for the child's mistakes and let him accumulate lessons and experience in trial and error.
Before, I was very reluctant to see my son making mistakes, as long as he was wrong, he was splitting his head and covering his face for a training, and my son's mental strength was used to be afraid and confrontational, where is there a peaceful mood to review and reflect?
As a result, as soon as my son heard me say it, he was disgusted, even if he said it was right, he couldn't listen to it.
2, parents learn to empathize, see the child's emotions, leave room for the child's emotions, let him digest themselves
When children are depressed, angry, and have negative emotions, we are always eager to preach, reassure, and even reprimand, only hoping that children will immediately calm down their emotions and actively participate in learning.
It seems that we are teaching children positive energy, but in fact, we do not accept the negative emotions of children, thinking of solving problems quickly.
When the child is young, it is better to say that when the child is older, the more difficult it is to use this way.
Many children enter puberty and become very bored:
"Stop nagging."
"You don't understand what you said!"
"Can you leave me alone?" Leave it alone! ”
Parents will label their children as "adolescent rebellion", but they do not know that emotions have accumulated for many years, have not been released, and cannot listen to the right reason.
Therefore, when the child is angry, we might as well leave room for the child to digest slowly, and the parents also use empathy to let the child understand: your emotions, we see.
Blindly preaching and exerting pressure will only force the child into a dead end, and there is no end to it, and can only fight with you to the end.
As I learned, I compared myself and reflected constantly.
"Children's sense of responsibility for learning comes from the motivation in children's hearts."
Over the years, I have always let the children brush up on the problems desperately, and every day I arrange him to be full, and there is no breathing space at all.
My son's excellent grades in elementary school were completely forced out by me.
He was like a helpless puppet, held by me and endured inside.
Waiting for junior high school, facing the fear of the new environment, the discomfort of learning intensity, suddenly disrupted his rhythm, he did not know what to do!
Therefore, in the confusion and panic, he began to ask me for help in the form of "complaining", but I was coldly blocked back.
Entering the adolescent son, the autonomous consciousness began to awaken, and the suppressed dissatisfaction and anger broke out in full swing, and began a merciless counterattack against me.
I have figured out the root cause of my son today, and I have also understood that cultivating my child's enthusiasm for learning is more important than forcing him to be a bully.
I no longer keep an eye on my son's results in each test, and no matter what the teacher's ranking in the group is, I try to remain peaceful and do not ask for accusations.
In the beginning, my son always closed the door at home, played with his mobile phone, and ignored me.
I was not in a hurry, I understood that the emotions accumulated over the years always had to find an outlet, called my son to eat as usual, followed him if I didn't eat, and happily gave my son pocket money.
For him, I am no longer a domineering mother who blindly demands grades, but more like a good friend, who really cares about his feelings more than learning itself.
Gradually, my son felt the change in me, and his attitude towards me was no longer so cold.
One night, I made him chicken thighs and ribs that he loved, and my son ate very contentedly, and I was very happy to see it.
After returning to the room, I suddenly received a WeChat message from my son on my mobile phone: "Mom, thank you for the love you have always given me." Actually, I know. ”
Seeing this warm message, I forced myself not to let the tears flow, and for a while I wanted to say a thousand words to my son, but only replied: "Mother knows." ”
Since then, the son has changed his attitude of self-abandonment, as if the love and motivation in his heart have been activated.
He told me that he wanted to get back to his elementary school state: "I just don't believe that I could learn well when I was a child, but not now!" ”
The son smoothed out the study plan himself and implemented it rigorously every day. I have to say that the foundation laid in elementary school is still there, and my son quickly caught up with it.
Two months later, in the final exam, although the son did not return to the top, he was the most improved student in the grade, and he also took the stage to express his experience of learning progress.
When I went to pick up my son, the teacher expressed surprise and appreciation: "I didn't expect this child to be so tenacious, according to this, if he continues to do so, there must be his position in the front few of the class, and I am optimistic about him!" ”
My son listened, looked at me embarrassed, and smiled. I was also very happy, and there was a kind of excitement that was about to burst into tears.
I understand that my son can catch up to this extent, and he has put in a lot of effort behind it, and all this can only be done by relying on his inner motivation.
I am reminded of a saying: "Any motivation that a child has cannot be obtained by external pressure." Motivation needs to be awakened, not transformed. Children without motivation lack not only the self-motivation to actively learn and overcome laziness, but also a strong heart to face challenges. ”
Now the Son has been awakened.
Looking back on those dark days, it was not only me who was in pain, but also my son. And if I don't change in time, I am likely to ruin my child's learning motivation and life.
I hope that parents with adolescent children at home will let go of meaningless anxiety, take action, learn, change, grow, and when you become strong, you will also correctly motivate your children to help their children grow and change!
Please pay attention to me and learn the dry goods content of educating adolescent children